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  #11  
Old 06-05-2010, 09:45 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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I think that Pepper's Nonmonogamy for Men/ essay is very good, and might give you a few ideas.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EL314 View Post
You asked "Have you been socializing"... That sounds like a good idea; I should try to attend more social gatherings.
Red Pepper's advice is really good; the more socialising you do, the better.

One impression that came to me when reading your posts is that you're very clear on the type of relationship you're looking for. I've met very few people who are interested in a secondary relationship as a general concept. Nevertheless, people keep getting into them because they're interested in a relationship with a particular person, and that person happens to have other commitments.

I'm not saying that nobody out there at all is hunting for a secondary relationship, I'm just saying that you may be putting the cart before the horse. Rather than look specifically for relationships that fit your life, just look for people who you relate to. If romantic feelings develop, some of those people will want to date you, not necessarily because they wanted to have a secondary relationship with a married man, but because they want to date you! I have absolutely no idea how this could possibly work on internet dating sites, but that is how I typically see secondary relationships form.

As a side note, having a no-Pagan rule is definitely going to limit your partners in a lot of poly- communities. You might consider being more flexible when it comes to a relationship that, after all, is not going to be your main source of love and companionship. Obviously, dating someone whose worldview you have no respect for would be terrible, but you might find that you can be compatible with more people than you thought when the pressure on the relationship is low due to other commitments.
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  #12  
Old 06-05-2010, 10:05 PM
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EL314 EL314 is offline
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jkelly,

Thanks for the insights; I hadn't even realized that I was approaching my search from such a "secondary"-centric point of view until you pointed it out! That is probably an unusual way of going about the process and definitely was causing me to have limits on my thinking. Also, you are right... I should try and be a bit less focused on the belief systems of potential partners. They are likely to be unconcerned with my thoughts on the subject; why should I get hung-up on theirs?

Thanks,
Bill

PS: Heading over not to read Pepper's "Nonmonogamy for Men" essay.
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  #13  
Old 06-06-2010, 08:50 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
This isn't a you problem. This is being a guy problem. And really...do you blame her. If she is meeting her men online mostly, she will want to be very comfortable before meeting. You just don't know, regardless of conversation, what the person on the other end will be like (heck you could be a girl). Pressing the issue will only increase the chance of it not happening. You might need more patience here.
Two months of daily contact is a lot of patience.


I actually operate the exact opposite way: I prefer to chat a couple times online and then meet in person as soon as possible. The reason? You can tell 1000x more about someone in person in 20 minutes than you can in 6 months of emails. Emails are thought-out and planned, you get to tailor them exactly the way you want to be heard. In-person is a lot more ad-lib. Conversation flows... or else it doesn't, and you figure out PDQ that there's no relationship potential.

My most recent confirmation of this was meeting some guy on OKC who seemed really cool. He was poly, interested in physics, seemed open-minded... so we chatted about a month online, and finally met for lunch. Even though he knew we were meeting for lunch, he ate right before coming, and so I was sitting there being the only one eating, feeling really conspicuous. Then when I had the audacity to actually finish all the food I paid for (one regular meal, no desert), he made some snarky comment about "wow, you must have been really hungry" ... I was like, "well no shit, I didn't eat breakfast 20 ago" ... I could have saved myself a month of wasted time by meeting him sooner.
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  #14  
Old 06-06-2010, 03:41 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Hello !! I don't really have any advice for you....but just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I do find that it's harder (in general) to find women who are open to getting involved in the poly lifestyle. Good luck and keep sharing !!!
Don't want to hijack here..................but.........

Idealist.........

Refreshing to see such a comment from a lady.

What thoughts/experiences do YOU have to explain this ??

It would appear that you ladies have as much - or more - to gain from embracing such lovestyles. From your writing you are glowing in your choices.
That being the case, what do you think is the sticking point ? Is it simply education ?

GS

PS: If you feel like it - this might make an interesting thread to start.
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  #15  
Old 06-07-2010, 04:12 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default Agreed !

I agree with both Ariakas and Redpepper.

- There is definetly a certain amount of dedication one has to have with the poly groups. Be consistant, go and meet in person. Many times over. Some men do much better in person, then on the internet.

- Ariakas is right. It is a 'guy issue' period. My husband is a lovely,genuine, good looking man. He was feeling much the same as you for awhile.

What worked for us, is me helping him out, by talking to women for him. Once some women see, that he isn`t a cheater/jerk and his wife really is ok, many of them kept chatting with him.

Oh, as for women who want to go slow. I am one of those women. I can take 2-3-6 months before meeting someone. I rarely meet anyone on a whim.

Partly safety, and partly the fact that as a woman we do receive many, many invites. The best way to weed the wrong people out, is to really have patience, and take our time. I can say I have never met a weirdo, or freak, or someone I wanted to get away from fast.

While I know it will happen at some point, I think my positive outlook on internet dating, is due to having such restrictions.


...just some food for thought.
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  #16  
Old 06-07-2010, 05:45 PM
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EL314 EL314 is offline
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Superjast et al,

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I'll definitely try more face-to-face meet-ups. My wife is also willing to help by talking to potential matches. I should realize that everyone is different and that many women will need many weeks (possibly months) of talk before meeting. My wife is not at all like that though, and it may have given me a false impression that if someone doesn't want to meet after a month or two that something is wrong. My wife likes to make the initial contact via the internet, but then move to meeting as soon as possible (usually after a few days of messaging and talking). One thing she does to help her peace of mind about safety is to get their full name prior to meeting, then checking them for a history of criminal activity (here in Arizona we have a free, publicly accessible website to search all court cases in the state). She also checks the state-wide sex offender registry.

Thanks,
Bill

PS: I've now read the "Nonmonogamy for Men" essay recommended by jkelly (linked in msg #11 of this thread). I'd like to second the recommendation; very well done and informative! I've got it saved to my hard drive for reference.
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  #17  
Old 06-09-2010, 03:11 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
What thoughts/experiences do YOU have to explain this ??
It would appear that you ladies have as much - or more - to gain from embracing such lovestyles. From your writing you are glowing in your choices. That being the case, what do you think is the sticking point ? Is it simply education ?
I'm not sure, but this is what I can say about myself and since I'm female, it may say something about woman in general. First of all, I have not been a "sheeple" or blind follower. I pride myself on the ability to think for myself. When things don't make sense for me anymore, I abandon them. But, even so....it has taken me until the age of 52 to find out about polyamory and embrace it. It was about 12 years ago when I said to a friend for the first time "I'm not sure I believe in monogomy any more. It does not seem to be very practical or realistic" But, there was no option presenting itself to me at the time and so I began to create a whole new lifestyle for myself. When I found out about polyamory, I knew I had found my answer.

I do think that women are especially vulnerable and prone to buying into the fairy tale images as well as the love songs and movies about love and how you have to find "the one" and how "I am nothing without you" and "I can't live without you" and all of those codependent ideas that our culture puts on us. The white dress and the whole wedding ritual with promises of "till death do us part" are the things that women tend to cling to with some amount of desperation at times which can be almost embarrasing.

There are a lot of men who still desire (or think they desire) monogamy, but men don't cling to it like women do. It seems to me that you can talk most men out of the idea of monogamy by painting a picture of a polyamorous lifestyle. But women are not so easy.

It's a definate reality..... I'm not sure I completely understand why, but I guess it's a combination of cultural brainwashing and lack of an alternative vision that people can hold on to and strive for.

I would be willing to bet that within 50 years, Polyamory will be the normal lifestyle with monogamy being the minority.
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  #18  
Old 06-09-2010, 03:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
.......................

It's a definate reality..... I'm not sure I completely understand why, but I guess it's a combination of cultural brainwashing and lack of an alternative vision that people can hold on to and strive for.

I would be willing to bet that within 50 years, Polyamory will be the normal lifestyle with monogamy being the minority.
Thanks for your thoughts Idealist !

Going to open a new thread in General to see if we can dig into this more without hijacking this thread.

TY - and to EL314

GS
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  #19  
Old 06-09-2010, 11:22 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post

I would be willing to bet that within 50 years, Polyamory will be the normal lifestyle with monogamy being the minority.
I'd take you up on that bet if I thought I was going to live another 50 years
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  #20  
Old 11-15-2013, 11:56 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Horseshit, complete and utter horseshit

and don't get me wrong, cause I fucking love horse. But anyway bell, like so many other seemingly problematic occurrences that happen in the is world, there is a simple answer.

Well, two really, but before I remind of one of them, I would ask you, is there really even a problem?

And let us suppose that yes there is a problem this time around, but it doesn't mean that there always is an actual problem.

There are certainly cases that the circumstances are such that there is no real problem, but there for the sake of argument, let us assume their is

Do you really want to have the problem resolved?

Take a second or even a minute or two, and see if you can wrap your head around the reason you think there is a problem, and then regardless what do you want done

about this problem
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