Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 04-13-2010, 11:09 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 539
Default

Good Stuff Redpepper !!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-17-2010, 12:34 AM
nicraq nicraq is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: ireland
Posts: 17
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
In the communication workshop I hosted last night the facilitator talked about something similar to what I have written here. She spoke a lot about how needs are at the root of all communication and that needs are always the positive. If we find the *need* in each other and go from there then we will be allowed to be vulnerable to each other and help each other reach our goal of meeting our needs. Which brings us closer together and makes us all connected. She said that all human beings in her belief want to give and be useful and helpful. Its one of the most universal and basic needs. Therefore we deeply need to find ways to connect through helping fulfill our needs and others.

Unfortunately we get caught up in our practice of diagnosing others, judging (which is really a guise for a need not being met), demanding from others and blaming others for our interpretation of what has happened in our lives, not for what actually has happened (the bare none facts). All these things keep us from looking at and living in what we need and working towards getting it. If we start really thinking every moment what our needs are and being interested in other peoples needs then our connections and communication would make our lives more joyous. Also a need. The need for joy.

She talked about relationships being a series of saying *please* and *thank you* to each other. Similar to my idea about being a good *guest* in each others lives and a good *host* to others in ours. I see how saying please help me with my need to be loved, respected, independant, to be help you etc. And thank you for helping me with my need to be cared for, be listened to, be able to care for you.

I'm still mulling it all over in my head. There is so much to process in it all. I find it so exciting!

Many of the books that are listed in our forum book section she quoted from or used the theory from not just Dr. Marshall Rosenbergs book, "non violent communication."
Hi Redpepper et al,
first time on this site-great to see genuine discussion!
Yep I too really like your host/guest analogy BUT I think there's a shadow side to our 'universal need for connection' (belonging/love) which is our equally basic need for separation (freedom/hate) I believe this has to be acknowledged and allowed to be creatively expressed (somehow...) in any honest and satisfying relationship. Whatever boundaries we set ourselves part of us wants to break them, what do you think? X
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-17-2010, 06:24 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 539
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicraq View Post
Yep I too really like your host/guest analogy BUT I think there's a shadow side to our 'universal need for connection' (belonging/love) which is our equally basic need for separation (freedom/hate) I believe this has to be acknowledged and allowed to be creatively expressed (somehow...) in any honest and satisfying relationship. Whatever boundaries we set ourselves part of us wants to break them, what do you think? X
Welcome nicraq !! I agree that the shadow is real and something to be acknowledged. As with anything worth pursuing, balance is the key. The awareness of conflicting values within myself (security/freedom) is at the core of my decision to life a poly lifestyle. For me, this conflict has to be consciously dealt with.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:47 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

I think this level of giving, in terms of being a good host/guest, is why we are able to achieve compersion in our relationships.... Mono posted this today on his facebook and I felt the need to repeat it here.

"Compersion hinges on genuine concern for people and acceptance for what they have. You can fake being nice to someone externally but you can't fake compersion because compersion is something that you feel internally. It is essentially an extension of your love through your partner into their partner. When you do that t...here is only fulfillment and joy, not hurt and emptiness "

This essentially reminds me of the good host/guest idea...

anyone else have thoughts?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-05-2010, 04:54 AM
Emaretta's Avatar
Emaretta Emaretta is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 19
Default

great quote...there really is a release once you allow others their freedom. My secondary had someone visit him recently who he was interested in and it was my first time letting someone else be free...and yes it was awkward for me, but not to the point where i was hurt. After that person went back home, it was a weird positive sense of closeness and contentment. Usually seeing other people ends a relationship, but when that fear is gone, it feels so good to be free and know you can enjoy others and not lose the person you are interested in as well. And it's nice not to feel that control over yourself as well. You're not controlled by another person, nor are you controlled by your negative emotions.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
communication, relationship, relationships

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:55 PM.