I'd like to receive some advice and/or opinions...
Hi everybody! It's nice to find a place where people can comment about this subject with freedom and respect.
* Note: I'm really not sure if we got a polyamorous relationship in the strict sense of the word, because it's more like an "open relationship" where any other relationship is "secondary". But hey, we're just begginers and really don't know what could happen next.*
Anyway, first I'm going to tell you a little about our story. We've been living together for 2 years now, we met at the internet when I was looking for places outside my country to go to study. We have this looong conversations at MSN for almost a year. I decided to go to his place, I was admitted in an Art School there and I'm here with him, now. (I'm calling him G. from now on)
We agreed from the beginning that we don't believe in sexual exclusivity nor monogamy; the problem was that I assumed that he will tell me about any new relationship that could appear on our lives, and G. assumed that our policy will be "don't ask, don't tell" and any other relationship will be treated as a secret.
Then, 5 months ago, by accident I discovered that G. was seeing someone else. And that they were dating since almost the same time we've been together (year and a half). It hurt me badly, first of all because he kept this secret and lied to me and I'd trusted him like no other partner I've had. Second, I was beginnning to experience some serious homesick feelings, and all my selfsteem and self-confidence were weak, so this discovery triggered a big depression.
I told him. We confronted the situation in a very civilized way, I must say. He really believed that wasn't important to me to know about this other woman, he believed that the "blind" policy was best. But I value honesty above most things ant I do think a polyamorous or open relationship cannot work if they're not "open". He agreed to face his fears and try to be more honest about this other relationship. We're working together my jelaousy issues and has been very supportive with me.
That's really nice, but... The other woman is married, and her marriage is a traditional monogamous one. She's cheating on her husband, and has a different view on things. She knows that I'm aware of her relationship with G. When he told her, she freaked out. She is afraid of meeting me on the street, she even warned G. not to go to a place we were going on the same day as she was going...that kind of stuff. Although I don't approve the way she's behaving, I try not to judge her and I don't want to upset her. I would like that we could have a coffe and get to know each other a little (I really don't know her except for a party where G. introduced us), but I'm not even asking for it because I know she doesn't want to.
I decided to get along with the situation and be flexible, G. has total freedom to see her whenever he wants (when they can manage to schedule a date). He tries to arrange their meetings when I'm out of town or at the Art School, so I don't have any complaints, I'm not deprived of love and time.
(By the way, I've been monogamous during this 2 years, mostly because my social circle is rather small and haven't met a guy that I feel attracted to, but I don't feel the need to meet somebody else, either.)
OK, that was "the prologue". Now comes the issue that's bothering me right now...
I assumed that G. always use condoms in the sex with her. But since I already had learned that you never "assume" anything about somebody, and was reading something about safe sex and polyamory, a week ago I asked him: "Do you always use condom with Her, don't you?" Silence. "...Well, I did at first, but then, after she did some tests, we decided to ditch the condom." "A-ha...Since when? Before I found out about Her?" "...Er, yes, maybe since a year ago or something like that."
I managed not to punch him on the face. I felt so betrayed, so humiliated...Here I am, struggling with a whole new life, away from my family, my friends, my career; trying to be understanding and flexible and committed to share and be honest...and this ***** tells me he's been having sex without protection with a woman who I don't know, that has been manipulative and deceptive, without telling me?!
I understand that he kept silent because didn't want to "make things worse" when I found out about Her, that he felt it was too much information. Also I know that we humans want to "get away with it" all the time, and that leads us to behave, sometimes, without consideration for the others' feelings and needs.
I know he trust Her and believes there is no risk of harm for me, but I think he's being too gullible: How can you be sure that her husband is 100% faithful (as she claims) when they have a marriage based on lies?
G. told me that he'll do whatever I want, even if I ask for something that will cause trouble between him and Her. Since he's facing lots of stress right now (because of work) and I'm so hurt and depressed, I decided to wait until things get calmer to make my petition.
I want to be fair, and just; I really don't want him to have any problems with her because of this, I don't want him to stop seeing her, but I feel like I need to stand up and be assertive because I'm not the one who's done wrong.
Should I ask G. to start using condoms with Her, again; even knowing it could mean she'll get mad at him and create a conflict? Or should I embrace his trust and just let them be?
Thank you so much if you made it reading until the end!
Last edited by CharlotteCorday; 06-10-2010 at 08:37 PM. Reason: bad ortography
|affair, cheating, honesty, safe sex|