How long? (Before it's okay to say "I love you?")

I always learn from a conversation, even when I don't agree with most of the participants -- and even when most of them don't agree with me. It just helps to talk about the topic, sometimes.

That said, I seem to be in love with a new person in my life. We've only known one another for six weeks. Does this seem way too soon -- to your ears -- to say "I love you"?

What is, and what is not, implicit in these magical words -- as you see and hear it?

I tell my best platonic friends "I love you" all the time, but none of them think I'm wanting to get married or something.

So if there is any hint of "romance" or sex, are we supposed to wait six months or something to let it be known that we love them?

There seem to be more opinions on these sorts of topics than there are people, sheesh.

River said:

...We've only known one another for six weeks. Does this seem way too soon -- to your ears -- to say "I love you"?

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Not at all. I started dating someone about six weeks ago, as well, and I totally would say that I love him. I felt it reading his second (and every subsequent) message, I certainly felt it upon meeting him and I feel it more every time I see him. I thought I was past falling in love and all that and then, blammo! It's a feeling of being wide open to this person and everything about him makes my heart sing. I never had sex like this in my life, to add to the zing. I am way too nervous about saying "I love you" to him, but I sure would respond in kind were he to say it to me. I didn't think love at first sight was a real thing, but now I know that it definitely is.

And I say this, having been married 16 years. I know the difference between long term love, in-love love and infatuation. Been to each place many times. "I love you" after six weeks sounds 100% normal to me!

Thanks Karen!

I've studied philosophy, and am a bit of an intellectual. So I do tend to think of things in logical and categorical ways, using analysis. Well, this gets all the more difficult with this L-word. Other cultures and languages use many words for our single L-word, and that might be helpful. But we love everything -- kids, ice cream, our jobs (or we hate them). And when we say "I'm in love" that too can mean a hundred major different things to a hundred different people.

I think I have a whole room full of "in love" aspects toward my new sweetie (though he may not wish to be called my new sweetie, I don't know yet!). I am in love with him in many ways -- infatuation? Probably some. Profound good will (tons of that!). Wishing the best for him (more tons). Wanting to be with him lots? (Of course!) Finding him exotically beautiful and wonderful. (Duh!)... Please add to this list, I could go on forever.

One of the ways I'm in love with him is that it's not all about me. Nor is it all about him. It's not what I want FROM him. It's what I want WITH him. I think this must count as real love.

That, and it's certainly not all about sex -- though we've done a very little of that, too. I don't emphasize sex with him. I could cuddle with him three times a week for the next hundred years -- even without sex -- and a peck on the lips now and then... and some good heart-felt conversation ... and that'd be enough. This must be love, then?

River said:

....I could cuddle with him three times a week for the next hundred years -- even without sex -- and a peck on the lips now and then... and some good heart-felt conversation ... and that'd be enough. This must be love, then?

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Well, personally, when I'm IN LOVE, I want to fuck their brains out and do, but what matters here is how you feel. It's totally "legit" to be OK with holding off on the sex when all kinds of love is flowing through your veins. Holding off or not doesn't signal love one way or another. What matters is how all of that feels for you.

I don't think that there's any set time table. I wouldn't say it on the first date or anything. But then again, it's not a phrase that I feel comfortable saying to anyone except immediate family (wife, kids, mom, etc...).

6 weeks probably isn't too soon if it's what you actually feel though.

yummy

R.e., Karens response:

Oh, don't get me wrong, I definitely want sex with him. It's just that what I mostly want with him is what I'll call "heart connection".

Where I live, random sex with strangers is apparently quite common in the gay / bi men world. And "connection" is apparently the last thing on the minds of these people. And one consequence of this, for me, is a feeling of living in a kind of love desert.

You've heard of "food deserts"? It's like that -- only the missing nutrient is affection and connection.

I like women too, of course. But poly women who like bi guys are about as rare around here as the Seven Cities of Gold. Mythical creatures, like unicorns.

So, for me, it's either gourmet or fasting -- at least beyond the familiar (and happy!) domestic partnership I have with Sweetie Numero Uno.

Fasting has made my heart all the more sensitive.

River said:

Where I live, random sex with strangers is apparently quite common in the gay / bi men world. And "connection" is apparently the last thing on the minds of these people. And one consequence of this, for me, is a feeling of living in a kind of love desert.

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I imagine that where you live is like most other gay male enclaves in that the "heart connection" to "hookup" ratio is about 100-1. Doesn't mean that "heart" isn't desired, just that "hookup" is much more prevalent than it is in the hetero scene, so "heart" gets overshadowed and perhaps isn't very visible. But every gay man that I know wants "heart." Anyhoo - again, what matters is what you feel and what you want. The clearer "heart connection" signal you're putting out, the more visible you are to others who feel the same. It doesn't matter if you're in a love desert or not, you will find each other when the signal is constant and strong.

In my experience, six weeks is too soon to tell someone I love him. Since my divorce, I am always a bit cautious about things like that. Knowing I'm infatuated and immersed in hormone-induced euphoria, I try to keep my feet on the ground. So, even if I was wrapped up in loving feelings, I wouldn't say "I love you" until I got past the euphoria and knew for sure. But it would also depend on what kind of agreements or goals we have for the relationship.

I told Guitarist that I loved him about 3 days into our relationship, but we'd been friends a long time before that and I knew myself well enough to know what I was feeling.

So in my opinion, there isn't a too soon,as long as you know it's love instead of NRE infatuation.

hormone-induced euphoria

nycindie said:

.... Knowing I'm infatuated and immersed in hormone-induced euphoria, I try to keep my feet on the ground.

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I seem to have a rear view mirror perspective on those wonderful younger days when I was innocent enough to be captured by hormone-induced euphoria at an early stage of relationship development. That is, I've been through the crash and burn too many times to fall for it.

The nearest thing to "euphoria" I'll allow passage at this point is the euphoria which centers in my chest and requires nothing other than the simple moment to dwell there: that is, love without expectation or demand. And it is rather euphoric, though I don't get entirely drunk on it and lose all perspective.

I'm experiencing my love now as roughly 75% joyful and free celebration of the person's loveliness and roughly 25% desire. This is a radical departure from previous "in love" experiences for me. And that 25% desire is about 95% desire to share something WITH, rather than get something FROM -- also a new state of love for me.

In other words, I don't think (or feel) of him as the source of my love experience, even though I do experience him as its obvious local inspiration.

I'm experiencing this as a much more mature way of being "in love" than any previous one I've experienced. In fact, in some interesting way, I feel as if he's my unwitting teacher of such a mature kind of love. I am a willing student of such an unfolding love.

In some deep, essential "part" of me, I know passion has to take a back seat to celebratory joy without any expectations or demands -- or profound appreciation without grasping. Still, I feel I must bring care to the nurturing of this insight. I could go off the tracks and crash and burn. But I doubt I will. I've seen that movie before. More than once! Even the popcorn is stale.

P.S.

"I love you" can mean a thousand different things, at least.

It can mean, "Wow, you're so wonderful and I am always so delighted when we're together."

And it can mean "I perceive you as the source of my well-being and happiness, so I'd like to have you commit to never leaving my side for the rest of my life -- lest I suffer terribly, nearly unto suicidal despair."

And it can mean both -- dividing the proportions of these two down the middle.

And so very many other things, besides.

My beloved, in the case we're talking about, is so beautiful and lovely that he inspires my heart to glow with warmth -- quite literally. I feel a glowing, shimmering vibration in my heart just thinking of him. Ultimately, I know he is an inspiration to my heart to glow in this warm, vibratory way. He is not the cause of it. So I'm not seeing him as a resource to control and exploit.

I feel I tend to fall in love easily, maybe too easily. For that reason I have made a pact with myself to not say it first. I was totally in shock when the last person blurted that out to me. I had fallen for her months earlier, but I never thought she would go there. I am totally feeling it for my latest. We've been going out since August, but I'm not saying it.

There seem to be thousands of ways of contemplating the question, "When should I (or should I not) "confess" my love?". How one answers such a question depends on various major and minor factors in play with one another.

A major factor, for me, is what one's "story" is about what love is. My story goes somewhat like this (in one of its aspects):

Love is the most natural thing in the world. It's not half the complicated mess our culture makes out of it. And most of all it should not be thought of as a super scarce, very rare thing. Such a notion of love is flatly ridiculous, even a bit crazy. When we imagine love as scarce, we treat it as scarce -- and it thus BECOMES scarce. It becomes as rare as a perfect fifteen carat emerald on the beach. Who would ever expect to stumble upon such a thing?!

Saying "I love you" to someone need not necessarily mean "Let's form a unique and special bond in which we promise not to part ways, ever, unless [fill in the blank]." We seem to want to avoid saying "I love you" because it is a three word sentence which we pack way too much extra baggage onto, thus preventing it from being the very simple and very delicious sentence it really is.

I know my friend knows I love him. Even if I don't say it. But I have said it, but qualified it by saying, in essence, please don't load these three words with a lot of extra baggage such as the presumption that I'm coming at this with a set of pre-established expectations about us together.

I want to live in a world where love is not so scarce.

I WILL live in that world, and will stir it up magically by knowing that love is abundant beyond all measure!

There is an abundance of love! It's everywhere!

River said:

My beloved, in the case we're talking about, is so beautiful and lovely that he inspires my heart to glow with warmth -- quite literally. I feel a glowing, shimmering vibration in my heart just thinking of him. Ultimately, I know he is an inspiration to my heart to glow in this warm, vibratory way. He is not the cause of it. So I'm not seeing him as a resource to control and exploit.

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I love this...it's how I would describe my love for Blue if I were poetic like you

I hope your love continues to blossom, it sounds lovely

I've often said that love is a feeling, not a contractual obligation. However, most guys I've met in my dating life seem to have been conditioned to think there's a contract attached to the words "I love you" -- so, not only am I cautious about when to say it, I am also diligent to check my own expectations in saying it (that may have been part of my societal indoctrination), to review what kind of relationship my lover and I agreed to be in, and to talk with lovers about what certain words and phrases mean specifically to them.

So in my opinion, there isn't a too soon,as long as you know it's love instead of NRE infatuation.

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For me - it is okay to call even NRE infatuation "love", because - well, it is one kind of love in my book. My opinion is that there is no too soon at all.

I have been the first one to say it in most of my relationships. To me, it means I am having some sort of loving feelings towards this person. How the love turns out will be another question totally. I have never burnt myself with saying I-love-you's because for me it covers a lot of different things. Luckily, none of my lovers has taken it the wrong way (ie. meaning a life-long commitment immediately once the love has been confessed).

With Jeremy I think it took four weeks to say it. I thought I loved him way earlier, but it did not feel necessary to talk about it - until it felt natural and the situation was right.

Simply some words of appreciation

Thanks, all, for contributing to this conversation.

Words are powerful things. They appear to be a kind of magic. And that's why I deeply appreciate conversations on these sorts of topics. I want to know when I am accidentally, without intention, creating "magic" I'd really rather not. By consciously examining the words I speak to myself in (when I speak to myself in words), I seem to be choosing my magical participation in the world consciously, rather than randomly and without critical awareness.

Love to you all! Much love to you all in this world of Abundant Love!

I loved Adam, and said it, within a few long moments of our little fingers touching in a still moment of sitting in the car alone for the first time ever. The love came first, it was a connection unlike any other. Then we kissed. Then... Then we moved in together. Then we became friends. Then we got married.

There are no rules.

Tech and I took around 15 years to say the words "I love you". But the feelings were there a long time before that.

Someone else, around 3 weeks, perhaps less.

Another may never hear those words no matter how much I long to say them.

I have no personal expectations of timeline. I just let it all unfold the way that is right for each dynamic.

I don't fall in love very often at all. But when I do, I generally know very soon, within a few weeks. I told Beaker I loved her less than a month after we started dating. Rather freaked her out actually. I suspect I will tell Glow I love her very soon. I have generally been the person to say the words first, although not always. Whip startled me telling me he loved me - was not expecting that at all. And it took about a week for me to say it back to him.

I don't think there is any hard and fast rule, just what feels right at the time. I've never regretting saying (or hearing) 'I love you'.

nycindie said:

In my experience, six weeks is too soon to tell someone I love him. Since my divorce, I am always a bit cautious about things like that. Knowing I'm infatuated and immersed in hormone-induced euphoria, I try to keep my feet on the ground. So, even if I was wrapped up in loving feelings, I wouldn't say "I love you" until I got past the euphoria and knew for sure. But it would also depend on what kind of agreements or goals we have for the relationship.

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My sentiments exactly. I'm also divorced and then got swooped up in a very emotionally charged relationship way too fast and got confused between love and infatuation and was so deeply involved by the time I sorted myself out that it was really hard to get myself out. i'm very cautious now and in absolutely zero hurry to say it. I say 'I like you' a lot