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  #11  
Old 06-01-2010, 11:35 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
Now....I understand that no one can make me do anything...including compromising. At the same time I'm not clear on how relationship dynamics work in polyamorous relationships. I realize they can vary, as can monogamous relationships, but I've been exposed to far more examples of monogamy than polyamory. I want to be "fair" and "reasonable". But I don't want to feel like I'm the one doing most of the compromising.
Well, I'm pretty new to polyamory myself, but I did want to comment on this point. You are absolutely right that the dynamics can vary greatly, and that communication amongst the various people is ideal. As for fair and reasonable, those are so subjective. There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting your wishes be known and moving on from there.

Christie

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-02-2010 at 12:04 AM. Reason: quote formatting
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  #12  
Old 06-06-2010, 10:19 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
2> Two references in one post about 'compromise' - and fear of it. Does that call out anything to you ? Maybe some competitive/comparison element ?
I'm always confused by this notion of one person making all the compromises. The very definition of compromise requires that both people participate and meet part way. If it's one-sided, then that's more like sacrifice.
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Old 06-06-2010, 11:47 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I'm always confused by this notion of one person making all the compromises. The very definition of compromise requires that both people participate and meet part way. If it's one-sided, then that's more like sacrifice.
Quite right .

My then three year old son taught me the art of compromise! He had a favorite pair of footie PJ's which I pretty much had to fight him OUT of in order to wash. He even wanted to wear them out and about, to day care, etc. Finally the light bulb went on in my brain. It was the dead of winter, they were fuzzy and warm, what's an extra layer when the temp is -20C????? It's extra warmth! We compromised--he could wear the footies as long as he wore street clothes over top. We both won. I had a happy child and he got to wear his favorite clothing AND he was warm!
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Old 06-06-2010, 06:40 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Breathesgirl, to me that sounds like finding a win-win solution rather than it being a compromise. A compromise to me is when someone or both parties have to give up something that they value in order to reach an agreement. It sounds like you found a solution where neither side had to really give up anything they cared about.

I'm not just nit-picking, here - I think that searching for that win-win should be the first priority when it comes to finding solutions to an issue. Compromise should only happen if and when no win-win can be found.
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  #15  
Old 06-06-2010, 08:28 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Excellent point, CDM.

Our most recent, and rather huge, compromise was the purchase of an RV for my husband to live in while he's at work.

I wanted to save money and get something we could afford from just our "spendable savings."

He wanted to get something huge with every comfort of home, but would require us to take out a loan.

We compromised by getting something we could afford from our savings + our emergency money, with the notion that if we had an emergency, we could use our line of credit at that point. It was smaller and older than what he wanted, but met his needs, and was more within our budget.

p.s. that's a really cute pj story
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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