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  #11  
Old 06-09-2010, 03:24 PM
leslie leslie is offline
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Thanks for you response. I cried when I read it because it so accurately describes how I feel and helps me to make sense of why it is taking me so long to feel safe again.
I would love to know what the middle ground is. What are the steps, and do you think it is possible to go back and start more slowly?
I feel so confused now and I am starting to make irrational demands that seem like just an effort to get some control of the situation.
A lot of the time, I wish the whole thing never happened and that I never have to deal with poly stuff again. Then, when the smoke clears, I like thinking about how wonderful it is to be free of restrictions and expanding love. But right now, it is a mess of emotional turmoil and hurt feelings.
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  #12  
Old 06-09-2010, 09:22 PM
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Smile Taking it Slowly and finding middle ground

Hi Leslie

I thought S Cat's advice was wonderful as well. One of those replies where you just think 'she's nailed it'.

As I said, I've had (still have) quite a similar dynamic happening, we're just a couple of years down the track. As far as taking it slowly and finding middle ground all you can do I think is experiment. Try things, see how they affect you and then re-negotiate and try again.

Loving each other deeply and being committed to each other's happiness as much as your own is a key. I have accepted things like Z going and staying with J but then when it has happened it has caused me too much pain even with the texts and phone calls. My mind is there with them the whole time. I know I will have to get over this but the 5 days we tried it last time was too much.
We will try it again but just for one night and a week night not a weekend.

It's an ongoing process and sometimes it's great and sometimes it all feels too hard. It's taken me two years to accept that it's not going away and to try and work with it positively. If I was younger and wasn't so financially enmeshed with Z I honestly don't know if I would still be here even though I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before.

Thinking of you
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  #13  
Old 06-10-2010, 01:25 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If I was dating someone whose partner was having a hard time, I would want to know if the partner was expected to call her. Then I would make sure he did. What's 5 minutes out of my weekend if it will help a suffering partner have some peace of mind?
I agree with this and I follow this also. When I am with Charles and Holland is at home, I ask him to call her occassionally just to check in. He looks at me gratefully as if he wanted to but didn't want to make me uncomfortable. I know it helps her and he appreciates me for suggesting it.

One time, they had an argument on the phone while he and I were together. I helped him work through it....helping him understand her position and he said it made him feel closer to me!
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  #14  
Old 06-10-2010, 06:08 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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*big grin @ idealist* Wouldn't it be awesome if every man had a "wing woman" for when they get into arguments, to help them keep perspective? And Vice-versa. I know, I know, it's 2010 and men and women are equal blah blah blah. I don't buy that, though. Men and women are very very different, and will continue to be so for at least a few more millennia. Neurologists are just starting to pin down SOME of the biochemical differences in the brain. Considering we're pretty much run by biochemistry the way a computer is run by its operating system, we're sorta like computers from two leading multibillion dollar companies that shall remain unnamed

Quote:
Originally Posted by leslie View Post
Thanks for you response. I cried when I read it because it so accurately describes how I feel and helps me to make sense of why it is taking me so long to feel safe again.
I would love to know what the middle ground is. What are the steps, and do you think it is possible to go back and start more slowly?
I feel so confused now and I am starting to make irrational demands that seem like just an effort to get some control of the situation.
A lot of the time, I wish the whole thing never happened and that I never have to deal with poly stuff again. Then, when the smoke clears, I like thinking about how wonderful it is to be free of restrictions and expanding love. But right now, it is a mess of emotional turmoil and hurt feelings.
Hon, I wish I knew. When I find out, I'll send you the memo It's so easy to say "find middle ground" and so hard to actually do it...

But a simple answer to a simple question, yes I think it's possible to go back and start more slowly.

If possible, it would be great for the three of you to sit down and have an honest conversation about your feelings and what you would each like to have happen, and then make some goals that are reachable by all of you.

I say all three of you, because it can really help to have "the other woman" involved, so that she feels like a real live person to you, with hopes and dreams and fears just like you have, as opposed to some faceless other body that your husband is banging.

I realize there's a distance issue, but you could do a video conference on Skype or something. Putting a face on a person can really help you perceive them as another human being.
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  #15  
Old 06-11-2010, 04:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Wouldn't it be awesome if every man had a "wing woman" for when they get into arguments, to help them keep perspective? And Vice-versa....
Definately!! after my 12 year lesbian relationship (in which I had isolated from men entirely) I made so many guy friends and I "studied" them to see how they think. I questioned them constantly on all subjects (but mostly relationship stuff) and I did realize that men and women are definately different in the way the process relationship stuff!!

Quote:
I say all three of you, because it can really help to have "the other woman" involved, so that she feels like a real live person to you, with hopes and dreams and fears just like you have, as opposed to some faceless other body that your husband is banging.
I agree with this. I have said this before too..... ditto !!!
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