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Old 05-30-2010, 03:49 AM
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fauxsisticated fauxsisticated is offline
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Default So I'm feeling like a giant hypocrite...

And I could really use some advice!

My fiancÚ (and primary partner) and I decided to open up our relationship some months back, for a number of reasons, but primarily because polyamory has always appealed to me, and I was seriously crushing on a female friend of mine. I told my fiancÚ when we first got together that I'm bi, (pansexual, really,) and I didn't believe monogamy would be sustainable for me in the longterm. After many talks over many months, we decided to try non-monogamy. I began seeing my female friend, and things were great for months. The two of them got along great, everything was blissful. Things did not work out with my friend, and I went on to continue looking around for girls to date. For a long time, my fiancÚ said he was not interested in dating other girls and was happy enough with me.

Recently, though, he's decided he wants to date other girls, too. We discussed this and I knew the day would come, and I've been sort of dreading it. I fear being replaced by another girl. I'm afraid he'll grow to love someone more than me, and I'll get dumped. I haven't been interested in dating other guys. I went on a date with one guy -- I only went cos my fiancÚ decided to start dating girls; a silly reason, I know -- the date didn't go well, not surprisingly.

The girl he's been talking to lately is a lot like me. We look a lot alike, are of the same body type, wear similar glasses, her name is even similar to mine. Part of me wouldn't mind it if he dated girls that were my polar opposite, especially if I thought they were more attractive. I would understand that. But a girl who's so much like me... It makes me feel especially insecure. She sent him a few texts when I was around, and to my own surprise, I got very jealous and angry with him. I don't want to be like that!

I also firmly believe I wouldn't mind in the least if he dated guys, but he's straight, and therefore not into it. My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't. I know it's a moot point, as he's flat out not into guys.

I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship. My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancÚ has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancÚ has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.

I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancÚ. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.

Ugh... I can't imagine this is all that unique of a situation. Any advice, veterans to the poly world? It'd be much appreciated!
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Old 05-30-2010, 04:20 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Right off the bat, I would say this isn't unique...ummm its oddly inversed. A number of initial poly situations start out with the guy accepting of the partner dating girls, but not guys....you might have the most unique situation I have read about, simply because of gender reversal...hmmm

Quote:
I also firmly believe I wouldn't mind in the least if he dated guys, but he's straight, and therefore not into it. My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't. I know it's a moot point, as he's flat out not into guys.
Well at least you know never to bring it up again. This point is virtual useless to mention. My wife would love me to do guys...ain't happening...

Quote:
I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship. My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancÚ has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancÚ has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.
All of these insecurities exist because you don't know...aren't sure...why not talk to the parties involved. You might be surprised to find she is open and understands and that poly clicked with him and he likes the idea. In all of its "potential" glory.

You want to get to know her?...so do it ...if she is similar to you, go do something you can both enjoy AND have a discussion...

Quote:
I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancÚ. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.
So you mentioned it, its a potential real rule that has real world application. He listened. Do you not trust him? Did he respond negatively? If he responded positively, you have to trust in your relationship with him. Has he done anything to create distrust...

You can see where I am going with that...

I am in a similarish situation...except I am the guy...
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Old 05-30-2010, 04:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
You want to get to know her?...so do it ...if she is similar to you, go do something you can both enjoy AND have a discussion...
I'm hoping we have more in common than just looks. The thought has of course crossed my mind that if he's into her and into me, we are probably people that would get along.



Quote:
Do you not trust him? Did he respond negatively? If he responded positively, you have to trust in your relationship with him. Has he done anything to create distrust...
He's very vague about things sometimes. He didn't promise he would use condoms, but I voiced my strong preference for him to do so. I told him I'd like him to have some on him when he goes to see her or any other girl, even if he doesn't anticipate the situation to turn sexual. In the past, he's not been so great about using them with me. He's fought me about it before. I know he doesn't particularly like using them, and I'm afraid if she doesn't insist, he won't do it. That's how it's been with me. There have been times when I probably should have insisted he use a condom, but didn't for some incredibly stupid reason, and we had sex anyway. I felt very foolish afterward.

I do have some trust issues here, and it is based on past behavior.

Last edited by fauxsisticated; 05-30-2010 at 04:35 AM.
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Old 05-30-2010, 08:36 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by fauxsisticated View Post
The girl he's been talking to lately is a lot like me. We look a lot alike, are of the same body type, wear similar glasses, her name is even similar to mine. Part of me wouldn't mind it if he dated girls that were my polar opposite, especially if I thought they were more attractive. I would understand that. But a girl who's so much like me... It makes me feel especially insecure. She sent him a few texts when I was around, and to my own surprise, I got very jealous and angry with him. I don't want to be like that!
Seems to imply that you and this girl are "his type" ... probably his exes are similar too. But no two people are identical, and there are things about you that he could never find in any other partner.

Although you say you would be fine if he was dating someone who was different from you, prettier... I frankly don't believe you :P We get a lot of people here who state those qualities as the reason for their insecurity.

But the truth is that insecurity is never "because" of something the other person is doing. Those actions just bring out something that is inside yourself.

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My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't.
Here's something you can't offer him: being more than one person If he has a desire for variety, then no matter how fantastic you are, it would never "be enough."

What you're saying boils down to this: It's ok for you to date whoever you want, because you only want to date girls. It's not ok for your fiance to date whoever he wants, because he wants to date girls.

Quote:
I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship.
This is very smart and definitely the best way to boost your confidence in your fiance's decision. Is there any reason why this is not a possibility?

Quote:
My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancÚ has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancÚ has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.
You're marrying the guy, give him some credit! Your best tool here is communication, communication, communication. Talk to him a lot, talk to her a lot. If you're close to both of them, you'll pick up on that kind of behaviour early enough to bring it out into the open. Perhaps the old song, "If you love something, you have to let it go and see if it comes back, to know that it truly loves you too." ... meaning, if you go down this road and he does ultimately leave you for another woman, then you're probably saving yourself the trouble of being abandoned later in your marriage. Because any person who would do that would do it in monogamy as well.

Quote:
I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancÚ. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.
Couldn't possibly agree more! Personally, I would never have no-condom sex outside my marriage, no matter how close I was to someone. And in this case, if you already suspect that she might be trying to steal your guy, then you clearly don't trust her enough to believe she's using condoms. That's fine, you don't have to trust anyone if you don't want to.

I know one married couple who has extramarital sex, and they always use condoms with each other. They laugh at the phrase "fluid-bonded" and believe that the only way to be 100% safe in non-monogamy is for everyone to always use condoms every time. Just another way to roll...

You have every right to say that one of your boundaries within polyamory is to always use latex barriers. Just remember, that also means dental dams between you and your girlfriends!!!
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Old 05-30-2010, 02:06 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Faux,

Well, a lot of fear surfacing here eh ?
Don't worry - seems to be pretty human reaction to the unknown

All I'll offer is this. And I hope it doesn't sound trite because it's not. Just realistic - based on how the world truly is.

If we start out building a house and we have little or no experience in that, we are naturally afraid that in the end it may all come tumbling down. Natural. What you have to be afraid of though, is that your distraction from the fear actually causes you to do shoddy work along the way ! Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy !
Focus on the quality as you go. Be loving, honest, build a QUALITY relationship(s). Build a quality YOU ! The house - and the relationship(s) - will stand the test of time. It's really the only way.

GS
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Old 05-31-2010, 04:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fauxsisticated View Post
He's very vague about things sometimes. He didn't promise he would use condoms, but I voiced my strong preference for him to do so. I told him I'd like him to have some on him when he goes to see her or any other girl, even if he doesn't anticipate the situation to turn sexual. In the past, he's not been so great about using them with me. He's fought me about it before. I know he doesn't particularly like using them, and I'm afraid if she doesn't insist, he won't do it. That's how it's been with me. There have been times when I probably should have insisted he use a condom, but didn't for some incredibly stupid reason, and we had sex anyway. I felt very foolish afterward.

I do have some trust issues here, and it is based on past behavior.
It seems that the number one deal breaker and poly rule/boundary is safe sex. Like the BDSM world, if a person becomes known as someone who is not practicing safe sex, then they can easily be ostracized. Just a thought, but poly communities can become very tight when one has screwed up and hasn't been practicing proper poly etiquette. Poly communities are small to begin with usually, word gets around when a guy is not that big on condoms.
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Old 05-31-2010, 07:46 AM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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Default i'm pretty sure pansexual people are like the evolved bi people

I'm pansexual too...i might write you sometime as i don't know anyone else like me in that way personally, kudos!


I have a lot to say, but i'm gonna snuggle with my g/f in a few minutes so...

1. Tell his bitch-ass to wrap it up!
2. Sincerity is the antonym of hypocrisy...learn it
3. Same sex relationships are harder, and it's fair to ask him to take and slow as long as you work on your issues, and maybe set some veto rules in case the other girl turns out a disaster!
4. You're awesome Be truthful, honest, and loving and it'll work out. GL!


peace and love,
-gabe
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:17 PM
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I identify as pansexual rpcrazy....
there those amongst us
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:54 PM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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getting to know the other girl definitely makes it easier. just make sure to be welcoming the first time since she's got a lot more to be nervous of since you're the fiancee. plus if you're both is type then you may very well get along as was mentioned.

also i identify as pansexual too!
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Old 05-31-2010, 07:59 PM
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A lot of your concerns and fears are the same thing that I feel and go through. Though I'm not the one that first mentioned polyamory. My husband is also bi and I am straight. I know when we first dated I always told him that he was more than welcomed to have a boyfriend because I was not something I could give him. Though he never took me up on it he has always been completely devoted to me.

I'm not totally closed down to the idea of being poly though I think that your primary relationship must be strong before you could venture off outside that. Our discussions have mostly ended as we think when we are ready another couple would probably be the best for us.

Being how you are bi would you consider a girlfriend for the both of you? Not just his or yours but one girl for the both of you? As in anything communication and respect must there and remember that you and your fiance are the primary.
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