A little help please...

[punkinbutt69]

I have been in this relationship for almost two years. I love him very much. But his wife and I dont get along very well. I try to make friends with her but she doesnt seem to want to be friends. I'm feeling very confused and torn because I love him so very much and can't imagine my life with out him. I often feel second best and that his love for me isnt what it should be. I spend alot of time crying and feel I have absolutely no one to talk to. I joined this forum to see what everyone else feels, and see if anyone might have any advice for me I will appreciate any comments I get.

[redpepper]

perhaps this whole poly thing isn't for her? In that case you've got a problem on your hands. You all do! That is tough, I can't imagine how that must make you feel to feel as if you are second fiddle.... I don't know if I would bother with it, but then I don't settle with anything! Life is too short to be feeling anything but the best you can and to do that, I expect the best and give my best every time.

I hope someone can shed more light than I with their own personal stories...

good luck dear... *hugs*

[Ceoli]

I'm going to offer a different perspective here. I apologize ahead of time if I ruffle some feathers, because I obviously don't know the nuances or the true picture of what's happening in this relationship. But so far, most of the replies I've seen have been coming from the perspective of couples and not not from the perspective of thirds. And what I've seen has ruffled my feathers quite a bit.

Here are some examples of what I read that indeed ruffled my feathers:

Originally Posted by vandalin

It also sounds like she may have felt she was intruding on you and your husbands relationship. Perhaps she wasn't ready to be an "equal".

Originally Posted by Quath

It is hard to overcome the social conditioning we are taught as we grow up. So all you can do is to try to work to get people to re-evaluate the things they were taught growing up and see if they can accept new ideas like triads.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

I hate to question everyone's motive, but perhaps she was not the person you and your husband thought she was or were in love with? Maybe the living alone was a convenient excuse to not totally immerse herself in the lifestyle? Maybe she was still finding herself, questioning herself and her ingrained upbringing and not ready to commit to the life forever.

Originally Posted by DestinyWaits

Mark I believe you are right on this one, the two of us have thought the same thing since she kept refusing to move in with us even though it had been almost a year.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Destiny....I think maybe the kicker was she had two kids....she probably didn't or couldn't come to grips with how to deal with this sitaution and her kids.

Originally Posted by redpepper

perhaps this whole poly thing isn't for her?

All of these seem to suggest that if the third is not fitting into the version of what the couple wants, it must be because she (or her approach or her ability to cope) is somehow flawed or coming from the wrong place or whatever.

All relationships (mono, poly, friendships, partnerships, family etc.) run by a pretty similar formula. People have needs that are or are not met in these relationships.

Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps this third's needs are different than the couple's and that's ok?

I'm currently dating a couple and am grateful for the enrichment and love we share, but I've been very clear about the fact that I'm not interested in moving in and being their "third" despite how equal they want me to be. This is because I have needs they can't meet. I know that I were to move in and join a couple as a triad, I would have to give up a heck of a lot more than they would. I want to build a life in partnership, start a family, etc. I would not get that opportunity with a couple as they have already done that. In addition, if I were to move in with a couple and marry into it, there will have been all sorts of decisions about the life we lead together that were already made long before I was ever in the picture, and I would never get to be a part of such things, no matter how hard the couple tries to make me "equal". Well, that's simply not what I want. Thankfully the couple I'm dating has been understanding of where I am and so we are able to let our relationship grow into what's right for the relationship, not into what's right for their preconceived notions of making a polyfi triad.

This doesn't mean that I'm not ready for poly or can't cope or that poly isn't for me or that I haven't gotten over the conformist social conditioning or anything else like that. . It simply means that I have different needs.

Honestly, it's this sense of entitlement that couples often approach relationships with that makes unicorns so rare.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by punkinbutt69

I have been in this relationship for almost two years. I love him very much. But his wife and I dont get along very well. I try to make friends with her but she doesnt seem to want to be friends. I'm feeling very confused and torn because I love him so very much and can't imagine my life with out him. I often feel second best and that his love for me isnt what it should be. I spend alot of time crying and feel I have absolutely no one to talk to. I joined this forum to see what everyone else feels, and see if anyone might have any advice for me I will appreciate any comments I get.

I was responding to this post, not the original one... .. I agree with what you are saying however and see your point.

[Ceoli]

Whoops! Ah yes, that makes sense.

[DestinyWaits]

Ceoli, I see your point and no feathers were ruffled. I do understand what you say and could have understood something like that and honored her feelings had she ever said any of the things you said but alas she did not. What she wanted was more and more one on one time with each of us and less time with us as a whole. When we first started the relationship we told her what it was we were looking for (the equal triad and a life partner) and she told us that was what she wanted too but as time went on her whole attitude on the relationship changed and instead of a family she wanted someone to spend the nights with her and she wanted to dictate which one it was, if either of us declined, for whatever reason, she would get upset and say we didn't care for her. When we approached her with the moving in idea at first it was "when my lease runs out on my house" then it went to "I'm going to reup my lease because I don't want to have to explain to my mom our relationship" then it went to "I've decided to stay here because you've been together 16 yrs and I could never fit in as a family" even after all we did to make her feel like an intricate part of our lives.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by DestinyWaits

Ceoli, I see your point and no feathers were ruffled. I do understand what you say and could have understood something like that and honored her feelings had she ever said any of the things you said but alas she did not. What she wanted was more and more one on one time with each of us and less time with us as a whole. When we first started the relationship we told her what it was we were looking for (the equal triad and a life partner) and she told us that was what she wanted too but as time went on her whole attitude on the relationship changed and instead of a family she wanted someone to spend the nights with her and she wanted to dictate which one it was, if either of us declined, for whatever reason, she would get upset and say we didn't care for her. When we approached her with the moving in idea at first it was "when my lease runs out on my house" then it went to "I'm going to reup my lease because I don't want to have to explain to my mom our relationship" then it went to "I've decided to stay here because you've been together 16 yrs and I could never fit in as a family" even after all we did to make her feel like an intricate part of our lives.

While she probably could have handled it differently, it still sounds like she simply has different needs than you do. It is often hard for a third to learn the skills of standing up for themselves and learning to give voice to their needs when in a relationship with an established couple. As I said before, for the third, it can often feel like they have a lot more to lose in a relationship than the couple (whether this perception is true or not). And when people don't know how to give voice to their needs and share them, it can often start showing up in other negative ways.

Also there are times when a third may genuinely think being in a triad as an equal life partner is what they want until they learn the realities of the dynamics of being a third with a couple. No matter how hard a couple tries to make it easier for the third to integrate, there are factors that cannot be changed in such a relationship. Some people may think they're ok with those factors in theory but find that the reality of coping with such things is more emotional pain than it's worth. For others, those factors don't seem to matter at all and they can happily integrate into a couple. Again, it's just a matter of different needs. Not one person being more poly or more real than another (that last sentence isn't really directed at you but sort of addressing the general attitude I've seen throughout these boards).

It sounds like she didn't know how to voice her needs but finally did when she said that she feels like she can never fit in as a family. This is a perfectly valid feeling that should be honored. There's nothing you can do to make her feel more valued or special if you and her have differing needs. Happily, the couple I've been dating decided that they were happy to be with me in whatever way I was available to them, and this took the pressure off of me to try to fit into what they wanted. Especially since it's hard to form equal connections with two people at equal rates. There are times when I see one of them rather than both of them because we are growing and fostering our individual connections as well as the triad dynamic. We continue to have a lovely relationship because of that.

A while back, a friend of mine posted something called the HBB flowchart. Parts of it may or may not apply to your particular situation as a couple, but I can say that most of it applies to us single bisexual women when we are faced with the possibility of joining a couple as a third. It's a bit tongue-in-cheek and scathing towards couples who are looking for a third, but it's still worth a read because it is something many single bi women are faced with.

http://tacit.livejournal.com/295369.html

Best of luck in getting your needs met.

[XYZ123]

Ceoli- I just laughed so hard juice actually came out my nose. I have to show that link to some poly friends of mine. Thanks!