vinsanity0
Active member
You said it yourself. He gets back home and June controls him again. That will never change.
I know it's hard for you to let go. It's easy for me to tell you to. I've been there plenty of times.
Feeling excluded in poly relationship
- Thread starter polypet
- Start date
You said it yourself. He gets back home and June controls him again. That will never change.
I know it's hard for you to let go. It's easy for me to tell you to. I've been there plenty of times.
opalescent
Active member
I find it incredibly helpful to have no contact for 40 days after a breakup. No emails, calls, visits, texts, social media. It allows you to have time to heal, to start getting perspective, and to reset your mental and emotional states around this person. (This isn't always possible but if you can I definitely recommend it.)
AutumnLeaves
New member
I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling. I heal faster and more completely if I don't hang onto those little threads. So like opalescent suggested, I find it best to just cut all contact until I feel balanced and rational again.
THWAP!!!
Go take a bubble bath. Or ride a bike. Or watch your favorite porn & masturbate while eating ice cream with magic shell. Or take up a new class in something you've always wanted to do. Maybe get some new decorations for your bedroom? New sheets? Do you like running ? Take a looooooong run.
Any of those help?
Also ((((((hugs)))))) I know it's hard. It sucks. For what it's worth (especially if he's being distant), taking a month or two of zero contact could really, really help. It's done wonders for me in the past.
Listen to your sensible, self-loving side! Scrounging for scraps off a table you have been made unwelcome at is NOT the way to go!
I suspect you may need to do as is often suggested and have no contact for at least more than a month so your craving for the relationship that used to be can abate. You need to have time to look away from what was there but is not now, or perhaps was never there the way you thought it was until June caused you to really see.
You are now even a different person in some ways than when you met him. Take some time to find what fits your needs and wishes now
Leetah
I suspect you may need to do as is often suggested and have no contact for at least more than a month so your craving for the relationship that used to be can abate. You need to have time to look away from what was there but is not now, or perhaps was never there the way you thought it was until June caused you to really see.
You are now even a different person in some ways than when you met him. Take some time to find what fits your needs and wishes now
Leetah
When I had my last messy breakup with a long term bf last year, I followed opal's advice to go no contact for 40 days. I did, and found that after that time had passed, I had no desire to contact him. Ironically, he contacted me himself then, a couple days past 40. He offered to have a date and see if we could still be friends. So we met. Turns out, we couldn't be friends, or transition to a more casual sexual relationship. Not at all. I realized how low my standards had fallen seeking to remain with him. I knew I could do better.
Many hugs as you go through this period. You will make it. Things will get better for you, I know it!
Many hugs as you go through this period. You will make it. Things will get better for you, I know it!
Thank you so much for your support and giving me the tough love I need. I really appreciate your suggestions everyone of you and I will continue to lean on polyamory.com as this site genuinely has caring, considerate people who reach out to strangers. Thank you for enduring my whining I am sure I will post some more whines again as things get rough. Kisses to all of you.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
If you've stopped contact, then no, I wouldn't let him know. If you bump into each other, you bump into each other and you keep going your separate ways. It doesn't obligate you to have a conversation or meet with him again.
Although I have been avoiding contact with him, he has on occasion contacted me and which has made it difficult to cease all contact with him. I have not completely let go despite my best intentions to do so. I am worried he will work his way back into my heart if I come face to face with him.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
This. It's your boundary. It's what you need to heal. If you were in a cast healing from a broken leg, would you let him goad you into running to catch the train? No. Emotional healing is no different. He needs to back off and respect that.
Another vote for telling him you need to cut off all contact and not mention you'll be in his area. Maybe you'll bump into him. Maybe you won't. If you do, I'd excuse myself from the situation.
How long will you be in his area? What are the circumstances in which you think you'll run into him?
How long will you be in his area? What are the circumstances in which you think you'll run into him?
Just because he initiates contact doesn't mean you have to engage and answer the email or phone or social media. Be strong. Block him from what you can, and let the rest just go to the trash or voice mail unopened/unheard.
Tell him you want no contact and then let it go. If he's the type who takes boundaries and a challenge to break down? Then don't tell him anything. Just stop participating. Disengage.
Galagirl
Tell him you want no contact and then let it go. If he's the type who takes boundaries and a challenge to break down? Then don't tell him anything. Just stop participating. Disengage.
Galagirl
Oh Galagirl, I adore you. You figured out that he loves to push boundaries and sees them as a challenge.
You are all right as usual. I suppose I should have told him I am done, but honestly I was just hoping to fade away and disappear. I will be in his area for about 2 weeks and the chance of running into him at local stores and such is huge.