Need advice on how to handle insecurities

I've fallen in love with a man who is poly. He told me right from the start this is how he lives his life. I didn't expect to fall for him as hard as I have. It's been 5 months. It's a long distance relationship. Recently he visited me and we had a glorious time, and I fell even deeper in love. Up until that visit I was handling this lifestyle ok. Not really thrilled about it, but accepted it. Now I am having such problems, feeling insecure. He still pursues other women. It makes me feel inadequate, as though I don't fulfill him. And it makes me very sad, because he fulfills me completely. Any advice as to how to be more accepting, and feel more secure? He and I do discuss my feeling about this, and he is very understanding and patient. So far I am not seeing anyone else. I don't see how I could, my feelings for him are so strong. I force myself to go on dates and they have been pretty lousy. All I think about is him. I'm just so lost.

Lostbasil, I think being new to a poly relationship and not being poly can be very difficult for anyone. Please keep in mind that your boyfriend is not seeing other people because of anything you lack. The beauty of being polyamorous is that people get to love many people for a variety of reasons. No two people are exactly alike which is why poly people celebrate that differences in their relationships. But being different from one person to another does not make you less than anyone else. Consider your friends, I am sure that different friends bring different qualities that are special into your relationship, that does not mean one friend is better than another.

I would recommend you do some research on the subject, I really like the site https://www.morethantwo.com. I have also found a lot of support and thoughtful comments on this site.

Take care and I wish you the best of luck.

Lostbasil, it's understandable that you would have a hard time with your boyfriend seeing other women. Even though I'm polyamorous, if Hubby or another partner were to start seeing someone else, I would struggle with it too. For me it would be equal parts fear that he might like her better, and the fact that I still struggle with the aftermath of three and a half decades of being told I'm not worth anything and don't deserve anyone good, so I would have to battle the thoughts of "see, everyone was right, I'm not worth it or he wouldn't want to see this other person."

On the other hand, I know I would feel that way, I know *why* I would feel that way, and I've told Hubby and the other partners I've had so far that I would feel that way. I've also told them that under no circumstances should they take that as a reason *not* to see other people if they want to, because I want them to be happy and have fun. I just ask that they comfort and reassure me if I need them to.

I'm glad your partner is being supportive and patient as you try to work through this, and I'm glad you are being understanding of the fact that he is polyamorous and not trying to change him. That level of mutual respect and communication is definitely a benefit. All you can do is keep that line of communication open, and try to remind yourself that he doesn't see things the way you do. He isn't seeing other women because you aren't enough. It isn't about being "enough." You're enough for him by his way of thinking, or he wouldn't be seeing you. But because he's polyamorous, he loves more than one person and prefers to have more than one relationship. None of his partners, including you, are lacking in any way. He just finds different benefits in each of you.

For example, Hubby doesn't like going out anywhere. My most recent ex-boyfriend loved telling me to get into the car and taking me on random road trips during which he showed me some sites and such that I absolutely loved. Hubby is enough for me as Hubby, but he couldn't give me the experience of long road trips and scenic views and funky little shops I didn't know existed. On the other hand, my ex-boyfriend was enough for me as himself, but he didn't keep a roof over my and my kids' heads and financially support me because I'm unable to work a regular job. Different people, different benefits, equal importance. Equally "enough."

As for you seeing other people... if you don't want to, why should you? Not everyone is polyamorous. Just because your partner sees other people doesn't mean you should. There are several polyamorous people on this forum who have monogamous partners (I'm one of them; Hubby can't even wrap his head around loving more than one woman, and he doesn't consider having a physical relationship with another woman to be worth the hassle of finding one who would be willing), and there are a few monogamous people on here who are involved with polyamorous partners.

Thank you.

Thank you. That site does have a lot of information.

I'm sorry you struggle. Could anything here help?

Galagirl

I'm curious if you have any interest in being poly yourself at all? I'm fairly new to this, so don't take me for some expert or anything...but the way I would look at this if I were you is like this: What exactly makes you feel inadequate? I don't think it's his interest in other women. His interest in other women was there before you met him. I think it's what you believe his interest in other women MEANS. What belief is that? Is it true? Being poly is about knowing other's feelings towards others external to ourselves truly has no effect on those same other's feelings towards us. At least to me in my understanding. I don't mean to criticize monogamy as being a "lesser" preference or anything, but monogamy seems to hold the security of the other partner as the primary goal. Poly seems to hold the AUTONOMY of the partner as primary goal. Both require lots of work. LOTS. I wish you the best.

Xftmfz said:

.... monogamy seems to hold the security of the other partner as the primary goal. Poly seems to hold the AUTONOMY of the partner as primary goal.

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This is so f-ing astute, I just want to hug you!


I didn't become poly so much as I embraced poly and to me, poly is all about freedom. Not just freedom to explore love and sexuality, but freedom from the tethers of my own insecurities that I assumed were just a natural part of life. Embracing poly has led me on a treasure hunt to find perspectives that I never thought possible for myself, but are oh, so rewarding and enriching to my life in general. Now, poly isn't for you, Lostbasil, but clearly you're drawn to this person and this situation that calls for you to look at your insecurities. That's where the treasure lies for you. Make the most of this opportunity to unshackle yourself of some insecurities - or just begin getting familiar with how to stabilize when they flare up - without needing another person to do it for you. When you can quiet your own fears and come to peace about life and who you are all on your own, that is the true experience of freedom that so may of us are searching for.

Thanks

Everyone's comments have been helpful, and giving me lots to think about. I did talk more with him about this yesterday. I told him I was trying hard to get past my insecurities. He asked me how I was doing that, and I told him I was seeking advice of others about the topic. His reaction was strange. He told me I could gain all the knowledge there is and it would not change the way I feel. That I want him all to myself, but that he loves me for who I am. But I do want to change the way I feel. I told him that. He suggests I stop trying to change myself and to enjoy who I am, that's the person he loves. I can't grasp this - I feel that if I don't change then I'll forever feel this pit of insecurity that I don't enjoy.

Lostbasil said:

I feel that if I don't change then I'll forever feel this pit of insecurity that I don't enjoy.

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Well, you're right that if you're dependent on another's regular validation, you will forever encounter the put of insecurity. That's exactly what insecurity is - building security on other people's approval and not on guidance from your inner self. Sounds like he doesn't quite grasp what "talking with other people" means to you, but that's OK. What he thinks or doesn't think isn't really relevant. You two can enjoy each other no matter what either of you thinks. This is your process and you'll see it played out in your relationships.

Lostbasil said:

Everyone's comments have been helpful, and giving me lots to think about. I did talk more with him about this yesterday. I told him I was trying hard to get past my insecurities. He asked me how I was doing that, and I told him I was seeking advice of others about the topic. His reaction was strange. He told me I could gain all the knowledge there is and it would not change the way I feel. That I want him all to myself, but that he loves me for who I am. But I do want to change the way I feel. I told him that. He suggests I stop trying to change myself and to enjoy who I am, that's the person he loves. I can't grasp this - I feel that if I don't change then I'll forever feel this pit of insecurity that I don't enjoy.

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I don't know why, but something about your phrasing here makes me think that if you explored poly for yourself, your partner would be unhappy - I'm curious whether any of the other people he has relationships with have other partners.

Wanting to change

Yes, FallenAngelina, I am constantly seeking his reassurance. I don't like that I need that. This is what I want to change, but it's very difficult for me right now. I'm just out of a long abusive marriage. I'm fairly damaged from all that. All I can do is try. So I am trying. I would like to be that person who is confident enough in herself. I know what I want, just having trouble getting there.

Icesong, His other friends do have their other friends. He says he only hopes that if I do have other men in my life that they have my best interest at heart.

I'm just out of a long abusive marriage. I'm fairly damaged from all that.

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I am so sorry to hear you are an abuse survivor. That's a hard row to hoe.

I mean this kindly, ok?

I think I am hearing that the overall goal here is for you to become more secure in yourself. With or without this man, you would want that. Right? Then I think you could align yourself toward that goal.

If you are recently coming out of an abusive relationship? You may not ABLE to date healthy yet. Your focus could be on healing and taking healthy dating class. Not getting out there to date already. I wonder if you jumped the gun on that?

I also wonder if you got attached to the first decent guy to come along without paying too much attention to what "store" you were at. Just "not another abuser" was good enough for you.

He told you from the start he is poly. Rather than stop to assess at THAT point in time what that truly means, if this is where you want to be shopping for a dating partner, or if this is what is best for you ... you went on ahead anyway eager to date. I wonder if you jumped the gun again?

Now time has passed and you are growing attached to him. Is it a healthy attachment? Or are you jumping still? Just now jumping through hoops to keep dating him even if realizing the fit might not be right or the timing might not be right? If you tell yourself stories just to keep on dating him and avoid thinking things out, it becomes hard to trust yourself. And that doesn't lead to you feeling secure in yourself if you cannot trust what you tell yourself. It does not lead to you feeling secure in yourself if you do not stop to think things out.

He told me I could gain all the knowledge there is and it would not change the way I feel. That I want him all to myself, but that he loves me for who I am. But I do want to change the way I feel. I told him that. He suggests I stop trying to change myself and to enjoy who I am, that's the person he loves. I can't grasp this - I feel that if I don't change then I'll forever feel this pit of insecurity that I don't enjoy.

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monoamorous to me is the desire to love 1 sweetie

monogamous is relationship shape -- 1:1. No other people in there.

Is he saying he knows you are monoamorous and does not expect you to change that? He's not going to be pushing you to date other people against your will? And you are saying you DO want to change from being a monoamorous person to being polyamorous? I think it is possible to explore and decide to try to see if you are polyamorous if that is what you truly want.

I also think it is possible to be a (monoamorous but poly-friendly) person in a "V" style thing. NOT date anyone but him but be content being a part of his poly network.

What is NOT easily possible to me is changing from being a (monoamorous AND monogamous) person. If you have a super strong preference for 1:1 relationships and you are dating a poly man and finding it hard... you may have to stop dating.

I wonder if you do not feel secure in this situation because this is NOT a situation you enjoy -- it goes against you own grain. And no amount of hoop jumping will change that.

So.... are you (monoamorous and monogamous)? Or (monoamorous and poly friendly)? Be honest with yourself. I think that's a first step toward being able to be secure in yourself. Being able to trust yourself to be honest with yourself.

If you are jumpy and on a hair trigger just out of abuse I think that is totally understandable. I just think you could take the time to stabilize that -- so you are NOT jumpy and impulsive. I can understand jumping on to something may bring a short term security. Like "Whew! Now I'm dating and free from abusive partner!" or "Whew! Now I am free from being alone."

But that doesn't necessarily bring long term security and stability. Like you were running TOWARD something you really want and are compatible with rather than merely running away from things you do not want.

This situation does not sound thought out. And if you want stability and security -- you may have to slow it way down in order to create it for yourself. Like even if you want to try dating him, take a break to complete a healthy dating class first. Heal from abuse first. YKWIM?

Ask him if he's willing to wait while you do that catching up you need to be doing.

Galagirl

Lostbasil said:

Everyone's comments have been helpful, and giving me lots to think about. I did talk more with him about this yesterday. I told him I was trying hard to get past my insecurities. He asked me how I was doing that, and I told him I was seeking advice of others about the topic. His reaction was strange. He told me I could gain all the knowledge there is and it would not change the way I feel. That I want him all to myself, but that he loves me for who I am. But I do want to change the way I feel. I told him that. He suggests I stop trying to change myself and to enjoy who I am, that's the person he loves. I can't grasp this - I feel that if I don't change then I'll forever feel this pit of insecurity that I don't enjoy.

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Life is change. We aren't the same person today as we were yesterday. We may continue to hold the same core values but we are changed by each experience. I agree with icesong, his reaction makes me wonder if he chooses mono partners to avoid dealing with similar issues on his end? I could be off-base but you do see that sometimes...poly people who want the freedom for themselves but collect mono partners to avoid dealing with their own insecurities.

As for your insecurities, you've received lots of great advice so far! When I first started seeing Blue (current partner, my intro to poly relationships), I did the whole 'deconstructing' my jealousy thing to get to the root fears. For me, jealousy is about security - wanting to feel secure that I won't be replaced or demoted. It's also about the fear of not being enough (good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, etc, etc.) And the fear of being excluded (everyone having fun at the party I wasn't invited to.) Understanding where the jealousy stemmed from was/is helpful to me. It gave me specific areas to work on and think about. However, these days I'm focused more on reframing my beliefs about relationships and life in general. I've questioned why I believe what I believe about everything so that I could throw out the beliefs I've inherited from family/society that no longer resonate with me. To be honest, that's helped me work through my insecurities and issues more than anything. They're not dramatic, earth-shattering revelations...more like small revelations that resonate with me and shift my perspective....the treasure hunt FallenAngelina referred to. The end result is that some of my fears have melted away and the grip others had on me has loosened considerably. The end result is I feel more compersion and excitement, less fear and jealousy!

These days, if I'm feeling jealous or insecure, it is almost always because I'm at an emotional low...the whole HALT thing (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, though I'd add stressed or sick to that as well.) Doing self-care, practicing mindfulness, and being gentle with myself, plus reminding myself that this is a temporary state helps on those days.

ETA: I see you responded to Icesong so just ignore my comments on that

Lostbasil said:

....He told me I could gain all the knowledge there is and it would not change the way I feel. That I want him all to myself, but that he loves me for who I am. But I do want to change the way I feel. I told him that. He suggests I stop trying to change myself and to enjoy who I am, that's the person he loves. I can't grasp this - I feel that if I don't change then I'll forever feel this pit of insecurity that I don't enjoy.

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Letting go of insecurities does not equal polyamory.
Embracing polyamory doesn't equal letting go of insecurities.

He is talking about poly and you are talking about insecurity. You can be monogamous and secure (independent of another's approval of you.) You can be poly and secure. You can be monogamous and insecure. You can be poly and insecure.

Lostbasil said:

I know what I want, just having trouble getting there.

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Welcome to the club. You're in good company.

As Pink Pig describes, all that's necessary is your intention to shift. You don't need earth shattering revelations, as she says, just a small and gradual gathering of thoughts that will eventually change your perspective on what "secure" feels like to you. This relationship is calling you toward that goal of "inner security" but progress you make is forever and always your own, never dependent on what another may or may not be doing. You really don't have to discuss your intention to feel more authentic security in order to see and maintain that progress. You certainly can share your joyful progress reports, but this is your adventure. Knowing this man is just inspiring your movement forward.

Galagirl, I appreciate your thoughts and advice on my situation. My marriage was essentially over years ago. It's only recently that I had found the strength to file and get him out. So while in some eyes it seems I have rushed into things, it doesn't feel that way to me. I wasn't out looking to get involved in a serious relationship. This relationship just happened, and for me, it's been a blessing. I would not want to stop the flow of things with him. I want only to make it better, for myself.

PinkPig, thank you so much for your thoughts and insight. I think I am feeling many of the same feelings you experienced. I've been trying to deconstruct my jealousy. I think I know what my triggers are, and areas to work on. But my biggest question is how? How do I work on them? I don't really know what the next step is....

FallenAngelina...you are wonderful!! This relationship has brought me an enormous amount of growth in a short period of time. But there is much more work for me to do.

Lostbasil said:

PinkPig, thank you so much for your thoughts and insight. I think I am feeling many of the same feelings you experienced. I've been trying to deconstruct my jealousy. I think I know what my triggers are, and areas to work on. But my biggest question is how? How do I work on them? I don't really know what the next step is....

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I started by looking at them logically. For the fear of replacement, that possibility is always there. In a mono relationship, one partner may fall in love with someone else or cheat, etc. Just shattering some of the common illusions of monogamy helped. Also, reminding myself that even if my partner left, I would still be ok makes a huge difference. I've been through breakups before and I survived, why wouldn't I think I would survive if this relationship ended? Would it suck? Sure, but life would go on and it would eventually stop sucking.

Also, reframing how I look at things helps. For the fear that another partner is better at x or prettier, smarter, etc, I just remind myself that Blue chose me. If he didn't enjoy doing x with me (regardless of what it's like when he does x with y), or if he didn't like me as a person, he wouldn't be with me. But, he is with me; therefore, he must enjoy spending time with me. I happen to think he's pretty great... if he didn't think I was pretty great, then he wouldn't be with me; therefore, I must be pretty great, too

And, when I'm stuck in a repetitive, obsessive thought pattern, I practice mindfulness. I have several different techniques but a few that I practice regularly are to just imagine a STOP sign in my head, yell the word stop in my head, and then choose something else to think about. Or, imagine the thought in a bubble and then watch it float away and then replace it with a new thought. When all else fails, I do something that requires my focus and/or physical energy like read a book, clean the house, go for a run. Anything to get me out of my head.

I was also in therapy when we met so that helped, too.

ETA: I forgot to add, I also remind myself that just because I think something, does not mean it's true!