Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 05-20-2010, 02:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I think envy is basically a healthy thing. It means you want something for yourself but do not wish for the other person to be without it just because you don't have it.
I agree - at least in part Ygirl.
But the danger - if you think about it - and therefore the need for balance is that if you don't take time to really analyze it - it becomes nothing more than a form of competition. It's one think to want something someone else has because it truly has personal value to us. Quite another to want it just because someone else has it. And ANYTHING we want will come at a cost - and one we must be comfortable with paying - right ?

GS
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-20-2010, 03:12 PM
Endicott's Avatar
Endicott Endicott is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Fort Lauderdale
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
So my gf has been going out on dates at a goth club with this girl (S) I havent met.
Perhaps you should meet?

When Pru (my "primary" to use the lingo) started dating her boyfriend, I asked to meet him. Long story short, it helped me frame why she was in love with him, and thus helped me understand my feelings.

It was not that he was better than me, but different. One of the beauties in my mind about polyamory is the ability to find those who resonate with those areas of your personality/soul/character that are unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship.

I therefore feel special as I understand why Pru loves me, and her boyfriend (and ultimately his wife now her girlfriend, but that's a whole other story...LOL!).

I hope this helps.
__________________
Endicott Smith

"Be gentle with each person you meet, for each of them is fighting a great battle.
St. Ephrem the Syrian b.306AD - d.373AD

Visit me on Facebook
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-20-2010, 03:36 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
It's one think to want something someone else has because it truly has personal value to us. Quite another to want it just because someone else has it.
I never said it was about wanting something JUST BECAUSE someone else has it. That to me falls under "jealousy" and "unhealthy competition".
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-20-2010, 08:12 PM
DD123 DD123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 19
Default

Thank you all so very much for all of your comments! Im happy to have inspired such a dialogue.


Quote:
Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
For many of us the feeling of specialness does not have to be linked to exclusivity. It is a separate thing that we get from our lover's unique feeling for us regardless of the feelings they have for other people.
I kind of get this. An example may help me. My gf makes me feel loved, wanted, needed, cared for, etc. I know that I cant fulfill every need and desire she has, but that doesnt mean I dont want to try and it doesnt mean that I dont get jealous and feel bad that I cant.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
Is she caught up in NRE? (new relationship energy)

I've discovered that I am more easily able to experience compersion now that I have a secondary of my own. It's still not always easy knowing he's with someone else but now I'm able to look at it from a different perspective.
Good question. Ill have to ask her. As for me finding a second, Ive been looking, but every time I get close to someone I start to feel guilty as if Im cheating and maybe I shouldnt be doing what Im doing.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
I agree - at least in part Ygirl.
But the danger - if you think about it - and therefore the need for balance is that if you don't take time to really analyze it - it becomes nothing more than a form of competition. It's one think to want something someone else has because it truly has personal value to us. Quite another to want it just because someone else has it. And ANYTHING we want will come at a cost - and one we must be comfortable with paying - right ?
I know what you mean. One time when she went to the goth club with her gf-I said to myself "dam it if Im going to sit at home and do nothing while shes out having fun. Im going to the gay bar and find a bf" needless to say I had bad motives and ended up feeling worse than I had before.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Endicott View Post
It was not that he was better than me, but different. One of the beauties in my mind about polyamory is the ability to find those who resonate with those areas of your personality/soul/character that are unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship.
Im alcoholic and grew up in an alcoholic family. I am the first contact my gf has had with alcoholism and its hard for her to relate. I do have friends that relate to me and how I grew up in that way and we do connect in a way that my gf just cant. like you said, one is not better than the other, they are just different. But I dont have sex with my friends. People can relate on a emotional/spiritual level and it doesnt have to be sexual. Thats one of the things I dont get-why is it sexual?


Quote:
Originally Posted by capricorny View Post
Is it OK for you if I say...
Yes it is ok for you to say ANYTHING. Please question me, call me out on my BS, debate with me, etc. Im here to lean and grow and get different perspectives. So dont be afraid to say anything-please say it!

Thank you for reading and for your feedback
DD123
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-20-2010, 09:44 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

Quote:
Good question. Ill have to ask her. As for me finding a second, Ive been looking, but every time I get close to someone I start to feel guilty as if Im cheating and maybe I shouldnt be doing what Im doing.
Sometimes the solution to finding something is to stop looking for it . I wasn't looking for either of my boyfriends when they came into the picture yet here we all are .

Why couldn't the three of you go to the goth club together? You could meet S in a place where they're both comfortable and aren't going to be on their guard as much. Plus you might actually have fun.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-20-2010, 11:03 PM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

Hi DD123. It sounds like there are a couple things going on for you. First, the idea of poly in the first place. I've heard from a few people that the concept of poly intrigues them and that they appreciate some of the principles, but find they can't or don't want to do poly.

It sounds like this may be something you want to explore in yourself.

Compersion and codependency are definitely different things. Compersion isn't meant to make you happy because your gf is happy. Think of yourselves as independent people who find joy in seeing each other find joy (over and above the other things in your life that bring you joy).

Codependency is defined, the way I understand it, as an imbalanced relationship with one person enabling the other to be dependant. There's often a needer and a giver, to simplify things. Someone else may have a better or more complete definition, but my point is that feeling happy for someone you love because they've found love does not require a dependent relationship!

Then there's the situation you're in with your gf. I agree that it's worth exploring why you're ok with her sleeping with L and not S (hope I got that right). Maybe L came before you, so somehow this makes it easier for you to palate? Maybe your need to feel special has you wanting her to have met you and want no one since having met you. Someone before you, well, you weren't around yet. Just a thought.

I can really relate to the need to feel special. Over the years, I've learned to love what is special in myself without the need for external validation of my specialness. It's hard, it takes a lot of inner strength to recognize and love what makes you you. This is a hard one: no one else (ie: your gf) can make you feel special.

You could try to identify some things that the two of you can do together or that she can do/say with you that are special to your relationship. Maybe your need to feel special can be met that way. You might also learn of yourself that in relationships, you have a need to feel special and one way that need is met is by being the only one she sleeps with. This is a very fair request. In that case, maybe poly isn't for you?

I can also relate to the feelings of guilt when getting close to someone else, feeling like you're cheating. It took me quite a while to get over this one. Actually, I'm still working on it! I did notice that the more I accepted in myself that I can (and do!) love more than one person at a time and want to be intimate with them, the more comfortable I felt with my partner(s) being with someone else. And that's when I start to feel compersion, which is actually a feeling I love even more than being in love,
__________________
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-21-2010, 06:35 AM
capricorny capricorny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Sub-ultima Thule
Posts: 65
Default

I really fell this "exercise" can be worthwhile for you, DD123. Even in a mono relationship, the relationship could improve if there is some balance in how outgoing you are etc.

Quote:
Good question. Ill have to ask her. As for me finding a second, Ive been looking, but every time I get close to someone I start to feel guilty as if Im cheating and maybe I shouldnt be doing what Im doing.
That feeling is perfectly natural, but why not start out looking for friendship, for example? Or maybe even just a sex partner, more like swinging? If it is the emotional component that bothers you most. Talk with your partner about what "cheating" would be in your context. A clear-cut secondary relationship could often be viewed as the opposite of "cheating" in polyamory. As long as you are working based on a "poly platform", as you seem to be, I think it is more "cheating" involved in not doing enough yourself to have your needs being met, than in being a little too eager about it. If you, for example, start spending too much time with others, that is more easily corrected than the trouble arising from you getting too dependent on her.

A tacit, but really impossible, assumption that often seems to be made in mono relationships, is that the well-being of your partner is mostly or entirely your responsibility. Some might even say "that's real love" or some other BS. What they forget, is that a mono relationship is NEVER really mono, there are three relationships involved: Your common relationship, and your relationships to yourselves. By opening up, poly is far less prone to this misunderstanding. My responsibility towards myself is always most important, only when that is in proper place, I can start talking about other responsibilities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
Sometimes the solution to finding something is to stop looking for it . I wasn't looking for either of my boyfriends when they came into the picture yet here we all are .

Why couldn't the three of you go to the goth club together? You could meet S in a place where they're both comfortable and aren't going to be on their guard as much. Plus you might actually have fun.
Good, practical advice, I would say
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-21-2010, 06:52 AM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

Quote:
Good, practical advice, I would say
*bows to capricorny*

I do try awful hard at it .
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-21-2010, 08:54 AM
DD123 DD123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 19
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by capricorny View Post
I really fell this "exercise" can be worthwhile for you, DD123. Even in a mono relationship, the relationship could improve if there is some balance in how outgoing you are etc.
Personally I believe that the meaning of life is self improvement. So anything "worthwhile" is totally worth doing!


Quote:
Originally Posted by capricorny View Post
Talk with your partner about what "cheating" would be in your context. A clear-cut secondary relationship could often be viewed as the opposite of "cheating" in polyamory...

A tacit, but really impossible, assumption that often seems to be made in mono relationships, is that the well-being of your partner is mostly or entirely your responsibility... What they forget, is that a mono relationship is NEVER really mono, there are three relationships involved: Your common relationship, and your relationships to yourselves.
Yes I will definitely talk to her about what does and does not constitute cheating.

And we totally understand that. we dont like to use a hierarchy, but her "primary" relationship is with herself, just like my "primary" relationship is with myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
Why couldn't the three of you go to the goth club together? You could meet S in a place where they're both comfortable and aren't going to be on their guard as much. Plus you might actually have fun.
Honestly I havent even thought of meeting S until this thread. But now that Im thinking about it, if we met at the goth club I cant help but think that one of us would be a "3rd wheel"... (Im afraid it would be me, but Id prefer it to be S cuz I wanna be special )

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
Then there's the situation you're in with your gf. I agree that it's worth exploring why you're ok with her sleeping with L and not S (hope I got that right). Maybe L came before you, so somehow this makes it easier for you to palate? Maybe your need to feel special has you wanting her to have met you and want no one since having met you. Someone before you, well, you weren't around yet. Just a thought.
Yes you did get that right and I really think you hit the nail on the head with this one. Please elaborate and tell me more if you can.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
... you have a need to feel special and one way that need is met is by being the only one she sleeps with. This is a very fair request. In that case, maybe poly isn't for you?
I never even heard of poly until my gf. She was raised in a poly home so its totally natural for her, and Im still learning. But I do like the idea of being able to look for a bf while I have a gf. I cant ask her to be something that shes not (mono), and I dont want to loose her because of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
I did notice that the more I accepted in myself that I can (and do!) love more than one person at a time and want to be intimate with them, the more comfortable I felt with my partner(s) being with someone else.
I can totally see myself being more comfortable and accepting if I were more intimate with someone else, cuz its like I dont know until I try it. but like I said before, I feel guilty when I start to be intimate with someone other than my gf. I dont know if I should ask her to wait for me to do that cuz idk how long that will take and it doesnt seem fair to me.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 05-21-2010, 06:08 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,044
Default

[QUOTE=DD123;30086]
Quote:
I dont know if I want to meet her, cuz isnt ignorance bliss?
Not in my life. Not at all.

Quote:
I want to be special!
Then BE special. Maca used to tell me "I SHOULD be your best friend" my response was then BE the BEST of my friends. Same concept here-if you want to be special-then BE special.Stop trying to do/be the things that someone else is to her-and BE who YOU are with all the little special quirks that are wholly YOU with her.


Quote:
If Im not the only one shes sleeping with, I dont feel special.
EEKK-this sentence reads that you are only special based on SEX. That's a shallow factor to base one's importance on. Even in a mono relationship-you aren't special BECAUSE they only sleep with you. It's the other way around sometimes-but not THAT way.

Quote:
Sorry but I have to say this: I get the compersion thing but I kinda feel like its BS. Yes I can be happy that shes happy, but I cant JUST be happy cuz shes happy, I want my cake and eat it too. I need to be happy too and if Im just happy for her i think thats some kind of codependency thing going on.
Compersion isn't about ONLY being happy because she's happy. It's about being happy because she's happy. There's nothing there about you not having things that make you happy for yourself also!

It sounds like a bad case of identifying yourself through her-instead of identifying yourself for your own personal qualities.
Maybe work on identifying what about you IS special and important and what YOU need/want to be happy-then start putting those things into your life...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
compersion, jealousy, special

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:30 PM.