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  #41  
Old 05-15-2010, 07:25 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Sorry, guess I should have been more clear. He had not mentioned it to her yet. Only to the hosts of the party to make sure it was okay. It really wasn't something to be upset over, but I was.


In other news, the husband and I finaly read this thread together and had a long conversation about things. I am feeling a lot better about where things stand and why things happened in the first place.

LR- He says he totaly sympathizes with you. While he was only out for the sex, he does understand and agree with a lot of what you said about the ins and outs of being the other party. That really helped getting us talking. And helping him put feelings into words which is something he has never been good at.

I have high hopes for our future. I know it won't be easy. We both want to fix things but are staring at the toolbox with no idea which tool to use or how. That was his analogy and I really like it.

AK- he says he is fine with me having a b/f or a g/f, as long as they are treating me right. Though ultimately he wants his g/f and I to get back on better ground and see where that leads. I dunno if that will happen or not. I'm not against it, but not sure if I can look at her like that now. I feel really detached to that at the moment.

He says he never understood monogomy. He didn't see a point to it. He loves me and is committed and loyal to me, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to see what else is out there. His whole sex without emotional attachment thing. She wasn't supposed to happen, but she did. I asked if they broke up if he would go out looking for someone else and he says he doesn't think so, though he will still want sex with new people.

I can understand that, knowing him as well as I do. He likes the hunt. The thrill of flirting and getting to know someone. I am never going to be new. I understand that. And I also understand there are things I give him that he won't get from anyone else. He also says that at the times when things are good he has less urge to look elsewhere. So we'll see where that goes.

I think we are on the right path. No where near fixed, but a lot further ahead than I thought we would be a week into this.
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  #42  
Old 05-16-2010, 10:26 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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happy to report that the only drama of the night was that husbands g/f's ex showed up at the party. As far as the three of us went, things were great, she and I were able to talk for a bit and I had no negative emotions at all.

Was also kissed about 4 times by a friend that has apparently had the hubby's permission for about a yr now. Guess he didn't decide to act until he saw my husband with his g/f. I've kissed 2 other men in the 8 yrs I have been with my husband, and never felt anything. Tonight was different. And while I am not interested in pursuing anything until the husband and I are in a better place. It was good to know that I am capable of having those stirrings for someone other than my husband or a female. Makes me think most of my concern about monogomy was how I was raised not what I believe. But it is still a learning process. Will be an interesting new path to explore one day.
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  #43  
Old 05-17-2010, 02:13 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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LOL, That is awesome Mohegan! Go You!
I will post more later. Just wanted to say that you are doing so well!
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  #44  
Old 05-18-2010, 06:13 PM
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Everything is spinning so much faster than I expected. My heart is open to things I never thought possible. The guy who kissed me at the party has been talking with me a lot more than normal. We are close friends, but we never really talk outside of in person. So this whole phone/IM contact is weird. I look at my husband everynight and say thank you. I get it. It seems maybe his affair was the best thing for us. My fears were because I didn't understand it, and I didn't understand b/c I wouldn't let myself think outside of my little box. So much has happened in the last 3wks and I'm dealing with it. I don't feel overwhelmed at all. I'm living in the moments of my life. It's an amazing way to live.
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  #45  
Old 05-19-2010, 01:56 AM
sumsumsum sumsumsum is offline
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Yay MO!

I am wishing you a pleasing and joyous journey.

Lots of deep breathing. Oxygen is totally under-rated! LOL.

xoxo
sumx3
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  #46  
Old 05-19-2010, 10:56 PM
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Thank Sum, I'm still pretty giddy over things.

But I have really had my eyes opened in the last 3wks. I'm remembering why I closed everything up in the first place. When I first got really sick, I was so afraid he'd get sick of me that he'd leave. So I tried to reign him in as tightly as could. Probably the biggest mistake made.

I've figured out that I couldn't understand where he was coming from because I forgot what it was like to have those feelings. I had shut everything off b/c I was so afraid I would be the one to cheat. In the process of my illness and shutting everything down, I pretty much became a shell of who I was. I forgot how to live. How to be happy.

For years I've been trying to get part of my old self back and couldn't figure out how. Now I know why I kept failing. Finding my sexuality has brought back other parts of me as well. It's all been so amazing.

My husband is spending time with his girlfriend tonight b/c we are leaving for vacation tomorrow. At first I was grumpy that he wanted to spend time alone with her, but I reminded myself of all the time he and I have had together in the last weeks and decided to let him do what he wanted. And he's now decided to come home with her and cook us both dinner.

I still have glimmers of trust issues. I was partialy afraid they would find somewhere to have sex tonight. We currently have a no sex rule until we fix us. I don't see it needing to last for a very long time, just long enough to make sure he and I are back where we need to be. But I don't think he will. I think he knows it'll happen soon enough and if he screws up again I'm gone. Without trust we have nothing. As much as our love has held us together, without trust, we'll never be happy.

I feel like I am reawakening. Like I am emerging from a cacoon.
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  #47  
Old 05-21-2010, 01:11 AM
sumsumsum sumsumsum is offline
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I hope that you are having a WONDERFILLED vacation and enjoying time with your guy.

Your transformation sounds YUMMY and worth the effort!

I know that trust issues are HUGE around these parts. I feel like I have a leg up on that one due to the teachings (and learnings, ugh... the LEARNINGS!) of my earlier years. It is not a new concept and I am SURE that it must be covered SOMEWHERE here in this forum.

But just in case it can be of use to you or anyone else, here it is.

And sincerely, I beg a pardon for the long post.

Trust is never about the other person. Ever.
It is about me (or you, if you like).
It is not that I don't trust my husband, it is that I don't trust myself to be able to handle it if he does _____________ (fill in the blank)

Using this concept has helped me to gain much independence and respect for clear and basic rules where needed.

WHY don't I trust my ability to handle ____________(fill in the blank)?
Once I have the answer to that I can work on creating what I need, IF I WANT AND IF IT IS REASONABLE, to be able to handle __________________ (fill in the blank).

It would take far to much space to go into the finer details of the meditation, but that is the simple basis.

This little meditation has helped me to grow as a person and has, I feel, helped me to make deep consensual relationships that are based harmony and choice, rather than (co)dependency and fear.

I know this goes against the thread of "It takes time to build or rebuild trust" but once I learned to trust myself, I was amazed at how quick, easy and even unimportant that trusting others became, regardless of past breaches of trust.

Sure, there have been situations and scenarios where-in i did not feel safe with someone, but instead of coming from a place of "not trusting" it was from a place of simply not wanting to put up with someones B.S. That is a whole different spin. Very empowering.

A metaphor, I like metaphors.
Lending money. Good advice is to never lend money if you can't live without it's return. I am sure that we all have friends and relatives, that we KNOW are not going to return the money that we "lend" them and we say to ourselves "I will never see that $100 again". And you trust that you can live without that $100 or you choose not to "lend" it regardless of how vehemently the swear that they will pay us back.

Sorry for the ramble!
I will look forward to hearing how your vacation went.

sumx3
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  #48  
Old 05-25-2010, 02:41 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Things are still going so well! Vacation has been great, we went on a date to see a friend of mine in a play and then to see another friend for her birthday. It was like when we were dating. We danced, we laughed, we had a really good time. I was in a bit of pain the next morning, but it was so worth it. My husband has really taken to heart the things I asked to see improvment on. He's been so easy going, willing to help without argument, compromising, giving compliments, showing that he wants to spend time with me.

I struggled a little today. I got onto facebook and thought it was my page and realised while reading e-mails it was his. He had sent a message to his girlfriend telling her that her new pictures take his breath away. He doesn't ever say things like that to me. I had a moment of wondering why, I started to get scared again that maybe all this is a facade and he is using me for a place to live ( everything is in my name or my parents, if I divorce him, there isn't much he'll get as most was bought before we got married). I talked myself out of my mini freak out. There are a number of reasons why he doesn't say things like that to me. The biggest being he never has, which I assume means he doesn't think I need to hear it. I don't want to whine and say I want more romantic talk, it seems to me if he doesn't say it, he hasn't thought to say it so asking for it cheapens it. And I don't want an identical relationship to the one he has with her. We have our unique relationship and they have theirs. There is nothing wrong with that, it's what makes it work.

It just kind of struck me for a moment. I'm in a better frame of mind now, but it reminded me that even though things are going so well, they aren't fixed yet. I just hope I am giving to him what he wanted fixed the way he is for me.

Other than that I am having a great time seeing my niece and the rest of my family. Hope everyone is enjoying the begining to their week.
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  #49  
Old 05-25-2010, 03:13 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Maybe he is a serial cheater. But I think it is more that to him sex is sex and love is love and they do not need to meet. We have been discussing a poly lifestyle for yrs. But it seems like everytime I get to a point of trusting him and being okay with it, I find out he cheated.
For some people, I wonder if they just think cheating is better than being honest about it, because being honest about it means they'll have to live up to your expectations, stay within your boundaries. I hear a lot of women say "I don't mind if he sees her, but no sex until I'm more comfortable with it." And that is 100% valid and justified. But from that man's perspective, it means they can't have sex. Whereas if they avoid the whole honesty thing and just have an affair, they get to have sex.

They probably assume they'll get away with it so it won't hurt you, and they'll get to have their cake and eat it too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
He has mentioned he doesn't mind me having a gf as long as he gets to watch, lol. Men! (no offense guys!)
*barf* Yech. Blargh.

Selfish!!!

So he gets to have whatever kind of relationship he wants, but if you want the same thing, no dice? Gimme a BREAK!

This kind of attitude just pisses me off. It makes it sound like your husband sees women as sex objects, created solely for his personal arousal and satisfaction. Which explains why he cheats so freely - doesn't respect you or the other women he sleeps with. Objectifies them.

I'm not usually much of a feminist, except when confronted with blatant misogyny like this!
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  #50  
Old 05-25-2010, 05:01 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
I struggled a little today. I gotonto facebook and thought it was my page and realised while reading e-mails it was his. He had sent a message to his girlfriend telling her that her new pictures take his breath away. He doesn't ever say things like that to me. I had a moment of wondering why, I started to get scared again that maybe all this is a facade and he is using me for a place to live ( everything is in my name or my parents, if I divorce him, there isn't much he'll get as most was bought before we got married). I talked myself out of my mini freak out. There are a number of reasons why he doesn't say things like that to me. The biggest being he never has, which I assume means he doesn't think I need to hear it.
No matter how well you are doing it is always hard to find those things that he writes to his girlfriend. It doesn't take away from what he feels for you. It is just hard to see what he feels for another woman or significant other. But how you handle it from there is important. I know it was never easy for me whenever I would come across texts or conversations between DH and J. But then I would remind myself or I would tell him I read this or that so that he could remind me if I needed it that his love for me is still as strong and what he did with her never took away from that. And this always made me feel better and I would be good as new again. It is just apart of getting through those beginning stages.
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