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  #1  
Old 06-01-2010, 02:22 AM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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Default Needing a Mono Perspective

im looking for guidance, specifically from someone who identifies with monogamy but is living with a polyamorous partner. And guidance from anyone else who has an idea.

Newish triad - been living together for 6 months. C and I are legally married and have two kids. A is married to D and they also have two kids. The way she came to live with us happened abruptly but was the only action that could be taken - living in the home with D was getting to be detrimental to the boys' lives and detrimental to A's happiness. A has always maintained a relationship with D, D has expressed his interest in being in a relationship with me - and the hope/goal was that eventually down the line we would all be living together - or at least be sharing a house (house with a suite) so that the boys wouldnt have to grow up in two separate houses.

We had been making headways, and had started to broach the idea of maybe finding a house as the boys are finding it a hard adjustment to go to daddy's house on weekends.

Here is the issue: D says he wants to live with everyone, wants to make it work, thinks he can make it work, thinks he can get over his issues, and wants us all to try. But in the same conversation he makes comments like "I dont know that I can do this" "A's sexual relationship with [us] is pretty much cheating and thats why he is jealous" he's "not sure he can actually process the feelings he has" and other such non confidence inspiring comments.

I dont know how to encourage him, or help him - or even if we can. Im not sure what to do here. He says he wants to try - but he has a ton of reservations and a ton of things that make him uncomfortable. Im okay with people feeling uncomfortable so long as they are able to process how they feel, work through it, talk about it, and turn it into something positive (I know i did this very thing when our relationship all started). But even he has said he doubts his own ability to do so.

Thoughts? guidance? Questions for me?
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  #2  
Old 06-01-2010, 02:43 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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A little more history might clear things up as far as offering a perspective. If I read into this without knowing the facts, here' what I come up with. D's wife started something with your husband and you which he wasn't really comfortable with. In order to find a way to stay with A and to maintain the life he has built with her (future security, kids etc), D will try anything. He's not actually interested in a poly life but will force himself to suffer through it because he is afraid of being alone. Based on what little I have heard, being alone is exactly what D needs. He needs to stand on his own two feet and once he finds himself self confident and empowered as an individual, then he can take a look at becoming involved in a poly relationship.

I'd say he is desperate, unable to imagine coping by himself (I know the feeling) and therefore will endure the torment he knows as opposed to facing the fear of the unknown.

He's been left behind because he chose to be left behind. Now he needs to find himself if he has any chance of catching up and being sustain-ably healthy and happy with the rest of you.

Again...I don't have much to go on so I could be full of shit
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Old 06-01-2010, 02:48 AM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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You could be very right here.

We all knew this type of relationship was coming. It was brewing for quite some time. The actual hinge event that spurred this whole thing is something we all have negative feelings towards. Essentially, alcohol was involved, and there was partner swapping. We all walked away knowing we had a lot to talk about. We did - we talked a lot. And then we talked more. And then we talked even more. We all did agree that this is what we wanted to do. D, A, and C never believed themselves poly before so I dont know the struggle, if any, in suddenly finding yourself in that situation or feeling that way. I've always identified poly.

I had thought that with all the talking and communicating we did when this all started that this was something we all wanted, and we all agreed with.

If he isnt okay with it - then I feel incredibly lied to. I have gotten to know D, even started to develop romantic feelings for him. But I dislike being lied to, and dislike that he feels A is cheating on him, but he has said multiple times he would like to sleep with me.
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Old 06-01-2010, 03:14 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poiyt View Post
But I dislike being lied to, and dislike that he feels A is cheating on him, but he has said multiple times he would like to sleep with me.
I could also be very full of shit so please remember that

Thank you for the history though. Alchohol is one of the worst influences when it comes to "good ideas".

If he feels that A is cheating on him then he is no where near the acceptance of a poly concept in my opinion.

I just thought about this from a parenting perspective, which I am, and am wondering if he isn't missing his children perhaps and this is why he is reaching out in any way to be close to them.

Please take no offence to this next statement. Being willing or even wanting to sleep with someone doesn't require any special emotional bond for some. For some sex is just sex....just like having dinner as it has been put on here before. If you chose to go down that path with him make sure you are confident and comfortable with his motivations...i.e. you aren't being used for a revenge lay so to speak. I don't know what your personal views on the value of sexual intimacy is but for some the gift of their body is very valuable and reserved for a limited and deserving few.

I hope this works out for all of you

Peace and Love
Mono
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  #5  
Old 06-01-2010, 07:20 AM
DD123 DD123 is offline
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Hi! Im mono and my gf is poly (just cuz you said you were looking for a mono perspective).

WOW this is quite a situation. I cant speak for D but I can share my experience. My gf told me she was poly when we first started going out, but I didnt really know what that meant. We would sit at coffee shops and point out who we thought was cute and who we would bang. this was all fun, the IDEA was fun. Then 1 night she tells me she is going ona date with another girl....and I TOTALLY freak out cuz I think our relationship is over and there was nothing she could say that would convince me otherwise. I was hurt, jealous, and resentful. Much to my surprise it wasnt over. This was maybe 2 1/2 months ago.

About 1 1/2 months ago she goes on a date to the club with this girl again. so in order to SPITE her, I went to the gay club to find a bf. my gf had a great time - I had a HORRIBLE time because my motives were out of fear, jealousey, and anger. since then my gf and I have talked a lot and worked a lot of things out.

The main points I want to emphasize are: talking about it and actually doing it are 2 VERY different things. and check his motives, to me they sound more out of spite. My gf and I have been together less than a year. Sounds like D has been with A for several years and has 2 kids and has a lot more to loose and may put up with and say A LOT out of fear of all that he may loose.

Hope this helps
DD123
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