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  #31  
Old 05-26-2010, 08:42 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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You say that you don't "think" that she's on the same page. What has she told you? Is she ok with expressing her feelings about this to you?

Congrats on being able to finally spit it out. I know how tough that can be at times, and I also know how AMAZING it feels when you can really really be honest with your spouse. It's to the point where people tell us that we tell each other TOO much, which of course is just silly to us. I'm not sure there's such a thing as too much communication in a relationship.
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  #32  
Old 05-26-2010, 09:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
You say that you don't "think" that she's on the same page. What has she told you? Is she ok with expressing her feelings about this to you?

Congrats on being able to finally spit it out. I know how tough that can be at times, and I also know how AMAZING it feels when you can really really be honest with your spouse. It's to the point where people tell us that we tell each other TOO much, which of course is just silly to us. I'm not sure there's such a thing as too much communication in a relationship.
My wife has said that she isn't crazy about the idea of seeing me with another woman. She has also said a couple times early on that perhaps it is something that she needs to work on & can get over. I think that that statement may have set me up to hope... She knew that I was intrigued by the two of them but my discussion about wanting to be more intimate... lets just say that she didn't say much to give me that hope except to let it evolve naturally.

At his time I don't know if I should sit down with her & really get it out to her of what I want, or sit back & leave it be.

BTW... This really began with the two of them. I was the husband who was ok with it & was glad to be secure enough to give my blessing. Their affection for each other was not hidden from me & as time went on I became more attracted to the "situation".. now here I am, wanting in...lol.
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  #33  
Old 05-26-2010, 09:26 PM
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Hmmm. Quite a situation you're in. My only concern is that it seems that you've done a good job of understanding your wife's poly needs and the relationship that she has with her friend, while she doesn't seem to be extending the same courtesy to you. Now I know that you said that it started with her friend and you were supportive, but is your wife truly trying to see things from your perspective or just hoping that you'll eventually just stop asking?

Please don't think I'm making assumptions about your wife as I don't know her. Just asking questions as they come up in my head.
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  #34  
Old 05-26-2010, 10:32 PM
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Yes, I have considered that she'll hope that I stop asking... so I have. We only really dicussed my true intentions a couple times.

My main concern is that if I stop bringing up my hopeful involvemrnt to her, it'll fade, or if I do bring it up that it'll jepordise the possibility. hmmmm...

Last edited by caprica; 05-27-2010 at 04:07 AM.
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  #35  
Old 05-27-2010, 03:24 PM
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I wish I had a better solution for you, but alas I don't. Just keep talking with her about where she's at. Good luck.
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  #36  
Old 05-27-2010, 03:52 PM
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well you've had some great input so far so I'll let you off the hook this time...lol.

Honestly, to put things into perspective, this is, as I said from the begining, a wonderful journey no matter what & I am greatful for that.

I feel like I have just gone through the first emotional hurdle & better things are to come, whatever shape they take. I want to calm down & proccess things for a while... in other words, save me from myself lol.

I took a good look at the "compersion" thread last night... although I am in that realm already, reading about other's experiences gave me some much needed inner peace... hb
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  #37  
Old 05-28-2010, 05:06 PM
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Default I want to voice some person issues with your predicament

I'm glad you've attained peace, friend

What i've noticed about your situation and many like it, is that in this horrible taboo-ish, grey-ish area, "alternative", things gets so mucked up it pisses me off!!!!

The idea i'm talking about, in your case, is the idea that women(and men have in some cases) think that it's ok for them to have a same sex, meaningful, loving, and/or intimate relationship with another woman because in their mind it's still not...real...or something like that. I see it all the time. Women will express that they're BI to their husbands or whatever, all the the while knowing that they've wanted a more soft intimate relationship with women for a long time, usually because women understand women better. So they go about telling their husband this. Naturally the way it plays out is, if the husband allows it, the woman has her cake and eats it too. She has her "security" in her husband, and her intimate relationship with the other girl.
I see it all the time in the lesbian community...the girl will have a boyfriend(or husband) and then a girlfriend. But if you can read people at all, you can tell the female relationship is like TONS deeper than opposite gender relationships.

Now, i'm not saying this is the case, all the time. In my last example, that was mainly displayed in the lesbian community(so if you think about it makes sense). But I feel the same amount of injustice is displayed in MOST OF THESE SITUATIONS, poly, swinging, or any other alternative style. I think it's a complete double standard that when the PARTNER says, "well, i'd like to be involved" then the SLEW of excuses comes up!!!

"i'm not comfortable seeing you with another girl/guy"
"sex to me is important, and same gender sex isn't the same..."
or when a guy says to his girl that wants to date other men too....
"I feel that would ruin out relationship because i feel threatened"

And a bunch of other such silliness. I don't know...i just don't like it, i don't get it. I expect fairness, equality, and reciprocity in real loving relationships. And this idea does not show that, it does not show love or empathy, or understanding. ARGH!
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  #38  
Old 05-28-2010, 06:29 PM
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Thanks for your insight rpcrazy...

Well, my wife & I had another conversation on the topic last evening. You are right... she does view her & her girlfriend in some sort of justifiable light & feels it is different from what my involvement would be... even after I explained that it is less of a physical attatchment & more of an emotional one for me. Also that it has made our love (wife & me) stronger, more intimate, etc... & she has noticed a very positive change in me too.

After I came to the conclusion that my wife really does not want me to be involved on an intimate level as a triad relationship, I asked her to remember one thing... "This journey has made me a better person.. made me feel better about myself, think of what it has done for me & our relationship?" I also said to her that "If you could get inside my head to truely feel what I am feeling, there is NO threat to you"... you get the idea.

I want them to continue & I will remain her gf's good friend.. but, there is a whole future out there waiting to be lived... ...hb..

Last edited by caprica; 06-10-2010 at 09:03 PM.
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  #39  
Old 05-28-2010, 07:10 PM
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I have experienced something of what you say rpc in the lesbian community. Man it's changed since I was lesbian identified for 10 years in the 90's, early 2000's. For me back then it was not cocks allowed ever, so lesbians would hide that they still desired men and now a lot of them are married to men and have kids... longing for women again. Ahem, like I did, luckily for me I stayed true to my non-monogamous nature and have never identified as monogamous since coming out of my marriage to my ex-wife. Nerdist joined our relationship back in the day, that is how I met him....

Anyways, in terms of the discussion at hand, I would be very careful to express my desire for one of Nerdists partners. I know if Nerdist was falling for Derby I would be very uncomfortable and a little put off... what women have together is different. A different type of depth and connection all together. Not just because different people are involved, but different hormones entirely. Adding male hormones to that changes things drastically. I would be very cautious about opening that up. I have learned this from adding Nerdist to the marriage I had with my ex-wife.

When I was a lesbian I had a different body. I literally had a different level of hormones going through me than I do now. I find it hard to explain, but as soon as cum entered my body and I was in the presence intimately with a man my body changed... that hormonal energy is there with Derby and that is precious to me. It's what has been missing in my life. Perhaps your wife feels like this.

When I have been involved with my tersiary lover (he is only tersiary sexually, not in my heart) and nerdist there is a distinct male hormonal energy as they have sex, as it has been in threesomes with Mono and Nerdist, even if they were not involved sexually. It's completely different than womens hormonal energy. I revel in it and roll around in that male energy, so to speak and for what it is...

I totally get, from this stand point that your wife is not interested in you messing with the energy that is between her and her girlfriend and really, I think at some point she might even get cranky with you bringing it up. At least I would.

Maybe this just isn't going to fly at all and you need to go and find someone that you can invest in on your own. That wouldn't be so bad would it? As you say, you are a changed man and perhaps have a whole range of things to offer another woman.
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  #40  
Old 05-28-2010, 08:24 PM
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@redpepper

In a way...you sort of said that men taint women, hahaha. you know, you're right though....your explanation of energy sort of hits home. You've managed to soothe my feelings of injustice for this ideal. At least it explains why it's a difficult subject vs. what I previously thought. I've done a lot of research of the phenomenon of energy, and I can relate to what you're talking about.

On the other hand...I still feel there's something unfair about the situations that were presented in the previous posts. I mean, what you went through and felt involving a different feminine energy makes perfect sense. But, it only seems to apply in situations where that energy would be cut off; like spending time together, or sexual experience, and things like that. What if Derby was BI and had that obvious male-influenced hormonal energy as well? Would it then be less difficult if Nerdist fell for derby?

Going back to a Vee -> Triad scenario though; why wouldn't it be possible for B to at least have a dense connection to "C" without interrupting B and C's relationship? 3 best friends, don't spend all their time with each other. They hang out with each other individually and all together as well.

Idk...but at least seeing your perspective opened my eyes a bit. I supposed it's a bit more complicated.
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