Newness and confusion

Hi
Well I'm another newbie and struggling to get my head and heart around this thing.

Been in a relationship for nearly 8 yrs. the past four and half we've been open. We started out having three ways (or more) and I was under the impression we only played together. I was hurt when I found out he wasn't playing by the same rules.
My preference had been for monogamy. When we first got together he told me that's what he wanted as well but admitted he had always had a problem staying monogamous. After three yrs or so we started playing with others. In the process one of our playmates developed a very strong attachment to my partner. My partner liked the attention and I believe developed feelings as well. Mi was operating under the notion that it was all just fun and games and no emotional involvements.... My partner and this new person quickly began to look like a couple and I felt as though I was being pushed aside.
Yes I had my fears insecurities and jealousy... And I owned and voiced them. They went unnoticed or were dismissed or negated by my partner. My partner and I began to drift apart and his relationship with the other guy grew stronger. They identify as best friends but to myself and a few close friends brave enough to be honest with me, see them as having a highly codependent unhealthy relationship.
So sometime in the past yr the two of them started playing with someone... That new person began to have feelings for my partner... I o my recetdound out I out this person and he expressed an interest in meeting me. There was an instant connection and chemistry between us. So now this guy has feelings (has said he has fallen in love with) both my partner and myself. He likes the other guy as well but from what I understand the feelings are not the same he has for my partner and myself.
So now I'm wanting to spend time with him and develop a relationship... He wants that too and wants to continue building the relationship he has with my partner as well as be friends with and playmates with the other guy
It's all very new and confusing for me and I struggle with it all. My partner I believes loves me still. He speaks highly of me. However his actions don't mirror his words.
He tells me he loves me but something won't let him show me the live like he used to.
I miss what we had in the past and I want us all to be able to be happy and experience love and to explore and experience what could be possible with this expanded poly relationship.

I guess I'm hoping to get feedback, some advice, support, something from this forum to help me move forward and make sense of it all. Some days I'm an emotional wreck and just can't see where I fit in or if I fit or if they would all be better off without me.
Help!

Hi Newpolynash,

Re:

"My partner I believe loves me still. He speaks highly of me. However his actions don't mirror his words."

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What actions could your partner do to help you feel that he still loves you?

As for the new guy who shares feelings with you, I would take that slow but not bring it to a stop. You just about have the makings of a lovely triad there, but you must not let that get in the way of reality. The fourth guy in the equation being part of that reality.

Right now the most important thing is patching things up with your partner. If they can be patched up.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Actions

That's a question I'm trying to answer. It's always been difficult to ask for what I want or need. Trying to put it in words.
I know this sounds goofy but i see how he is with the new guy and it's exactly how he was with me when we first started dating.
The longing looks, the touching, the wanting to be together.
I don't know... I want him to notice me. To touch me. To want to spend time with me... Alone. Not always shaving someone else around. I want to feel that I matter to him.
I realize we have a complicated dynamic... We share a preference for being tops. We both want the same things I think and we are both having trouble expressing what the other wants/needs.
He has shared with me that he is used to being pursued by people and I am too. I'm not good at pursuing. I fear being rejected to much to take that role. I'm more of an introvert and he is much more an extrovert.
I'm hoping we can find a way to rediscover who we are to eachother and in that be good for each other and our new friend.
As for the new friend... They already have a history together. I feel like I'm last to the party and I guess I want to catch up to where they are. I'm needing to slow down but my heart just wants to go full speed ahead

Re:

"I want him to notice me. To touch me. To want to spend time with me ... alone. Not always having someone else around. I want to feel that I matter to him."

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This is actually well-worded and would be a good thing to say to him.