This seems like the best thread to continue from....
It's 2am and I can't sleep. There's so much on my mind. I have a coffee date with 'D' tomorrow morning and it's going to be so painful to get up
I've been mulling this over and over and over in my head for weeks now. Where am I going to live?!?
This may not seem like a poly-related dilemma, but to me it feels very relevant because the dichotomy between my body's needs and my heart's needs is so big.
I spent quiet, alone time with Nerdist last night (finally). Because of circumstances, much of the time we've spent together has felt like a whirlwind. He's more introverted than me and in social situations I can get pretty chatty. That and I've had so much going on for me that I feel like I've been monopolizing our conversations. (He doesn't seem to think so, but I've felt bad). So I really appreciated having an opportunity to just listen to him talk about himself, without distraction. I like him so much.
We walked around an area of town that I love! I actually looked at two places for rent today. Logically, it seems ludicrous for me to even consider ever moving to the city (again), especially that close to downtown traffic. But, my heart keeps pulling me here. (The backstory: I have chemical sensitivities and have spent 6-7 years living in remote areas, being very strict about my environment so I can be healthy. I lived in a suburb of this city for 6 months and had a difficult time.
I visited an absolutely gorgeous house in a quiet area with quiet streets. It was recessed from the road with lots of green space and a beautiful garden in the back. Unfortunately, the room was very small and I don't think it would work for me. I also panicked when I had a look at the shared laundry room and saw chemical detergents and bleach.
Some moments I feel great about moving back here. Thinking about meeting with musicians and starting to record/perform my music when my album's written. Being close to the poly community here and the friends I've made. Being able to pursue a wonderful relationship with Nerdist. Other moments, I panic! I feel swallowed up and overwhelmed here. I am already feeling a bit under the weather from the city I've taken in and I'm feeling very scared.
So, I'm back to square one. I keep comparing everything to where I lived two years ago. I lived in a small city for two years that worked very well for me. It was perfect in many ways: everything was within walking distance and had very little traffic because of the size and the way it was layed out. I had access to everything I needed without making myself sick.
Buuuuut.... it is so far away! I would have a very hard time moving away and would feel so sad. I moved away from there (to come here) in the first place because I hadn't formed a solid group of people I completely fit in with and felt lonely. There isn't much of a poly group there that I know of and the poly people I do know there, I didn't really jive with. I also wanted to be closer to a bigger music scene.
I've seen people mention on here that this is a struggle for them where they live and I really wonder what that's like. What do you do when you live somewhere where there isn't much of a poly community? Family is so important and if you're not around the kinds of people you can make a family with, do you just end up with unmet needs?!
I have what feels like a huge decision to make.
On the one hand - live in a place where my health and lifestyle thrive. But, it means moving away again. It means accepting less, in some ways. It means not experiencing what could develop with Nerdist. It means accepting that I won't have a poly community to meet with regularly, which means never quite fitting in, possibly being lonely.
On the other hand - live in a place where I feel loved and accepted. But, where my health does not thrive.
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Last edited by rolypoly; 05-24-2010 at 02:53 PM.