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  #11  
Old 06-05-2010, 05:09 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Thumbs down "Lowering" oneself?

So... I had some sympathy for your partner. Like, if I realise someone I'm dating has crappy taste in boyfriends, that would totally make me wonder about myself and the relationship.

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Originally Posted by Emaretta View Post
he can't live with knowing he's going to share him with me b/c he loves me too much to see me lower myself. So he says as long as I talk to my secondary he wants nothing to do with me.
After reading this, however, my impulse is to say that this is a really messed up way of thinking about relationships. Even beyond whatever poly- issues are going on, the idea that someone "lowers" themselves by getting closer to someone else is troubling enough that I would wonder what I was doing with someone who thinks this way.
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  #12  
Old 06-05-2010, 05:24 AM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
So... I had some sympathy for your partner. Like, if I realise someone I'm dating has crappy taste in boyfriends, that would totally make me wonder about myself and the relationship.



After reading this, however, my impulse is to say that this is a really messed up way of thinking about relationships. Even beyond whatever poly- issues are going on, the idea that someone "lowers" themselves by getting closer to someone else is troubling enough that I would wonder what I was doing with someone who thinks this way.
yes, i did tell him that if this other person makes me happy who is he to tell me who's worthy of me or good for me. He likes to say how he's put in so much work and effort in the past 2.5 years to try to make it work with me, then this guy waltz's right in and doesn't deserve me...only my primary does. This enrages me whenever he bring this up...it just re-inforces his possession with me and that i'm some prize to be fought over and won...
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  #13  
Old 06-05-2010, 05:30 AM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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yeah so my primary says he's totally open to exploring my poly views, but my secondary can go F himself. I was like but don't you understand if you understood the poly views you wouldn't be harboring such hate and animosity?

Last edited by Emaretta; 06-05-2010 at 05:33 AM.
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  #14  
Old 06-05-2010, 02:36 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Emaretta,

I think the other posters have likely pinned it pretty well. First impression would be that there is a swelled ego in place there mixed in with the fear from jealousy. And that may sum it all up pretty well.

However.............

And I have been in this situation as well as seen it from a distance........

You may want to detach emotionally from his statements about you being 'beneath' some person - i.e. them not being worthy of you. Play the role and just say - ' ok - and if that is correct - what do you (or others) see that maybe I'm missing. Make NO assumptions of accuracy going into this - just be open minded and try to discover what this other perspective may be.

Here's why.

I have seen where an attraction/fascination with someone new and often radically different than ourselves has a powerful draw. Couple that with a dose of NRE once the connection becomes real and you have a real setting for reality blindness. And sometimes it takes an independent bystander to see some of the warning signs that we can't because of our blindness.
It's a hot, new fast car headed hell bent for the red light !

So I like to quietly acknowledge any caution flag raised. Take a breath and try to look honestly and discover if there's anything legit to be concerned about. It's not an easy task if you're buried in NRE but it's a worthwhile one. And a good skill to have for the future.

Likely - nothing there. But still wise to take an unbiased look.

GS
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  #15  
Old 06-05-2010, 03:28 PM
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girlcaleb girlcaleb is offline
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Originally Posted by Emaretta View Post
But my primary is saying how he sees this guy as "below" him and that i'm so out of his league and it's embarrassing to him knowing he's sharing me with this low-life. My primary swears he will totally consider an open relationship if we can have a clean slate and i get rid of this other guy and we can start fresh.

I had a somewhat similar problem with my ex a few years ago... I wanted a poly life. He said he was okay with it. For years I waited in vain. My ex kept saying that it wasn't the right time and we need to find someone new that he liked. The problem with my ex was he didn't like anyone... no matter how great or attractive they were. I found out later that he was using it as an excuse to keep me from going out and meeting new people. We lived in Seattle for a while and there was an awesome poly meet up group.. nothing nasty or shady at all. It was set up for young and old.. families w/ kids and just random people. They would have potlucks and talk about poly life issues and also just sit around drinking coffee and having a good time. I tried to get my guy to go to a meeting with me. He never would... he said the people were all freaks and he didn't trust them. When I told him I would go alone he would freak out and say that we were supposed to be "in this together"... I couldn't win. I ended up breaking up with him. He never wanted anything to do with any man (or woman) I met and was into... even if I didn't like them in a special way. He would complain about them saying that even if I were friends with them it would grow into more... and he told me not to see them again or he would just get really moody and mad if I hung with them. I'm not saying this is what your guy is doing... but make sure you talk with him and try to find out if he really wants the poly life w/ you... or if he is just saying he does so you won't leave him. I hope he just doesn't like this one guy... as bad as sounds... but at least then you know you CAN find another partner if you want to.
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  #16  
Old 06-05-2010, 03:40 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emaretta View Post
It's not that he feels threatened, he seems him as embarrassing and below him and myself and he can't live with knowing he's going to share him with me b/c he loves me too much to see me lower myself. So he says as long as I talk to my secondary he wants nothing to do with me.
hmmm Something else to consider, I can see this as a little reversal. Your primary thinks he is good enough for you, he thinks the secondary isn't. By choosing the secondary he doesn't like or think is up to par, you are in a way reducing his value.

Look at it this way

girl 1 - physically hot, beautiful
Boy - is the poly fulcrum
girl 2 - not traditionally beautiful, smart, witty and holds up to conversation

Boy likes girl 2, but girl 1 automatically takes his interest in a less beautiful girl as a slight to her...

Just something to consider. It may not be beauty, it could be brains, kind whatever.
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  #17  
Old 06-05-2010, 05:50 PM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi Emaretta,

You may want to detach emotionally from his statements about you being 'beneath' some person - i.e. them not being worthy of you. Play the role and just say - ' ok - and if that is correct - what do you (or others) see that maybe I'm missing. Make NO assumptions of accuracy going into this - just be open minded and try to discover what this other perspective may be.

GS
well i could try that but I feel my primary has all the reason in the world to lie about my secondary to make him seem like a douchebag when he isn't. When my primary first told me of something my secondary had done I immediately believed him and went back to confront my secondary. Well he was completely shocked at this and flat out denied any wrong doing and the way the situation was, it made absolutely no sense for my secondary to lie about this. When i went back to my primary asking for the "evidence" he could not provide it. Then when i asked him to reveal who told him the information he refused to reveal any sources. I would think if you busted someone you hate red-handed, you would provide all the evidence in the world to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt what happened. And i know my primary already has the disposition to exagerate stories and flat out lie about stupid things. He also was trying to make me choose between them by saying if i couldn't believe him on his word, then i must be taking my secondary's side. All i said was, give me evidence, or tell me who you spoke to and i will never speak to my secondary again...yet my primary never could do either and since then i've mistrusted anything he said about him.

On another occassion he said how at a party my secondary got drunk and was running his mouth about flirting with me (no one knows i'm in this type of relationship so that would be very harmful if he did so), HOWEVER, before my primary even told me this, I had talked to my secondary who had said the party sucked b/c all the beers he brought in his cooler where gone and he only had one PLUS he was the designated driver that night! And this was just casual conversation. Then i hear my primary saying how he heard from someone there that he was drunk and running his mouth? So, a lot of things my primary says about him, i just have a hard time believing. Plus my secondary knows to respect my privacy in this matter and if it ever got back to me that he had been telling people my personal business, i would cease to see him. So it's really hard for me to listen to my primary go on and on about all these issues with my secondary when i really think he's just saying them to make him look like a villian...and i think at this point, he honestly believes the lies himself. He's brainwashed himself into thinking what a horrible man he his and just refuses to look at him with new eyes.
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  #18  
Old 06-05-2010, 05:54 PM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
hmmm Something else to consider, I can see this as a little reversal. Your primary thinks he is good enough for you, he thinks the secondary isn't. By choosing the secondary he doesn't like or think is up to par, you are in a way reducing his value.

Look at it this way

girl 1 - physically hot, beautiful
Boy - is the poly fulcrum
girl 2 - not traditionally beautiful, smart, witty and holds up to conversation

Boy likes girl 2, but girl 1 automatically takes his interest in a less beautiful girl as a slight to her...

Just something to consider. It may not be beauty, it could be brains, kind whatever.
yes i think that is true...he sees him self associated with my secondary hence he feels lowered to his level and grouped in with his crowd. Yes they are very different, buy my secondary is not a bum

Last edited by Emaretta; 06-10-2010 at 04:53 AM.
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  #19  
Old 06-05-2010, 05:59 PM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Originally Posted by girlcaleb View Post
I found out later that he was using it as an excuse to keep me from going out and meeting new people.
yeah i'm worried of that too. Especially since I think his negative opinions of my secondary are founded in jealousy so why would anyone else be any different? And when I say, ok, let's stay i stop talking to my secondary...and let's say I meet someone next week...then what? And my primary just says well that isn't going to happen...not a good answer i think...

I have a friend who lives in seattle actually that has sent me to their online forum lol
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  #20  
Old 06-05-2010, 07:00 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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That suggests raging feelings of inadequacy on part of your primary. The secondary is in a secure position while the primary is not, leading to feeling inadequate to the "challenge" posed to your affections--yeah, it appears he views you as an object, rather than as a person.

The whole "secondary is beneath you" line seems to be a projection. The primary is worried that he, himself, is beneath you and the secondary provides you with a choice that is superior--having stable employment and able to offer security. So he presents the situation as being reversed in the hopes that you won't notice his inferior position in economic terms.

That ties back into his notion that you're an object to be won--that you can be had just by the economic investment made/offered. It's a backwards, old-fashioned view that, sadly, has yet to die out.

The whole "clean slate" deal may simply be an effort to buy time until he's working again and feels able to compete to buy your love.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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