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  #21  
Old 07-21-2009, 11:05 PM
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Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
"Elric" seems to have compersion to the point of being happy for me in my marriage, but is still caught up in the conditioning that he is not allowed to share or be a part of my happiness.

Do you mean he doesn't feel he can be a full part of the relationship between you two or he feels he would be taking something away from it? You should be happy he is so respectful of your relationship. If he does manage to open up you will get a very caring partner in my opinion. Is he monogamous in nature like me?

Take care

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-21-2009 at 11:15 PM.
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  #22  
Old 07-21-2009, 11:56 PM
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He is not sure he can be a part of a poly relationship. He, as he puts it, has had problems with jealousy in past relationships. I feel that if he can talk about it, we can really figure out if this is something he can do and is just afraid, or something that just isn't part of him. He is truly happy that I am happy in my marriage though and is even accepting that I am poly.

When poly was first brought up and a relationship was proposed, he was very interested in learning more and even trying to date and see where it led. Then "something" happened. He says that after meditating and thinking, he "can't picture himself in a polyamourous relationship." But he then admits that things can and may change. He says that what I offer would be ideal, but he's not sure if he can be a "poly-husband" and I think that covers boyfriend as well.

He is sexually monogamous in nature, although as he admits to being in love with me for all of these years, including through his marriage, he knows that he can love more than one person at a time and he knows that polyamory is actually possible and not just an excuse for multiple partners.

I am very happy and lucky that he is so respectful of my marriage relationship. He has never met my husband (that changes this weekend) but he still holds him in very high respect. I know that if he does open himself up to what we are offering, that I will be a very very lucky woman on both halves...with a lot of work cut out ahead of me.

I suppose I could ask how you, Mono, got past the conditioning of "it's wrong to be with someone who is married to someone else, you will only cause harm" if that was an issue for you. That's what I mean by him still being caught up in the conditioning. I'm hoping that meeting my husband and hopefully having a word or two from hubby, as we won't be in a private setting, will help him see that, "maybe this can work...I'm not hurting their relationship." If that is not the case, then I'm going to probably have some pieces to pick up from my broken heart. But I've done it before, I'm sure I can do it again, and this time I will have the wonderful support of my husband to help me get through.
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  #23  
Old 07-22-2009, 12:11 AM
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At first I simply had to meet Redpepper's husband. You are on the right path!

That was the moment I knew it was possible. In seeing them together I knew they had an immense love. That enabled me to open up. I trust that people speak the truth and have been opened up to a world of love and chosen family. I would have walked away otherwise. Even now Redpepper knows I will pull back from this to better her primary family, she doesn't understand how I can deny that aspect of love for her but knows it is true. I have never loved someone so much that I would sacrifice everything else simply to maintain her friendship.

Her husband and me have also had talks where I expressed my concern over hurting his relationship and we reaffirmed each other in our commitment to the health of everyone involved.

Spend casual time together as a group and get to know each other. This won't work unless they are very good friends in my opinion.

Are there other men involved? This is a huge aspect that he may not want to discuss for fear of sounding possessive. That was always more my concern for sure...that is where jealousy would rear it's destructive head for sure!

Take care
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  #24  
Old 07-22-2009, 12:31 AM
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Thank you Mono for your reply and honesty.

Starting from the end and working up, There are no other men involved. If it weren't for "Elric" I probably would not have even looked at this aspect of myself. He is the first person I have ever had feeling of more than friendship for as long as I have been with my husband. And although one cannot tell the future for certain, I don't think I would want anyone else in our lives. I feel that I would be happy with a V relationship as both my men have given all signs of being sexually monogamous.

We do want to spend casual time together, although it is difficult as we live 400 miles apart and weekends are short. Perhaps if this coming weekend works out well and "Elric" and I decide to try and see if this might work, my husband and I can take a weekend away and visit him again. It is easier for us to travel than for him. That would be the only way we could have any privacy to discuss and get the men to know each other at all.

(I hate starting a sentance like this but...) I will be honest, there are other details on his side that I am leaving out that do have some effect on his decision. These details make it even more important for us to take it slowly but do not make it impossible for a relationship.
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  #25  
Old 07-22-2009, 12:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
I will be honest, there are other details on his side that I am leaving out that do have some effect on his decision. These details make it even more important for us to take it slowly but do not make it impossible for a relationship.

That reads as "there is somebody else involved who doesn't know".
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  #26  
Old 07-22-2009, 01:02 AM
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Not exactly, without to much detail, a soon to be ex-wife who wants full custody.

edit* They've been separated for over a year.
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  #27  
Old 07-22-2009, 01:05 AM
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In that case discretion is the better part of valour. I understand.
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  #28  
Old 07-27-2009, 05:51 PM
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I am relieved to see that there are still some issues of jealousy among people who are poly, that it IS something that can be worked on - me NOT being poly, my bf is, I have had major struggles with feeling so hurt and jealous of his other ladies, I thought maybe there was just something wrong and immature with me.

Myself having not been with anyone else while I've been with him, he states that he is not jealous at all but that hasn't been put into practice yet. He has told me of other relationships he has been in in the past where the only thing that bothered him about a gf dating someone else was when they started to spend more and more time with another guy and eventually went mono with them, thus breaking up with him. I find it hard to believe that he is totally unjealous (or is it non-jealous?), but perhaps he really is.

This compersion thing seems to be a very enlightened, happy place to be in and I hope that one day I can achieve it (or something close to). At this point, I am far, far down on the bottom rung of that accomplishment. On the positive side, I have nowhere to go but up.
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  #29  
Old 07-27-2009, 07:53 PM
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I have not ever felt jealous in relationships I have been in. However, I also have never been in a polyamorous relationship, so it is hard for me to tell how I will feel when ouroboros gets romantically or sexually involved with someone else.

What I think about is how love is freeing... for yourself and for the person whom you have feelings for. I think about how I would want to be treated and how I would want someone else to feel for me and show this through supporting me in my endeavors so long as they are healthy and beneficial to my life and thiers. Then I try to treat them in this way...

It is easier said than done, that is for sure!!!
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  #30  
Old 07-27-2009, 08:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post

Imagine being with a partner who couldn't understand you're feelings because they had never experienced them. Imagine trying to communicate a very real concern that affects your reality to someone who can only approach it from the description of a feeling in a book. Imagine how hard it would be for them to rationalize how anything they did could affect you so intensely. You can't truly understand an emotion until you experience it.

D
This would be my concern with a person incapable of jealousy or who hasn't felt it before. Jealousy is normal, human, and manageable. It is as real and valuable as any other emotion; being able to direct it is the key, similar to utilizing fear positively.
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