Is this poly related? It sounds like a more general issue, perhaps the most important at the moment.
Mono/Non-Mono - Struggling to Accept
- Thread starter gnc0758
- Start date
I feel that it is poly related, as I did not feel this way before she started having a relationship with another man.
There's two ways in which I can see how this relates to poly (beyond the timing). Firstly, it could be that the decision to become non-monogamous is highlighting the cracks and dissatisfaction that were already there. Sometimes people just get used to things being a certain way and never stop to question if they are actually happy with how things are. This attempted transition has given you pause to question whether you find your marriage satisfying, and whether you and your wife are both enjoying it equally, and you are finding that you feel like you put more energy and effort into the relationship than she does.
Secondly, it could be jealousy. You see that she now gets even more out of her life with this freedom to act upon her crushes, and this pains you. You had originally wanted this to be something that was sexually gratifying to you, but found out that the fantasy was better than the reality, and you are still processing your disappointment from that. That even though your actual relationship with your wife is good, or no different from how it was before, you are aware now that there is "more out there", and that she has found that, but you have not (yet).
It could even be the case that there's a little of both going on - perhaps some neglect within the marriage, and also a dose of envy or jealousy that she has new opportunities on her horizon. I think in either case, the solution has to start with finding contentment in your relationship with her first, as that will give you the tools and security to get over the jealousy and resentment. Once you've done that, perhaps you will be in a better frame of mind to look to explore your open relationship yourself, by dating others. If that no longer holds any allure for you though, and you have a strong desire to go back to monogamy, then it's maybe time to start considering whether you and your wife should remain together. You sound pretty miserable, and if nothing has improved between you guys, no wonder you are feeling disillusioned.
Secondly, it could be jealousy. You see that she now gets even more out of her life with this freedom to act upon her crushes, and this pains you. You had originally wanted this to be something that was sexually gratifying to you, but found out that the fantasy was better than the reality, and you are still processing your disappointment from that. That even though your actual relationship with your wife is good, or no different from how it was before, you are aware now that there is "more out there", and that she has found that, but you have not (yet).
It could even be the case that there's a little of both going on - perhaps some neglect within the marriage, and also a dose of envy or jealousy that she has new opportunities on her horizon. I think in either case, the solution has to start with finding contentment in your relationship with her first, as that will give you the tools and security to get over the jealousy and resentment. Once you've done that, perhaps you will be in a better frame of mind to look to explore your open relationship yourself, by dating others. If that no longer holds any allure for you though, and you have a strong desire to go back to monogamy, then it's maybe time to start considering whether you and your wife should remain together. You sound pretty miserable, and if nothing has improved between you guys, no wonder you are feeling disillusioned.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
It's also possible your wife is handling the "new relationship energy" and the excitement of new shiny possibilities poorly, and neglecting your existing relationship in the process. I think we've all been guilty of this at one time or another so it's not a judgement about her - it's really, really hard to manage a new relationship or crush without taking energy away from an existing partner.
When you say she's not as proactive as you'd like about making you feel special... Do you communicate what words and behaviors would make you feel special? Even long time partners often don't instinctively know. "I'd feel special if you'd plan more dates with me" or "I'd appreciate daily cuddle time"... that kind of direct communication.
As for what you get out of all this... You get a wife who is fulfilled and happy and learning new things about herself. And the hope that the positive experiences she has will bring new energy to your relationship, and new appreciation for how wonderful and amazing and, yes, *special* it is to have a partnership that supports the freedom to grow and explore.
If that isn't as appealing as going back to monogamy, that's ok. There's absolutely nothing wrong with trying something and deciding it's not a good fit for you. But that's something you need to be honest about with your wife.
When you say she's not as proactive as you'd like about making you feel special... Do you communicate what words and behaviors would make you feel special? Even long time partners often don't instinctively know. "I'd feel special if you'd plan more dates with me" or "I'd appreciate daily cuddle time"... that kind of direct communication.
As for what you get out of all this... You get a wife who is fulfilled and happy and learning new things about herself. And the hope that the positive experiences she has will bring new energy to your relationship, and new appreciation for how wonderful and amazing and, yes, *special* it is to have a partnership that supports the freedom to grow and explore.
If that isn't as appealing as going back to monogamy, that's ok. There's absolutely nothing wrong with trying something and deciding it's not a good fit for you. But that's something you need to be honest about with your wife.
Hi gnc0758,
Sorry to hear you are still having struggles with poly.
How absolute is this situation? If you asked your wife to go back to being monogamous, would she do it? If she did it, would she harbor a lot of resentment towards you because of it?
GirlFromTexlahoma made a good point when she advised you to be specific when you tell your wife what you need to be reassured. I suppose it doesn't seem very romantic to tell your partner exactly what to do, but sometimes it's more realistic and effective.
Keep us posted on how things are going, we'll try to think of some additional advice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Sorry to hear you are still having struggles with poly.
How absolute is this situation? If you asked your wife to go back to being monogamous, would she do it? If she did it, would she harbor a lot of resentment towards you because of it?
GirlFromTexlahoma made a good point when she advised you to be specific when you tell your wife what you need to be reassured. I suppose it doesn't seem very romantic to tell your partner exactly what to do, but sometimes it's more realistic and effective.
Keep us posted on how things are going, we'll try to think of some additional advice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I find it interesting that your concerns don't sound like you're afraid of losing her, or of being replaced. As those are often fears too in poly, I'd like to ask if any of those come into play for you?
For the things you cite, those could all be combated by a combination of you working on them, and her working on them. Ways that YOU would work on them including thinking up actual, concrete activities/rituals/words that would valid that she does feel that you're special, is giving you the kind of attention you need and spending time on you. Another thing that can be important to do is acknowledge when she IS giving you those things, and not less a little voice of negativity devalue those things. For instance, when my partner was dating me and Lora (his ex), they would often hang out in our home, whereas he and I would go do things, or do a specific activity together: play a game, read to each other, cook together. Often, Lora would devalue the time that she and Jon spent together, saying it "didn't really count" and that he obviously liked me more, because we did stuff together, whereas they "just hung out".
So, if (for instance) some of your feelings of time and specialness involve doing something other than "just hanging out", it would be on YOU to start thinking of things to do other than "just hanging out". That's also something your wife could help you on. Are there things that you've said to each other, over the years, "I'd love to do X", but you never did it? What if you started doing those things? Or found other things you've never done and would like to do together? Are there things that you've always wanted to do alone, but you never did, because most nights were "just hanging out" with your family (note, I don't think there's anything wrong with "just hanging out" but sometimes we get into a rut of always "just hanging out" instead of doing things that nurture our soul or our intellect)? Those are things you could do when she's out on a date, if you have no interest in poly for yourself.
As for "What's in it for you?" what do you want to be in it for you? What *could* be in it for you? More free time, to pursue those interests that you never got into before, because there was never time? Do you want to try dating yourself? Do you want to spend more time with your friends, or your children, or volunteer? What's in it for you is what you make of it, thinking about what possibilities may have opened up by you having more time. It can be whatever you want it to be.
Now, all that possible positive spin I've said aside, if you really are monogamous at heart, and your wife really is poly at heart, and part of what you need in your relationship is for HER to be monogamous too, then all the advice in the world won't help. BUT - if you could learn to live with (and maybe even enjoy) her being poly and you having more time to pursue your own activities, then it could work out.
Thank you so much for all of the support and advice. I feel quite alone in this, and you all have helped me feel better.
There is an underlying issue where she feels guilty when I tell her about my feelings of separation anxiety and things that I need to hear from her. She says that she feels that her choice to be non-monogamous is at my expense during these times.
For so many years, we have spent almost all of our free time together. We both have had few friends, and focused on raising our children and being each other's best friend, soulmate, and lover. I am, without a doubt, a monogamous person.
She has indicated that this is just temporary, a mid-life crisis, and it will run its course. So, perhaps it is not here to stay.
I feel that it is jealousy.
This has been the central point of our conversations. I have let her know what specific things that I need to hear from her at specific times, but she is inconsistent in saying what I would like to hear.
There is an underlying issue where she feels guilty when I tell her about my feelings of separation anxiety and things that I need to hear from her. She says that she feels that her choice to be non-monogamous is at my expense during these times.
I am really struggling with the concept of compersion.
She has indicated that she would resent me for asking her to go back to being monogamous.
No, they do not. My fears are mostly separation anxiety.
I really do not see much of anything (beyond compersion) in it for me.
For so many years, we have spent almost all of our free time together. We both have had few friends, and focused on raising our children and being each other's best friend, soulmate, and lover. I am, without a doubt, a monogamous person.
She has indicated that this is just temporary, a mid-life crisis, and it will run its course. So, perhaps it is not here to stay.
You can be monogamous (her being your main focus) and still form more relationships, even if just platonic/friendships. There is huge richness and variety in people, which you may have more opportunities to explore now, should you find the joy in it.
I am not really sure, and it depends upon how much she takes my feelings into account. If she does that well, then perhaps I can take it for a year.
When she said that it was just a mid-life crisis, I asked her if she saw herself doing this 2 years from now. She quickly said no
While not refusing to reassure me, she has said thats he feels guilty when I tell her about my feelings of separation anxiety and things that I need to hear from her. She says that she feels that her choice to be non-monogamous is at my expense during these times.
Given that, she has been reassuring me, but she is inconsistent in saying what I would like to hear. She also does not seem to consider how time spent with her boyfriend can affect me.
For example, she went upstairs to shower & dress for us to go somewhere last weekend, and I heard her voice talking to someone a few minutes later. She was video chatting with her boyfriend, and she moved to another bedroom when I came into our bedroom to get ready. I then showered & dressed in preparation to go, after which I spent another hour sitting in our family room waiting, able to hear the sometime-flirty talk that she was saying. She made little mention of the almost 2-hour conversation that they had after it was over. She just showered & dressed and we went about our plans for the day. We did talk about it later, I explained how I felt excluded with no notice, and she apologized. She said that she did not view it any differently than talking to a female friend on the phone for 2 hours.
1. if you have feelings of inadequacy, perhaps it better if you don't watch them.
2. it's perfectly acceptable for you to be mono and her poly. Then you're more into a "hotwife" relationship. There are sites specifically devoted to this.
3. if she's specifically into men 20 years younger it could be a midlife crisis thing (i.e. trying to recapture her youth). There are other possibilities. Not to be too direct, but how do you look for your age? Have you let yourself go? How is your sexual performance? Maybe she's just looking for a nice cock that stays hard for 60+ minutes.
4. Communication is the key to navigating this situation. She has to spend enough time with you that y'all can share your feelings and maintain your bond. You both have to make each other feel special.
5. If either one of you begin to neglect the other, it's going to fall apart.
6. Have you (re)considered getting a girlfriend?
7. Straight up, your wife is probably LOVING the attention. Having 2 men lavishing all this love on her. BUT it's not a competition. Don't approach it as as footrace, but as a team sport. You and this other guy are on the same team to please and love and appreciate your wife. You both bring something different to her. Someone's a guard and someone's a center. They perform different functions and you can both meet different needs she has. Try looking at this from a completely different angle.
8. The more you show jealousy and resentment the more she's going to sneak around. That leads down a very, very bad road of lying and deception. NOTHING is more important than nurturing your wife's feelings of comfort when discussing your marriage and her boyfriend with you. If she's not communicating with you that means she's closing down her relationship with you.
9. perhaps you need to flash-back to an earlier time in your marriage where you ROMANCED the panties off your wife?
2. it's perfectly acceptable for you to be mono and her poly. Then you're more into a "hotwife" relationship. There are sites specifically devoted to this.
3. if she's specifically into men 20 years younger it could be a midlife crisis thing (i.e. trying to recapture her youth). There are other possibilities. Not to be too direct, but how do you look for your age? Have you let yourself go? How is your sexual performance? Maybe she's just looking for a nice cock that stays hard for 60+ minutes.
4. Communication is the key to navigating this situation. She has to spend enough time with you that y'all can share your feelings and maintain your bond. You both have to make each other feel special.
5. If either one of you begin to neglect the other, it's going to fall apart.
6. Have you (re)considered getting a girlfriend?
7. Straight up, your wife is probably LOVING the attention. Having 2 men lavishing all this love on her. BUT it's not a competition. Don't approach it as as footrace, but as a team sport. You and this other guy are on the same team to please and love and appreciate your wife. You both bring something different to her. Someone's a guard and someone's a center. They perform different functions and you can both meet different needs she has. Try looking at this from a completely different angle.
8. The more you show jealousy and resentment the more she's going to sneak around. That leads down a very, very bad road of lying and deception. NOTHING is more important than nurturing your wife's feelings of comfort when discussing your marriage and her boyfriend with you. If she's not communicating with you that means she's closing down her relationship with you.
9. perhaps you need to flash-back to an earlier time in your marriage where you ROMANCED the panties off your wife?
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
In your shoes, I'd be really confused. On the one hand, she's saying this is short term and a mid life crisis... On the other hand, she's devoting a lot of time and attention to it, at the expense of your relationship. I wonder if she's even thought this through and been honest with herself about what she wants and needs from non monogamy
To be honest, it sounds like her choice to see other men IS coming at your expense. You have no interest in seeing anyone else and you feel like your relationship is suffering. I think it's unfair of her to make you feel bad about expressing those feelings.
Compersion is a great thing, but it's hard to experience that emotion if you're also swamped with jealousy or hurt.
Can you sit down with your wife and set some boundaries to make this easier for you? Like, one night a week that is her "going out night", so you can plan other things to do and not feel lonely and bored... Or set aside a few hours a day for you+wife time, and no phone calls / texting during that time with her. I'm not usually a fan of rules and limits, but sometimes they are helpful, especially when you are new to nonmonagamy. Boundaries can be made with the aim of making sure you get your needs met, not just restricting her other relationships.
I don't view talking to my boyfriend as any different than talking to female friend, but... Disappearing to have a two hour conversation when you have plans with your partner is rude no matter who is on the other end of the line
Other people have given you lots of suggestions. I'm going to try links. Could any of these help?
JEALOUSY
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
COMMUNICATION STYLE
WHEN do you remind? HOW do you remind? What's your start up like?
https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-softening-startup/
If she willing to let go of defensive listening?
http://msue.anr.msu.edu/uploads/236/64484/MOD_3_LISTENING_TO_FACE_VOICE_AND_BODY.pdf
YOUR EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT
Are you overloading her and then self sabotaging yourself because she's always been your "go to" person and THIS time she's too close to be that person? Can you see that you are both in the "inner ring?"
http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407
Maybe see a counselor to kvetch for now and help you with your emotional management. To enable you to talk to her right now from a purely "Let's manage this together and solve problems" perspective so you can get more of what you want?
REFRAMING HER BEHAVIORS
To me? It's not her choice to be non-monogamous that is the immediate problem. It is her behaviors toward her marriage right now that is the problem. Neglecting, defensive listening, not doing what you ask but at the same time, not suggesting alternatives she could be willing to do. In short -- she could ENGAGE, PARTICIPATE in the tending of the marriage.
Because being non-monogamous means tending to ALL her relationships. Her partners are not like books to put on a shelf and read whenever she happens to get around to it. Her partners are like tending plants. Put it on a shelf and neglect, when you come back the plant is sick or dead. It is not static -- it is a living thing. Where the book is still itself for the most part. It's not a living thing.
To me, relationships are living things. It's in the word -- RELATE. There has to be some back and forth action going on.
If she wants to have ALL her plants, in good shape? She tends to each a little bit in turn. Not pour all the sun and water on one plant. That's going to drown that one in time, and the other will be brown from neglect. Could giving her that analogy help her to see your perspective more?
EMPATHY FIRST?
Maybe you could ask her how YOU can help HER to tend right now. Is it hard for her to juggle two relationship? How can you make that easier for her? I know you want TLC too right now and it's hard to be pouring TLC for her from an empty cup.
But we manage to do it for our children. Sometimes we have to do it for our spouses or for our own self care if we want to pull out of a slumpy thing.
It can sound counterintuitive if you view it as (other partner is competition for her time) but if you are able to view it as ( she has a time management problem she needs help solving) perhaps that gives you distance enough to help her with it so you can help her clear that off her desk so you what YOU want next. (More time with her.)
Not every new hinge knows HOW to hinge well.
I do hope she wakes up and smells the coffee though -- neglecting you is a good way to let the marriage fizzle out. One cannot be married to a ghost and feel happy about it.
Galagirl
JEALOUSY
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
COMMUNICATION STYLE
WHEN do you remind? HOW do you remind? What's your start up like?
https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-softening-startup/
If she willing to let go of defensive listening?
http://msue.anr.msu.edu/uploads/236/64484/MOD_3_LISTENING_TO_FACE_VOICE_AND_BODY.pdf
YOUR EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT
Are you overloading her and then self sabotaging yourself because she's always been your "go to" person and THIS time she's too close to be that person? Can you see that you are both in the "inner ring?"
http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407
Maybe see a counselor to kvetch for now and help you with your emotional management. To enable you to talk to her right now from a purely "Let's manage this together and solve problems" perspective so you can get more of what you want?
REFRAMING HER BEHAVIORS
To me? It's not her choice to be non-monogamous that is the immediate problem. It is her behaviors toward her marriage right now that is the problem. Neglecting, defensive listening, not doing what you ask but at the same time, not suggesting alternatives she could be willing to do. In short -- she could ENGAGE, PARTICIPATE in the tending of the marriage.
Because being non-monogamous means tending to ALL her relationships. Her partners are not like books to put on a shelf and read whenever she happens to get around to it. Her partners are like tending plants. Put it on a shelf and neglect, when you come back the plant is sick or dead. It is not static -- it is a living thing. Where the book is still itself for the most part. It's not a living thing.
To me, relationships are living things. It's in the word -- RELATE. There has to be some back and forth action going on.
If she wants to have ALL her plants, in good shape? She tends to each a little bit in turn. Not pour all the sun and water on one plant. That's going to drown that one in time, and the other will be brown from neglect. Could giving her that analogy help her to see your perspective more?
EMPATHY FIRST?
Maybe you could ask her how YOU can help HER to tend right now. Is it hard for her to juggle two relationship? How can you make that easier for her? I know you want TLC too right now and it's hard to be pouring TLC for her from an empty cup.
But we manage to do it for our children. Sometimes we have to do it for our spouses or for our own self care if we want to pull out of a slumpy thing.
It can sound counterintuitive if you view it as (other partner is competition for her time) but if you are able to view it as ( she has a time management problem she needs help solving) perhaps that gives you distance enough to help her with it so you can help her clear that off her desk so you what YOU want next. (More time with her.)
Not every new hinge knows HOW to hinge well.
I do hope she wakes up and smells the coffee though -- neglecting you is a good way to let the marriage fizzle out. One cannot be married to a ghost and feel happy about it.
Galagirl
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I second thatI don't view talking to my boyfriend as any different than talking to female friend, but... Disappearing to have a two hour conversation when you have plans with your partner is rude no matter who is on the other end of the line
It is also a good example of how jealousy often gets all confused and convoluted with other needs. My experience is, that if I am content I can feel compersion, if not, I am jealous. For example if I have spent a day with my lover, I can feel joy when I see him kissing his wife, while a lot of time, when I am thirsty for physical intimacy, I get jealous (so the core is envy, but really, the sensation of my stomach pulling all together disguises it well, and there is usually anger directed at her). But really, they have a perfect right to kiss, so instead of getting all grumpy I try to ask for the intimacy I crave instead. Jealousy is really not about her, even if it feels like it.
In this case your unmet need/want=go out with your wife. So you get jealous. (If you were all immersed into a hobby, you wouldn't mind her 2-hours conversation.) If it really was a female friend, you would probably become increasingly impatient, but without the fear/envy/betrayal present, it wouldn't feel like jealousy.
I choose to not be involved at all.
I have been a member of one of this sites for some time now. The group is focused on the sexual excitement that men get from knowing that their wives have sex with other men. Since I do not get sexually excited by it, there is not much support on there for me.
It is exactly just that.
I look young for my age. We are both overweight, her more than me. While I do not last as long in bed as I used to, it seems to be more of an emotional connection, rather than sexual connection, that she is looking to fulfill.
Thanks for that different perspective, and the football analogy worked for me!
Good point.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Apologies if I'm out of line here... I know this isn't exactly relevant to your main concerns... But using polyamory as a way to cope with a midlife crisis just seems like a Very. Bad. Idea.
I can maybe see deciding to try swinging or casual sex as part of a midlife crisis... Kind of a "last chance to screw tons of hot people before I'm too old" type of thing. (Although "too old" is not a thing, I'll get back to that in a minute.) But if your wife is looking for emotional connections in addition to sex... As a way to feel young again... That just sounds like something that could go sideways in a hurry.
She's already doing some damage to your marriage by not managing her time and energy well. If she's honestly looking for an emotional connection but doesn't see herself still being nonmonagamous a year from now, well, that really sucks for her new boyfriend(s). There's also the potential for HER to get hurt pretty badly.
Younger guys who want sex with older married women are not a hard thing to find. In fact, I'm pretty sure men in their 20s and early 30s looking for older women to have sex with are consuming 90% of the Internet bandwidth When I was dating online, the vast majority of messages I received were from much younger men. Some of these guys are genuinely more attracted to older women and want a fwb/dating relationship. But lots of them are also just looking for no strings sex with women they see as easy to get. Sex with the older married woman requires a lot less hoop jumping than sex with a single woman their own age.
If your wife actually falls for one of these guys... I realize that we are ALL in danger of getting our hearts broken when it comes to dating, but if she's getting her sole validation about how attractive and desirable she is from these dudes, it could be very painful for her when things end.
If your wife really feels like she's having issues with getting older, that's something she needs to deal with. By realizing that she is awesome for who she is, not how old she is, or what she looks like. Not by screwing younger men. Just my unsolicited two cents.
I can maybe see deciding to try swinging or casual sex as part of a midlife crisis... Kind of a "last chance to screw tons of hot people before I'm too old" type of thing. (Although "too old" is not a thing, I'll get back to that in a minute.) But if your wife is looking for emotional connections in addition to sex... As a way to feel young again... That just sounds like something that could go sideways in a hurry.
She's already doing some damage to your marriage by not managing her time and energy well. If she's honestly looking for an emotional connection but doesn't see herself still being nonmonagamous a year from now, well, that really sucks for her new boyfriend(s). There's also the potential for HER to get hurt pretty badly.
Younger guys who want sex with older married women are not a hard thing to find. In fact, I'm pretty sure men in their 20s and early 30s looking for older women to have sex with are consuming 90% of the Internet bandwidth
When I was dating online, the vast majority of messages I received were from much younger men. Some of these guys are genuinely more attracted to older women and want a fwb/dating relationship. But lots of them are also just looking for no strings sex with women they see as easy to get. Sex with the older married woman requires a lot less hoop jumping than sex with a single woman their own age.If your wife actually falls for one of these guys...
I realize that we are ALL in danger of getting our hearts broken when it comes to dating, but if she's getting her sole validation about how attractive and desirable she is from these dudes, it could be very painful for her when things end. If your wife really feels like she's having issues with getting older, that's something she needs to deal with. By realizing that she is awesome for who she is, not how old she is, or what she looks like. Not by screwing younger men. Just my unsolicited two cents.
A man who is monogamous to a polyamorous wife isn't necessarily into the "hotwife" thing. Hubby isn't. He does enjoy knowing I fuck someone else, but it isn't so much being sexually aroused by knowing about the fucking; it's him being sexually aroused by how happy and confident *I* am, and that happiness and confidence comes partly from having another man who is sexually interested in me.
Mostly, Hubby's monogamous because he's found that emotionally, he can't handle the pressure and responsibilities of more than one romantic relationship. Sometimes he can barely handle *one*.
Mostly, Hubby's monogamous because he's found that emotionally, he can't handle the pressure and responsibilities of more than one romantic relationship. Sometimes he can barely handle *one*.
I wanted to lift that up because I missed it before and if you really don't want to be there then anything else is moot.
You are allowed to withdraw consent. You tried something, it does not float your boat like you thought. You can decide to stop doing it.
Don't give consent when you really are NOT consenting. You are trying to assuage guilt / regret by doing something you do not really want to do. That's not effective emotional management -- that's just adding on to your load.
http://metro.co.uk/2015/07/01/brill...xual-consent-means-in-everyday-terms-5274497/
Your wife can feel disappointed, but she can handle that. Her emotional management is part of her job.
You being HONEST about where you stand is part of your job. She cannot mind reader. Don't give false info. Give full info. Do your job.
Then she can figure out what she wants to do after that.
- Give up the want and stay with you because she values that more at this time.
- Or want to keep going because she values that want more at this time. She would have to pause long enough to break up with you so you can continue in your want to be free of all that.
- Or some other thing I cannot think of right now.
But at least then you are talking openly and honestly.
Galagirl
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I have suggested that she have casual sex for a brief period of time, but she says that would feel cheap and used if she did that.
I have already considered that she will fall hard when it ends, and I suspect that she will not want it to end after a year.If she's honestly looking for an emotional connection but doesn't see herself still being nonmonagamous a year from now, well, that really sucks for her new boyfriend(s). There's also the potential for HER to get hurt pretty badly.
If your wife actually falls for one of these guys...
I honestly wish that I could get to this point, but I do not see how it is possible.
Months, at best.
I have, even to the point that she has said that she feels as if I am giving her a script of what to say.
I wanted to lift that up because I missed it before and if you really don't want to be there then anything else is moot.
You are allowed to withdraw consent. You tried something, it does not float your boat like you thought. Stop doing it.
I feel as if your reply struck the right spot inside of me. Your reply is right on the mark, I can change my mind about consent without guilt. Thanks.