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  #11  
Old 05-17-2010, 07:49 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
ummm...I am honestly not sure what to say about this. You are in a poly relationship thats working, honest and you don't want your kids to get involved.

In my world thats a serious mindfuck...(excuse the language people )

How are you, as the bf, ever going to convince or talk to the father of your gf and fully expect him to accept and understand the relationship structure his daughter is in when you aren't convinced of it yourself.

I would think the first question out of his mouth would be "what would you think if it was your daughter"...

I think I have been shocked and awed... I really wish you the best of luck with your talk...I hope it works out. ...
My thoughts exactly. I understand that this lifestyle isn't for everyone, but out of all of our monogamous friends, the girls and I have the healthiest relationship. I know this because we're the ones that they all call when this one did that, or that one did her...yeah, that serious. As Aria stated, you're in a poly relationship that is working out wonderfully...so far. Why wouldn't you want your daughter to have as much love as possible surrounding her? I have two women that love me implicitly, care about me, and cherish me as much as I do them. Why wouldn't I want that for my son...if I had one of them lil devils. :P

Either way, good luck with your chat and I say be yourself. Obviously his daughter thinks that you're safe or she wouldn't be moving in with you and your wife. I also suggest but as straight forward with him as possible. As tough as it can be, honest truly is the best policy. Just make sure you give him the same disclaimer I give all my family members. Understand that you can ask a question, but you're going to get an answer regardless of whether you like it or not. LOL Ok, maybe save that for after you get to know him a bit better.
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  #12  
Old 05-17-2010, 11:09 PM
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I have to say I feel similar to Ariakas.
My oldest daughter is 18. If she told me she was in a happy, healthy monogomous relationship-I'd be happy for her. IF she told me she was in a happy healthy polyamorous relationship-I'd be happy for her.

I don't want my daughter to give up her dignity either. In my life I have given up my dignity a few times for relationships-all of them were monogomous... My polyamory has never forced me to give up my dignity....

Perplexed.
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  #13  
Old 05-18-2010, 12:21 AM
TheRainKing TheRainKing is offline
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Default Like I said..

Like I said before, this entire idea of polyamory is new to me. So when I say things like I said about my feelings toward my daughter and how I wouldn't want her in a polyamorous relationship you have to take into account again my upbringing. My father is a preacher, my mother a submissive preacher's wife. I have been raised to be the head of my household and have walked a careful line in respecting women and worshipping them while still maintaining that domestic leadership. So my thinking regarding my daughter is that I know how careful I've had to be in this relationship, setting it up, talking it over, etc. There have been many long talks between my wife and I and then again between the three of us and there are so many factors that could go wrong that I don't think will so yeah, I would fear for my daughter starting a polyamorous relationship. I wouldn't want her to get into anything she couldn't handle and I wouldn't want her to take the chances that she could be neglected by either spouse or lover. Now if she called me one day and said, "I'm in a polyamorous relationship and it's awesome, everyone respects each other, etc." then I think it'd be easier for me but just like I would imagine any father to be I would be nervous about it.
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Old 05-18-2010, 12:27 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I get that rainking-
but would you not be concerned if she popped up with a boyfriend anyway?
All of those intricacies you mention in regards to this poly relationship you have-those things are necessary in mono relationships too-and too often they are overlooked (see our high rate of divorce).
I worry that no man will be good enough for my daughter-much less 2 or more. I honestly don't worry about women-because she's made it clear that she's not bi or gay-and we're open that I am bi and her best friend is openly gay.
BUT I would if she were.


I too was raised in a religious home-as was my lover. We went to church 3 times a week at minimum. My parents were the youth leaders. It was a STRICT family dynamic.

BUT-when I told my dad I was getting married he was VERY concerned-JUST because I'm his child. When I later told him we were poly and I had a boyfriend-he wasn't worried. Because by that time the bf had been around for 16 years and he knew him to be an upstanding if sometimes too gentle soul.
BUT if I had told him I had two significant others that he didn't know-he would have been no more or less concerned than when I told him I was marrying Maca.

Does this help you see where I was coming from?

GOOD LUCK anyway!! I know you are worried and rightfully so!! I do hope the discussion has been helping you in your consideration.
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Old 05-18-2010, 02:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRainKing View Post
Like I said before, this entire idea of polyamory is new to me. So when I say things like I said about my feelings toward my daughter and how I wouldn't want her in a polyamorous relationship you have to take into account again my upbringing. My father is a preacher, my mother a submissive preacher's wife. I have been raised to be the head of my household and have walked a careful line in respecting women and worshipping them while still maintaining that domestic leadership. So my thinking regarding my daughter is that I know how careful I've had to be in this relationship, setting it up, talking it over, etc. There have been many long talks between my wife and I and then again between the three of us and there are so many factors that could go wrong that I don't think will so yeah, I would fear for my daughter starting a polyamorous relationship. I wouldn't want her to get into anything she couldn't handle and I wouldn't want her to take the chances that she could be neglected by either spouse or lover. Now if she called me one day and said, "I'm in a polyamorous relationship and it's awesome, everyone respects each other, etc." then I think it'd be easier for me but just like I would imagine any father to be I would be nervous about it.
You're right, I forgot that this is new to you and still probably difficult to understand. I don't have any kids so I won't claim to even be able to understand what a parent has to think/worry about. The comment that I was referring more to was that you wouldn't want this life for your daughter. Let her make that decision. You can do your best to raise them, but fact is that kids do what they want. Believe me, my mother never thought she'd have 2 daughter in laws...from the same son, but in our talks she's realized that I'm an adult and will live my life as I choose. I will make mistakes, but I have to make those mistake in order to learn.

Thanks again for sharing your story with us.
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  #16  
Old 05-18-2010, 05:02 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Fair enough, I rescind my "mind fuck" comment.

I just want to say though...if I had a kid, I would be worried about any potential crappy relationship, poly or mono...I am sure we have all been through them, its a part of the learning process
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  #17  
Old 05-18-2010, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
Just make sure you give him the same disclaimer I give all my family members. Understand that you can ask a question, but you're going to get an answer regardless of whether you like it or not. LOL Ok, maybe save that for after you get to know him a bit better.
I love it! Permission to pull that phrase out when I'm backed into a corner.
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  #18  
Old 05-18-2010, 05:38 PM
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My question is, why is it YOUR responsibility to communicate your girlfriend's lifestyle to her father? It sounds like the girlfriend and wife initiated all of this, and you're still working out your own feelings about the whole thing.

So in my mind, it makes more sense to defer explanations to the girlfriend and wife. If the daughter explains to her father that this is her decision and she's happy with it, then he'll have no leg to stand on. If the father confronts you about it, just say "Your daughter and my wife want this and I'm still processing my feelings. I would feel more comfortable if you asked them those questions." That makes it crystal clear that you're not forcing his only daughter into some kind of harem.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 05-19-2010 at 11:51 PM.
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  #19  
Old 05-19-2010, 01:02 AM
TheRainKing TheRainKing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
My question is, why is it YOUR responsibility to communicate your girlfriend's lifestyle to her father? It sounds like the girlfriend and wife initiated all of this, and you're still working out your own feelings about the whole thing.

So in my mind, it makes more sense to defer explanations to the girlfriend and wife. If the daughter explains to her father that this is her decision and she's happy with it, then he'll have no leg to stand on. If the father confronts you about it, just say "Your daughter and my wife want this and I'm still processing my feelings. I would feel more comfortable if you asked them those questions." That makes it crystal clear that you're not forcing this only daughter into some kind of harem.
This suggestion is one of the best yet and since reading it I have spoken with the wife and girlfriend. We've decided we're all going to sit down together when he arrives, she'll say her thing and then if he has any questions for the rest of us we'll all talk it over with him together. I hadn't really even wondered why I was going to be the one doing the talking so kudos to you for the suggestion and thank you.

I appreciate you all taking your time to put in your two cents. Thank you for the valuable input.
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  #20  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:55 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
I love it! Permission to pull that phrase out when I'm backed into a corner.
ABSOLUTELY!! Permission Granted! (Felt like I had to formally say that...LOL)

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRainKing View Post
This suggestion is one of the best yet and since reading it I have spoken with the wife and girlfriend. We've decided we're all going to sit down together when he arrives, she'll say her thing and then if he has any questions for the rest of us we'll all talk it over with him together. I hadn't really even wondered why I was going to be the one doing the talking so kudos to you for the suggestion and thank you.

I appreciate you all taking your time to put in your two cents. Thank you for the valuable input.
Schrod, well done!! TRK, good luck, again, and can't wait to see how it goes.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-19-2010 at 04:45 PM. Reason: merge posts
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