There's a word for it?...

Love Eddie Izzard!! What are your concerns?

Yeah, he was great!


My concerns... well, I just don't think that making this a true triad in on the radar. Like I said, I have talked to my wife who is respectful of my desire but isn't keen on the idea, at least at this point. .. her gf has not been made aware of it from either of us. I have wondered if she has any idea but I really don't know. I am close to the gf so perhaps it is a discussion that the two of us should have. I am mostly afraid of doing the wrong thing & not being able to undo it... I would rather do nothing if it screws up what is in place now... hb
 
Yeah, he was great!


My concerns... well, I just don't think that making this a true triad in on the radar. Like I said, I have talked to my wife who is respectful of my desire but isn't keen on the idea, at least at this point. .. her gf has not been made aware of it from either of us. I have wondered if she has any idea but I really don't know. I am close to the gf so perhaps it is a discussion that the two of us should have. I am mostly afraid of doing the wrong thing & not being able to undo it... I would rather do nothing if it screws up what is in place now... hb

You never know. I think that any conversations you have need to be with your wife first. Remember, things have to go along the time lines of the person who's least comfy. You've already said that you're taking it as it comes and I completely think that's the best course of action. It took my wife and I 6 years before we got to the point where we could invite someone into our home and our marriage. While the wait seemed like forever, it was totally worth it. :)

You can't do the wrong thing if you talk about it with your wife. That's why I'm such a fan of communication. You know exactly where she stands and how she feels and the same can be said about you. Honesty is the best policy and that's even more so in a poly relationship.
 
I have to say Caprica, in many ways your 'poly' experience sounds similar to my own. Happily married, involved with a friend of both of ours.

We are not a formal triad by any stretch of the imagination, but it works so well (most days, unless me or my friend are feeling emotional then it gets dicey). We also are not in an 'out' poly relationship. We have not shared with anyone really.I agree just taking it day by , and following the natural progression is the best way to go. It will have it's up & downs but I think any relationship does.

So far we have had our situation for a year and a half with no major issues.
After 17 months of an emotional and physical relationship with my friend, I just started coming to terms with the whole 'poly' thing about 6 months ago. Until then I just tortured myself. I think if you stay honest, about what you and your spouse both want and let it progress it will be fine.

Good Luck to you!
 
thnks for your input danny & texaschick...

I really don't know what else I can do to push it along so I won't. My wife knows how I feel & I really can't do much more than that right now. Like I said she isn't especially keen on the idea right now & I haven't a clue how our friend feels about me except that we get along very well. It is difficult for me not knowing if our friend would be accepting of a triad relationship, along with my wife's position. If it was just time, then bring it on!, but I don't even know if the interest is there... I am starting to face the fact that my wife does not want a true triad relationship & I will have to accept it. I wish she really understood what a positive experience the idea has been for me. hb
 
thnks for your input danny & texaschick...

I really don't know what else I can do to push it along so I won't

I think this is the best course of action. If you push the issue your wife may think you have ulterior motives.
 
I think this is the best course of action. If you push the issue your wife may think you have ulterior motives.

Yes... I think once I settle down a bit emotionaly I will be able to stay the course. I must say that at present, it is a good situation. I would just like to see it "grow" down the road. hb
 
Hello and thanks for your story

This thread has given me a lot to think about, so thanks for that. While our situations are not quite the same, you have given me insight on how my husband may be feeling about a lady in our lives.

He, like you, is supportive of my relationship with her, but it is clear he is just waiting for the word to share that with us. When we all first started talking about the possibilities, we all kissed and cuddled together, and it was wonderful, but it wasn't quite right yet. She and I did lots of talking after that and have grown very close and developed hard-won trust between us, that has blossomed into a physical relationship. It's terrible how women are taught to be in constant combat with each other, and I think that has a lot to do with it.

The advice you've been getting would be right on if it were about my situation. I know my husband longs for that closeness with us together, but I think I need time to settle in, because it's such an emotional ride being so loved by him and not wanting to threaten our beautiful marriage, being so wanted by her in a way I've never been mature enough to appreciate before
and at the same time coming to terms with their attraction for each other- it's a lot.

Have fun with it. There are lots of creative ways you can experience the passion between them. And it is very important to not only tell, but show her that you are supportive of and turned on by the connection you feel to both of them. It blows my mind more than anything else when my husband sincerely supports my journey and is excited about it, because he trusts me to keep him safe and well loved.
 
rarechild, thanks. I very much appretiate you sharing your story... it does help, especially coming from another perspective.

My wife just isn't ready to see me with another woman, even if it's her girlfriend/my good friend. She didn't rule it out in the future but I am afraid that my chance may have come & gone... or will come & go... make sense? just don't know. Although it has been a great experience for me, I have had difficult days emotionally & have found it hard to hide. ...working on it.

I am planning a two+ day motorbike trip to get away & clear my head. I think it will do me wonders to get away from the situation & be able to reflect on it without distractions..

And, I will take your advice & continue to treat them well as I have been all along.

...hb
 
Just a question. Have you been talking to your wife about your feelings? As the feelings come up?
 
Just a question. Have you been talking to your wife about your feelings? As the feelings come up?

Yes I have. I first informed her of my fondness for our friend a few weeks ago & have discussed it a few times since, sometimes with frustrating results for me. The last time we discussed it was about a week ago or so... before that I was beating around the bush somewhat but the last talk I was able to "say it".. "I want the three of us to have a more intimate relationship".

This was a breakthrough for me. It felt good to "spit it out".. lol. My wife is an awsome gal & she was very understanding, however I still think that we aren't on the same page ... yet. I explained to her that it was about the three of us & not me wandering off into another relationship. We agreed to let things evolve naturally. Still though, I don't think that she currently has any interest in my involvement as a triad relationship... I hope that time & my patients will pay off ...hb
 
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You say that you don't "think" that she's on the same page. What has she told you? Is she ok with expressing her feelings about this to you?

Congrats on being able to finally spit it out. I know how tough that can be at times, and I also know how AMAZING it feels when you can really really be honest with your spouse. It's to the point where people tell us that we tell each other TOO much, which of course is just silly to us. I'm not sure there's such a thing as too much communication in a relationship.
 
You say that you don't "think" that she's on the same page. What has she told you? Is she ok with expressing her feelings about this to you?

Congrats on being able to finally spit it out. I know how tough that can be at times, and I also know how AMAZING it feels when you can really really be honest with your spouse. It's to the point where people tell us that we tell each other TOO much, which of course is just silly to us. I'm not sure there's such a thing as too much communication in a relationship.

My wife has said that she isn't crazy about the idea of seeing me with another woman. She has also said a couple times early on that perhaps it is something that she needs to work on & can get over. I think that that statement may have set me up to hope... She knew that I was intrigued by the two of them but my discussion about wanting to be more intimate... lets just say that she didn't say much to give me that hope except to let it evolve naturally.

At his time I don't know if I should sit down with her & really get it out to her of what I want, or sit back & leave it be.

BTW... This really began with the two of them. I was the husband who was ok with it & was glad to be secure enough to give my blessing. Their affection for each other was not hidden from me & as time went on I became more attracted to the "situation".. now here I am, wanting in...lol.
 
Hmmm. Quite a situation you're in. My only concern is that it seems that you've done a good job of understanding your wife's poly needs and the relationship that she has with her friend, while she doesn't seem to be extending the same courtesy to you. Now I know that you said that it started with her friend and you were supportive, but is your wife truly trying to see things from your perspective or just hoping that you'll eventually just stop asking?

Please don't think I'm making assumptions about your wife as I don't know her. Just asking questions as they come up in my head.
 
Yes, I have considered that she'll hope that I stop asking... so I have. We only really dicussed my true intentions a couple times.

My main concern is that if I stop bringing up my hopeful involvemrnt to her, it'll fade, or if I do bring it up that it'll jepordise the possibility. hmmmm... :confused:
 
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well you've had some great input so far so I'll let you off the hook this time...lol.

Honestly, to put things into perspective, this is, as I said from the begining, a wonderful journey no matter what & I am greatful for that.

I feel like I have just gone through the first emotional hurdle & better things are to come, whatever shape they take. I want to calm down & proccess things for a while... in other words, save me from myself lol.

I took a good look at the "compersion" thread last night... although I am in that realm already, reading about other's experiences gave me some much needed inner peace... hb
 
I want to voice some person issues with your predicament

I'm glad you've attained peace, friend :)

What i've noticed about your situation and many like it, is that in this horrible taboo-ish, grey-ish area, "alternative", things gets so mucked up it pisses me off!!!!

The idea i'm talking about, in your case, is the idea that women(and men have in some cases) think that it's ok for them to have a same sex, meaningful, loving, and/or intimate relationship with another woman because in their mind it's still not...real...or something like that. I see it all the time. Women will express that they're BI to their husbands or whatever, all the the while knowing that they've wanted a more soft intimate relationship with women for a long time, usually because women understand women better. So they go about telling their husband this. Naturally the way it plays out is, if the husband allows it, the woman has her cake and eats it too. She has her "security" in her husband, and her intimate relationship with the other girl.
I see it all the time in the lesbian community...the girl will have a boyfriend(or husband) and then a girlfriend. But if you can read people at all, you can tell the female relationship is like TONS deeper than opposite gender relationships.

Now, i'm not saying this is the case, all the time. In my last example, that was mainly displayed in the lesbian community(so if you think about it makes sense). But I feel the same amount of injustice is displayed in MOST OF THESE SITUATIONS, poly, swinging, or any other alternative style. I think it's a complete double standard that when the PARTNER says, "well, i'd like to be involved" then the SLEW of excuses comes up!!!

"i'm not comfortable seeing you with another girl/guy"
"sex to me is important, and same gender sex isn't the same..."
or when a guy says to his girl that wants to date other men too....
"I feel that would ruin out relationship because i feel threatened"

And a bunch of other such silliness. I don't know...i just don't like it, i don't get it. I expect fairness, equality, and reciprocity in real loving relationships. And this idea does not show that, it does not show love or empathy, or understanding. ARGH!
 
Thanks for your insight rpcrazy...

Well, my wife & I had another conversation on the topic last evening. You are right... she does view her & her girlfriend in some sort of justifiable light & feels it is different from what my involvement would be... even after I explained that it is less of a physical attatchment & more of an emotional one for me. Also that it has made our love (wife & me) stronger, more intimate, etc... & she has noticed a very positive change in me too.

After I came to the conclusion that my wife really does not want me to be involved on an intimate level as a triad relationship, I asked her to remember one thing... "This journey has made me a better person.. made me feel better about myself, think of what it has done for me & our relationship?" I also said to her that "If you could get inside my head to truely feel what I am feeling, there is NO threat to you"... you get the idea.

I want them to continue & I will remain her gf's good friend.. but, there is a whole future out there waiting to be lived...;) ...hb..
 
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I have experienced something of what you say rpc in the lesbian community. Man it's changed since I was lesbian identified for 10 years in the 90's, early 2000's. For me back then it was not cocks allowed ever, so lesbians would hide that they still desired men and now a lot of them are married to men and have kids... longing for women again. Ahem, like I did, luckily for me I stayed true to my non-monogamous nature and have never identified as monogamous since coming out of my marriage to my ex-wife. Nerdist joined our relationship back in the day, that is how I met him....

Anyways, in terms of the discussion at hand, I would be very careful to express my desire for one of Nerdists partners. I know if Nerdist was falling for Derby I would be very uncomfortable and a little put off... what women have together is different. A different type of depth and connection all together. Not just because different people are involved, but different hormones entirely. Adding male hormones to that changes things drastically. I would be very cautious about opening that up. I have learned this from adding Nerdist to the marriage I had with my ex-wife.

When I was a lesbian I had a different body. I literally had a different level of hormones going through me than I do now. I find it hard to explain, but as soon as cum entered my body and I was in the presence intimately with a man my body changed... that hormonal energy is there with Derby and that is precious to me. It's what has been missing in my life. Perhaps your wife feels like this.

When I have been involved with my tersiary lover (he is only tersiary sexually, not in my heart) and nerdist there is a distinct male hormonal energy as they have sex, as it has been in threesomes with Mono and Nerdist, even if they were not involved sexually. It's completely different than womens hormonal energy. I revel in it and roll around in that male energy, so to speak and for what it is...

I totally get, from this stand point that your wife is not interested in you messing with the energy that is between her and her girlfriend and really, I think at some point she might even get cranky with you bringing it up. At least I would.

Maybe this just isn't going to fly at all and you need to go and find someone that you can invest in on your own. That wouldn't be so bad would it? As you say, you are a changed man and perhaps have a whole range of things to offer another woman.
 
@redpepper

In a way...you sort of said that men taint women, hahaha. you know, you're right though....your explanation of energy sort of hits home. You've managed to soothe my feelings of injustice for this ideal. At least it explains why it's a difficult subject vs. what I previously thought. I've done a lot of research of the phenomenon of energy, and I can relate to what you're talking about.

On the other hand...I still feel there's something unfair about the situations that were presented in the previous posts. I mean, what you went through and felt involving a different feminine energy makes perfect sense. But, it only seems to apply in situations where that energy would be cut off; like spending time together, or sexual experience, and things like that. What if Derby was BI and had that obvious male-influenced hormonal energy as well? Would it then be less difficult if Nerdist fell for derby?

Going back to a Vee -> Triad scenario though; why wouldn't it be possible for B to at least have a dense connection to "C" without interrupting B and C's relationship? 3 best friends, don't spend all their time with each other. They hang out with each other individually and all together as well.

Idk...but at least seeing your perspective opened my eyes a bit. I supposed it's a bit more complicated.
 
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