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  #11  
Old 05-20-2010, 11:42 PM
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For me loving someone is not different.
How I act upon it is.

I love my children-some are bio, some step, some God-children, some adopted. Doesn't matter, I'd give my life for them and I have given up all sorts of things in my life for each of them.

My husband and BF I love both deeply and would do anything for either of them EXCEPT harm another person whom I love.

There really isn't a difference in the emotion and there isn't a difference in the commitment either. In fact the same is true with my brother and my sister as well.

What IS different is that each of them has different needs and therefore how I express my love to each of them is different.
Some people would say that I must be more in love with Maca-because I married him. But the fact that I haven't also married GG is circumstantial-I haven't that OPTION. If I did, I would.
Some people would say I must love GG more, because I had an affair with him. But the reason for it being an affair and not a poly relationship was circumstantial (too much written already on this-not going to elaborate in this post as it can be searched through my profile if someone wants details).

The truth is that SOME people do "categorize" their lovers and give one more importance than others. In my life I really don't do that with my lovers, friends, family, children. Sometimes to the great annoyance of some people who WANT to be categorized as more important.

The only category I do that with every time is that my kids come first-period.
No one comes before them.
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  #12  
Old 05-21-2010, 01:45 AM
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Everyone....that was a great series of notes. I very much appreciate your comments and candour.

You have answer some of my questions.

I am quite happy!
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  #13  
Old 05-21-2010, 04:42 AM
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Default Love, in my experience

My reference point for love is actually a bit unusual, but it's among the truest things I've ever read. It's a speech titled "We Love the Things We Love for What They Are", by Pat Carini, one of the most inspiring educators alive today. (The title comes from a line in the poem "Hyla Brook" by Robert Frost.) It's available in a book titled Starting Strong, and I recommend it highly.

In her speech, Carini speaks about little acts of creation, building and shaping and relating, that make and remake the world. She explains that those forces are in direct opposition to destruction, death, and hatred. We make and remake our lives everyday.

I make and remake love by acts of will. I choose to attach, to bond, to offer others the same opportunities with me.

The love I have with each person in my life is different, because we've attached differently. One love can be summed up by winding up talking in bed, holding hands instead of having sex. Another makes the most sense in the shower. A third is a hysterical phone conversation, or making out in the trunk of a car. A fourth means saying, "I love you, you know, and I don't expect a response," and a fifth is "I love you," without much other evidence (these days).

Then there's family loves, and firmly platonic loves, and... you get the idea.

Every bond is different, so every love winds up being different too. I suspect at least some monos feel the same way, but I don't even know if any other polys do.

BTW- whoever said "grok" on here: you're my rock star.
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:57 AM
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I think my love has a foundation that is the same. I love my first girl friend and always will, I love my friend C and always will, I love Mono and always will, I love Nerdist and always will, I love my ex-wife and always will.... that foundation is the same. For me anything built on that is unique to the person and my relationship to them.

I was saying to Nerdist tonight that I don't let people in that often any more. I have been hurt far too often. Once someone is in, they are in.... I mean, forever. That foundation is set and I will not be able to give it up, no matter what happens... what we are together is the next level up of love and the unique part.

I find myself investing in Derby this way recently... it's being investigated right now, and I haven't found myself sitting comfortably in that foundation with her yet. We shall see.

When it comes to my child? It goes beyond the foundation I speak of. He is love itself to me. It's hard to explain. Others are independent of me somehow. He is me when it comes to love. His existence is the love I have for myself.
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Hahaha....the problem (not having consistent agreed upon answers) is not about whether poly love is different from mono love.....the problem is (in my opinion) that Love itself can not be defined in any type of agreed upon way.

What does it mean when someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" What does being "in love" mean???
Love is a difficult word. How can we use the same word to describe our feeling for pizza and our feeling for ... our lovers or our children?

For ME, "in love" means the romantic feeling I have for husband, girlfriend and boyfriend. Though DH and I have been together 18 years, I would say we are definitely still in love. It burns differently than it did 18 years ago, but no less brightly.

It is the feeling I have when I see that it is GF on my caller id or BF on IM. Or how I feel when I know I am going to see them.

Love is for children, sisters, mother, father.

Quote:

Sometimes....being "in love" means the initial infatuation you feel for a person. Once the infatuation phase dies out (usually around 6 to 8 months) you get to see if there is any actual love there or not.
I guess my version of the terminology differs from yours. In love is a state of romantic love, regardless of the duration and is no less real than any other.


Quote:
Just my two cents. I'd like to hear what others have to say about love and being "in love"
I think the I love you but am not in love with you thing relates to genuinely caring for someone for whom there is no romantic love. Just my opinion.
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  #16  
Old 05-21-2010, 06:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think my love has a foundation that is the same. I love my first girl friend and always will, I love my friend C and always will, I love Mono and always will, I love Nerdist and always will, I love my ex-wife and always will.... that foundation is the same. For me anything built on that is unique to the person and my relationship to them.

I was saying to Nerdist tonight that I don't let people in that often any more. I have been hurt far too often. Once someone is in, they are in.... I mean, forever. That foundation is set and I will not be able to give it up, no matter what happens... what we are together is the next level up of love and the unique part.

I find myself investing in Derby this way recently... it's being investigated right now, and I haven't found myself sitting comfortably in that foundation with her yet. We shall see.

When it comes to my child? It goes beyond the foundation I speak of. He is love itself to me. It's hard to explain. Others are independent of me somehow. He is me when it comes to love. His existence is the love I have for myself.
YES YES YES.

I find it so hard sometimes to explain to people-love doesn't "come and go" for me. If I love someone-I'll ALWAYS love them. How I express it may change, the dynamic of our relationship may change, but the loving of them does not stop-ever!!
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  #17  
Old 05-21-2010, 06:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
For me loving someone is not different.
How I act upon it is.

I love my children-some are bio, some step, some God-children, some adopted. Doesn't matter, I'd give my life for them and I have given up all sorts of things in my life for each of them.
Children love is SO different. There HAS to be some kind of natural selection going on here. I have never known anyone (except my recent partners. Still baffled by that.) who accept me and loved me as my husband has and does. I love him completely. I would rip him apart with my hands and teeth if he harmed a hair on our children's heads.

I think there ought to be a different word for a parent's feelings for their children. (And I don't think that parents feel any less attachment to adopted or god or any other distinction. I know my parents didn't have ANY difference between their bio and adopted.)
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  #18  
Old 05-21-2010, 09:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebody View Post
Children love is SO different.

Not for me.
I love my children with very much the same way I love Maca, GG, my sister, my brother...
The difference is only in how I express that love.

There is a lack of sexuality with some of those people-but sex for me CAN include love-but doesn't NECESSARILY and love CAN include sex-but doesn't NECESSARILY. That is true in ALL of those relationships-sex is just not intricately woven with love in ANY of my relationships.

So as I was saying-while I know for some people there is a differentiation-for me there is not.
Love to me is love and it doesn't matter who it's for-because to me loving someone fits a very specific set of criteria-either you do them, or you do not.

(I DO understand this is NOT the "norm"-just felt it was good to speak up-because there are people in the world who don't fit the norm and that's ok.)
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  #19  
Old 05-22-2010, 12:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saudade View Post
BTW- whoever said "grok" on here: you're my rock star.
Saudade
That would be me. I am a fan of Heinlein, though I prefer Glory Road, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress and Methuselah's Children over Stranger in a Strange Land. Great work, but like Lord of the Rings, went on waay to long.

Don't get me started on Starship Troopers. The movie destroyed the book

Off topic, but its always a treat to find another fan.

Thx
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  #20  
Old 05-22-2010, 05:29 PM
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Thx folks for the great comments. It was very illuminating.

I had an instructor as a student who would always end the class with "what did you learn" question. Not a bad habit.

What did I learn?
  • There are no consistent definition of love, as it is a subjective, internal emotion that has no objective metric.
  • It's very situational and depends upon each person, as everyone has a different way of describing it.
  • It is felt differently, expressed differently and received differently from party to party
  • There is "in love" as a state of being that can erode and "love" as an emotion that lasts longer ; the two should not be confused
  • Poly people are really well read. The number of people who quoted other sources was pretty impressive
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