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Old 05-23-2010, 06:35 PM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 78
Exclamation Restrictions--please help

So I've run into a bit of a problem lately. I have been seeing someone, J, and things have been going very well between us. I met J at a party in January and we started talking about books since he was starting a book club at his house. I started going to it before there was any kind of romantic interest in J mostly because it was something entirely out of my normal social circle and had nothing to do with any other part of my (incredibly busy and at the time stressful) life. My primary partner was okay with this since he agreed I needed this. However, as time went by I became very interested in J and things progressed since he was interested too.

Now, ever since we have been seeing each other, my primary partner, T, has been getting touchier and touchier about the time I spend with J. It's very difficult to bring up making plans with J since T gets very silent and moody every time though lately he's been getting better. There are still a lot of insecurities and so I have the following restrictions on time I can see J.

-I can only see him on average once a week, but whenever T gives his permission for me to see J

-In order to see him I have to give 48 hours notice to T

-When I go to see him I have to give T an "acceptable" time to be home by, that T decides on and half way through the date I have to phone T and tell him if I'm going to be home earlier

-I cannot see J when T is at work

-If I see J when T is not at work I am going to be taking time away from my relationship with T and T is upset

-J and I are not allowed to cuddle or be affectionate outside of a bedroom

-J cannot come to my house

-I am not allowed to text message J when I am with T, which is all the time

-at the montly bookclub I am not allowed to in any way physically touch J or be near him, it's just supposed to be a book club

These restrictions are driving me crazy. Every time I try to address them with T he flings back past fights from earlier in our relationship and it turns into a huge fight with him storming out of the room. Now it's gotten to a point where I am feeling very resentful towards T and I am having a hard time discussing this without getting extremely emotional and it's getting to a point where I feel like in order to stay with T I need to be either a swinger or monogamous and not polyamorous or latley I've been starting to think that maybe I should leave T since it feels like he can't do this.

The funny thing is that T has two people he sees outside of me and none of these restrictions at all on him. He says they're in place to make sure he stays the primary and so that no one threatens his position but it feels like he's sabotaging himself a bit. Any words of advice would be helpful. Is this rational when we're just starting out? How is a good way to calmly address these?

Thanks.
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