Long distance love

[rolypoly]

I searched the forum and haven't found a topic solely on this, so I'm starting one. (Hopefully I've searched thoroughly enough).

I just got off the phone with Nerdist and we talked a little bit more about what we would like with each other if I do indeed move away. In my heart, I'm feeling most like I want to move back to where I lived before. It worked for me there.

I've seen a few people mention that they're in long-distance poly relationships and I'd love to hear about how they work for you. Neither Nerdist nor I have been in a long distance relationship, so we don't really know how to go about it.

It's a 10-ish hour trip and there's a very good rideshare board from there to here. It's feasible to spend some time together throughout the year. We also talked about agreeing upon how often to phone/email each other. I know I'd feel more connected if I knew that we had time reserved for talking with each other and catching up.

What other agreements do people have that make LDRs more smooth? How do you handle them? What benefits do you get from your relationship if regular physical intimacy isn't possible?

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by rolypoly

I searched the forum and haven't found a topic solely on this, so I'm starting one. (Hopefully I've searched thoroughly enough).

I just got off the phone with Nerdist and we talked a little bit more about what we would like with each other if I do indeed move away. In my heart, I'm feeling most like I want to move back to where I lived before. It worked for me there.

I've seen a few people mention that they're in long-distance poly relationships and I'd love to hear about how they work for you. Neither Nerdist nor I have been in a long distance relationship, so we don't really know how to go about it.

It's a 10-ish hour trip and there's a very good rideshare board from there to here. It's feasible to spend some time together throughout the year. We also talked about agreeing upon how often to phone/email each other. I know I'd feel more connected if I knew that we had time reserved for talking with each other and catching up.

What other agreements do people have that make LDRs more smooth? How do you handle them? What benefits do you get from your relationship if regular physical intimacy isn't possible?

It seems my life has been a series of LDRs or logistically nightmarish love affairs. But when my husband and I were dating, a lot of that time (months during the 3 years before we married) was spent as an LDR. He lived in Ireland and I was here in the states. Anyway that was before internet and email, cell phones and texting. We set aside a specific time (Sundays at 9pm his time which was 4pm here) to talk and catch up. We usually talked for at least an hour, sometimes 2. Then of course we wrote to eachother almost daily. He would send postcards too. We met up every few months- NY, Boston and Dublin. Until I decided about 1 year into it ...ok, enough is enough, and I moved to Belfast for 5 or 6 months, and then I moved back again for work/school. He followed me back to the states after about 4 months and we married two months later. It is doable...although time always seemed to drag in between meetings. We dated other people for about a year but then we became monogamously exclusive...that was really hard during LDR! You always miss eachother when apart but with all the technology available now, it shouldn't be nearly as hard on the relationship. Best of luck.

[rolypoly]

That's great, thanks for sharing MG. Feeling encouraged.

[NeonKaos]

I don't have any personal experience with this (yet), but I see it as more viable for a poly-relationship than a mono-relationship. That is, you're not "limiting" yourselves to this one long-distance relationship, and you're both free to pursue other relationships that fill the need for physical closeness on a daily basis.

[vandalin]

Cajun and I had an LDR before I finally moved to Minnesota. I was in Chicago area and that is about 7-8 hour drive. We emailed each other...well I should say we sent short stories to each other as that is how we used to write emails, lots and lots of information, talking about everything, etc. We'd talk on the phone once in a while but email always seemed easier.

For getting together we switched off between him driving all the way, my driving all the way, and then us meeting somewhere half way (The Dells was a regular choice) We did this every two-three weekends, that way it wasn't too long before seeing each other.

It will take communication (duh) and scheduling, especially as there are more people involved than just the two of you, but it is possible and done all the time. The hardest part is not giving up.

[Ariakas]

I think in polyamory this can be a successful relationship structure. For the exact reason Ygirl said.

Having only been in two long distance relationships before, one purely monogamous, the other was up in the air, one was a failure, the other, I ended up moving out west and marrying her . For the failure It was an age thing and the distance was about a 24 hour bus ride. In the end it just didn't work. I think even at 16 I asked if we could have an open relationship so I could fulfill any physical requirements a 16 year old boy may have had. Great conversation when you are that young.

All that said, my perspective in how I view things has changed and is always changing and being challenged. I think it has the possibility to be a smashing success depending on the people involved.

[Celest]

I'm currently in a LDR with my poly partner. It worked well for a while as although the distance and travel-time was a pain in the bum, it felt healthy to have that time apart and look forward to seeing each other monthly. His other girlfriend was also a LDR for him.

However, she has recently moved in with him, and although it makes it easier for him to have time and money to travel to me more often, it's made it more difficult in terms of feeling stable in the relationship - feeling like we're all in the same position almost.

I think that LDR's can work really well where there is good communication and regular contact - emails/calls/texts whatever...and if nothing else, it's always nice to look forward to seeing someone you love.

[rolypoly]

Originally Posted by YGirl

I don't have any personal experience with this (yet), but I see it as more viable for a poly-relationship than a mono-relationship. That is, you're not "limiting" yourselves to this one long-distance relationship, and you're both free to pursue other relationships that fill the need for physical closeness on a daily basis.

I agree YGirl, I think it's more viable because it's poly.

[rolypoly]

Thanks so much for everyone's feedback! I feel encouraged.

Yes, communication and scheduling. I think scheduling is a huge part of it. (Have you seen their calendar! ).

I really love the suggestion of meeting halfway. I hadn't thought of that.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by YGirl

I don't have any personal experience with this (yet), but I see it as more viable for a poly-relationship than a mono-relationship.

I definitely see a long distance relationship being more viable for a poly relationship. To take it farther and relate it to a friends situation, I don't see any hope of a mono/poly long distance relationship ever working if longevity is part of how you define success.