Knowing your audience

[ourquad]

Did you take the easy way out? In my opinion, absolutely not! But does it matter? The way you took appears to have been successful and isn't that the most important thing?

Great for you!!!

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Did I take the easy way out? Perhaps but I was concerned about explaining the healthy dynamic of my life and not about promoting any ideal.

I wouldn't think of it as an "easy way out" at all.

I know a lot of science, and science has a lot of very specific terms. Some of those terms have "common english" definitions that are quite different from the "scientific" definition. If I want to explain science to a layperson, it would be silly to use words they won't understand.

Using words that people don't understand does not promote communication, it just makes the speaker feel smart, and the listener feel confused.

I think that by using words they understand, you did the smart thing. And besides, even if it "the easy way" ... I've never seen the value in doing something the hard way if there's an easy way. That's just stupid.

[idealist]

I used the words "ethical non-monogamy" tonight when talking to a guy that I'm attracted to and he responded well to it!!! No one knows what polyamory is down here in the conservative South. I like the idea of speaking to people in terminology that they can understand......it's good common sense!!!

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I will admit they stumped me when they asked how someone could "love" two people at once. I don't know how to explain that so I simply told them I see it in some people's eyes including Redpepper's'. I didn't even go into the often used "you can love more than one child" because the majority of people I know including my parents don't see that love as the same kind of love for a sexual partner...sorry to make it about sex Again I focussed on what I saw as opposed to trying to convince them; trying to would have done more harm then good because I wouldn't be speaking from a place of true feeling but from a place of observation of how others can be.


Basically the whole conversation went very smoothly and we covered a lot of information because we spoke the same language. I didn't try to teach them a new one before getting to what they really wanted to hear.

Did I take the easy way out? Perhaps but I was concerned about explaining the healthy dynamic of my life and not about promoting any ideal.

Would I have been a champion of the the poly community? Nope. I'll leave that up to the theorists and activists.

Did I give my family an understandable and believable example of something beyond traditional monogamous relationships…yes I did.

The result is my family has come to have a better understanding of my relationship with Redpepper. Even though they have known about my chosen family for over a year, they now accept them purely as my family.

This made me smile soooooo big! It is exciting to read...again kind of like watching a movie. I am so happy for you Mono. Relief to have acceptance is precious!

I wonder if one were to explain loving more than one person as possible because each of us is unique. When you look at one person as you do (RedPepper) and see the beautiful energy she brings to your life, you love how she lives her life, relates to you as well as others and takes care of everyone in her life, how could you not love her? It can be negated just because you were married to someone else who has similar light but different qualities and just as powerful an energy for you? I mean how do you not love someone that touches you in some intimate, special way? How can you not explore it to its fullest? How do you turn the switch off because you are already involved with someone you love? I don't understand how people can walk away from a really remarkable person especially after they find out there is a connection and say well that relationship can't happen because I am not allowed- because THEY said I am not allowed to love more than one at a time. This has been such a struggle. It is very painful to not be able to enjoy or realize a relationship because of timing or legal impositions or unnatural but indoctrinated practices. Who said love has a limit? Seriously who is the guy that came up with that BS?

Anyway I am happy for you in a serene but buzzed way!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

I wonder if one were to explain loving more than one person as possible because each of us is unique.

If it really doesn't make sense to me than how could I expect anyone else to understand it?

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

It can be negated just because you were married to someone else who has similar light but different qualities and just as powerful an energy for you? I mean how do you not love someone that touches you in some intimate, special way? How can you not explore it to its fullest? How do you turn the switch off because you are already involved with someone you love?

Sorry MG, but this is how I work and how many people like me work. One love replaces another. Yes I could still be married and love someone else....but I would have to fall out of love with my wife first. I've never had overlaps of intimate love. To explore another relationship to it's fullest (assuming I relate sexual intimacy as the "fullest extent" which I don't), would mean I no longer love Redpepper as a lover but am with her for external reasons..i.e. housing, family stability, old age security etc.

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

I don't understand how people can walk away from a really remarkable person especially after they find out there is a connection and say well that relationship can't happen because I am not allowed

This would require a desire and ability to maintain intimate connections with more than one person as I define "intimate" which refers to lovers.

A lot of people don't live under the impression that they are not allowed to pursue other relationships....they don't want to.

The common misconception of monogamy is that it is possession based. "You belong to me" so to speak. Actually the vows of monogamy are felt and spoken as "I give myself to you". Whatever legalities it implies are secondary to the exclusive nature of the commitment.

For some love is unlimited, for others it is. My love is limited, Redpepper's is not. There's no right or wrong in this...just difference.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

One love replaces another. Yes I could still be married and love someone else....but I would have to fall out of love with my wife first. I've never had overlaps of intimate love. To explore another relationship to it's fullest would mean I no longer love Redpepper as a lover but am with her for external reasons..i.e. housing, family stability, old age security etc.


This would require a desire and ability to maintain intimate connections with more than one person as I define "intimate" which refers to lovers.


For some love is unlimited, for others it is. My love is limited, Redpepper's is not. There's no right or wrong in this...just difference.

The above sentences caught me. No right or wrong but replaceable love is a scary concept for me, as if it can have an expiration date or in its limitations doomed especially in a mono/poly situation. This really makes me kind of sad and anxious. Not your intent I am sure, but then again my brain is not wired as yours is.

So anyway, I am happy for you in your family situation, and the eventual move! Very happy to hear that development. Have a good weekend. And thank you for your insight. It always helps me think in a different way.

[redpepper]

Believe me MG it scares and saddens me too sometimes. This is how it tends to be in mono relationships though. Its how Mono is.

He really did fall out of love with his wife when he had his affair. I just have to trust and go with what I see his actions to be in order to know I am loved by him.

Actions speak louder than anything to me. I need to be loved in actions. I need to know the world is safe for me to invest in by peoples actions. When I am actively not loved by him I will know he needs to move on.

It would break my heart but I understand now that our friendship also runs deep for him. I am his best friend and that to me means the world. That is what will keep us to our last breath because that is who he is. I trust that he won't abandon me just because he has fallen out of love wit me. I can't ask for anything more. For me its my love for him that will be until we die, for him its friendship. I can handle that. I have to handle that! I love him...

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

He really did fall out of love with his wife when he had his affair. .

I fell out of love before I had the affair. I loved my wife as a friend and partner but I was not "in love" with her. If I was "in love" with her there would not have been a window of opportunity for a new relationship to form. Replace was a bad word to use in my earlier comment.

One connection ended which opened up the possibility of a new connection. One did not replace the other. There was no intimate love to replace when I started the affair. Keep in mind my affair was also the result of a very lost mind and misunderstandning of sex and connection. I was a mess and it took six month of intense counselling to get to the root of why I acted the way I did.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

The common misconception of monogamy is that it is possession based. "You belong to me" so to speak. Actually the vows of monogamy are felt and spoken as "I give myself to you". Whatever legalities it implies are secondary to the exclusive nature of the commitment.

This is a really strong statement. I totally get it! Because, to say "you belong to me" doesn't preclude "many people belonging to me" and therefore is not exclusively monogamous. But you can only give yourself to one person, otherwise you're sharing yourself with multiple people.

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

The above sentences caught me. No right or wrong but replaceable love is a scary concept for me, as if it can have an expiration date or in its limitations doomed especially in a mono/poly situation. This really makes me kind of sad and anxious. Not your intent I am sure, but then again my brain is not wired as yours is.

Polyamorous love can have an expiry date just as easily. Not all love lasts forever, period. The "multiplicity" of that love is irrelevant.

And tell ourselves what we want, but there is always the possibility that as partners, we truly are not living up to our full potential, and that through polyamory, our partners may discover that other people can treat them much better, and may realize that we don't treat them very well.

We tell ourselves that polyamory is so great because if your partner meets someone amazing, they "don't have to" leave you to be with them. But what if this amazing person makes them realize that you're sort of a jerk, that they deserve to be treated better, and since they found someone who already does so, what's the point in waiting around for you to change?

I believe that the thing that makes my marriage so great is that we both really want the other person to be happy and we both do everything in our reasonable power to make it so. We don't always succeed, hey we're human. But we both try, and we know that the other is trying, and that makes it worth the occasional struggles.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

Polyamorous love can have an expiry date just as easily. Not all love lasts forever, period. The "multiplicity" of that love is irrelevant.

And tell ourselves what we want, but there is always the possibility that as partners, we truly are not living up to our full potential, and that through polyamory, our partners may discover that other people can treat them much better, and may realize that we don't treat them very well.
We tell ourselves that polyamory is so great because if your partner meets someone amazing, they "don't have to" leave you to be with them. But what if this amazing person makes them realize that you're sort of a jerk, that they deserve to be treated better, and since they found someone who already does so, what's the point in waiting around for you to change?

I believe that the thing that makes my marriage so great is that we both really want the other person to be happy and we both do everything in our reasonable power to make it so. We don't always succeed, hey we're human. But we both try, and we know that the other is trying, and that makes it worth the occasional struggles.

Yes I guess you are right in that poly love is not immune to expiration but if you are poly then the likelyhood of you falling out of love with someone you are committed to is unlikely just because you have the ability to explore relationships with others while keeping that current lover/spouse. Expiration is not exclusive to monogamy but it is certainly more common to have love end because of the need to have it do so in a monogamous situation before you can have the capacity to love another- marriage decline and divorce rates kind of prove that, right? Also, just to get back to the topic of the thread, the reason poly marriages/relationships are so great is that it is completely based on making your partner happy in just about every kind of imaginable way, and feeling real satisfaction in not only being a part of his/her happiness but also in just witnessing it. Just my opinion. Talk on.