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  #11  
Old 05-25-2010, 08:14 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
troll post is just a singular post, not the thread you started, but just a single post that is usually purely an opinion and not too relevant to the OP or thread
A "troll post" is one that is inflammatory and intended to provoke a fight.
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  #12  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:03 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Yeah, that's what I always thought of as being a troll, too... which is why I found it odd someone would call themselves one. LOL.
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  #13  
Old 05-25-2010, 09:14 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
She lied to me repeatedly, withdrew emotionally whenever she was stressed out (which was nearly always) and sometimes let her jealousy (not relationship related) make her say nasty things to me. She didn't own her mistakes and she has serious mental health issues she must address if she ever wants to be happy.
Sounds like you are better off without her. You can love someone deeply and still walk away. I wouldn't have stayed with her for a month much less a year, but we do crazy things in the name of "love".....hope there's a lesson in there somewhere!!
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  #14  
Old 05-25-2010, 11:54 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Well, if we'd caught her in a lie in the first month, we wouldn't have stayed with her at that point. But we were already in pretty far, and the circumstances involving that first lie were... unique. She had some confrontation issues, and was scared we'd be angry. What she failed to realize was that lying also caused anger, and worse, distrust.

But we knew she had a history of abusive relationships, so we were trying to work with her. If she'd cheated, or if she'd lied before we ever lived together, well... that would've been the end of it. We took our commitment to her very seriously. Unfortunately, she wasn't capable of the same.

We are better off without her. We loved her and wanted it to work, and it was devastating when it didn't - which was why after she moved out, we decided to try dating again. It was sort of a trial separation, I suppose. It just didn't work. The dynamic changed for the two of them... while she and I got closer, the two of them got further apart.

In all honesty, I think she needs time alone and in therapy, and then she may need to try to be in a relationship with someone who isn't closed off to poly, but is willing to be monogamous at first. She doesn't have the coping skills to handle one relationship, let alone be in a relationship where there are four distinctive relationships at play.

As for us, we had always agreed this foray into poly was a one-time thing. While I still believe (as does he) that poly can work for the right parties, it was never second nature for me... and he readily admitted he could only handle it because I was with a woman and not another man (and yes, he acknowledged this was a double standard). It didn't really matter because I have zero interest in being with any other men. While I loved having a girlfriend (she was the first woman I had a romantic involvement with), I do not ever want to share my husband again. It is challenging and can be painful. Even when I experienced happiness for them, there were times it was tinged with pain. Going into the relationship, I had no idea what sharing would be like. Now I know, and I recognize that it is not something that comes easily or without an emotional price tag.

Given the strength of my bond with my husband, it is hurt I do not need to open myself up to again. Not only from the perspective of "sharing is hard," but also because of how hurt I have been by her. It doesn't matter that I don't believe she ever intended to hurt me (or him). She did, and she did it many times. I am already loved more deeply than I ever imagined possible, and he is everything I've ever needed.
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Old 05-26-2010, 12:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Karelia View Post
we were trying to work with her.
I understand. But you can't "fix" anyone.

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I do not ever want to share my husband again.
That's your right to make that decision. Maybe monogamy is your true choice and there is nothing wrong with that.


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it is hurt I do not need to open myself up to again.
I think the hurt was from getting involved with (and thinking you could fix) a highly dysfunctional person though....not from trying to practice polyamory. It would be like saying monogamy doesn't work after getting involved with a dysfunctional person in a monogamous relationship. One has nothing to do with the other.

Good luck to you!!!
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  #16  
Old 05-26-2010, 05:35 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
I understand. But you can't "fix" anyone.



That's your right to make that decision. Maybe monogamy is your true choice and there is nothing wrong with that.




I think the hurt was from getting involved with (and thinking you could fix) a highly dysfunctional person though....not from trying to practice polyamory. It would be like saying monogamy doesn't work after getting involved with a dysfunctional person in a monogamous relationship. One has nothing to do with the other.

Good luck to you!!!
Never thought we could fix her. We believed that while she had her baggage, she also had it under control and wanted to solve the problems she still had. You can want to help someone... but you cannot make someone change and you cannot solve their problems for them. I think she is looking for someone to do that, and she'll never find it.

We walked away in part because we realized that she wasn't actually interested in getting better. We could have offered support, but we couldn't do the work for her or make her want to do the work.

While a lot of the hurt was caused by her dysfunction, some of it is just the nature of a poly relationship. There were moments where something they did deeply upset me - but they had done nothing wrong. There were things I tried to be okay with or wanted to be okay with... but sometimes those things still hurt me. That comes from me just not really being built for poly. I loved her, and wanted it to work... and perhaps if not for her issues, some of my issues wouldn't have been so severe. I will never know. It's possible that with a partner who was emotionally healthy, it wouldn't have been so hard. The ups and downs of her moods, and when we found out about it, the lying made it hard to not have doubts or fears where she was concerned.

Anyway... I am not at all anti-poly. I firmly believe it wasn't poly that caused it to end. It's not impossible that maybe I wouldn't have been able to handle it at some point had the circumstances been better. I don't think so, but you never know. But even if poly didn't or can't work for me, I believe that it does and can work for some.
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