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  #1  
Old 05-31-2010, 08:02 AM
iconoclast iconoclast is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
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Default Stranger needs advice

My wife and I enjoy a close and conservative marriage for 13 years now. Prior to marriage, I enjoyed a healthy sexual life style while my wife remained a virgin until we married in our late twenties. She has always been sexually active and interested but not entirely adventurous. I'd say she's willing, but naive and passive.
While I am aware of sexual trends and lifestyles, mostly through the internet, she has little exposure to them. Therefore, while I've heard of Polyamory, she has not.
At the moment she is beginning an affair with a friend from work. We were mutual friends, but now he is too embarassed to face me. My wife told me from the beginning and I told her to keep our communication open and honest and that I wanted her happiness. She has met with L a few times for romantic interludes, but they were "dirty" in the sense that they have no place to go. I suggested they meet at the house but she refused. I admitted to her that I did feel hurt on one occasion when she went out with L and left me home with the laundry and kids. Finally, I know she does not want to allow him to have intercourse with him (we are very conservative), but she doesn't believe me when I tell her that he will demand it and that perhaps she is using him.
She claims her desires are physical attraction and not love. I am relieved that I am not losing my wife to another. I know they are not compatible for the long term, but I fear she is kidding herself. I want her to be happy, and would prefer she met with a variety of other lovers rather than just L. And I admit that I am conflicted inside.
Why I write: I have a knot in my stomach for days now. I don't want to be jealous, but my pride doesn't want anybody knowing or thinking I let my wife be touched by others. How do I overcome this physical jealousy which I don't like intellectually? Was it fair for me to encourage my wife to go ahead and enjoy an affair, while admitting the hurt in my gut? I pushed my wife into sharing details with me in bed which led to intense love-making -- she was embarassed by this.
In short: Hubby trying to help, doesn't know how. All advice welcome. Thanx.
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  #2  
Old 05-31-2010, 09:10 AM
saudade saudade is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Red face Take a deep breath

Phew!

Welcome, and (((hugs))). None of you are in an easy spot.

There's some things in your words I'd like to tease out with you, with little bits of advice I can offer threaded in:

Quote:
Therefore, while I've heard of Polyamory, she has not.
Have you told her about it? You might want to. Here's an awesome Boston Globe article that's not too intimidating:
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ma..._new_frontier/

Quote:
We were mutual friends, but now he is too embarassed to face me.
Are you okay with the situation? If so, have you told him? How close are you? (Are either of you bisexual or bi-curious? I know that might be a rough question, so feel free to just think your answer on that one instead of typing it if you're so inclined.)

Quote:
Finally, I know she does not want to allow him to have intercourse with him (we are very conservative), but she doesn't believe me when I tell her that he will demand it and that perhaps she is using him.
To confirm that I've got the pronouns in the right places in my head: she doesn't want to have sex with him, and you're concerned that A) she'll lose him over that point, and B) that she may be using him physically and/or emotionally. Is that correct?

From there... If you're friends with him, and concerned that she's using him, have you spoken with her about it? With him? What kind of being used are you worried about? What makes you think he'll demand sex?

Quote:
She claims her desires are physical attraction and not love. I am relieved that I am not losing my wife to another. I know they are not compatible for the long term, but I fear she is kidding herself. I want her to be happy, and would prefer she met with a variety of other lovers rather than just L. And I admit that I am conflicted inside.
How do you feel about her claiming she's just physically attracted? Were you concerned she might leave you? How do you know they're incompatible, and what might she be kidding herself about? Do you think she wants a variety of lovers, now or in the future?

(It's okay to feel conflicted. It's pretty common, even without bringing non-monogamy into the mix!)

Quote:
Why I write: I have a knot in my stomach for days now. I don't want to be jealous, but my pride doesn't want anybody knowing or thinking I let my wife be touched by others. How do I overcome this physical jealousy which I don't like intellectually? Was it fair for me to encourage my wife to go ahead and enjoy an affair, while admitting the hurt in my gut? I pushed my wife into sharing details with me in bed which led to intense love-making -- she was embarassed by this.
Are you feeling jealous of your wife's time with L, or just worried that people will judge you for allowing it? It's hard to tell from your words whether or not you're bothered by it happening, or just the thought of it getting out of the closet.

I'd call it absolutely fair to encourage her and to admit that it hurt. Though I don't have many of your words to go on, it sounds like exactly the strategy I prefer for handling rough feelings in these kinds of situations:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html

It's okay to be unsure of how much to share about sexual encounters with others when talking to your partner, and it's absolutely okay (at least in my opinion) to be aroused by the stories. Everyone has a different comfort level on both points, and it takes some trial and error to figure out what works for you.

Thanks for being brave enough to share. Keep posting-- we're here for you.

In cahoots,
~S
__________________
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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  #3  
Old 06-02-2010, 03:51 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

It sounds like you are trying to get your emotions in line with your intellect. I think it is possible to do it. I have had similar feelings that you have. Awhile back I was dating a woman and we were both into polyamory. I was very ok with her going out with other women, but I had a hard time when we talked about her going out with another guy.

On some level, I worried that the other guy would see it as a conquest or see that he is getting free sex while I have the burden of household responsibility. I never worried about this when she went out with another woman because I did not feel that another woman was competition because we fulfilled different needs.

Later on with my wife, a similar issue came up. I really thought long about it. I realized that I should trust her not to want to be with a guy who would act like she was a conquest. I also focused on the feeling of compersion. I wanted her to be able to explore and experience all life has to offer. I just want there to be openness and honesty.

It also sounds like you may be turned on by "wife sharing." Maybe you could explore those feelings to see if that helps.

So I think it is possible for you to feel less jealous since it sounds like it comes from insecurity. Just ask your wife what she likes about you. Sometimes that will make you feel more secure and less jealous.
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