New in the realm of polyamory - looking for advice

I'll try to keep the background as brief as possible to avoid a "wall of text" introduction, but a bit of information is likely required for people giving me advice before I proceed to the actual questions I have.

--Background--

I'm coming up on 28 years old, male, and have had a lifetime of failed and miserable monogamous experiences. This, combined with meeting a female of a similar background brought us into the idea of attempting the pursuit of a polyamorous relationship.

In this, we have one another established as our baseline relationship, with each party being allowed the freedom to go outside of that and explore sexual experiences with others on their own. Our agreement was simply that we'd be honest and forthcoming with information about the development of "external" relationships, so that the partner was always in the loop, and beyond that, no restrictions were set for those other encounters.

We're both extremely new to all of this - and have only been attempting it for roughly three months. Before that, we were sexually active for about four months. She's also been out of state (due to her occupation) for some weeks now, and the distance has made me feel less secure in our relationship, even though we've been able to communicate regularly.

I struggle often with feelings of abandonment, as all of my past serious monogamous relationships have ended with my partner "cheating" and then leaving me for another person - so I knew I was going to struggle with this new concept, but I did not realize the extent to which it would be difficult for me.

--End Background--

Despite my best efforts to prepare myself mentally, the moment came this last weekend, when my partner, in a very respectful and timely manner, expressed to me that she had been with another man the night before. I was respectful in return, and told her that was fine and thanked her for telling me, however, internally, I encountered a massive and completely overwhelming amount of negative emotions, even to an extent I'd classify as depression.

Obviously, a large part of those negative emotions I felt I directly tied to the simple jealousy of her being with another man, but I realized in exploring those feelings, that I also began to feel bitter that I didn't have access to similar experiences. Namely, my work circumstances, along with my social circles, habits, and general temperament are not exactly conducive to finding sexual partners on a frequent basis, but none of those factors are applicable to her situation, so I assume this imbalance will be something I'm going to continue to encounter.

My questions, basically then, are as follows:

1 - I'm sure this is a "polyamory 101" sort of question, but for a person who has been dealing in the dynamics of monogamy their whole life, how do you deal with the jealousy factor when moving into polyamory?

2 - I'm curious to hear if anyone else has encountered this problem I've described of an "imbalance" between each partner's access to external sexual experiences, specifically, the sense of bitterness or feeling "left out" that can result from that, and if so, what they did about it.

Thanks in advance for any replies. Also, as I'm generally new to this, any broad advice on this style of relationship from someone well experienced with it will definitely be welcomed and appreciated.

Personally, I would say dealing with jealousy requires honesty with yourself and your partner. Acknowledge to yourself that you feel the way you feel--and that it's okay to feel that way. Feelings happen. They aren't right or wrong. How you *respond* to those feelings can be right or wrong, but the feelings themselves aren't.

Talk to your partner. Tell her that you're feeling jealous, but that it doesn't mean you want to stop the arrangement. You just want her to know how you feel. If there's something she can do to help (spending extra time with you after another date, telling you before a date instead of after, etc.), ask her to do it.

As for being able to find other partners for yourself, the only suggestion I can offer is checking out websites like OKCupid or AdultFriendFinder. OKC tends to be more poly-friendly, but AFF is where I found the guys listed in my signature, so your mileage may vary.

Hey Ironconey,

I'm also 28 and kinda new to polyamory as well, but I've been in an open relationship for the past year so maybe I'm a bit more experienced? Certainly this is uncharted territory and I find myself vacillating often, asking myself, 'is this really what I want?' So, I think some ups and downs are completely natural.

The first time my boyfriend slept with someone I reacted so badly! I was surprised that he would jump into bed with a stranger and was concerned about his safety. Even though I wouldn't admit it, I was also a bit jealous. I'd gotten a fair amount of action myself, but when the tables turned on my I flipped my lid. It was a typical case of being able to dish it out but not take it.

I've come to see my jealousy and concern as a natural reaction toward my boyfriend expressing his sexuality with someone else. I try my best in those moments to think of it as a concession (a present?) that I can give my boyfriend so he can enjoy the things I like about polyamory himself too. I've learned to trust my boyfriend's taste. He wouldn't jump into bed with anyone; he obviously felt comfortable with this person.

As for the relationship potentially ending, I think of it in a slightly extreme way, like, what are you trying to prevent? Do you want to chain your girlfriend to you so that there's no way she can find another person she might like more? Perhaps she has the same concerns. I've heard of people giving their primary partners exclusive rights to end any other relationships. But, this isn't how we do it. My bf and I accept that someone better for us might come around and when that happens the best thing to do for the other person is to let them go.

However, after a year of being open, I have to say I'm happier in my relationship and also I have a deeper relationship with my boyfriend. I really appreciate his stability and the concession he allows me of sleeping with other men occasionally.

I hope this information is helpful to you! Good luck!

Thank you to the two who have responded so far.

I do feel that honesty/communication is a huge issue in general for maintaining this sort of relationship

I also like the idea of thinking of allowing a partner to be with someone else as a gift - that's a helpful way of viewing the situation, I think.

I was particularly glad to read that your relationship deepened as a result of having those allowances in the relationship.

Regarding the feelings of jealousy, I was interested about the idea of a delineation between the experiencing of a feeling, and how one handles it. Can anyone who has been doing this long term make a statement as to whether that feeling of jealousy is something that never goes away, but you just learn to handle, or is it the case where the experience of that feeling can potentially fade away entirely?

The jealousy thing really depends. Some people stop feeling jealous as they get more used to poly. Some never stop feeling it but learn how to manage the feeling and reactions. There isn't a one size fits all answer; it depends on you.

As a straight male you will always have a harder time finding potential partners. Women are generally more choosy finding sexual partners and are often scared away by open relationships. Men on the other hand don't have as much of a problem sleeping with another man's woman. Most women on here lament how awful it is to have so many to pick through but none are suitable candidates. I know which of the two problems I would rather have. Expect to see your gf blaze far ahead of you in opportunities.

Hi Ironconey,

With jealousy I have found that it is a dual process. Over time I get better and better at handling my jealousy, and, over time I get jealous less and less often. And it's less and less severe when I do get jealous. To the point where it's been years since the last time I was jealous. Of course, the way it works for me isn't the way it will work for everyone.

I have some links for handling jealousy:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

You mentioned that your work circumstances, social circles, habits, and general temperament are not conducive to finding sexual partners on a frequent basis. Are any of those things changeable?

We've had a lot of men visit this forum lamenting the left-out feeling of not finding people to date when their female parter was finding lots of people to date. It's true what graviton says. It's a thing. It happens a lot. You can do damage control, maybe, but you can't eliminate the problem.

That's all I have for now but I'll chime in again if I can think of more.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks again for the replies. It certainly does seem like the jealousy thing affects people to different levels, but now that I have some tools and ideas to work with, I feel hopeful that I have a shot at managing it better in the future.

Regarding the other issue about imbalanced opportunity - I was strangely glad to hear that's a common thing men encounter. For one, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Secondly, after reading the posts, I realized that, at least internally, most of my concerns actually weren't with me as a individual, but were with those male/female dynamics in general. As kdt implied, with the possible exception of my work environment, all of those other things are easily modified to make myself more marketable and accessible to other women.

Now that I've had a chance to revisit the issue from this perspective, I would say I now see the problem more as a thing more of social dynamics. Specifically, in my case, I know that I strongly prefer to develop psychological attachment with my sexual partners before actually having sex, and now that I've thought about it, I think the issue might be with finding a woman who has both the characteristic of sharing that desire for a deep psychological connection, yet at the same time isn't concerned about being, essentially, the "other" woman. In my head, those traits seem, while not entirely incompatible, unlikely to coexist within the same woman at the same time.

To put it another way, I suppose I just assume that a woman willing to invest that much energy into building a psychological/emotional connection with me will want that energy returned to her fully and won't be content with falling into a secondary role in my romantic life.

Can anyone make a statement as to whether or not this tends to be a true assumption, and if so, from the male perspective, how did you respond to it?

Ironconey said:

Regarding the feelings of jealousy, I was interested about the idea of a delineation between the experiencing of a feeling, and how one handles it. Can anyone who has been doing this long term make a statement as to whether that feeling of jealousy is something that never goes away, but you just learn to handle, or is it the case where the experience of that feeling can potentially fade away entirely?

Click to expand...

Hey Ironconey,

I'm glad my experiences could be of some help to you. That's great!

Having now been in an open relationship for two years, I can say that my feelings of jealousy have diminished considerably. Mind you, my boyfriend isn't in any other significant relationships, he just sometimes hooks up with friends or acquaintances and this bothers me less and less because I really do trust him. But, truth is, we're kind of on the rocks, so this might contribute to my feelings of being okay with him hooking up. I'm not sure if this will be the case for you (I hope not!) but I can say that after a year or so the polyamorous aspects of our relationship have been decreasingly stressful for me and more and more just a commonplace part of life, with the caveat that neither of us has entered a significant second relationship or anything.

Re: women who would invest psychological attachment into a secondary relationship ... do exist, I believe, but sure it reduces your dating pool. I don't suppose one of these women could hope for a co-primary status? maybe not immediately, but after she had put sweat equity into the relationship?

Ironconey said:

...Now that I've had a chance to revisit the issue from this perspective, I would say I now see the problem more as a thing more of social dynamics. Specifically, in my case, I know that I strongly prefer to develop psychological attachment with my sexual partners before actually having sex, and now that I've thought about it, I think the issue might be with finding a woman who has both the characteristic of sharing that desire for a deep psychological connection, yet at the same time isn't concerned about being, essentially, the "other" woman. In my head, those traits seem, while not entirely incompatible, unlikely to coexist within the same woman at the same time.

To put it another way, I suppose I just assume that a woman willing to invest that much energy into building a psychological/emotional connection with me will want that energy returned to her fully and won't be content with falling into a secondary role in my romantic life.

Can anyone make a statement as to whether or not this tends to be a true assumption, and if so, from the male perspective, how did you respond to it?

Click to expand...

I can't answer from a male perspective. It's possible to find women who want a deep connection and are fine with not being in a primary relationship. You might be just what a women who identifies as 'solopoly' wants. (Do a tag search here for that term.) Or you may fit well with a woman who has a spouse or primary partner but who also wants more romantic intimacy and connection in her life. It is more likely that a woman who is single would not want what you have to offer but it's not impossible.

I agree with others that it probably makes your dating pool smaller, but it's not impossible. You'll almost certainly have better luck connecting with poly people who are already in existing relationships and so don't mind then if they're not a primary, or for whatever reason aren't looking for a primary.

For us there has not been that much jealousy issues, apart from in the first phasesh of trying out poly. The person who was most jealous was the first guy I was sort of dating... He was jealous of me seeing my inlaws and had trouble relating to my husband. In my relationship with N there are no such issues, although there has been envy issues - L has been envious of the money spent and N has been envious of the ammount of time I spend with L. I strive to find a good balance, but visiting Asia with limited income and having responsability for a job sets some boundries.

As for the upset the other one gets something... Me and L has had that. Especially after I met N he has wondered why he too cant develop a healthy relationship with someone else. I try to support him. I wish he could find that, too, if he wants to.

Well, it seems to me that among the replies, one of the common themes is that these issues I'm having are widely reported and something others also have to deal with - that in and of itself is a comfort to me, I also think some good pieces of advice have been given with reference to how to deal with these situations. I'll definitely be taking some of these suggestions, and sincerely appreciate all of the support I've received thus far. I'll still be reading this thread if anyone else feels they have anything else to add - thanks again!

Ironconey said:

.... I just assume that a woman willing to invest that much energy into building a psychological/emotional connection with me will want that energy returned to her fully and won't be content with falling into a secondary role in my romantic life.

Click to expand...

You're describing exactly what I do look for. The payoff to me (and a lot of poly women) of an emotional connection isn't that I get status or resources or a role to play, it's that I get the emotional connection. I already have plenty of status and resources and am not looking for anyone to bolster me up that way. You are the prize, not what you can provide for me.

FallenAngelina said:

You're describing exactly what I do look for. The payoff to me (and a lot of poly women) of an emotional connection isn't that I get status or resources or a role to play, it's that I get the emotional connection. I already have plenty of status and resources and am not looking for anyone to bolster me up that way. You are the prize, not what you can provide for me.

Click to expand...

That's a very helpful way of looking at it - I think I understand now how the opportunities could exist among poly women, perhaps the way I was approaching the situation was still from the perspective of one who was still functioning within the mono mindset. Thank you for this input.

Oh yeah, we're out here. I am another woman who wants an emotional/intellectual/sexual connection with someone I genuinely like/love/care about, but without all the... complications!... and demands of a totally entwined partnership. Been there, done that, had a partner, the marriage ended, and now I like my independence. I don't need daily contact or even to see someone a couple times a week. Even just once a month or so is fine, if we stay in touch periodically and have a comfortable, loving quality to our dynamic.

Basically, what I look for is this: a guy I can care about, who cares about me, with whom I can have a great time, and then he goes home!

nycindie said:

Oh yeah, we're out here. I am another woman who wants an emotional/intellectual/sexual connection with someone I genuinely like/love/care about, but without all the... complications!... and demands of a totally entwined partnership. Been there, done that, had a partner, the marriage ended, and now I like my independence. I don't need daily contact or even to see someone a couple times a week. Even just once a month or so is fine, if we stay in touch periodically and have a comfortable, loving quality to our dynamic.

Basically, what I look for is this: a guy I can care about, who cares about me, with whom I can have a great time, and then he goes home!

Click to expand...

Amen!