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Old 06-08-2010, 01:57 AM
SeekerOfTruth SeekerOfTruth is offline
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Hi everyone. I've just been through a rough spot in my current relationship with a polyamorous woman, and while things are on the road to getting better and I'm doing all within my power to ensure it continues going that way, I'm still picking apart what happened to make sure I understand everything about the situation and myself. I would greatly appreciate any wisdom the community here has to offer, as I'm still quite young and know there are quite a few mistakes I could avoid with such wisdom. So, here's my story, and thanks in advance for any help.

I met this woman last year and after dating her for about three weeks, we decided to enter a relationship with one another. She absolutely thrilled me...beautiful, smart, fun, and I couldn't have cared less that she already was in a long-term relationship with another guy...after all, her attention was mostly on me. And so we spent a lot of time together...I didn't ever really get to know her other boyfriend, and was having a wonderful time with her, and so things were great. This went on for about six months, and though I did get to know her primary partner a little better, we never really got past the point of "oh hey you're that cool guy the woman I'm dating is also with". But overall, I was fine with things as they were, and insisted to her that I would never become interested in another woman.

Around the sixth month point she began dating, and then entered into a relationship with a new boyfriend. I made one of my first big mistakes here in that at the time, I was not at all alright with this happening...polyamory was something entirely new and scary to me, and I was still trying to adjust to her having -one- other boyfriend. However, I did not directly tell her this...though I spent quite a few nights in intense jealousy, and sometimes sent her messages expressing just how jealous and upset I was, I never directly confronted her and told her that I wasn't okay with the situation happening. And so while there's still a part of me that wants to blame her for not paying attention to my feelings, I recognize that it was fully my responsibility to tell her what my feelings were.

So over the next six months after that, I struggled in dealing with my jealousy and continued telling myself that it was silly, that she didn't love me any less or was any less interested in me. I had a chance to meet her new, third boyfriend a couple times and acknowledged that he was a really cool and nice guy, which made dealing with the jealousy a bit easier after putting a face to him. Still, I wasn't exactly happy with the situation, but I told myself to get over it...it was only her new boyfriend I was getting jealous over, not her primary at all, and I figured that must've been a good indicator that I didn't seem to have any issue in particular with polyamory and there was a way to make things work.

And now we come to a point two weeks ago. I was still very much in love with my girlfriend, enjoying spending time with her, and I continued telling myself that I was most likely not polyamorous myself, and would not become romantically interested in any other women while with my girlfriend. That weekend, I went up to a party with my girlfriend being hosted by a friend of hers, whom we will call Girl B. My girlfriend was romantically involved with Girl B, who is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, and so while not in a relationship the two of them were fairly close. The party goes as most parties do with drinking and all that fun stuff, and at some point during the evening I ended up in conversation with Girl B. Somewhere in our conversation, my girlfriend comes over and says to Girl B, who was apparently interested in me, "It's okay for you to make out with my boyfriend." While I had found Girl B attractive and interesting before that night, in the past hour or two of talking to her I had found myself becoming interested in her and so we happily started making out.

At some point during this, however, we started making out less and just sort of...talking romantically, I guess. Those kinds of moments where you're smiling stupidly while staring into their eyes, whispering about how you can't believe this moment is actually real and how unlikely it was for it to happen. And so a bit of this happened mixed in with more passionate making out, until finally the night got to the point where we were all deciding to get to bed. I know at some point before this we had been on the bed making out more, but we didn't have any level of sexual intercourse. So we're in bed, and my girlfriend comes in and appears distraught, and I get concerned and ask her what's wrong, to which she replies that she's unhappy I've been ignoring her all night. Even as drunk as I was, I realized she was right and I told her we ask Girl B to not join us in bed (for sleeping) that night so that I could spend the rest of the night and following morning paying her the due amount of attention.

My girlfriend, however, invited Girl B back into bed to join us. While I recognize that this was because my girlfriend was herself romantically interested in Girl B, my fairly drunk self was confused at this action after being told I was ignoring her and took it as a sign that it wasn't as serious as I had thought. So we all fell asleep with Girl B between us, and the following morning Girl B and I had more of those romantic ogglings of each other next to my sleeping girlfriend. She said she wanted to see me sometime, and I said I wanted to see her as well...I didn't intend it as a promise to start dating and I don't think she did either, more a romantic comment of interest in one another, but my girlfriend overheard this and was very, very unhappy.

Though I had to leave that morning, I came back that night because I understood that I had done something to upset my girlfriend and needed to make things right, even if I was confused as to what exactly I had done that was so wrong. Although I ended up arguing with her that night while trying to understand what I did wrong, I ended up apologizing until we were back on good terms with each other once more. I agreed to not pursue Girl B romantically, and both my girlfriend and her primary (who was also dating Girl B) told her to not pursue me romantically. Though I was extremely disappointed, I recognized that things needed to be resolved before I could even think of trying to pursue Girl B.

The following day, however, I found Girl B had sent me a semi-romantic letter expressing regret over the situation and a desire to at least get to know one another better. Reading it brought an incredible smile to my face, but I knew I couldn't respond to her letter as I wanted to and spent the rest of the day trying to decide what I should do with it. I ended up deciding to tell my girlfriend about it and ask what I should do, which made her both angry at Girl B for sending the letter and at myself for "trying to find ways around my agreement". I immediately felt guilt over telling my girlfriend about the letter, feeling like I had betrayed this kind gesture from a girl I really liked and when asked to send it to her, I hesitated. I continued hesitating even once my girlfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn't give it to her in ten minutes, and though I eventually sent it to her after the deadline expired my girlfriend was incredibly hurt that I had not done it immediately. She told me we were broken up and I was at a loss for what to do, feeling like I had tried to do the right thing and had it bite me in the ass. It was in phone call with her primary that night that I had it clearly explained to me that what I had done the prior weekend with girl B was cheating, and so the next few hours I figured out what I had done wrong and apologized to my girlfriend. Eventually after many apologies and convincing her and her friends that I should be given another chance, she told me she wanted to make things work and so we went to sleep with things heading in a positive direction.

The following afternoon she came over and we spent some time being close to one another, me giving her reassurances that I loved her, though I still felt intense guilt over telling her about the letter. It was in an angsty, guilt-ridden moment the following afternoon I put up a facebook status along the lines of "giving up something wonderful for the sake of doing what is ultimately right", which was a very very stupid thing to do when I was on my second chance. The next few hours consisted her very angrily telling me we were broken up and that she hated me, and myself still being so confused about my emotions and my situation that I was unsure whether or not I wanted to beg her for another chance or send a letter to Girl B apologizing and telling her that what happened between us -had- meant something to me. I was halfway into writing the latter when my girlfriend called me again and asked me why I wasn't begging her to take me back...I realized I was being stupid, and so I proceeded to apologize and tell her that I would rather start over from the beginning than have things ended.
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Old 06-08-2010, 01:58 AM
SeekerOfTruth SeekerOfTruth is offline
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Though I got slapped pretty hard the next time we saw each other, I gave her a binder of our most romantic letters, roleplays, and sketches we had done together and a rose and swore to her that I would not make any more stupid mistakes. The following weekend I made sure to neither pursue Girl B romantically or any other women at all, and did well in abiding by the agreements I had made. However the next time we saw each other I had just found out that my family and I were moving an hour further away. Instead of comforting her and reassuring her that things were going to be fine and that I wasn't going to do anything to break our agreements even with the increased distance, I ended up getting frustrated and yelling at her, confused why she didn't get that I was dealing with all kinds of stress and that I was still trying to make the effort to make things right. Again, I realize that she had every right to be upset...I was still a cheater, and it was entirely possible in her mind that distance could just lead me to cheat again.

Ultimately I apologized to her and begged her to stay, though the following morning I nearly told her to just leave until she told me that she really loved me and wanted us to be back at where we had been. Hearing this convinced me that what I wanted was for us to be as close to each other as we had been, and so I promised her that I really did want to make things work out between us and was willing to do what it took to get there. She stayed with me the following two days and those two days were great, both of us spending our time close to one another and loving each other fully. She had to leave for the weekend, and that brings me to where I am right now.

I'm still very much in love with her, and I want to make things work so we can be as close as we were again. And while the last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me, I am on the whole happy with here things currently are and optimistic about the direction in which they are heading. But there's still this small, twisted feeling in my gut, and every time I look at Girl B's facebook status or page I still feel a sharp pang of dismay at being unable to pursue something, anything with her. I can't talk to any of my girlfriend's friends who are also my friends, because ultimately I worry that something I say will find its way back to her before I'm sure it's something I mean. I can't talk to any of my own friends about it because they have no understanding whatsoever of polyamory, and in their eyes I'm the one who was done wrong by being limited to only one girlfriend while my own has three boyfriends.

First...I understand that polyamory is a privilege, not a right. My girlfriend has told me that I'm too young and inexperienced to be dating other people, and that this situation has proven that. She says that we will have had to be together for at least two years before it'll even be a possibility...is this something I should accept? I'm very well aware that I'm young and did some very, very stupid things because of a romantic interest in another woman, but I have no intention of repeating those mistakes and I feel like it's unfair that my girlfriend can have three boyfriends and two lovers (one of whom is Girl B), and I have to be limited.

Second...was what I did really as bad as cheating? I really don't think I'm a bad person at all, and I know at no point did I mean to intentionally hurt my girlfriend. Is the severity of my girlfriend's reactions to what I did appropriate, given the circumstances? She's been polyamorous for seven or eight years, and since she's the only person with the experience to give me good answers to these questions I doubt sometimes that she's giving me the same answer she would if we were not in a relationship. I know that this may be the part of me looking to blame her in some way for what happened, and so I'm skeptical of myself just as much as her, if not more so.

Third...I still have really strong feelings for Girl B. Right now I'm positive I won't do anything else in pursuit of her as part of the terms of my agreement to my girlfriend, but my heart still aches from the situation with her. I find myself reflecting often on those moments we spent together and wishing so hard that she could know what I was thinking/feeling, regardless of whether or not there's any chance for anything at all between us or if she'd even care. While I've told my girlfriend that I still have feelings for her and will make sure to not act on them in any inappropriate way, I still very much want to. I won't, but I wish there was something I could do on that front.

Fourth...did I do the right thing in telling my girlfriend about the letter that Girl B sent me? I feel like I could have ignored it, or responded in a way that did not pursue further romantic ties, which could have averted a great deal of trauma on all sides while still abiding by the terms of my agreement. I know that honesty is dead on the single most important thing to have in a polyamorous relationship, but are there some things I should simply not be telling my girlfriend as long as she's not asking about them? For example, I mentioned to her that one of my friends (who doesn't know a thing about polyamory) thought that she overreacted to both my interaction with Girl B and my refusal in giving her the letter, and this made my girlfriend extremely angry at my friend. The situation has somewhat been resolved since, but I wonder if these are things I should just not be telling her for the sake of preventing conflict at nobody's cost.

So yeah...thank you so much for reading my incredibly long post of angst, drama, and emotional turmoil. If you have any comments, thoughts, bits of wisdom, or useful advice I would be incredibly grateful and appreciative of anything you can give me. Also if you have any questions or need for clarification, I'll try and respond as quickly as possible. The past two weeks have been an incredible roller coast of emotions and it's nice to just lay it all out like this and see what people think...a fresh perspective would probably do me a world of good. Again, thank you for reading, and I look forward to reading your responses!

Last edited by SeekerOfTruth; 06-08-2010 at 02:58 AM.
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Old 06-08-2010, 03:29 AM
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First...I understand that polyamory is a privilege, not a right. My girlfriend has told me that I'm too young and inexperienced to be dating other people, and that this situation has proven that. She says that we will have had to be together for at least two years before it'll even be a possibility...is this something I should accept? I'm very well aware that I'm young and did some very, very stupid things because of a romantic interest in another woman, but I have no intention of repeating those mistakes and I feel like it's unfair that my girlfriend can have three boyfriends and two lovers (one of whom is Girl B), and I have to be limited.

!

Full fucking stop at this paragraph! No offence but you truly need to grow a back bone on this one. It is totally unfair and indicates she is all about getting what she wants on all fronts. Polyamory is not a privelege..it is your right my friend You are being manipulated and controlled to feed her needs. Either she gets off this selfish kick or I suggest you move on..perhaps with this other woman. Seriously my friend...this situation based on what you are telling us is severely co-dependant. Stand up and be strong.

I'm sorry for being so blunt but even as mono as I am this makes me insane.

Hopefully someone else will chime in with more balanced advice
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Old 06-08-2010, 04:16 AM
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Dear Gods, that was a lot of text.

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I didn't ever really get to know her other boyfriend...

I never directly confronted her and told her that I wasn't okay with the situation happening...

I wasn't exactly happy with the situation, but I told myself to get over it...
The three sentences above are all red flags for me. In the future, I'd advise getting to know the other guy(s) better, and work on communicating what is going on with you.

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I continued telling myself that I was most likely not polyamorous myself, and would not become romantically interested in any other women while with my girlfriend.
If you communicated this to your girlfriend, then the rest of what follows is a bit easier to understand. She may have unfairly taken this as a commitment.

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I agreed to not pursue Girl B romantically,
Woah, why on earth would you agree to that?

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Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
and both my girlfriend and her primary (who was also dating Girl B) told her to not pursue me romantically.
What's going on here? Why would she agree to that? It sounds like the primary couple has some sort of veto power in every other relationship that they're in. That's a really unusual set-up, and I have a hard time sympathising with it. Is there some contractual D/s thing going on here that you didn't mention?

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I immediately felt guilt over telling my girlfriend about the letter, feeling like I had betrayed this kind gesture from a girl I really liked and when asked to send it to her,
This flag is so red it has the opening of Das Kapital written on it. You should be able to share sweet things your partners have done for you with your other partners, without feeling guilty. You're feeling guilty because this dynamic is hugely unhealthy.

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my girlfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn't give it to her in ten minutes,
You were right to hesitate, and you would have been more right to tell her that you don't date people who demand to read your mail on threats of breakup and then you should have left.

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It was in phone call with her primary that night that I had it clearly explained to me that what I had done the prior weekend with girl B was cheating,
She gave you explicit permission to make out, and then invited Girl B into bed with you. You didn't cheat. Unless you're not telling the whole story here (and that's hard to imagine given your tendency for verbosity), this is nonsense. Easier-to-imagine nonsense if you had been assuring her you'd never have another love interest, but still nonsense.

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when my girlfriend called me again and asked me why I wasn't begging her to take me back...I realized I was being stupid, and so I proceeded to apologize and tell her that I would rather start over from the beginning than have things ended.
I think you're confused about where you have... made some less than great choices.

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Though I got slapped pretty hard the next time we saw each other...

...Again, I realize that she had every right to be upset...I was still a cheater, and it was entirely possible in her mind that distance could just lead me to cheat again.
Do you mean that she physically hit you? Again, is there a D/s dynamic that makes this treatment consensual? Why are you accepting her version of events like this? If she told you that you were an elephant, would you accept that and excuse this behaviour based on the fact that elephants have thick skin?

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I can't talk to any of my own friends about it because they have no understanding whatsoever of polyamory, and in their eyes I'm the one who was done wrong by being limited to only one girlfriend while my own has three boyfriends.
A relationship that isolates us from our friends is a warning sign that it's abusive. Abusers do this. Loving partners don't. Your friends may not approve of polyamory, but you need them to give you a reality check on what is going on here.

Besides, it sounds to me that their understanding of polyamory might be just fine.

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First...I understand that polyamory is a privilege, not a right.
I'd say that their understanding of polyamory is significantly better than yours. Look, polyamory is a self-identification, a relationship style, and a toolkit for have multiple romantic partners. It's neither a privilege nor a right.

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My girlfriend has told me that I'm too young and inexperienced to be dating other people, and that this situation has proven that.

She says that we will have had to be together for at least two years before it'll even be a possibility...is this something I should accept?
You are old enough to consent to having adult relationships, right? None of this is something you should accept. You describe emotional blackmail, controlling behaviour, crazy over-the-top drama, and what may be emotional and physical abuse. You really need to end this relationship and get far away from this situation.

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Third...I still have really strong feelings for Girl B... I wish there was something I could do on that front.
You should probably date her after breaking up with your girlfriend, if and only if she's willing to untangle her life from these people.

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Fourth...did I do the right thing in telling my girlfriend about the letter that Girl B sent me?
No, but only because you shouldn't be in this relationship in the first place. Once you get into a healthy relationship, you should feel free to share love notes from sweethearts (as long as everyone thinks that is a fun idea).

TL;DR -- It may seem like I'm being super harsh here. If you only read the snipped quotes above, my response might sound kind of over the top. I assure you that those quotes do not do justice to how bad this dynamic sounds if you read the entirety of the OPs two posts.

Last edited by jkelly; 06-08-2010 at 04:43 AM.
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Old 06-08-2010, 04:17 AM
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Hopefully someone else will chime in with more balanced advice
Yeah, I did, 'cause I thought you were being way too gentle.
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Old 06-08-2010, 04:21 AM
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Yeah, I did, 'cause I thought you were being way too gentle.
Thanks
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Old 06-08-2010, 05:48 AM
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I immediately felt guilt over telling my girlfriend about the letter, feeling like I had betrayed this kind gesture from a girl I really liked and when asked to send it to her, I hesitated. I continued hesitating even once my girlfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn't give it to her in ten minutes, and though I eventually sent it to her after the deadline expired my girlfriend was incredibly hurt that I had not done it immediately. She told me we were broken up and I was at a loss for what to do, feeling like I had tried to do the right thing and had it bite me in the ass. It was in phone call with her primary that night that I had it clearly explained to me that what I had done the prior weekend with girl B was cheating, and so the next few hours I figured out what I had done wrong and apologized to my girlfriend. Eventually after many apologies and convincing her and her friends that I should be given another chance, she told me she wanted to make things work and so we went to sleep with things heading in a positive direction.
Okay, so, let me get this straight... she says you can make out with this woman and then tells you it's cheating? Did sex occur? Did she say anything about that at the time? And what is it with the convincing the friends...? Can she not deal with her own stuff on her own?

Is this a case of hoarding the mono guy? I do that for sure... why? Because he is mono and all mine... maybe she was under this impression and in discovering that you can have feelings for other women, got pissed off that you might not be. Mono's that "put up with our shit" really are rare and coveted I think. Us poly's think we can have all the benefits of a mono relationship without the poly bullshit and hard stuff.

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The following afternoon she came over and we spent some time being close to one another, me giving her reassurances that I loved her, though I still felt intense guilt over telling her about the letter. It was in an angsty, guilt-ridden moment the following afternoon I put up a facebook status along the lines of "giving up something wonderful for the sake of doing what is ultimately right", which was a very very stupid thing to do when I was on my second chance. The next few hours consisted her very angrily telling me we were broken up and that she hated me, and myself still being so confused about my emotions and my situation that I was unsure whether or not I wanted to beg her for another chance or send a letter to Girl B apologizing and telling her that what happened between us -had- meant something to me. I was halfway into writing the latter when my girlfriend called me again and asked me why I wasn't begging her to take me back...I realized I was being stupid, and so I proceeded to apologize and tell her that I would rather start over from the beginning than have things ended.
you did the right thing telling her about the letter... honesty, its the best policy. Without it you have nothing. Don't feel guilty, you did the right thing... so she blew up... better that than starting a real cheating situation... one letter would lead to more and more... and so it goes. It was better to be upfront and deal now in my opinion.
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Old 06-08-2010, 06:26 AM
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Again, I realize that she had every right to be upset...I was still a cheater, and it was entirely possible in her mind that distance could just lead me to cheat again.
Again, how was what you did cheating? Could you please explain? or ask her to again? I don't get it.

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I can't talk to any of my own friends about it because they have no understanding whatsoever of polyamory, and in their eyes I'm the one who was done wrong by being limited to only one girlfriend while my own has three boyfriends.
you can talk to whomever has common sense and in this situation, ...your friends do! They are dead right! She has no right to expect you to sacrifice your needs over hers. No one does. What she is asking for is completely selfish and disrespectful to your rights as for freedom to chose for yourself what you will do. I don't think there is a poly person here that would subscribe to this idea that you are not allowed to have another girlfriend when your girlfriend has other people in her life. This is called controlling and boarders on abusive behaviour if what you say here is true.

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First...I understand that polyamory is a privilege, not a right. My girlfriend has told me that I'm too young and inexperienced to be dating other people, and that this situation has proven that. She says that we will have had to be together for at least two years before it'll even be a possibility...is this something I should accept? I'm very well aware that I'm young and did some very, very stupid things because of a romantic interest in another woman, but I have no intention of repeating those mistakes and I feel like it's unfair that my girlfriend can have three boyfriends and two lovers (one of whom is Girl B), and I have to be limited.
Poly is both a privileged and a right to those that are interested and chose to put the work in. It's a privilege to be able to have the freedom to love others and be loved by many if we are with people who are willing and able to do so and it's a right to find people like that to share with.

Your girlfriend is trying to control you and you are letting her. She is manipulating you into believing a bunch of lies that she has designed to suit herself for her best interest, not yours. You have control over you and it can be her opinion that you aren't ready, but the decision is ultimately yours.

You did not do "very, very stupid" things by the sound of it. It sounds like she got threatened and jealous and decided to blow her head up with it and make sure that you got the full blast of that. That's all fine and dandy, but that is mostly drama that she made up to protect her feelings rather than deal with her jealousy.

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Second...was what I did really as bad as cheating? I really don't think I'm a bad person at all, and I know at no point did I mean to intentionally hurt my girlfriend. Is the severity of my girlfriend's reactions to what I did appropriate, given the circumstances? She's been polyamorous for seven or eight years, and since she's the only person with the experience to give me good answers to these questions I doubt sometimes that she's giving me the same answer she would if we were not in a relationship. I know that this may be the part of me looking to blame her in some way for what happened, and so I'm skeptical of myself just as much as her, if not more so.
no it really wasn't as bad as cheating... have you read the stories on here? Some of them are real cheating stories... yours was a drunken night at a party where you had feelings for someone as a result of your girlfriend saying you could kiss someone.. that is piddly compared to cheating as far as I am concerned. You have no need to feel guilty because you had feelings for someone other than your girlfriend. seriously!

no the severity of your girlfriends reactions is not appropriate, but as I said, possibly she was jealous. Possibly there were other things going on in her life and then that added on top made the whole thing blow. Perhaps if you ask her you will find that there are other emotional things going on for her and that what you did simply just tipped her over the edge. Not fair to blame it all on you if that is the case.

Yes, I would wonder what advice/opinion/judgment she would have if she read this and were going to reply to someone who is a stranger... interesting. I bet it would differ than how she has chosen to react.


So, it seems that your girlfriend needs a reality check. She has drastically over reacted to this it seems and it might be worth finding out why? She has already blown up a million times over little things.. why not go all the way and get to the bottom of what her beef is with you seeing this other woman. After all, she is, her primary is... why can't you? That is perfectly reasonable and fair and I think your agreement not to sucks. It think that asking that the agreement you made be re-worked is perfectly reasonable. You don't have to rush things, but if you like her then I think it is in your right to get to know her and see if there is a spark there now that the alcohol has worn off. I think she should give you her blessing and get to the bottom of her jealousy by talking about it with her numerous partners and yourself... if they are good partners they won't let her bad mouth you and will point out that she is being controlling and unfair with this.
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Old 06-08-2010, 09:34 AM
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I'm super short on time here so I'll just chime in with a quick

Did she get angry with Girl B for making out with you?

This relationship reminds me of my marriage! I eventually saw the red flags and ran! Not far since we have children together but I still ran.

Was she testing you to see exactly how far you would go?

She DID send confusing messages to you at the party. "You're ignoring me" is pretty clear but then inviting Girl B to share your bed??????

Gotta run, more in depth tonight hopefully.
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Old 06-08-2010, 01:46 PM
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candi candi is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Maine
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I think what all the other have told you, is right on. You are definately being controlled and "made" to be mono to her. She sounds really controlling and demanding. To me,,,it's a situation of..what's good for the goose, is good for the gander. I think she SHOULD be happy for you, that you get to also hook up with one of her friends. Not only that, it was SHE that encouraged you, then ripped the rug out from underneath you. She obviously got jealous, but didn't expect that to happen when she encouraged you in the beginning.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't deal with the unfairness of the situation. It's one thing if you want to be mono to her, but it sounds like you also want to enjoy the fruits of being Poly, which you deserve. Age has nothing to do with it..jealousy does. If it was me, in this particular situation, I would have to fight for my rights and have girl B also in my life, after all your girlfriend should understand your wants, seeing's how she has been Poly for so long.
I have no clue as to your' "two year" wait...LOL...that one just came out of the air, in the heat of the moment. She was buying some time here, to figure out what to do. You are being taken totally advantage of here...she wants all three cakes and only wants you to have her only. She already knows in the back of her mind, that you would have both of them, if given that freedom. I think your situation sucks...ask her to become exclusive to you, with no one else involved and see how that goes....I think you already know that answer. She's just being selfish. Looks like you have two options....be mono to her for "her" two year period, to which then, and only then, you will somehow magically be "ready" to have girl B, because she told you, you were.(ya right!!) ..or secondly...go for what you want..you have one life..she introduced you to this unorthodox way of life and should accept that you are going to enjoy the fruits of Poly, right along with her. You also should be albe to contact Girl B as a Poly, without worry of guilt. Good luck to you...hope it works out in your favor...but seeing's how it's been two weeks...doesn't sound like she's going to give on her end...that's for sure... Candi
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