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  #11  
Old 05-18-2010, 05:26 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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I think that any relationship agreement needs to be balanced and work for BOTH partners, at least in the long-term. The description of your relationship sounds very unbalanced, with you constantly policing his activities, and him trying to cover up. it sounds like a power dynamic where you make the rules and he follows them or breaks them.

Do you want to be an equal partner, or do you want to act like his parole officer?
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  #12  
Old 05-18-2010, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Searching View Post
I wanted to say to him...how hard would it have been to pick up the damn phone and call me before you went over there but I really just don't have the energy to do it anymore. I don't know how to be any clearer as I have explained what I need to feel comfortable and respected over and over again. I feel he is just hoping I will give up on my needs and let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Really at this point the only thing I am thinking of giving up is the relationship.
Have you not already given up on your needs if you decided not to bother trying to be clear?

I'm not hearing that there is *policing* going on Switchditch. She has tried to talk to him about needing respect for her boundaries and he hasn't bothered to listen or act respectfully as far as I can see. I'm not getting where you think she is making the rules...

yes it is unbalanced, but as far as I can see it's his lack of interest in communicating his needs and lack of caring for anyone but himself.

Of course there is only one story here.
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  #13  
Old 05-18-2010, 08:00 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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He said that he would stay with me and remain mono but that in order to do so he had to "turn-off" his sexual desire so our sex life would be pretty non-existent. I'm not really into giving that up.
Sounds like blackmail. If he could so easily "turn-off" his sexual desire (which I call "bullshit" to in the first place), then he could also "turn-off" his sexual desire for multiple people. I don't believe either. He just forced you into an ultimatum, and disguised it as some kind of "sacrifice" he'd be willing to make "for you" when there's really no "for you" in there at all...

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I read the books, we talked about it, then we talked some more....and then a little more. I asked him to read the books too (9 months later...he still hasn't)
That's another red flag. What, is he afraid he might actually learn something about how to do this the right way? That the books might tell him there are some rules (basic human etiquette more than anything) that he'll have to follow to actually call himself "polyamorous" and not just a player?

Frankly, bluntly, it sounds like he hasn't got a clue about polyamory. He lies, sneaks, and tries to get away with things by referring to the "letter of the law" when he doesn't "technically" break the rules, but does break the spirit of the guidelines.
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  #14  
Old 05-18-2010, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
Do you want to be an equal partner, or do you want to act like his parole officer?
What I want is honesty, support, understanding and respect. I want someone that I can share my life and this exploration with that with be upfront and open with me about what is happening in his (and consequently my life). Moving into this, as I am sure most all of you know is not easy, and while the logical mind can look at it and see all the amazing potential the emotional mind can sometimes drag its feet and even full out refuse to move at times.

I don't think I am asking for too much with my guidelines and feel that as I grow to understand my emotions and process them that some of them may even fall away, but I went into this really looking at what I need for now and was quite upfront about it all. I asked to know before hand when something was happening or he was approaching someone about the possibility of a relationship. I asked to be told what happened, not details but generalities...we talked, we kissed, we played. I asked that I meet the person before thing become sexual (not saying I have to be their friend or have the same form of relationship) just meet them so I can get a feel for them and know that they understand what they are getting into and are open and honest with others they might be with. (being friends would just be a bonus) I asked to know when things became sexual....because....well because for right now I need to know because this is a hard part for me and I want to deal with the emotions it brings up and be able to ask for the reassurances that I need. The last was not to have other partners in our bed.

He on the other hand said he requires no guidelines but feels that if I felt the need to place some, he thinks that I must follow those same "rules" with him. I really have no problem doing that though I was surprised by his tit for tat attitude. In the end though he decided that he doesn't want to follow that anymore. He wants to know in general if I am dating someone and when it becomes sexual only. Other then that he doesn't want to meet, hear or talk about my other relationships. (this was unfortunate as I was hoping he could help me process some of the emotions that have come up with this aspect as well, such a guilt and fear).

I don't feel like I am policing him but I do feel like he is tries to cover up...though when asked a direct question he'll answer. Example...tonight when he got home from having coffee at the other woman's house.

me: so what happened tonight.
him: nothing really, we talked, joked around, had coffee...that is pretty much it.
me: I dislike when you say things like "pretty much it". That makes me feel like you are omitting something.
him: .....ummm
me: did you kiss her and touch her?
him: well yeah.......we did make out....but it was really nothing.


And no, obviously the conversation didn't end there and I am really proud that I didn't lose my temper or let my emotions override my verbal skills. I will admit that I can get verbally aggressive when I feel emotional and he feels "attacked" so I am working hard to rein that in without feeling like I am being a doormat and not letting him know how I feel.
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2010, 09:27 PM
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I asked to know when things became sexual....because....well because for right now I need to know because this is a hard part for me and I want to deal with the emotions it brings up and be able to ask for the reassurances that I need.
I think in any poly relationship, or even just an open relationship, this is a no brainer. Whether we have complete trust in our partner or not (which you obviously do not with good reason), a sexual relationship with a third (or more) party needs to be told because it can and may effect everyone. We would hope and trust that our partners are using safe sex practices, and I don't want to judge your husband but do you know for certain that he is having safe sex with these women? Do you know whether or not the subject of being disease free/tested was even broached by him or her? These are all things that effect YOU as long as you are also having sex with him.

Personally, even though I trust Cajun completely, I would still want to know these things before he embarked on a new sexual relationship.

*edit: and by sex and sexual relationship, I mean anything from oral to vaginal to anal...everything
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  #16  
Old 05-19-2010, 04:04 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Definitely a bit different, but my wife and I realized we were poly by first having 3somes. At the start there were ALL sorts of rules that she had. As time passed and she saw that I was respecting those rules, she started removing a few. By talking and sorting through our feelings, TOGETHER, we came to learn that we were indeed poly and started exploring this lifestyle. Before you know it, all rules were gone and we were able to invite our first gf to move in with us!!

This is gonna take time and a lot of work on everyone's part. I don't think rules are bad, so long as you explain why you have them and he agrees. Also remember that he may not "like" the rules, and that's ok, but he should respect them. Just like any relationship, there's a lot of compromise that needs to happen.

Hope this helps some.
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  #17  
Old 05-19-2010, 07:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
Definitely a bit different, but my wife and I realized we were poly by first having 3somes. At the start there were ALL sorts of rules that she had. As time passed and she saw that I was respecting those rules, she started removing a few. By talking and sorting through our feelings, TOGETHER, we came to learn that we were indeed poly and started exploring this lifestyle. Before you know it, all rules were gone and we were able to invite our first gf to move in with us!!
I think this is a great point. Rules can be a useful "springboard" to help deal with discomfort in the early stages. They also act as a good test on whether or not your partner is trustworthy enough to go down the polyamory road. i.e., if he can't even do the right thing when he explicitly knows what you expect, how can you expect him to do the right thing when left to his own devices?

Ideally, once everyone proves that they're sincere, honest and trustworthy, rules should become redundant, as in Danny's case.

In my opinion, by continually breaking the rules, the OP's husband has proven that he is untrustworthy and insincere. Even last night's initial omission of what happen is evidence to that. He doesn't seem to be learning and improving.

What you choose to do with that information, Searching, is of course entirely up to you. Your questions to your husband are completely reasonable. The cornerstones of polyamory are honesty and communication, and you have the right to be communicated with. If for whatever reason your husband is uncomfortable telling you what happened with another partner (generalities, not details), that to me is a bad sign.
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