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  #11  
Old 06-08-2010, 08:58 PM
SeekerOfTruth SeekerOfTruth is offline
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I want to express my deepest thanks to everyone who has posted here. I thought that unsure feeling in my gut was simply me being stubborn or struggling to find some way to place blame on her, but a great deal of what everyone is saying here is stuff that reflects what my own friends have said to some degree, if explained better, and I find myself acknowledging the truth of a lot of it. Last night I ignored her calls and texts and went to bed pretty angry at the idea that I've been submitting to abuse the past year and two months, and I sent her a letter this morning telling her I was upset and would tell her later why I hadn't cheated on her and why her actions have been emotionally abusive. Again, thank you so much everyone for what you've said.

One question I do have, though...what's the best way to proceed from here?
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  #12  
Old 06-08-2010, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
Hi everyone. I would greatly appreciate any wisdom the community here has to offer, as I'm still quite young and know there are quite a few mistakes I could avoid with such wisdom. So, here's my story, and thanks in advance for any help.
Hello and welcome. We've got a lot of knowledgeable folks here, some may have even been in your shoes at one time or another.

Quote:
Around the sixth month point she began dating, and then entered into a relationship with a new boyfriend. I made one of my first big mistakes here in that at the time, I was not at all alright with this happening...polyamory was something entirely new and scary to me, and I was still trying to adjust to her having -one- other boyfriend. However, I did not directly tell her this...though I spent quite a few nights in intense jealousy, and sometimes sent her messages expressing just how jealous and upset I was, I never directly confronted her and told her that I wasn't okay with the situation happening. And so while there's still a part of me that wants to blame her for not paying attention to my feelings, I recognize that it was fully my responsibility to tell her what my feelings were.
Hind sight is 20/20 my friend. Use the lesson and become a better person for it.

Quote:
So over the next six months after that, I struggled in dealing with my jealousy and continued telling myself that it was silly, that she didn't love me any less or was any less interested in me. I had a chance to meet her new, third boyfriend a couple times and acknowledged that he was a really cool and nice guy, which made dealing with the jealousy a bit easier after putting a face to him.
Did she discuss taking on someone else with you at ALL?
Quote:
Still, I wasn't exactly happy with the situation, but I told myself to get over it...it was only her new boyfriend I was getting jealous over, not her primary at all, and I figured that must've been a good indicator that I didn't seem to have any issue in particular with polyamory and there was a way to make things work.
There's always a way to make things work, we just don't always like the answer. Before I forget www.xeromage.comis an AWESOME site and has some really, REALLY good advice on how to recognize and deal with jealousy.

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And now we come to a point two weeks ago. I went up to a party with my girlfriend being hosted by a friend of hers, whom we will call Girl B. My girlfriend was romantically involved with Girl B, who is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, and so while not in a relationship the two of them were fairly close. The party goes as most parties do with drinking and all that fun stuff, and at some point during the evening I ended up in conversation with Girl B.
Conversation is always a good thing. How else are we to get to know peope?
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Somewhere in our conversation, my girlfriend comes over and says to Girl B, who was apparently interested in me, "It's okay for you to make out with my boyfriend." While I had found Girl B attractive and interesting before that night, in the past hour or two of talking to her I had found myself becoming interested in her and so we happily started making out.

So we're in bed, and my girlfriend comes in and appears distraught, and I get concerned and ask her what's wrong, to which she replies that she's unhappy I've been ignoring her all night. Even as drunk as I was, I realized she was right and I told her we ask Girl B to not join us in bed (for sleeping) that night so that I could spend the rest of the night and following morning paying her the due amount of attention.

My girlfriend, however, invited Girl B back into bed to join us.
This is what confused the crap out of me this morning! She wants attention from you yet invites Girl B back into the bed! It sounds to me like she's an attention whore and as long as she's the center of everyone's universe she doesn't care who she f's up or screws up. I had a friend like that once. It didn't end well.[QUOTE]While I recognize that this was because my girlfriend was herself romantically interested in Girl B, my fairly drunk self was confused[QUOTE]It confuses me and I'm sober!
Quote:
at this action after being told I was ignoring her and took it as a sign that it wasn't as serious as I had thought. So we all fell asleep with Girl B between us, She said she wanted to see me sometime, and I said I wanted to see her as well...I didn't intend it as a promise to start dating and I don't think she did either, more a romantic comment of interest in one another, but my girlfriend overheard this and was very, very unhappy.
After reading the rest of this I am certain I would be telling girlfriend tough titties. If you can have other love interests, why can't I? You can split your attention between me and other loves so why can't I?

Quote:
Though I had to leave that morning, I came back that night because I understood that I had done something to upset my girlfriend and needed to make things right, even if I was confused as to what exactly I had done that was so wrong. Although I ended up arguing with her that night while trying to understand what I did wrong, I ended up apologizing until we were back on good terms with each other once more. I agreed to not pursue Girl B romantically, and both my girlfriend and her primary (who was also dating Girl B) told her to not pursue me romantically.
What, are they in seventh grade or something? Seems to me you and Birl B should be able to make up your own minds about whether you want to start seeing each other on a more than friendly basis!
Quote:
Though I was extremely disappointed, I recognized that things needed to be resolved before I could even think of trying to pursue Girl B.
OK, this makes sense. Make sure your core relationship is stable before adding someone else to it. Your core relationship was on shaky footings so not pursuing someone else until those issues are resolved is a GOOD thing!

Quote:
The following day, however, I found Girl B had sent me a semi-romantic letter expressing regret over the situation and a desire to at least get to know one another better. Reading it brought an incredible smile to my face, but I knew I couldn't respond to her letter as I wanted to and spent the rest of the day trying to decide what I should do with it. I ended up deciding to tell my girlfriend about it and ask what I should do, which made her both angry at Girl B for sending the letter and at myself for "trying to find ways around my agreement".
I swear to you this woman sounds like a throw back to my intermediate years in school! She may be older but you are acting MUCH more mature than she is, IMNSHO & I commend you for even being able to make heads or tales of your emotions after this! You should be able to share these kinds of things with other loves. Compersion and all that good stuff.
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I immediately felt guilt over telling my girlfriend about the letter, feeling like I had betrayed this kind gesture from a girl I really liked and when asked to send it to her,
Send what? Did g/f dictate a letter for you to send back?
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I hesitated. I continued hesitating even once my girlfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn't give it to her in ten minutes, and though I eventually sent it to her after the deadline expired my girlfriend was incredibly hurt that I had not done it immediately.
Blackmail is NEVER a good thing, ever!
Quote:
She told me we were broken up and I was at a loss for what to do, feeling like I had tried to do the right thing and had it bite me in the ass. It was in phone call with her primary that night that I had it clearly explained to me that what I had done the prior weekend with girl B was cheating,
POPPYCOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way it would have been cheating would be if you had gone behind your girlfriend's back, or Girl B had gone behind her partners backs, and made out. Your partners knew about it, the door appears to have been open/unlocked so anyone could have walked in, you did NOT seek out a private place. You did NOT cheat! Ease your conscience on this one.
Quote:
and so the next few hours I figured out what I had done wrong and apologized to my girlfriend. Eventually after many apologies and convincing her and her friends
Why were here friends involved in the first place? Seems to me this should have been between four people. You, g/f & her primary & Girl B (OK, maybe five with Girl B's b/f). No one else needed to know about it. She's trying to cause much drama which was better left behind in high school!
Quote:

The following afternoon she came over and we spent some time being close to one another, me giving her reassurances that I loved her, though I still felt intense guilt over telling her about the letter. It was in an angsty, guilt-ridden moment the following afternoon I put up a facebook status along the lines of "giving up something wonderful for the sake of doing what is ultimately right", which was a very very stupid thing to do when I was on my second chance. The next few hours consisted her very angrily telling me we were broken up and that she hated me, and myself still being so confused about my emotions and my situation that I was unsure whether or not I wanted to beg her for another chance or send a letter to Girl B apologizing and telling her that what happened between us -had- meant something to me. I was halfway into writing the latter when my girlfriend called me again and asked me why I wasn't begging her to take me back...I realized I was being stupid,
uhhhhhhhh, nope, writing that letter wasn't stupid. Sending it wouldn't have been stupid. You aren't stupid. You made some mistakes, we all do, but we learn from then and go forward hopefully having learned a valuable lesson.
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  #13  
Old 06-08-2010, 09:26 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
I want to express my deepest thanks to everyone who has posted here. I thought that unsure feeling in my gut was simply me being stubborn or struggling to find some way to place blame on her, but a great deal of what everyone is saying here is stuff that reflects what my own friends have said to some degree, if explained better, and I find myself acknowledging the truth of a lot of it. Last night I ignored her calls and texts and went to bed pretty angry at the idea that I've been submitting to abuse the past year and two months, and I sent her a letter this morning telling her I was upset and would tell her later why I hadn't cheated on her and why her actions have been emotionally abusive. Again, thank you so much everyone for what you've said.

One question I do have, though...what's the best way to proceed from here?
I'm glad and, unfortunately didn't read this until after I posted the last post .

The best way to proceed would be to put your thoughts down on paper so you don't forget them when you talk to her about what's going on. If you decided to end things with her stick to your guns. Change your phone number if you have to but, IF you decide to end things, don't give in to her whining and whimpering & "poor me, i'm so angry at you. Why and I not the center of your universe any more?" and drama! You are your own person and as such have the right to your own feelings and your own life.

As I mentioned this morning I was I was in an emotionally & mentally abusive marriage for nearly ten years. It wasn't easy to end things, to give stuff up, but in the end my mental and emotional stability have thanked me for it constantly since then.

Please keep us posted on how things are going. As you have found out there is a rich fount of information and support on here.

Hugs.
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  #14  
Old 06-08-2010, 09:37 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post

One question I do have, though...what's the best way to proceed from here?
Oh goodie. This is an easy one. I can even express it in one word.

RUN!

To elaborate. Run. Fly. Flee. You cannot help her here. Retreat. Head for the hills. Make yourself scarce. Sprint.
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  #15  
Old 06-08-2010, 10:10 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post

One question I do have, though...what's the best way to proceed from here?
Maybe everyone is being a little harsh. I mean I agree with them mostly. But that doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship with your girlfriend. But in order for that to work you need to sit down and have a long conversation about new ground rules. She might not know how badly she is treating you. She might just be scared and hurt. We all have times in our past where we treated people we loved badly simple because we didn't know any better.

I would give her a chance personally. It sounds like she cares for you. Give her a chance to grow to face her fears and bad behavior. But if this shit keeps happening... just get out.
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  #16  
Old 06-08-2010, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
Oh goodie. This is an easy one. I can even express it in one word.

RUN!

To elaborate. Run. Fly. Flee. You cannot help her here. Retreat. Head for the hills. Make yourself scarce. Sprint.
IF this is all true, .......I agree with Dharma. RUN !

Your 'girlfriend' would be a manipulating, controlling, charismatic, loser.

PLEASE READ : http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html

You may feel 'lost' without her, but remind yourself, it is possible to care and love others. Hence your initial feelings towards Girl B.


To be honest, reading the part where she 'forced' you to show her the letter, and held the relationship at RANSOM in order to make you comply,.... made me feel physically ill.

NO ONE has the right to envade your privacy, or force you to go public.


You did not cheat either. Not by anyones standards, who is also sane.

If your girlfriend has really done all these things, in the manner you say, she is not polyamorous, she is just a ,........well, nevermind.

If you carry on defending her, you may want to look up 'Stockholm Syndrome'.


P.S., Ever hear that expression, about how when someone points a finger at you, there is 2 pointing back at them ?
That about sums it up, when she called you immature, and not ready for polyamory, etc.
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  #17  
Old 06-08-2010, 11:53 PM
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you might want to re-read what I said as I had some questions you could ask about jealousy...

I think that it could be a big learning experience for you. You say you are young? This is the time to learn from stuff.. later those lessons become even harder and have a far bigger impact.

I would personally run, but I am not you and don't love her. At my time in life I just wouldn't stay with someone like that. If they haven't figured their shit out by now, then I don't have time and would go to someone who does. I wouldn't leave without giving my full synopsis as to why I am going elsewhere though and you could do that too if you feel so inclined. If you are able to move on at this point that is....

I think your leaving talk could be something along the lines of how you feel that you have been mistreated and why. Try to keep it in terms of "me" and "I" statements. Don't blame her, you were also a participant in how she treats you. You could of stood up for yourself, but didn't (I am guessing it's due to lack of experience). You could tell her you realize that now and because you didn't you don't feel that you could participate in your relationship anymore.

You can say that you are now off to search for someone who will be able to give you more of what you need so that you can give to them too in the way that makes you feel good... Give and take that is even. Tell her what you have needed and then tell her that you wish her well with her other lovers.

If you want to stay and she is willing to work on it all then you could also tell her what you need to feel comfortable and begin negotiating how the two of you are going to be okay with each others loves and how your relationship will be conducted so as to include looking into a relationship with the other woman.

You could invite her to work on this with you, with the understanding that its the dawn of a new era... no more controlling, manipulating, rule setting off her own agenda, and bad mouthing you to her friends who then seem to gang up on you. She has to do this with you and her other partners to a certain extent... it's not okay that boyfriend number one calls you up and tells you just how you cheated... it's none of his business, he was being a meddlesome metamour. This is about you and her...your relationship. Nothing to do with him.

There is also no room in "honest" communication to be forced to show letters that other people give you. Yes, be honest you got them and what the content is, but to show them is a breech of trust with the sender in my books and is disrespectful to the sender. Her demanding them is not okay and is controlling behaviour.

She has a lot to learn about treating others with respect, compassion, caring and patience. Woop-di-do that she has been poly for years, that doesn't make her good at it or a better partner. That is earned through practice.

She needs to realize that the "privilege" is in spending time and being loved by you. It is not her "right" because she willed it. She didn't will it. You gave your love to her as a gift. If she abuses that gift and treats it badly, take it back and give it to someone who will treat you as you should be treated... how you would treat yourself is how you should be treated and how you should treat others.
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  #18  
Old 06-09-2010, 12:14 AM
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She needs to realize that the "privilege" is in spending time and being loved by you.
Nicely put Lilo...and very true
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  #19  
Old 06-09-2010, 11:35 PM
SeekerOfTruth SeekerOfTruth is offline
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Again, my deepest thanks to everyone for their support and insight. Last night I told my girlfriend we needed to have a long talk over IM about our relationship, which consisted of two parts.

The first part consisted of me going through with her the incidents throughout the entire situation and telling her where I was unhappy with how I was treated. This entire process went extremely well, she acknowledged my points in a calm, adult manner and apologized for inviting girl B back into the bed, for giving me a ten minute time limit on handing over the letter, and for slapping me. She insisted that what I had done was still violating the terms of our relationship, that she was not blackmailing me with our relationship to get the letter and that she had every right to see the letter because girl B was both her friend and lover and she felt betrayed. On the whole, I feel this part went pretty well.

The second part involved me putting to her the more general problem of not feeling equal in our relationship, and that I wanted to be able to date other people if it was something she was doing. This led to her angrily telling me that I had no right to be talking to her about this after breaking the terms of our relationship, and then her telling me how poly relationships require communication and control over emotions. She continued to insist that I had cheated on her, betrayed her trust on multiple occasions, and treated her in a disrespectful manner. I mentioned to her that I had contacted other polyamorous individuals and told them the entirety of the situation and what they had thought of it, and she got angry at me for abusing her privacy and insisted that people on the internet are not a reliable source of information. She accused me of not caring about the emotional trauma she'd been through and insisted that the blame lied with me on breaking a promise and violating the terms of our relationship. She told me I needed to listen to experienced players who know how polyamory works, and continued to repeat how I had broken her trust. This part of the conversation got a lot messier and less structured than the first, and at the end of it I wasn't sure what I should be doing.

She said that she spent this morning talking to relationship counselors and is writing me a letter explaining what we both need to do in order to make our relationship work. I know I still love her very much, and the rightness of my cause that I began the conversation with has dwindled quite a bit...I still find myself believing that what she's saying could and may be right, and I'm not so sure anymore what I should be doing. Any more thoughts? I could use some.
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  #20  
Old 06-09-2010, 11:41 PM
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writing me a letter explaining what we both need to do in order to make our relationship work..
My thoughts are you are about to be manipulated and told why you are wrong and how you should behave. I like being lead around on a leash too my friend...but only when I'm about to be punished

Seriously, you sound like you are being controlled.
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