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  #21  
Old 05-18-2010, 04:46 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
Danny, I found it a little incongruous to read that last post of yours and then your tag line, which discourages excuses for not living every day as if it were your last.
Hi Rare. I'm not I follow you. I don't see the correlation between Living your life to the fullest, and trying to be tactful in certain situations. Please feel free to message me as I don't want to derail this thread.
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  #22  
Old 05-18-2010, 09:38 PM
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Default Not derailing :)

I shouldn't have even said that, sorry Danny. I was referring to the duration of the distress and the lame excuses it seemed you were defending. Re-reading, and having made my point in my post, I retract it.
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  #23  
Old 05-19-2010, 02:42 AM
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Hopefully a mutually repsectful arrangement can be figured out. While I don't buy into people staying together for external comfort and safety, I also don't underdtand why people allow themselves to be used to supply these. Independance is one of my most valued characteristics as well as bravery. I was terrified when I left my wife....I had nothing but an old truck, a motorbike and a torque wrench. But I survived and found great strenght in standing on my own two feet.
Hopefully you will be able to work things out or both of you will find the strenght to be fully happy regardless of the initial pain.
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  #24  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:58 PM
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I shouldn't have even said that, sorry Danny. I was referring to the duration of the distress and the lame excuses it seemed you were defending. Re-reading, and having made my point in my post, I retract it.
Thank you.
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  #25  
Old 05-19-2010, 07:04 PM
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I live in the States, and I'm sure your financial stuation complicates things, but I could a divorce from my husband inside two weeks for under a thousand dollars.
"under a thousand dollars" is still a boatload of money. The statistics I've heard say many Americans have to make a monthly decision between paying the power bill and buying groceries.

Living in a separate house? If a single mother of 2 children under 5 can only get a minimum-wage job, her wages won't even cover proper child care... let alone housing, food, clothes, utilities, and transportation.

I'm not saying that staying in a loveless marriage full of fighting and misery is the "right choice" ... I'm just saying, there are so many factors to consider. I can see how for many people, it would seem like the "only choice."
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  #26  
Old 05-19-2010, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I was terrified when I left my wife....I had nothing but an old truck, a motorbike and a torque wrench. But I survived and found great strenght in standing on my own two feet.
Oh Mono...I know i'm new here but i've read many of your posts and I just want to say You are The Awesome!


Cori....

I hope you're still coming back to read these posts even if you don't feel comfortably replying. We all will have varying opinions, take them with a grain of salt, breathe deep...and then walk forward the best you can Choosing where YOU place you feet. No-one will do that for you.

What Mono stated really HITS to the heart of what you want...."being true to yourself". There is nothing more empowering and healing than honesty and self awareness. One of the things I've been asking myself a lot is, am I investing as much energy into growing as an individual as I am in my relationships? I think if you want continue living with your husband and genuinely want to make that relationship the best it can be (in whatever form that might take) then you should perhaps be willing to put things on hold with other people for now. Take some time to really figure out what it means to be true to yourself, as well as what you can offer to be present and caring for your husband.

If the two of you can't find a happy middle ground IT WILL seriously affect your kids, let alone continue to make those personal wounds deeper.


My impression is that you both have a lot to share with each other to heal those old wounds. You and he may be stuck in this painful cycle forever if you aren't willing to make a decision about what you want your relationship to be, regardless of living together or getting divorced.

I hear quite clearly that you will stay married and live together...but have you actually discussed what you want from that?

Whether you're with him as a loving life partner, or with him as a loving friend you still need to communicate with him and he with you. You should both clarify what your boundaries are. If he refuses to discuss things and is simply content to be miserable then you seriously need to do whatever you can to get yourself and the kids out of this environment. One person's misery is like cancer to all those forced to live with it.



I sincerely wish best of luck to you....this might be a long journey but you only have to take one step at a time.

~Zen
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  #27  
Old 05-19-2010, 11:17 PM
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am I investing as much energy into growing as an individual as I am in my relationships?
Good question Zen. It's kind of like the being your own primary. Investing in ourselves is the first thing to do for any of us I think. The trouble comes when we get selfish with that and forget that we have others to keep in mind. We also need to not harm/hinder others. If someone harms us or doesn't think about our best interest, it doesn't mean it is the right thing to start doing things that will harm them in return. The returns on that aren't good and we have essentially become them.
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  #28  
Old 05-20-2010, 12:08 AM
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And the other side of that coin is getting so caught up in trying to 'connect' with others (physically, emotionally, etc.) because you get that awesome rush of NRE, that you really aren't paying attention to growing as an individual...you're simply grasping for any liquid to quench your thirst.

I didn't want to come across as judging Cori, but I think she needs to really question her motives here. In my perspective being poly is about creating loving healthy multiple relationships...I know in my situation I made a choice (and it isn't easy) to completely back off of the attraction I had for my friend. I'm working hard to see if that's something I can bring into my life, but knowing that i'm also bringing it into my husband's. Making sure my home and my family has stability comes first.
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  #29  
Old 05-20-2010, 10:48 AM
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Quote:
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Making sure my home and my family has stability comes first.
*standing o* Absolutely right. IMO the only way you can have a successful poly relationship is having the trust that your core relationship will never be affected. Our gf even said that one of the things that helped her make the decision to accept our offer to move in was that bond between my legal wife and I. It made her feel safe and she knew that she was going to be in a loving environment. Kudos Zen.
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