Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 07-22-2009, 07:00 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

Wow... this is a fun discussion!

Thanks RedPepper for the support. It feels great to stick up for yourself! I am going to keep this wave going as long as possible

I have always thought of the "friends with benefits" thing as a sexual relationship with someone without the intention of becoming more intimate emotionally - You (the proverbial you) could be good friends but never move into a romantic relationship even after a long period of time. This is possible for me to do for a short period of time, but after that I get bored and if I do not feel emotional intimacy for the person, or they do not feel it for me I end up feeling like the whole situation is hollow and pointless to continue.

I have no idea where this stems from. Like I said, I wish I could have "friends with benefits". I just don't think I am built for it. On top of that, I don't have any interest in trying to make those situations work for me... I do see the importance in treating significant others as close friends though. And I definitely do not have negative feelings towards anyone that does this... to each their own!
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-22-2009, 08:11 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

I think that quite often the FWB thing is a phase that either leads to a relationship, or not. I haven't seen it continue on in any kind of satisfying way.

Even my husbands best friend who is very mono and very much a player has become fed up with dating many women at once or just having casual sex. Trouble is for him is that he doesn't know how to do anything else and is stuck.

Yes, eventually it is boring and pointless. Sex is better anyway when there is depth of relationship there.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-22-2009, 11:17 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369
Default

Quote:
I think that quite often the FWB thing is a phase that either leads to a relationship, or not. I haven't seen it continue on in any kind of satisfying way.
Pretty much. Do keep in mind that hubby and I knew eachother for seven years before the benifits began. Unless you count the brief summer we dated in highschool.

redsiren, How is the relationship within your boundaries going?
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-22-2009, 11:48 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

Well, It has only been about a week since I agreed to "take him back". Thus far he has changed the status on his dating profile to "seeing someone" and we went out last night on a fancy dress up date in the city. We began some discussions about safe sex and are starting to understand our views about polyamory. There are still alot of discussions and thinking in the future, but it feels like we are on the same wavelength. I am about to put together a list of things I need to see from him (or anyone for that matter) in a romantic relationship. Writing helps me to solidify my thoughts and it will serve as a good reminder for how I feel about things before ( and if) any emotional disasters happen and I can't think straight. I am going to make the list contain deal-breakers, things I need, etc.

I am trying to give some time between discussions and allow things to flow naturally... I don't want to force discussions just to get to some predetermined end point. The way I see it, a relationship is more about the journey and not some destination. This is something I wish I had realized during the relationship with my now ex-husband. If we don't enjoy right now, what is the freaking point?!

One thing that I am thinking about a bit is that the other girl he visited a couple of months ago has feelings for him, and him for her. She is coming to visit again, and I am nervous... Now, he told her (before we became exclusive) that he was not ready for things to become romantic between them, and clarified this with her for the upcoming visit. I do not know her, however, and wonder what HER intentions are.

I am going to meet her and hang out with them and maybe this will help us all with the kind've awkward situation... I have never done this before, and even though this is not a poly situation necessarily, it is definitely beyond something I have done in a previous relationships (talked freely about attractions with other people).

Ack. I have told myself that the best thing to do is act in a way that is cordial and understanding and that I have nothing to fear... but I totally have butterflies in my stomach. I know for a FACT that it will still be too soon by the time she gets here for anything poly... with her or anyone else. I hope (I will call him "ouroboros") ouroboros is truly able to be patient - as absence of this skill is definitely a deal breaker.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-23-2009, 06:05 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
keep in mind that hubby and I knew eachother for seven years before the benifits began.
xyz123-see now to me this was an "intimate friends" situation, rather than "friends with benefits."

redsiren-it sounds like you are on a great path! It's so great that you are meeting your new partners lover as soon as you can. yes I can see how you would be nervous, but it is very commendable that you are feeling it and facing it.

keep at it girl! you are on a good path... if nothing else you will learn a whole lot and be stronger than ever and more determined to get what you need out of life.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-23-2009, 06:49 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

Thank you.
It is great to have feedback and support from people that have gone through this. Sometimes I feel so very lost!
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-24-2009, 03:11 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369
Default

Redpepper- I guess it's all just about labels and how we use them and what we're comfortable with. FWB didn't bother me, so FWB we were. What was most important to me was the focus on the fact we WERE FRIENDS.*shrug*

Redsiren- Good luck with the meeting. When I met N's other at the beginning of our relationship (before we went mono) I HATED the woman. She deserved it completely. I remember how nervous I was about it though and how hard it was to even think about, and we'd been together 4 months before I did and them on and off for a few years. You're braver than I.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:05 AM.