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  #81  
Old 05-23-2010, 12:36 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm new to this site so I don't know your back ground but your post has made me wonder whether it's just going to be all too hard and maybe I should just cut my losses and find myself a nice mono man.
The part I highlighted stands out to me as a cause for concern. The way it's phrased makes it sound like you need to be in a relationship to be happy. You'll be much better off if you look to yourself and only yourself to provide your happiness. If this relationship prevents you from making yourself happy, then you can decide to make yourself happy by leaving it. And if you find yourself a nice mono man, bonus!

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If my partner is anything to go by you guys do stuff up at times by either taking the situation for granted or in subtle ways trying to push out agreed to parameters. Is this really any different to jealousy?
Yes, it's really different to jealousy. Taking your partner for granted and trying to manipulate her to get out of agreements... that's just being a jerk - a condition of which monogamous people are just as capable as poly folk.
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  #82  
Old 05-26-2010, 09:44 AM
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Default happiness comes from within

Hi
Thanks for your response it reminded me of what so many people told me while I was married ....happiness comes from within. That statement kept me stuck for a lot longer than necessary but your response prompted me to think about it and put up a post on my blog Happiness comes from Within...Yeah Right! xwifez.com
I think the truth is that the ability to create your own happiness comes from within .

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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
The part I highlighted stands out to me as a cause for concern. The way it's phrased makes it sound like you need to be in a relationship to be happy. You'll be much better off if you look to yourself and only yourself to provide your happiness. If this relationship prevents you from making yourself happy, then you can decide to make yourself happy by leaving it. And if you find yourself a nice mono man, bonus!



Yes, it's really different to jealousy. Taking your partner for granted and trying to manipulate her to get out of agreements... that's just being a jerk - a condition of which monogamous people are just as capable as poly folk.
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  #83  
Old 05-27-2010, 04:29 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Happiness comes from Within...Yeah Right! xwifez.com
I think the truth is that the ability to create your own happiness comes from within .
Hm, a good point. It's a subtle difference, but I think I understand what you're saying.

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The subtle, but crucial difference is that ‘happiness comes from within’ always made me feel deficient. To most people looking in I had a wonderful life, but because I was often unhappy it was as if there was something fundamentally wrong with me. If I could only fix myself I would be happy. Had I interpreted that statement as being about taking responsibility for my own happiness, I’m sure I would have felt more empowered to change the things I was unhappy about.
"Happiness comes from within" makes it sound like we're all "secretly happy on the inside" just waiting for that happiness to magically be released. That's not at all what I believe.

"the ability to create your own happiness comes from within" makes a lot more sense. It's saying that whether or not we're happy right now, we all have within ourselves the power to make changes which will make us happy. Some of those changes may need to be external, and undoubtably some will need to be internal. We can't always change our surroundings. Sometimes all we can truly change is how we feel about them.

I often use the term "find happiness", which implies to me that it's something either lost or missing... not that it's sitting around "within" just waiting to be discovered.
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  #84  
Old 05-27-2010, 07:14 AM
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Default You've said it even better than I could have

"we all have within ourselves the power to make changes which will make us happy. Some of those changes may need to be external, and undoubtably some will need to be internal. We can't always change our surroundings. Sometimes all we can truly change is how we feel about them."

If someone had said that to me twenty years ago I think my life would have been very different. Or maybe we all have to reach a level of awareness and maturity for wisdom to reach us?

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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Hm, a good point. It's a subtle difference, but I think I understand what you're saying.



"Happiness comes from within" makes it sound like we're all "secretly happy on the inside" just waiting for that happiness to magically be released. That's not at all what I believe.

"the ability to create your own happiness comes from within" makes a lot more sense. It's saying that whether or not we're happy right now, we all have within ourselves the power to make changes which will make us happy. Some of those changes may need to be external, and undoubtably some will need to be internal. We can't always change our surroundings. Sometimes all we can truly change is how we feel about them.

I often use the term "find happiness", which implies to me that it's something either lost or missing... not that it's sitting around "within" just waiting to be discovered.
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  #85  
Old 05-29-2010, 04:51 AM
poiyt poiyt is offline
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I have to agree that its easier to feel compersion when our own needs are being met, or at the very least recognized.

For me its about security. I am secure in my husbands and my playful banter, wrestling, joking, etc etc - so when he does that with our wife I feel overwhelming compersion. I am not so secure when it comes to our sex life - so when I can hear them having sex or whatever - I dont feel jealous...I feel..something else. I have felt jealousy before - and its definitely not that, but its something all right. Not all bad, there is some compersion there its just being masked by the something else.
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  #86  
Old 05-30-2010, 07:18 AM
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If someone had said that to me twenty years ago I think my life would have been very different. Or maybe we all have to reach a level of awareness and maturity for wisdom to reach us?
indubitably!

I first heard this kind of thinking in my 1st year philosophy class, and I thought it was phoney baloney. I tried to argue some kind of infinite regression of wants making us ultimately not in control of ourselves. Something along the lines of, even if I can choose to be happy, I can't choose to want to be happy, or to want to want to be happy, etc.

A couple years later, I met a boy a couple years younger than me but who had already done a lot of the "hard thinking" that I had yet to do, and he claimed that you can control your feelings, and he knew because he had done so.

It took me quite a few years to catch up, and honestly it's only been within the past few years that I really started believing it. Deepak Chopra had a way of putting it that helped make sense, but the ultimate "proof" came when I started doing it and it started working, and I realized... "hmm, if it works, then that should be evidence enough?"
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  #87  
Old 05-30-2010, 10:05 AM
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Thumbs up not quite there yet

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
indubitably!

I first heard this kind of thinking in my 1st year philosophy class, and I thought it was phoney baloney. I tried to argue some kind of infinite regression of wants making us ultimately not in control of ourselves. Something along the lines of, even if I can choose to be happy, I can't choose to want to be happy, or to want to want to be happy, etc.

A couple years later, I met a boy a couple years younger than me but who had already done a lot of the "hard thinking" that I had yet to do, and he claimed that you can control your feelings, and he knew because he had done so.

It took me quite a few years to catch up, and honestly it's only been within the past few years that I really started believing it. Deepak Chopra had a way of putting it that helped make sense, but the ultimate "proof" came when I started doing it and it started working, and I realized... "hmm, if it works, then that should be evidence enough?"
Good for you but unfortunately I'm not quite there yet. If I were I would undoubtedly find the whole compersion thing a whole lot easier. I'm at the point of "wanting to to be happy" and succeeding most of the time. There are still times when the old emotions get the better of me and I have to dig out why. It's usually a misunderstanding that we need to clarify or that my partner has pushed the boundaries out without realizing it.

He finally feels accepted for the first time in his life and is enjoying the freedom of being able to explore a secondary relationship. I'm having to accept that the boundaries have to be pretty flexible to accommodate this exploration and I find that difficult at times. It seems like the more I accept the more he wants. But we keep the lines of communication open and our relationship is in a very good space. If this changed I don't know if I could keep "wanting to be happy"

Sage
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  #88  
Old 08-15-2010, 06:00 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I have been having trouble with insecurity. Sometimes I think that I still feel compersion, even though I feel insecure. Maybe the two can over lap. I'm not sure.

9 out of 10 times that the woman that I'm dating has sex with her other boyfriend, I feel compersion. I learned compersion through developing voyeuristic fantasies. It is harder for me to feel compersion when the other guy is more fun and has excellent conversation skills.
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  #89  
Old 08-15-2010, 07:52 AM
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yep i know how you feel. My partner's OSO is 10 years older than me (14 years older than him) and so different from him that I feel no real threat. I think it would be very different if she was younger, hotter and funner . But I'm only in polyamory kindergarten, if and when someone more challenging comes into his life, hopefully I'll be ready for her.

Interesting way of dealing with jealousy though. Very creative.
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  #90  
Old 11-15-2010, 06:20 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Default Id like some insta-compersion please!

I dont think compersion is something I feel with frequency what soever. Maybe I feel it in hindsight or for fleeting moments when my bf is with another woman who makes him happy.

My boyfriend says he feels compersion for me and my girlfriend . He would also like me to have mutual compersion type feelings for the relationship he wants to build between himself and my gf. I simply cannot have feelings that do not exist (or rather, they exist in fleeting moments...and I think more "I am so lucky to have two people who I care about in the same bed with me" not exactly (much to my dismay) "I want my lovers to be sexual with one another".

I think those feelings may evolve over time. Yes I have known P for over a year but my gf, N I have only been with for a month. As much as id like some insta-compersion, I think I might have to wait, to become more secure in my relationships, more trusting and less fearful. Is this an appropriate way of looking at things?

or is it possible that if I dont feel compersion for my bf now, that I never will? Part of the reason I find it hard to access this compersion factor is probably because I feel afraid and threatened that my lovers will evolve in a way that will not include me. I dont rationally think this is the case but its a little annoying bug inside me that will not let up.
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Last edited by glowinthedarkstars; 11-15-2010 at 06:23 PM.
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