Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

[CielDuMatin]

That was one of the challenges for us living in Upstate New York - it's very rural and spread-out and there really aren't enough in one place to build any large enough group - we built a forum that was for the more widespread folks and have been very surprised how many have come out of the woodwork. once they found that they seemed more than willing to travel to get-togethers. I think that local stuff has to adjust to that.

[May]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

I wouldn't say "irrevocably" but personally, I do believe it's inherent, as in a quality of the person, their capacity to love more than one person. Some people just can't love more than one person, some people just can't be happy being restricted to loving only one person, and some people can be happy either way.

Why would this not separate them into two groups, with a grey area (analogous to bisexual) in the middle?

I just don't believe that. I think everyone has the capacities to love more than one, maybe not having romantic relationship with more than one, but having great affections for more than one person in different ways (just like there are different "kinds" of love you feel for your parents, your friends, your lovers, your children etcetera). Some may deal better with it than others (e.g. there are people who may favour one of their children and so on) and some may have never considered a lifestyle which is different from the one they were brought up in. There may be other reasons as well. It's also totally fine with me if people knowingly decide to have just one romantic relationship - it's all about being true to yourself.

Could you talk about how your experiences contradict this view? By your description, some of the people you love are mono and therefore are unable to return your love romantically, though they may love you as a friend.

Principally it's what I've already written above: Many never considered a lifestyle like this and even though some have their doubts if it could work for them they like the idea and it seems to make many of them feeling comfortable with me rather than uneasy and many consider it just as wonderful. It probably would be different with something like homosexuality. If I told my friends I was homo they probably wouldn't have the slightest problem with it, but if you just don't like the idea of having sexual intercourse with the same sex you wouldn't consider it as a lifestyle for you. As for some of my friends who "prefer to stay homo", as I put it, there're different reasons for that: fortunately there'd never been one of them I was so totally in love with that it hurt me when they couldn't return it. In fact it doesn't have anything to do with polyamory, because I never tried to convince anyone to "become" poly for me or the like. It's rather that I have friends who may or may not be in a romantic relationship and depending on how close they are to me and what they mean to me I tell them if I love them. Some of them don't have any interest in a romantic relationship with me and just like me as a friend, and so I accept if they don't say something like "I love you" in return. But the fact that they know about my lifestyle makes them comfortable with me telling them about my love. They know I don't expect them to say or do anything. I just love them for what they are.

I am sorry to hear that many of you seem to have had really painful experiences. But among other reasons as I said before that may also have something to do with where you live (country, region, large city or smaller community etcetera). Yes, I think I can count myself lucky that I have only good experiences so far.

(Um, I hope all this makes at least a bit sense. I am a bit in a hurry and might not be able to look into the forums for some time, so I just wrote what came to my mind first...)

[SayYes]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

My experiences of finding poly love in the wide world have been hard and painful. Educating people into the fact that poly exists, is a viable relationship form and yes, my partner is fine with it have usually either ended in the person running a mile, or worse, we fall in love, only for them to decide after a short while that "poly isn't for them", leaving me feeling very hurt and grieving another lost love.

Many people that I have spoken to have had similar experiences, and bemoan the fact that they can never find anyone that is open to it. My advice is to find a local group, where everyone is open to it, and the questions come down to chemistry and compatibility. It's no guarantee, but it drastically increases your odds.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel, too. On one hand, I do think that people can have their minds opened to the possibility of being poly, especially because we have such a monogamy-oriented culture, many people have simply never considered it. But on the other hand, I think a large part of why my relationship with my boyfriend has gone so smoothly is the fact that he was already at a point where he knew he had no desire to commit to monogamy before we even met, even though he wasn't "practicing" poly. I've never had to fear that it was something he would change his mind about, or something he was only tolerating because he fell for me, etc. Conversely, I've seen my boyfriend date other people who were previously unaware of poly, who are in theory accepting of our situation, but who turn out to not be able to deal with it in a functional way. And I've had my own experiences as a married woman with non-poly men who see me as available for sex, but not for a relationship--for that, they're waiting for someone who's actually "available." I do absolutely believe that people can fall in love under a variety of circumstances, you can't always plan for relationships, and people can become interested in poly--and quite happy with it--because of someone they fall in love with. But if I were to actively seek out a relationship, I would look first to find people who were already on board with poly, because I think the odds are a lot better of things working out.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by May

I just don't believe that. I think everyone has the capacities to love more than one, maybe not having romantic relationship with more than one, but having great affections for more than one person in different ways (just like there are different "kinds" of love you feel for your parents, your friends, your lovers, your children etcetera).

Yuck. That's as bad as "everyone is bisexual, they just haven't found the right man/woman to express it with."

"Polyamory" doesn't refer to the ability to love multiple people in a non-romantic way. Even the most die-hard monogamist would still say they can love all of their children, not just one. Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Unarguably, every person in the world who has the capacity to love at all has the capacity to "love, in one form or another, more than one person" or else we would all have only one friend, no partners, and no kids.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

Yuck. That's as bad as "everyone is bisexual, they just haven't found the right man/woman to express it with."

"Polyamory" doesn't refer to the ability to love multiple people in a non-romantic way. Even the most die-hard monogamist would still say they can love all of their children, not just one. Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Unarguably, every person in the world who has the capacity to love at all has the capacity to "love, in one form or another, more than one person" or else we would all have only one friend, no partners, and no kids.

Well put...!!!

[RU4US]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years we have 4 children. We want to add to our family by adding a partner. Where and how to do we even begin to find someone? We are new to this but we do know what we want and are looking for.

thank you

[SchrodingersCat]

The best way to find people is to stop looking.

Sounds ass-backwards, I know. But the best love sneaks up on you when you're totally looking in another direction.

Focus on yourselves and your marriage, your kids and your family, make yourselves the best you can be. Put the thought out there in the universe that you'd like to find love to add to your family, then get on with your regular business and just keep a positive attitude.

Especially for a couple looking to add a third, there's a risk when you're looking that people will pick up on the fact that you're looking for something, and they can fake being that something in order to take advantage of you.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

..........Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Hi SC,

Glad this came up.............
And if this is a hijack and needs a new thread - someone feel free !

But we see this term "romantic love" tossed around all the time.

And am I maybe the only one who doesn't have a real good grasp on what that means ?

How would you - or anyone define that in a way it could be identified - especially in contrast to..... say...platonic love ?

Curious........

GS

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

But we see this term "romantic love" tossed around all the time.

And am I maybe the only one who doesn't have a real good grasp on what that means ?

GS

You probably are.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

Yuck. That's as bad as "everyone is bisexual, they just haven't found the right man/woman to express it with."

"Polyamory" doesn't refer to the ability to love multiple people in a non-romantic way. Even the most die-hard monogamist would still say they can love all of their children, not just one. Polyamory specifically refers to the ability to romantically love more than one person. I'm typically completely against "polyamory is this and polyamory is not that" but I think it's foundational that the "amor" in "polyamory" refers to romantic love and not platonic or maternal or brotherly love.

Unarguably, every person in the world who has the capacity to love at all has the capacity to "love, in one form or another, more than one person" or else we would all have only one friend, no partners, and no kids.

Great post!

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Hi SC,

Glad this came up.............
And if this is a hijack and needs a new thread - someone feel free !

But we see this term "romantic love" tossed around all the time.

And am I maybe the only one who doesn't have a real good grasp on what that means ?

How would you - or anyone define that in a way it could be identified - especially in contrast to..... say...platonic love ?

Curious........

GS

Platonic love= a general humanistic affection for someone in a strictly non-sexual way based on shared interests or similar values and experiences; a friendly bond of mutual respect and enjoyment of company, no desire or sexual intimacy exists
NO SEX
Romatic love= is sexual in nature initially and develops into a deeper affection or affinity based on intimacy and similar character and passion; though it is based on immediate lust it eventually becomes more about a commitment to mating and family bonding. SEX DRIVEN
Make sense? Agree? Disagree?

Originally Posted by YGirl

You probably are.

I hope this was meant to be humorous because I just LMAO!