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  #31  
Old 05-11-2010, 02:40 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 20- I'm Poly and he's Mono, but I want to salvage this

My life is pretty mellow right now, which is good!! I have plans to go out of town with Richard this weekend. We will be attending a concert with a Rock Band and Philharmonic orchestra performing Pink Floyd music (my favorite classic rock!!!) Looking forward to spending time with Richard. He needs some clothes (jeans and cool T Shirts) and doesnít have time to go shopping, so weíll probably do some of that before we leave town Saturday afternoon. Weíll return late Sunday afternoon.

I called John yesterday and asked if we could get together Sunday afternoon or evening to talk. It will have been two weeks since he said he wants a monogamous relationship. Iím going to tell him that I respect his boundaries and that I will not ask him to participate in any Polyamorous behavior such as getting involved in a Vee with me and Katherine (which I had mentioned to him the first night we re-connected) and that he is free to be monogamous if that is what he wants, but I would like to continue seeing him.

I was just going to let it go, but Iíve decided to keep trying to get through to him because we have known each other for 11 years. The good thing about an established relationship is that you donít have as much ďgetting to know one anotherĒ work to do. The relationship is easier. AndÖ.I fell in love with him again. I actually feel that I love him more than ever before. I want to tell him that too....
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  #32  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:21 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 21- Letter to John

I had a great weekend with Richard. We went out of town on Saturday, had dinner and went to a music concert Saturday evening. The rain was so bad on Sunday that we returned home earlier than planned. I dropped him off at his house and as soon as I got home, the sun came out. I called him and said I was a bit disappointed that we didnít have more time together, but he was enjoying his afternoon, so I felt better.

I realized that I was still upset about John. I have still not talked to him, but I sent him an e-mail.

This is what I wrote and I still havenít gotten a reply.

There are a few things I want to say to you....things I want you to know.....

First of all, I don't know why I was so shut down emotionally last year, but it didn't necessarily have anything to do with you, although it did affect you and how I related to you. I realize it now (looking back) that I was unemotional and I understand that you were trying to talk to me about it, but I just didn't want to deal with it because I didn't want to feel anything at the time. It wasn't fair to you. Of course, you deserve to be taken seriously and have your concerns addressed.

It was a surprise for me to realize recently (after we started seeing each other again this year) that I did fall in love with you again. You were right about what you saw going on with me. I was in love with you and I am in love with you. I just wanted to make that point clear. I was not trying to deny that the other night.

What I don't understand is why we can't love one another and enjoy each other's company occasionally without trying to put the relationship in a box.

The first time we dated, I was the one looking towards the future and trying to figure out where we would be- and you kept saying- I can't plan for a month from now much less a year from now. I think that statement is still true.

Now- you are working out of state. If you and I were in an exclusive monogamous relationship again, how fair is that to either of us? The logistics make it impractical.

Not only that, but I am in a phase of my life where I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. All of my relationships have been monogamous until now, and I'm trying something different for a while.

In the last 11 years, I have only been sexual with 6 guys (including you). I have probably been on about 30 to 50 first dates within this period of time but in most cases, never even had a second date.

After we broke up last year is when I decided to live a more open lifestyle. Something happened within me and my heart finally opened up. I decided to allow myself to love as many people as I am able to love.

You expressed your feelings about my bisexual tendencies and I understand your concerns and I respect your boundaries on that. I still need to figure out some things about my sexuality and how I will express it. But I'm not confused about my ability to love.

There may be a time in my life where I would decide to pursue a monogamous relationship, but now is not that time. I believe that my happiness and the place I am in emotionally is because I have allowed myself to open myself up and Iíve decided that there are other very valid types of relationships that are loving that are not monogamous as long as they are based on honesty, respect and trust.

Being emotionally open has its drawbacks. I cried off and on all day on Sunday (the day after we went out to eat) I was ashamed of having hurt you last year and suddenly feeling really bad about it.....delayed, I know, but at least I am feeling now. I was and am also very sad about having seemingly lost you again....after getting close to you again.

I hope that by staying open, my heart will stay open and I will be more thoughtful and sensitive. I never wanted to mislead you in any way.

My perspective of me and you as a couple is this: Our temperaments are opposite in some ways. I am internally wired and I introspect about everything. It is normal for me and I tend to be more compatible with others who introspect a lot. For the most part, I am not able to introspect with you because you aren't interested in it, so although you don't realize it; when we are together, I am having to stifle a big part of myself and the way I process things. I can't truly be myself. But, on the other hand, we do share some interests and when we are doing something fun together that we both enjoy, somehow we meet in the middle and a natural compatibility happens.
The other thing that also comes up for me is the fact that life is so short and although I have probably been on 50 first dates in the last 10 years, I very rarely meet people I want to spend time with. Sexually, there has never been anyone that I have wanted to be with as much as you either. Those things are the things that draw me to you and why I keep trying to have some sort of relationship with you. I do still want to have a relationship with you, but only if we can figure something out that works for both of us.

So, yes, it is true that I was happy to be with you and spend time with you. And that I love you and care deeply for you. I know you have opened yourself up to me many times and I appreciate that. I'm sad about the thought of not seeing you anymore, but I understand if you do not want to see me.

Love always,
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  #33  
Old 06-02-2010, 04:01 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 22- Weekend with Richard and fun with Charles and Holland

I realize that emotions ebb and flow and I guess itís possible that feelings of insecurity and jealousy might appear for me in the future, but for now I am not experiencing jealousy in my life with any of my male lovers.

I can enjoy Charles and Holland as long as I adjust my expectations of them. Their relationship is pretty dysfunctional, so I am only able to get so close to them emotionally. When we're all together, Holland seems to be okay. But as soon as Charles leaves her field of vision, she gets nervous and anxious. They fight almost daily and have done so since they met. It seems to be a normal dynamic for them and something which creates drama and keeps the intensity up for them. Although they both express that they are tired of it, they are unable to get out of the cycle. He is telling her he's poly and has said so since they first met. (I was on their first date.....how obvious is that?) She is saying "Okay". But she is also saying she's mono and wants him to convert over. He is not really listening to her and she's not listening to him. Deep down inside, they are trying to convert each other. She is not emotionally able to accept a poly lifestyle.

Their codependency on each other is so profound. I can tell that the drama of fighting, breaking up and then making up is exhilarating for them and it's a cycle that has been consistent since they met. Each of them expresses that they are tired of it, but neither are able to break free.

The codependency itself will keep them together....no telling how long, but probably for years. The ironic thing is that if either one of them would start working on their emotional health, it would ruin the relationship. They have to stay dysfunctional to keep it together.

Itís not the type of relationship I desire and therefore I have limited interactions with them, but sometimes when Richard and I get together with them we have such a great time. Like this weekend!!

I spent the entire weekend with Richard! We met up with Charles and Holland on Saturday and had such a great time going out to eat and then out dancing! The four of us are so comfortable with each other and we tend to spontaneously swap partners in public when showing affection to each other. It has gotten so second nature to us that we donít think about it anymore. Occasionally I would notice that people would be watching us and I would remember that we are not displaying the behavior of two traditional couples. At the restaurant, I noticed a woman watching us curiously. She was with a man and another couple. They all seemed to be quite bored with one another. She seemed to be aching for a bit of excitement.

At the end of the weekend, Richard and I discussed the fact that he will be selling his house within the next year and I suggested that he may consider moving into my house for a while and we can see how that goes. We are very compatible and enjoy spending time together. He truly feels comfortable with the poly lifestyle, as do I, so we would be free to continue with our current lifestyle. Itís been a long time since Iíve considered sharing a home with someone. The only way I would be comfortable with that is if we have an established poly lifestyle and are not still experiencing jealousy etc. It was nice to talk to him about that even if it never happens. I was surprised to hear myself saying it. Iíll have to think about it for a while and see if it is actually something that I would be comfortable with in the future
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  #34  
Old 06-02-2010, 04:06 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thanks for keeping us updated, I love reading your story

Ari
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  #35  
Old 06-03-2010, 02:05 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Hi Idealist - I just finished reading your blog - and I am very touched and impressed with your openness, insight and honesty. I am intrigued by how you live your life, with passion, an open heart and a great ability to be in the moment and have a great time with those around you.

To be honest, a part of me is envious of your openness and freedom. I would love to experience the love and connection of men other than my husband - but I am very introverted, shy, self conscious and I don't open up to people easily. I am trying to change those things about myself.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Kat

Last edited by KatTails; 06-04-2010 at 06:15 AM.
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  #36  
Old 06-03-2010, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
Hi Idealist - I just finished reading your blog - and I am very touched and impressed with your openness, insight and honesty. I am intrigued by how you live your life, with passion, an open heart and a great ability to be in the moment and have a great time with those around you.

To be honest, a part of me is envious of your openness and freedom. I would love to experience the love and connection of men other than my husband - but I am very introverted, shy, self conscience and I don't open up to people easily. I am trying to change those things about myself.

Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Kat
What are you talking about?!?!? Your ď7 Stages of GriefĒ sharing on your blog was incredible!! Very insightful!! The ability to understand and work through the stages of grief is perhaps one of the most powerful things a person can do to contribute to an emotionally rewarding life.

Another thing I wanted to share with you is that, yes, I am an extrovert. But most of the people I have a deep connection with and a profound love for are introverts. When a shy, self conscious person finally trusts enough to share- it is truly a gift and a jewel to be treasured!! Thanks back!!
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  #37  
Old 06-04-2010, 03:34 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 23- can't resist Charles

I found myself sharing with Richard last weekend and one of the things I said to him was....I am trying to get some distance between myself and Charles & Holland, but I'm having a hard time resisting my attraction to Charles. It's obviously not all physical....I am drawn to him in so many ways. It really makes no sense to me either!

So- I have an opportunity to spend the weekend at the beach with Charles. We have invited Katherine and she is thinking she may meet us there. So.....I'm really looking forward to the weekend with Charles and if Katherine meets us then it will really be awesome!!!

Charles has encouraged Holland to call Richard and spend some time with him while we're gone. So, part of me is trying to move away from Charles and the other part is going out of town with him for the weekend!!

I guess, for me it's about living in the present moment. I have made a choice to spend more time with him and will continue to do so as long as our connection and time together is life enhancing for both of us!!

And maybe Holland and Richard will develop an intimacy which will help her to adjust to the poly lifestyle.....
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  #38  
Old 06-10-2010, 10:21 PM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 24- Weekend with Charles is over and have a date for tonight

I spent a long weekend with Charles!! I really enjoyed it!! That was the longest period of time we had ever spent together. We were compatible enough to be able to just enjoy each other's company. I didn't realize I had become sort of defensive and protective of my own heart when with him.

Since I realized that I have to move away from him and Holland, I've tried to distance myself and my feelings, even while desiring him and time with him.

Well, on the second day of the trip, he confronted me. We had a big fight and I had to admit that I had emotionally shut myself down.
The fight was a great relief....I suggest it highly

I felt so much better. I'm pretty tough and it's hard to get to me affectively if I'm avoiding intimacy (consciously or unconsciously) but he was able to and it was much better after that, since I just basically surrendered my need to control my own emotions.

So, back to daily life!! I felt a bit sad and melancholy about getting back to work etc., but it will be okay!
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  #39  
Old 06-10-2010, 10:30 PM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 25- MY FIRST DATE WITH A COUPLE

I have a date tonight with a married couple. We met online and have been e-mailing and talking on the phone!! I am so excited. Tonight is a big step for me in my life. My meeting this couple is an act which symbolizes my seriousness and desire for this type of relationship. I have had this dream and desire for many many years. And although I am a person who pursues what I want, it has taken me about 10 years to address this desire of mine, take it seriously and begin to take actions in that direction.

I realize that this particular relationship may not go beyond this one date, but my excitment is about the fact that I am finally doing it. The physical act of getting dressed, driving to the restarant, meeting them and talking etc. brings my body, mind and soul together in the quest. I feel very empowered by my own decision to take action. If there is anyone reading this who would like to feel a bit more empowered, I suggest to take some action. Try (as I will do) to stay as non-attached to the outcome as possible....stay in the moment....and enjoy!!!

This forum has helped me!! Thanks to everyone who has shared your successes and struggles. I feel very isolated here in the Deep South, but this forum helps me so much and I am grateful for it!!

So- I'm going to get ready for my date and I will report back to everyone!!!
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  #40  
Old 06-10-2010, 10:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
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I have a date tonight with a married couple. We met online and have been e-mailing and talking on the phone!! I am so excited. Tonight is a big step for me in my life. My meeting this couple is an act which symbolizes my seriousness and desire for this type of relationship. I have had this dream and desire for many many years. And although I am a person who pursues what I want, it has taken me about 10 years to address this desire of mine, take it seriously and begin to take actions in that direction.
Absolutely best of luck idealist Sounds amazing

Have a great night

Ari
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