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Old 06-05-2010, 05:29 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Default Coming out to the household...

So we've had and seen discussion on coming out to family and friends, but what about other persons in the household?

My mom is living with us, helping around the house and with taking care of our little one. She will be very helpful when the addition comes and I personally don't know how well my sanity would hold if she wasn't around to help out.

With my seeking for potential relationships again/finally, we are coming up with a problem. We will eventually have to tell her as she will definitely start to wonder if I start spending a night away from home without Cajun...not to mention any dates I might have. I don't want to "make" Cajun sit around doing whatever away from home while I'm having fun with my bf so Mom doesn't find out. I could deal with doing this for a date or two, but if things start to get more serious...well, could cause problems.

I do want to be honest with her and tell her, and she did raise me to be open and honest and open minded about sex and relationships in general, but I'm afraid that in time, she has become less tolerant or at least more cynical. I could be totally wrong and just fearing and dreading telling her, good ol' anticipation.

Anyway, we need a good approach to use to initiate her to the idea. It's all so nerve wracking!
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Old 06-05-2010, 03:33 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Ummmmmmmmmmm...........

Tough proposition !

I don't see anyway out of this under the circumstances (her living with you) short of "radical honesty" ! Get a book or two in advance from the recommended lists we have on here and be prepared to offer her some reading material to understand your choices.
Like you say - if it were only an occasional thing you might be able to work around it. But even that doesn't 'feel good' and can flavor the relationships. Probably best to get it out on the table - assuming YOU GUYS are really committed to poly living.

GS
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Old 06-05-2010, 03:53 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Quote:
assuming YOU GUYS are really committed to poly living.
That's why we've waited this long to say anything. There just hasn't been a good reason to rock the boat. I'd hate to leave it to the "last minute" but I don't want to possibly upset her needlessly.

Cajun and I have had more talks recently about what we want and I am still interested in opening our relationship, preferably to a poly end. But even opening out relationship would need some explanation to her as if/when overnights ever happen, they would definitely need to be explained as I don't normally stay away overnight without Cajun.

Anyway, I do have copies of Ethical Slut and am already half way through Opening Up (got it Wednesday) plus she can check out Xeromag too.

Thanks GS.
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Old 06-06-2010, 02:24 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
.................
Cajun and I have had more talks recently about what we want and I am still interested in opening our relationship, preferably to a poly end. But even opening out relationship would need some explanation to her as if/when overnights ever happen, they would definitely need to be explained as I don't normally stay away overnight without Cajun.
Ohhhhhhhhhh !!! ???

So you haven't actually made the leap yet ? I assumed you had.

I might think a more relative conversation in that case might just start with something like a reference to some article you read in a paper, saw on TV etc and that intrigued you and made a lot of sense. Then you might follow up by saying you and Cajun have actually been talking about it and find that you both see some potential in it.

See what kind of reaction that brings etc.........

GS
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Old 06-06-2010, 07:19 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Our first attempt at opening kinda went bust (see my other threads). The bonus with that was that Elric and I had been friends for a long time so staying at a hotel 400 miles away while I helped my friend go through some tough times wasn't too much of a stretch.

That is a good idea though. I did bring up an article about Tilda Swinson who is in an unusual familial setup but didn't get much of a reaction. I suppose we will have to try something more direct. bleh.
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Old 06-06-2010, 08:30 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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The best suggestion I can give is not to worry too much about 'potential reactions' and all the 'what ifs'. You've decided what you want your relationships to look like, be as confident and sure as you can be and explain that you aren't looking for a debate or looking for advice from those you are telling. In my own experience, coming out has tremendous highs and lows and there can be a fine line between explaining it and defending it. The decision to share it with friends, family, co-workers, etc. is a big one. Be prepared for some initial shock, but those who truly love and accept you will at least want to try and understand and support you. You may have to take a step back from those who are intolerant, but hopefully those people come around. For those that do love and support you, surround yourself with them and they will help you through it <3
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Old 06-07-2010, 05:25 AM
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Thanks BL, I like what you say about it not being a debate, but just telling a decision.

We are already working on a "never know" list which unfortunately, at present, include basically all of Cajun's family. It's hard, but considering his parents never really approved of me, something like this would just send them into hysterics and I won't expose our children to that.

For us, it's more of a "need to know" type of situation. My mom would need to know. Other than that, we will deal with each person in our life individually as to whether or not it may affect them in some way.
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:01 PM
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FWIW my husband and I are not yet poly and we still mange to travel and vacation away from home without each other.

I go with girl friends (non sexual ones) or he goes with his racing buddies...

just because a married person is not home in the same bed with their spouse does not mean they are with another partner.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:03 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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oh coming out, such a tough one... you already know my story Vandalin; good to see you here btw you can find it again on my blog... I wish you the best of luck and don't envy being in that boat again.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:15 PM
neohio44122 neohio44122 is offline
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I wouldn't do it, not with young kids. You run the risk of your kids being taken away. Google Kendra Holliday and see what happened to her when she came out of the closet. But then again she came out to the whole community.

We are debating coming out, our youngest is 18 and is a senior in high school. We are more out in the open now, but we don't announce it. If some asked who is G, we just say a friend. If my daughter ask where is mommy, I answer she is spending the night over a friend house.
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