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  #11  
Old 05-18-2010, 04:50 AM
cori cori is offline
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That could take years really. Life is too short.
I think I will leave this forum and find a divorce/ seperation one.
But then no one there will understand polyamory.
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  #12  
Old 05-18-2010, 07:09 AM
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It's all fine and dandy for everyone to sit in their privileged lives and say "you need to get divorced" ... when they're not the ones who will be out on the street, with no health care, scrounging for a roof over their head, struggling to make ends meet.

I'm actually going to take a completely different side from everyone else.

It sounds like "the romantic and loving version" of your marriage is over. But if you and your husband still have friendship, if you still enjoy each other's company, you enjoy sharing household responsibilities but just don't have sexual feelings for one another anymore, then what right does anyone else have to dictate how your marriage is allowed to look?

As I see it, the issue is that you need love, romance, and sex, and perhaps your husband does not. It sounds to me that you've made every effort to make your marriage work, and that your husband has just dug in his heals and given up.

I've heard about couples who "grew apart" as lovers but were still close as friends and were happy living together as room mates. In the US, marriage is a very beneficial social arrangement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
i dont see how my new relationship is cheating as I am open about what is going on AND the intimate and emotional relationship with my husband ended a long time ago.
If I walk in to a store and say "I'm going to take this candy bar without paying for it" and the clerk says "no, you're not allowed" and then I do it anyway, would you agree that's called stealing?

If you're having sex with someone outside your marriage and your husband does not consent, then that's commonly referred to as cheating. Regardless of how you felt about your marriage not satisfying your needs, it's unrealistic to expect your husband to just be ok with the thought of his wife in another man's arms.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I suggest you also find a good lawyer and that he does too and work on your separation. There is no good reason to stay it seems and I'm sorry, finances are not a good enough reason just as kids aren't. It may take time, but it is possible.
RedPepper, we need to remember that we are SO LUCKY to live in Canada, where at the bare minimum, you always know that if you get really sick and need to be hospitalized, your government will take care of that. But if this woman had given up her career to raise children and were relying on her husband's health benefits for her $1,500 per month medical treatment, then divorce could literally mean her death. We have no idea what her situation is, so it's over-simplistic to say "finances are not a good enough reason."

Things can be so much more complex than just "both of you are not happy, the only recourse is divorce." If it were simply a matter of "I wouldn't be able to go on my cruises if we got divorced" then you would have a point. But in the States, their government has made marriage into so much more than a simple institution. Losing your marriage can have beyond-drastic consequences, to the point of some people paying 50% of their salary to each of 3 women... now how are you supposed to make $150,000 alimony payments on a $100,000 salary?
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  #13  
Old 05-18-2010, 02:52 PM
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You are right sch, it is a privelege to marry and it is also, for some, to divorce. But I think anyone could separate. That to me is not a privilege.

I have been supporting my tersiary these last couple of months as his arrangement with his wife has crumbled. I see many similarities to this situation. Actually, its right down to the tee except that my tersiary now has a girlfriend and me.

For YEARS they played the "we can't afford it" card about splitting up and getting two places and now its a freakin nightmare with two kids in the middle. They should of split the house when they were still being civil to one another and not when neither could stand each other any more. To sit and say, "I can't do it" just isn't acceptable to me. There is always something to do. Even if its just a change in attitude from "I can't" to, "I will." just a start is acceptable to me, because this situation I am convinced, will self distruct. Especially that the op seems to be in a state of denial. At least that is what I get from it.
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  #14  
Old 05-18-2010, 02:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You are right sch, it is a privelege to marry and it is also, for some, to divorce. But I think anyone could separate. That to me is not a privilege.

I have been supporting my tersiary these last couple of months as his arrangement with his wife has crumbled. I see many similarities to this situation. Actually, its right down to the tee except that my tersiary now has a girlfriend and me.

For YEARS they played the "we can't afford it" card about splitting up and getting two places and now its a freakin nightmare with two kids in the middle. They should of split the house when they were still being civil to one another and not when neither could stand each other any more. To sit and say, "I can't do it" just isn't acceptable to me. There is always something to do. Even if its just a change in attitude from "I can't" to, "I will." just a start is acceptable to me, because this situation I am convinced, will self distruct. Especially that the op seems to be in a state of denial. At least that is what I get from it.
While I agree with your overall post, you gotta remember that what's not acceptable for you, may be perfectly ok with someone else. Without knowing all of the history between them, how can you say what's acceptable in her life?

I'm not trying to be a d-bag about this but I always find it tough to just sit quietly when someone seems to be forcing their views on someone else. Now, I'm fairly certain that's not what you're doing, but you are definitely coming across as "you're stupid for not doing this". I mean no disrespect, just expressing my opinion.
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2010, 03:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
While I agree with your overall post, you gotta remember that what's not acceptable for you, may be perfectly ok with someone else. Without knowing all of the history between them, how can you say what's acceptable in her life?

I'm not trying to be a d-bag about this but I always find it tough to just sit quietly when someone seems to be forcing their views on someone else. Now, I'm fairly certain that's not what you're doing, but you are definitely coming across as "you're stupid for not doing this". I mean no disrespect, just expressing my opinion.
I very much bring my own stuff in on this one as it is very fresh for me. That bit you *bolded* is most definitely my own shit. Point taken.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-18-2010 at 03:47 PM.
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  #16  
Old 05-18-2010, 03:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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That is kind of the point of a forum setup though, ideally people with different opinions all post on a related topic and the person can make as an informed decision as possible with non professional opinionators. I don't always agree with RP, and she likely doesn't always agree with me, but having the differing opinion there gives great food for thought

I do hope people don't post on this site expecting everyone to agree wholeheartedly...sometimes a smack upside the head is needed
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  #17  
Old 05-18-2010, 04:10 PM
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Did you say the magic word AK? *smacking* I have been known to give a good smacking sometimes.

That's why I called myself redpepper. Its all good and then comes the bite.

Seriously though, I don't think she is stupid, I do think a lot of other things though, but what's the point? She isn't interested in changing, just dealing. I have nothing to say on that. And that is fine. We all do what we need to to survive. I just prefer to thrive rather than survive and she seems to have a difference of opinion on that for herself.
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  #18  
Old 05-18-2010, 04:10 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
That is kind of the point of a forum setup though, ideally people with different opinions all post on a related topic and the person can make as an informed decision as possible with non professional opinionators. I don't always agree with RP, and she likely doesn't always agree with me, but having the differing opinion there gives great food for thought

I do hope people don't post on this site expecting everyone to agree wholeheartedly...sometimes a smack upside the head is needed
Totally agree with you Ariakas, but that "smack" can be delivered in a fashion that maybe isn't as harsh. Believe me I'm all for telling it like it is, but I try to do so in a fashion that is more constructive than criticism and that stems from years of arguments between my wife and I.
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  #19  
Old 05-18-2010, 04:24 PM
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Danny, I found it a little incongruous to read that last post of yours and then your tag line, which discourages excuses for not living every day as if it were your last.

Of course no one on here knows the full situation of anyone posting, but what I respond to, Cori, if you haven't left the forum because you got an opinion you didn't like, is that the OP started out describing how long this bad situation has been going on. I'm sure we all have compassion for the misery Cori wrote about, but part of support is telling the hard truth as we see it to someone who is too enmeshed in the situation to see clearly.
Here's what we do know:

Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
I have been married for 14 years , we have two children. I had been unhappy in our marriage and in myself for a long time. I had tried to talk to my husband about my issues but our communication has been pretty poor which i suppose has lead to relationship breakdown. About two years ago I started chatting online and got to know various people.
Who knows how long "a long time" is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
We stopped having sex about 18 months ago , moved into seperate rooms etc. He seemed to accept this and did not try an alter things. Meanwhile i started dating, he was aware of this but I wasnt totally upfront about it (meaning I didnt tell him 'im going out with x tonight) .
So now we know Cori started talking to people online, stopped having sex with her husband shortly thereafter, and began dating other people without being "upfront" about it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating.
Well, it is. You are still married to him and he does consent to this.

Cori's husband has stayed around for two years (at least), unhappy, not consenting to the circumstances of his life, and Cori has continued to engage in other relationships regardless of the fact that her marriage is dead and she knows she is hurting the father of her children, whose finances are somehow tied to hers in an "inextricable" way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
What else can I do to help my husband.? I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
You can't help him. He needs to help himself, and you are exactly right that you are responsible for being true to yourself, Cori. You said that getting a divorce could take years? After all these years of being unhappy for both of you (and your kids!)? I live in the States, and I'm sure your financial stuation complicates things, but I could a divorce from my husband inside two weeks for under a thousand dollars.

I know I don't know you, Cori, and you may have already left because some of us are not buying the fact that you are a helpless victim here just trying to do the right thing. From an outside perspective, which I think is what you came here for, both you and your husband are too afraid to end a marriage that keeps you comfortably miserable. It really is out of concern for all involved that I say- after all these years and all this hurt, there is no excuse for prolonging it another moment unless you just don't want to, in which case, this will be your life for years to come and you have no one to blame but yourself. How are you ever going to have something real and fulfilling in your life within these painful and disconnected circumstances?

Be brave woman, there's always a way. You can start right now figuring it out if you can take responsibility for it.

I am sorry you are all hurting. I hope to hell you figure it out because life is too short and nothing worth having can be had without risk of losing everything. Don't be afraid, you can do this and be a happier woman, better mother, and better partner for it.

-R
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  #20  
Old 05-18-2010, 04:36 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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RP, a good smack can be good fun sometimes

Danny, I understand what you are saying. Being diplomatic sometimes just doesn't cut the mustard...

To the op, my first marriage rings very in line with this topic. Almost dead on, albeit the ages are different (I was 23ish she was 28 and we had been together 7 years). As the guy in this equation I had simply given up. I didn't even know why...post relationship I realized I had fallen out of love, for many reasons. Regardless of a lack of passion, I had no affection for her, no excitement. She had begun going out, dating and generally ignoring me. We ended up in separate rooms and living different lives.

The best thing she ever did to me was cheat (ps, I knew the entire time, I knew she was dating, she asked permission, I didn't care about anything...but in the end she cheated because I was not in a place to make those decisions, I don't blame her for cheating btw...I was in no place to be in a relationship with her...). It lit something inside of me....FEELINGS...I had become so cold and indifferent I had forgotten what any feeling was like. I strolled through my dad's death, didn't care about my partner, discarded friends. I saw my life as a series of credits rolling up the screen. Her being with someone else...woke me right up. We split shortly thereafter and had some great hate sex btw.

I don't know the entirety of your situation, I understand what RP is saying, because to be honest, I wish my friends had had the gonads to smack her upside the head and force the situation...I wish my friends had had the gonads to tell me how much they disliked her and how much they wanted me out of the relationship. People who are nice and kind and polite...are great...but sometimes, it takes the harsh reality to be thrown in your face....

Again, I don't know details of your situation. Your story resonates with me because I can relate to the partner. In the same breath, as me NOW...I completely respect RP's viewpoint as well...I don't even know if you will read this, but I still wish you luck. I came out the otherside of this a much ... different person, lets just say I took a 180 in my life in almost every aspect of it. Much stronger and more in tune. That was a huge life lesson for me...

Last edited by Ariakas; 05-18-2010 at 04:38 PM.
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