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Old 06-05-2010, 06:08 PM
Discovery Discovery is offline
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Default Trying out a new lifestyle...

in need of a little bit of assurance or opinions or SOMETHING, we're just grabbing in the dark right now.

My fiance and I are getting married in 2 months. We have an almost 1.5 yr old son. I am completely head over heals for him, and want to be with him forever regardless of anything else and it's obvious he feels the same. Our relationship is stable and there's no... issues that are making me try to search out a "replacement"...

I have been extremely homesick lately. Getting married at just 21, having relocated 3 years ago for college but stuck around year-round to be with my fiance and have our child is all a bit much to handle. I'm 3 hrs away from home and rarely get to visit. The past months I have gone down every week or every 2 weeks. One of these visits I found myself struck by another male. The thought was extremely scary to me... In every relationship I've had, I've had feelings for other people and the hardest part is repressing them. I've always had an inkling that I am not a monogamous person but with this recent connection with a friend, I have pretty much cemented it.
The depression I began feeling with my homesickness and not being able to spend all of my time in the place I feel happiest, coupled with the effort of trying to remain "good" to my fiance and hold back my feelings for my friend just sent me into a spiral. I stopped treating my fiance right - I began yelling at him and snapping very easily. I think subconsciously I was trying to scare him. I was returning to the easy way out... as if I were a 15 year old teenager again... treat them bad and they'll run away, then the decision is no longer yours.
He wouldn't accept this and we tried to communicate better. We began to get things worked out and I was feeling totally mixed up. I've never been more sure about a single person in my life - I love my fiance and marriage and raising a family is the best thing for us. So why can I have feelings for other people??

One night, I became a little drunk with my female best friend... I began texting my fiance that he should "get a girlfriend".. I masked it as a sexual fantasy of mine when in reality, I think I would only feel good about a polyamorous lifestyle if I felt that he was out meeting people and was able to form connections with other people as well. I would hate for it to be one-sided and I would NEVER want him to feel bad. When he got home, the night somehow progressed into a threesome with my best friend. He described it as very "eye-opening" and said that it cemented his desire to be with me forever. The next day, while sober, we discussed it again. We basically came to an agreement to have an "open relationship". I told him I am 100% okay with him meeting people and I think that repressing your human desires towards other people will just strain us more. I thin khe is beginning to understand that I have feelings for someone else (not that I was "cheating" on him, as all it is is an emotional thing and a sexual attraction. iw ould not move forward without his support).

We spoke again two nights ago and we discussed my upcoming trip home, he said I "better get laid" while I was there, it was obviously a joke but the way he said it surprised me. There was no jealousy or anything. He even brought up me having sex with another male during our own relations... and seem legitimately excited by the idea.

The thing that troubles me, though, is that he said it would be a while before he's "ready" to meet other females and I wonder if he's saying this because he fears I will be jealous or if he really means it. I don't want to jump in with two feet and strike up a secondary relationship with my friend (even though we've discussed it and the friend is okay with my lifestyle choice and is willing and very wanting to be in a relationship with me) if it's going to be one-sided and he's going to realize he IS jealous and then we will forever have a stain on our relationship... because regardless of what happens with other people, my fiance is certainly the definitive one for me and at the end of the day, it will be his bed I am sharing and OUR life that matters.

He has put two stipulations on it... if I bring home any STDs or become pregnant by another man, our relationship is over. Obviously these are things I wish to avoid as well. The only man I want to have a family with is the one I already do.

Last night I was in the ER for an advanced strep case and my 'friend' was texting me. He called me "babe" (which is just what he does to everyone, so it wasn't even indicative of our possible relationship) and my fiance asked if he was my "boyfriend"... I don't know that I would use that word so I laughed it off and said "Not yet, and not if that's a problem!" and he was just like "whatever" and shrugged it off.. for the first time I couldn't read him, so I don't know if it was just a defense to keep me happy or if he was truly trying to show me he is okay with my decisions.

Sorry for the novel... I just am looking for some input. Does it seem like we have our heads on straight or are we just yougn and looking for a "way out"? Should I approach this differently? Does it sound like (if any males wish to weigh in) my fiance is ACTUALLY on board???
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  #2  
Old 06-05-2010, 06:46 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Just on the face of things....

You say you're feeling overwhelmed by your life situation. You feel isolated from home, have a baby, have an impending wedding, and all that. From my point of view, that's not a good time to toss in additional major changes--which are sources of stress--to your situation. When one considers that your response to being stressed initially was less-than-healthy, adding more stress to your situation becomes less appealing.

I'll recommend slowing down. Figure out how to handle the stress you have and deal with those issues prior to adding the demands of new relationships. It'll also give you some time to wrap your head around what engaging in multiple relationships is likely to be like and how it will affect your lives.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-06-2010, 01:03 AM
Discovery Discovery is offline
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Well, the point of bringing up the homesickness, etc. was to put emphasis on the fact that we have begun communicating better than ever, not to make it sound like we are in a stressful situation. Ever since we opened up the lines of communication in this way, our relationship has been more solid than ever. However, I do understand what you're saying. I just feel as if he is giving me the opportunity to lead the lifestyle I have always been intrigued by and always wanted to lead but I can't tell if it's truly sincere on his part.
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Old 06-07-2010, 06:55 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think I would just wait this out for now and enjoy the playfulness and "better than ever" part. You have a lot going on and a young child. There is no rush, you are marrying for the rest of your lives right? So, take it slow and deal with what is going on now in life... when a time comes that life is more settled than maybe re-addressing will seem like a good idea.
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Old 06-07-2010, 02:57 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default In the event you decide not to 'wait'.....

...While waiting would be the right choice, usually people have a hard time following that advice.

Learning to wait, and see the bigger picture tends to be done by those who have a history of making the mistake and learning the lesson. Unfortunately it seems to be one of those things about life. We know better, but sometimes our emotions rule us. Especially when we are younger, OR it is our first time.

So much like the talk about 'sex', instead of promoting abstinence, I will promote 'safer' poly play.

So,...in the event you choose not to wait : This guy that you feel feelings towards. Is this very person-specific, or do you believe that you have the potential to find someone closer to home ?

Have you talked with your fiance about 'distance' ? Some spouses prefer that their partner have relationships far away from home, and some spouses prefer it to be as close to home as possible for safetys' sake.

Have that talk with your fiance. Find out his comfort level.

Have many talks about various scenarios with your fiance. You will find while your love with him is young, that will dictate how your secondary relationships will also go. You may find that there will be a lot of 'rules' with your secondary. Do any future secondary a favour, by making sure that your fiance and you, agree that rules are there for safety in the beginning. BUT that rules need to grow and change as the relationship grows and proves itself. I see many poly relationships end, due to the stringent rules that have no bend or give.

For example : He has told you that a STD or a unplanned pregnancy will call the relationship off. Those types of concrete comments, are very much a part of a new love. The longer a relationship goes, and the more history you have, the more unconditional love tends to become. Not always, but many times.

This also happens in secondary relationships. Be aware of the fact that you might find yourself struggling to keep up with the demands of a baby, and both a primary and secondary partner that are changing and demanding of you, all at the same time.

This will definetly cause a sense of overwhelming feelings. If you find while this happens, that you are 'looking' for someone new to take the edge off,...please recognize a pattern starting to develop, and take a long hard look at your feelings of polyamory.

As for your actual question. I think many males find the idea of the sexual side, easier to handle at first. As time and experience goes by, they open up to SLOW signs that emotional involvement is ok, and won`t damage their current relationship. How slow that goes ? Is a personal thing, depending on the people involved.

Expect him to give conflicting comments. His own feelings are probably very conflicted. I think by the sounds of things, he is already giving you exactly what he is and feels. Some days he likes the ideas, other days he is scared by it. There will be times of jealousy and pain, and times where he encourages you.

It is a rollercoaster, plain and simple.

Stay open,stay honest, and don`t do anything with anyone new, out of a reaction to stress.

Keep it real, and look after yourself.
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  #6  
Old 06-07-2010, 04:52 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Discovery View Post
My fiance and I are getting married in 2 months. We have an almost 1.5 yr old son. I am completely head over heals for him, and want to be with him forever regardless of anything else and it's obvious he feels the same. Our relationship is stable and there's no... issues that are making me try to search out a "replacement"...
Thats a good thing. A solid foundation is key

Quote:
The depression I began feeling with my homesickness and not being able to spend all of my time in the place I feel happiest, coupled with the effort of trying to remain "good" to my fiance and hold back my feelings for my friend just sent me into a spiral. I stopped treating my fiance right - I began yelling at him and snapping very easily. I think subconsciously I was trying to scare him. I was returning to the easy way out... as if I were a 15 year old teenager again... treat them bad and they'll run away, then the decision is no longer yours.
He wouldn't accept this and we tried to communicate better. We began to get things worked out and I was feeling totally mixed up. I've never been more sure about a single person in my life - I love my fiance and marriage and raising a family is the best thing for us. So why can I have feelings for other people??
That does sound like poly to me. You have the ability to care for others. Love is an end result of that caring. ...

My only potential concern would be displaced emotion. Your homesickness being fixed by NRE or relationships. Make sure all of that sadness and depression is dealt with and not just buried by the intoxication of new emotions....

Quote:
One night, I became a little drunk with my female best friend... I began texting my fiance that he should "get a girlfriend".. I masked it as a sexual fantasy of mine when in reality, I think I would only feel good about a polyamorous lifestyle if I felt that he was out meeting people and was able to form connections with other people as well. I would hate for it to be one-sided and I would NEVER want him to feel bad. When he got home, the night somehow progressed into a threesome with my best friend. He described it as very "eye-opening" and said that it cemented his desire to be with me forever. The next day, while sober, we discussed it again. We basically came to an agreement to have an "open relationship". I told him I am 100% okay with him meeting people and I think that repressing your human desires towards other people will just strain us more. I thin khe is beginning to understand that I have feelings for someone else (not that I was "cheating" on him, as all it is is an emotional thing and a sexual attraction. iw ould not move forward without his support).
Communication is good . Very good.

Quote:
The thing that troubles me, though, is that he said it would be a while before he's "ready" to meet other females and I wonder if he's saying this because he fears I will be jealous or if he really means it. I don't want to jump in with two feet and strike up a secondary relationship with my friend (even though we've discussed it and the friend is okay with my lifestyle choice and is willing and very wanting to be in a relationship with me) if it's going to be one-sided and he's going to realize he IS jealous and then we will forever have a stain on our relationship... because regardless of what happens with other people, my fiance is certainly the definitive one for me and at the end of the day, it will be his bed I am sharing and OUR life that matters.
hmmm...he could simply be saying it because it is true. My wife and I have been open for 10 years. Most of those years did not include loving anyone but each other. While open she never once looked for anyone. There are two types of people. Those who wait and those who try. I don't know which works better, but trust in what your fiance says. If he isn't ready, believe that he isn't

Jealousy, once it hits, can be dealt with. If he expects to NOT be jealous, he may get a big kick where it hurts. He should realize it will likely happen and be prepared to deal with it.

Quote:
He has put two stipulations on it... if I bring home any STDs or become pregnant by another man, our relationship is over. Obviously these are things I wish to avoid as well. The only man I want to have a family with is the one I already do.
As far as rules go, those are pretty fair. both imply a requirement for safe sex. Which should be a requirement anyways.

Good luck, I wish I had realized all of this about myself when I was in my 20s. I was open but didn't realize just how awesome it could be, so never pursued anything...that was a mistake for me. I think if I had better started this journey then I would be... well who knows.
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