After the intro, elsewhere, some questions...

So. Now that I've introduced myself. A bit more. As I had said, I'm in a fairly new quad relationship, myself, my wife, and another couple. I love them all deeply, and in general am insanely happy.

However.

I travel on business. Extensively. How can I avoid the feelings of being alone, being lonely, being cut off from my family -- feeling abandoned --, when I know they are all together, and I'm 1k/2k/10k miles away, cuddling only a pillow? How do I let it not color my actions/reactions to them when we *do* interact? They tell me how much they're thinking of me, how much they love me, how much they can't wait until I'm home. And I believe them. Most certainly I do. But I still feel alone, I still feel lonely. I still have those damn annoying insecurities. And that shines through, sometimes, in how I interact with them when I am on the road. I would like to stop this. Any ideas? Any advice?

Hi CaptShade,

Honestly I think it is normal/natural to feel lonely when you are that far away from the ones that you love. The most you can do is look for things to keep you busy during the day, and then take a few sleep aids when you turn in at night.

Think of the glass as half full. Lots of people travel extensively but don't have anything to miss and come home to. Whereas you have three people to miss and come home to. That's a blessing.

I know I didn't offer much help, but I hope it'll help a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I am sorry you struggle.

I think even if not in a quad if a large part of your job is travel, you would be missing your people at home.

Is this a job thing that could change in time as you get promoted? Or would you want to change jobs entirely?

How do I let it not color my actions/reactions to them when we *do* interact?

Click to expand...

You are aware that you do it. You let your mood color your actions/reactions. That's the first step in changing the behavior.

I would examining what you think when you are away. Change some of your thinking behaviors. I think you could stop telling yourself that you are "cut off" and "abandoned." That ADDS rather than TAKE AWAY from the discomfort and the low mood.

• You are not cut off. You can call, Skype, email, text etc.
  
• You are not left behind and abandoned -- you went somewhere on a business trip.

Have you thought about what you need as "before care" and "after care" to help make these trips easier until enough time passes so they are no longer so uncomfortable? Maybe you need close connection before you leave with wife and when you get back? Or with another person in the quad? Or the whole quad?

Galagirl

Hey Cap,

Well, I can telling you from having been in a quad for the past 18 years and having just gotten home from being gone again for the past week, that these feelings will pass. I call home each night and stay connected but it's also good to have personal space for you. When quads are new you worry worry worry about what's going on when you aren't there and what you are missing and will I still fit in when I get home or will they have moved on without me. All that kinda crap gets in your head when you're not there. Once the love and trust really settles in and you know this is for LIFE, then being gone here or there won't feel like such a big deal. It still sucks being away from your house and a good pillow but HEY, that will always be the case.