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  #11  
Old 05-27-2010, 02:38 PM
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Acroxander Acroxander is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I wanted to add that I think she is just new to all this . . . I suggest she do her own research, especially if she figures that what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
I totally agree with this sentiment.
Thanks, all for your help with my perspective!

I'll keep you posted.
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  #12  
Old 06-03-2010, 05:03 PM
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Wifey and I are in a situation where she's meeting the new people, while I'm not. It's kind of a long story, but the nutshell version is I have a "wife with other guys" kink, and she gets stir crazy as a full-time mom, she gets more out of friendships with guys than with gals, and she hasn't wrapped her mind around the idea to the point that she'd be comfortable with me seeing anyone.

Besides, although I'd have a blast dating again, I'm perfectly content being monogamous (forever, if that's how it works out.)

So my rambling point is that maybe you could ease her into it by pledging to remain monogamous while SHE dips her toe in the water. If she gets out a bit, has fun, and sees that not only does it not harm your relationship, but might even bring you closer, she might "see the light," so to speak. And if you approached it like a team, where you're choosing candidates and composing emails together (which is a blast IME), you increase the odds of having her complete participation later on.

Last edited by groovy9; 06-03-2010 at 05:08 PM.
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  #13  
Old 06-03-2010, 08:30 PM
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This raises a good question...
I feel that I couldn't do something like what groovy mentioned above because I would feel some injustice in the situation.
so...is that pride? or a legitimate personal issue?

I do believe in sacrifice. And I could see the above situation working only on a specific trial period, and only if I was given a pledge that she was working on being accepting of me being poly as well. It just seems too...idk, wrong.
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  #14  
Old 06-03-2010, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
This raises a good question...
I feel that I couldn't do something like what groovy mentioned above because I would feel some injustice in the situation.
so...is that pride? or a legitimate personal issue?

I do believe in sacrifice. And I could see the above situation working only on a specific trial period, and only if I was given a pledge that she was working on being accepting of me being poly as well. It just seems too...idk, wrong.
If you're the type that insists on keeping score, yeah, it won't fly. If you're the problem-solving type that can identify a logical means to an end, there's no need to keep score. Either it'll work or it won't, at which point you make a new plan.

In my personal case, the scenario with only Wifey dating is a net benefit to "team us" (vs straight monogamy), so it's absurd to get pissy about symmetry. Furthermore, if my also dating was a net harm to "team us", then fuck symmetry.

People are complicated. Do what works and stop keeping score.
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  #15  
Old 06-03-2010, 08:52 PM
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I guess that's my point...doesn't team "us" involve me(or you in your case) as well?

variables include A, B
-a wants poly
-b wants poly
-b is ok with a being poly
-a isn't ok with b being poly

In your scenario, a + b = AB
So how is that supposed to work out? You said you're a team, but then you say to F symmetry at the same time. Doesn't make sense to me
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  #16  
Old 06-03-2010, 09:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
I guess that's my point...doesn't team "us" involve me(or you in your case) as well?

variables include A, B
-a wants poly
-b wants poly
-b is ok with a being poly
-a isn't ok with b being poly

In your scenario, a + b = AB
So how is that supposed to work out? You said you're a team, but then you say to F symmetry at the same time. Doesn't make sense to me
Team "us" has a lot more to it than poly fairness.

Basically, say in scenario A, we're straight monogamous. And let's say we're each enjoying 50 units of overall happiness, as measured by our iPhone Happiness Meter app.

Now, in Scenario B, we're both poly. So now I'm up to 55 happiness units, but even though Wifey likes having boyfriends, my adventures stress her out in a big way, such that she's down to 44 units overall. Team "us" has just lost 1 unit of happiness.

So then there's scenario C, where Wifey's poly and I'm mono. I still benefit from Wifey's adventures (both directly via my "kink" and indirectly by her happiness and gratitude), so maybe I'm up to 52 units. And Wifey's a kid in a candy store up there at 54 units (maybe she would have been at 55 like I was, but she feels a little guilty about the asymmetry.)

By not keeping score, not only has team "us" gained 6 units of happiness, we're both individually happier than in scenario A, even though maybe I'm not as happy as I could theoretically be if I was willing to make Wifey less happy.

It's your basic no-brainer.

Last edited by groovy9; 06-03-2010 at 09:19 PM.
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  #17  
Old 06-03-2010, 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted by groovy9 View Post
... even though maybe I'm not as happy as I could theoretically be if I was willing to make Wifey less happy.
On second thought, that's not even possible. Once I realized Wifey was stressing, I wouldn't be happy about it any more. So it's either A (monogamy) or C (poly/mono). B isn't even an option.
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  #18  
Old 06-03-2010, 09:28 PM
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hahaha, i loved your analogies.

So what you're basically saying is that in your experience, issues are measured by a subjective qualitative value. Using your example scenarios B and C...

In scenario B where your total points = 100, you had 55, she had 44 happy points and your wife had 44 happiness points. Meaning that her stress is worth a -6 points. However by relieving the cause of her unhappiness, her points go up, and your points only go down -3 ~ -5 points.

This only makes sense in your specific frame of mind. What if you not being poly was making you equally as unhappy as her not being comfortable with you being poly. Do you get drift? I still don't see how it would work applied to a general relationship. And one of statements that you made was that it was a "no-brainer" and I completely disagree.
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  #19  
Old 06-03-2010, 09:42 PM
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our discussion/debate is unfair to the continuity of my buddy acroxander's thread. Let's continue it elsewhere :P
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  #20  
Old 06-03-2010, 09:57 PM
groovy9 groovy9 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
This only makes sense in your specific frame of mind.
Of course! Given our particular personalities and relationship dynamics, there is no benefit to poly "fairness" for us and maybe the OP could benefit from the same idea temporarily.
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