new problem...

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by SayYes

What's done is done, but in the future I personally would wait until checking with your guy before making contact with a girl he's interested in. I know everyone has a slightly different dynamic in that regard, but I know it would bug me if my husband contacted my boyfriend without talking to me about it first. Of course, if he did talk to me and say he wanted to do that, I would be 100% okay with it. But it would honestly make me a little uncomfortable to not be told about it beforehand.

I do see this, but I also think it is important to recognize intention and it seems clear from the OP that her intentions were good. It's a live and learn thing. I can't tell you how many times of late I've "screwed up" despite the best of intentions. This is a new situation, so I also think it's important for everyone involved to recognize that and try to understand.

I myself am learning so much about this from a potential tertiary--he has been communicating with my husband and I and really laying out the areas where communication is needed. He and his wife have had an open marriage from the beginning, so A and I are grateful for his counsel.

It sounds to me as if you are still struggling with your so's desire to pursue a relationship with this woman, and those feelings need to be recognized and given space, or they will come back. I'm speaking from experience here!

I wish you the best of luck as you navigate this new territory!

Christie

[girlcaleb]

Thanks Christie... It is new... not totally new because I knew all about her... but new in the fact that I did not understand how much he liked her... it caught me be surprise... and that's where the small bits of jealousy came from... at the same time this is the same girl him and I have been talking about and crushing on for the past year. Him more than me of course... it's funny. I would sometimes flirt with her through him. He would start talking about her and I'd always add my two cents.. I am very attracted to her. I have not been with a woman in my adult life so I am very pleased that he has chosen someone that I can be sexually attracted to... not just in a friendly way. It sounds selfish...lol

I honestly would love to have her be a part of our relationship... but as I said before they are still just trying to figure out what they want from each other... not me... yet

Me and my guy do talk about this often. I let him know that I would welcome her with open arms... he just needs to give me the green light when and if they are ready.

I do have a small update:

last night we were talking and he told me he is having a hard time trying not to overwhelm her... he wants to talk to her online and w/ text constantly but he doesn't want to be too much for her. I told him that I have had this problem before with my young male friend. I also told him that it will get easier with time. My guy and his new girl were so used to having constant contact. He... let's just say, worked very close with her on a daily basis for the past year. Now that school is out she is far away... so he has to get used to it. This is something I'm happy about... not that she is far away but for the reason that this is something I can teach him.lol

I have dealt with this more than him so it's nice that he listens to my advice about it. It makes me feel like I am actually a part of it and not just waiting around for them to figure themselves out (which I do feel like I am doing sometimes... but no complaints. I'd rather have them take their time if they really want to be together).

He was cute last night... he was like "I can't stop checking my mail...." then he'd make a sad face.... I just wanted to laugh and smother him in hugs... cheesy, I know.

Well, all is still well... I enjoy talking about her... I think it helps us both deal with her being far away.

oh, one more thing. I also told my guy that although I have already started crushing on her pretty hard myself, I need to hold back on developing any really feelings for her... she may not like me in that way and I don't want my feelings hurt. I can't help but be attracted to her... she is a true beauty.... she's smart, funny, not too girly but very cute and stylish... she also has a quality that makes me so comfortable. I have a thing... I like all types of women as far as how attractive they are and whatnot... but I love when my guy likes a girl that is like me... in the looks department. I think me and his new girl match... sounds silly. I'll try to explain it a bit more....let's see... she's "exotic"... for lack of a better word. I'm also "exoticc"... but I'm more "urban"....hahhhahah

I'm making myself laugh.

It sounds silly but I like the fact that I can see bits of myself in her physically... it's like he loves me so much he is now attracted to women that seem a bit like me... does anyone know what I'm talking about....? let's just say that if there were a Pocahontas casting call.... she would def. get the part and I would be cast as her understudy.... we look so much alike (to me) yet so different.... it's nice.

btw... did I warn you guys before about me being a total dork? :P

[groovy9]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Simple take on it. Its your right to want to meet and introduce yourself, its his right to want to do it in a way that makes him comfortable. Its done now, and trust what he says. But I would hope, if I started dating someone, that my wife would trust me to initiate the introduction.

This is one of those times where there's no right answer. I don't feel any qualms about initiating contact with one of Wifey's guys, but I work hard to keep it light and respectful. She gets that and doesn't seem to mind at all.

If she ever did mind, we'd meet in the middle somewhere.

I certainly wouldn't have a problem if Wifey initiated contact like girlcaleb did, with someone I was interested in. After all, one reason I married her is because she's both a reasonable and thoughtful person. If my new love interest had a problem with said contact, I'd have a problem with HER, not Wifey.

[girlcaleb]

Originally Posted by groovy9

If my new love interest had a problem with said contact, I'd have a problem with HER, not Wifey.

I like the way you think mister...lol

my guy is starting to understand why I did it... he knows I meant no harm...

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by groovy9

This is one of those times where there's no right answer. I don't feel any qualms about initiating contact with one of Wifey's guys, but I work hard to keep it light and respectful. She gets that and doesn't seem to mind at all.

I think for me, it might be an old school thing. But its polite to do introductions. I suppose with todays online world that may not always be reasonable.

I also tend to be very social so my wife always meets any interests that way (and visa versa). Introductions are made and interactions continue as they like.

I just found it weird that girlcaleb had to do that. Not that it was done.

ps GirlCaleb...I am really interested in how you got your name? Very interesting name. Bit of a geek especially for names and handles

[groovy9]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

I just found it weird that girlcaleb had to do that. Not that it was done.

I don't know if I'd call it weird. While I would prefer to know and be friendly with anyone who strikes Wifey's fancy, it might be presumptuous of me to assume they feel the same. I wouldn't necessarily be put off if she met someone who wasn't comfortable getting to know me, especially if it's someone who's new to the whole idea.

In practice, most of the guys Wifey talks to on OKCupid are new to the idea, so official introductions aren't necessarily automatic. So if there's a conversation I feel I need to have with him, I see no need to make both of them uncomfortable when I can just talk straight to him.

[girlcaleb]

So, randomness here... I'm up really late. My guy is asleep and his new girl is online... I'm having such a hard time. I really just want to talk to her... not about anything really... I just want to talk to someone and she's right there... but I told him I would not bother her... part of me wonders if she is feeling the same way right now. Maybe I should blog about it. hahahaha... it might make me feel better. I'm stuck in a nice hotel room. I'm at a convention and everyone is out drinking or asleep... blogging sounds like the best thing to do now... it will keep me out of trouble

[girlcaleb]

btw... my guy did introduce us... it was jsut at a busy party and he was not able to talk freely about us... all of his co workers were around and it's none of their business.... the new girl left town the next morning... so no time for the three of us to really talk. That's why I sent her an email.... part of me was kind of tired of waiting to make real contact with her... as I mentioned before.. I had know of her and seen her around for the past year...

oh, a question for more experienced folks... when your SO is crushing hard on a new person... is it normal for YOU to get this excited about it? I am still working on opening up and controlling my feelings but it seems as if over the past week I have replaced any feelings of jealously with infatuation. Is this normal? I hope I'm not coating my bad feelings with feelings of "like" or sexual attraction just to make it easier on myself... I want what I feel to be the real thing... I guess only time will tell.

[EugenePoet]

You sweet thing, you're probably feeling compersion -- that great empathic connection with your guy that makes you feel happy when you know he's feeling good. NRE trickledown: his twinkledust feeling from the new relationship is making you feel giggly too. It's great. It's healthy. Enjoy.