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  #1  
Old 05-18-2010, 07:07 PM
DD123 DD123 is offline
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Unhappy I wanna be special damn it

Hi! male mono here. my gf is poly and we are both bisexual. We've been going out for a while now and up until a little over a month ago its been just us (I posted a thread at that time).

I get poly on a mental level but im still trying to grasp it emotionally. Ive read the ethical slut and everything on xeromag.

So my gf has been going out on dates at a goth club with this girl (S) I havent met. to my knowledge they havent had sex yet. my gf says she wants to go to the goth club with me but every time I want to go-she doesnt want to go(the under-age goth club is only once a week).

This past weekend she had sex with her female roommate (L). Ive met L and known her as long as ive known my gf, they have had sex before we started going out, I dont feel threatened by L. Because of these factors its easier for me to say ok thats cool and the whole compersion thing.

My friend said that maybe I feel more threatened by S because I havent met her. I dont know if I want to meet her, cuz isnt ignorance bliss?

Back to my title: I want to be special! If Im not the only one shes sleeping with, I dont feel special. If she goes to the club every other week with someone thats not me, I dont feel special. If the only things we do is normal things like go for walks, make dinner, and watch tv, I dont feel special. We used to play guitar together but she hasnt picked up her guitar in a month, shes just not interested in it like she used to and im starting to feel as if shes not interested in me like she used to be-even though she says its not that.

Sorry but I have to say this: I get the compersion thing but I kinda feel like its BS. Yes I can be happy that shes happy, but I cant JUST be happy cuz shes happy, I want my cake and eat it too. I need to be happy too and if Im just happy for her i think thats some kind of codependency thing going on.

Thank you for reading and your feedback
DD123
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  #2  
Old 05-18-2010, 07:12 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
My friend said that maybe I feel more threatened by S because I havent met her. I dont know if I want to meet her, cuz isnt ignorance bliss?
No it isn't...at least in my life

Quote:
Back to my title: I want to be special! If Im not the only one shes sleeping with, I dont feel special. If she goes to the club every other week with someone thats not me, I dont feel special. If the only things we do is normal things like go for walks, make dinner, and watch tv, I dont feel special. We used to play guitar together but she hasnt picked up her guitar in a month, shes just not interested in it like she used to and im starting to feel as if shes not interested in me like she used to be-even though she says its not that.
Then you need to figure out something that is special about your relationship with her. Length of time, type of relationship something that makes you happy and secure.

Quote:
Sorry but I have to say this: I get the compersion thing but I kinda feel like its BS. Yes I can be happy that shes happy, but I cant JUST be happy cuz shes happy, I want my cake and eat it too. I need to be happy too and if Im just happy for her i think thats some kind of codependency thing going on.
There is nothing in compersion that says you can't get things that make you happy. ...thats something you are creating yourself. I can feel compersion but still feel unhappy at times. I just have to figure out why, or even better find something that makes me happy.

Compersion isn't the TOTAL reliance on another persons joy to make you happy. Its simply being joyful at someone elses happiness with the exclusion of jealousy
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Old 05-19-2010, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
Sorry but I have to say this: I get the compersion thing but I kinda feel like its BS. Yes I can be happy that shes happy, but I cant JUST be happy cuz shes happy, I want my cake and eat it too. I need to be happy too and if Im just happy for her i think thats some kind of codependency thing going on.
If you think compersion is the same as co-dependency then you don't know what compersion is. co-dependency is being unable or willing to live your life and do stuff without your partner, compersion is being happy that your partner is living their life and is enjoying their life even when you aren't there.

In fact, they are opposite it seems.
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Old 05-19-2010, 12:03 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Yeah, I'm with Redpepper on this. I'm happy in and of myself, and I do things that make me happy. I also get a warm tingle when I know my GF is doing things that make her happy, including things with her husband or others. It has nothing to do with depending on someone else to make me happy.

My GF's husband is the most special man in her life, and he approves of her taking other lovers. (She has done the same for him.) It doesn't decrease his specialness to her, it increases it. He is the center of her life and he is the one who has said, in effect, "You need a lot of love in your life and I want you to find the lovers, male and female, that you need."

It takes a very, very special man to do that. She recognizes that and appreciates and loves him more for it. This is what I notice: I cannot imagine L without D. Or, rather, when I do imagine her without him I see her as always saddened, diminished, living in shadow. That's how important they are to each other.

Now, the fact is that for monogamous couples the sense of specialness is often linked to exclusivity -- exclusive sexual activity, exclusive emotional connection, or both.

If you're monogamous and you don't want to change, then live it.

If you're poly or need to accept poly, then address the issues. For many of us the feeling of specialness does not have to be linked to exclusivity. It is a separate thing that we get from our lover's unique feeling for us regardless of the feelings they have for other people.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 05-19-2010 at 12:06 PM.
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  #5  
Old 05-19-2010, 09:53 PM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
I get poly on a mental level but im still trying to grasp it emotionally. Ive read the ethical slut and everything on xeromag.
...
My friend said that maybe I feel more threatened by S because I havent met her. I dont know if I want to meet her, cuz isnt ignorance bliss?
....
Back to my title: I want to be special! If Im not the only one shes sleeping with, I dont feel special.
....
Sorry but I have to say this: I get the compersion thing but I kinda feel like its BS. Yes I can be happy that shes happy, but I cant JUST be happy cuz shes happy, I want my cake and eat it too. I need to be happy too and if Im just happy for her i think thats some kind of codependency thing going on.
Is it OK for you if I say that what you write to me indicates you are not that much poly, even mentally?

I believe for most "mentally poly" people, ignorance isn't bliss at all. To the contrary, and when we choose to be ignorant, it's often just because we don't have the capacity to relate to everything passing by.

If your notion of being special is tied to you being the only one she sleeps with - do you think that notion will be very fruitful, relationship-wise? That's not safe to go for, even in mono relationships, I think. Well, you might get that physical monogamy, then, but spiritually, she might be just anywhere. One of the good things with polyamory, as I see it, is that sexuality gets downgraded as "status/proof of relationship symbol", and upgraded in most other respects.

I don't know if I think you have really "got" that compersion thing. I think you are right in that, if you're only happy because she is happy, there may be a codependency thing going on. BUT - is it much compersion in it then? I would rather say "no". Because in "real" compersion, at least in my world, there is quite a bit of cake for you, too. So, at least as a rule of thumb: No cake, no compersion.

I think there is a real need for uniqueness in most relationships, but that's something you have to find and develop together with each partner. You could simply ask her: "Let's think about us marketing our relationship. What's the Unique Selling Property of it?" If you can't really think of any good candidates, maybe it's time to rethink the whole business?

From your presentation, it may well be that you are more into catering for her needs and feelings than she is for yours. But maybe you are both rather inept at it? And whatever way you got there, what's the best strategy for change?
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Old 05-19-2010, 10:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by capricorny View Post
Is it OK for you if I say that what you write to me indicates you are not that much poly, even mentally?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
Hi! male mono here.
He never said he was poly.

Compersion is not a "natural" feeling for most people, it needs to be developed. Even for people who are wired poly, it doesn't always come naturally for compersion to be the first feeling you have when your lover is out with someone else. It's possible to be happy for someone else while at the same time being a little mournful for yourself.
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:30 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Talk to her!!!!!!!

Ask her if there is SOMETHING that she can reserve for just the two of you as 'your' thing!

Is she caught up in NRE? (new relationship energy)

I've discovered that I am more easily able to experience compersion now that I have a secondary of my own. It's still not always easy knowing he's with someone else but now I'm able to look at it from a different perspective.
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:40 AM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
He never said he was poly.
He said:
Quote:
I get poly on a mental level but im still trying to grasp it emotionally. Ive read the ethical slut and everything on xeromag.
His interpretations tells me he hasn't "got" it the way I think he would if he had seen it through "poly eyes", but I think we should be careful about declaring his interpretations "wrong". Saying he is not "mentally poly" was a way of - tautological, as you point out - hinting at this
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Old 05-20-2010, 02:43 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
..............It's possible to be happy for someone else while at the same time being a little mournful for yourself.
Very well said Cat !
And we call it ENVY ! It's natural, and the good thing about identifying it and labeling it properly, is that it helps put it in proper perspective. It's gives us a target to work on. Because at some level at least, there's an element of selfishness in it. And sometimes it also means we are not engaged enough in constructing our own "selves".

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  #10  
Old 05-20-2010, 02:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I think envy is basically a healthy thing. It means you want something for yourself but do not wish for the other person to be without it just because you don't have it.
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