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  #11  
Old 05-16-2010, 09:36 PM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Red face ..thank you all

First of all I would like to thank you all for your kind words of support during this difficult time for me. I am currently reading and re-reading all of your responses. It takes me a little while to really absorb your words. Thank you to all that reached out to me .... it means a lot. And there is really a lot more to this situation than meets the eye... I could really use a friend or two to discuss my feelings with because..well this isnt really something I can go to my close friends about....
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  #12  
Old 05-16-2010, 09:47 PM
Zenchild Zenchild is offline
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Oh Angels.... *big hugs* ....I so TOTALLY feel your pain.

In my relationship i'm the poly with a mono partner. Even tho i'm poly I too suffer from Comparisons Disease....INTENSELY. It's something i've struggled with my whole life, and it doesn't just rear it's head in romantic involvements, but in all parts of my life. As others have pointed out it is part and parcel with jealousy. I think you have to embrace that to really get past it.

After many years of pretending I was okay and telling myself over and over ..."I'm okay". I realized I wasn't. Not in the least. And I realized that only by THOUGHTFULLY WORKING on this could I get past it. This was not about anyone else or my relationship with them, it's about ME!

I was extremely afraid of going to a therapist but I decided I needed to go and I was willing to work at finding one that I clicked with. Not every therapist is a good therapist for you. I wanted someone who was aligned with my morals and beliefs and how I self-identify. This is a chance for you to embrace fully who you ARE and be totally yourself with someone who is there to support you unconditionally.

If you really want to move thru/past this you need to be willing to work at it. It's not going to be easy and it won't be quick. One thing i've learned which really hit me....(what HITS you may be different), is that all of my negative emotions are turned inward. Whenever i'm stressed or ill, or feeling blue or tired...there's a voice that pops up pretty quickly which critiques my every action and emotion. Ignoring the voice doesn't help a bit...i've learned to recognize it and then say to myself 'hey that's great but not for me!" Don't give it power by fighting it...just move forward and wave goodbye.


By happenstance through these forums I came across some really well written articles on polyamory and relationships.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

I can't recommend that you read these enough. Read them all once, then read them again...and then again. There are some amazingly down to earth and powerful suggestions here for personal growth.


And as others have said, NEVER hesitate to talk to your partner.
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  #13  
Old 05-17-2010, 05:41 AM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Default Trying to not get upset/angry

Okay, again this is all really hard for me... this may sound silly and juvenile but i really cannot control where my feelings take me...
I just went through the multiple tabs open on my google chrome window... my boyfriend and i use the same computer... and he had a window up about caring for secondary partners...and this over whelming amount of hurt feelings entered into my head... i dont really see him worry about how to treat me better... why would he want to focus on how to treat her better...when he doesnt seem to care about my feelings... i truly cannot stand feeling like she is more important than me... that he cares for her more than me... i cannot even stand the thought of him caring about her feelings...

ughh... sometimes im okay with all of this and than other times.... i just wish i never opened myself up to get hurt in the first place... i just feel so... defeated..

i know it is something so small... but it triggers so many other emotions...
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  #14  
Old 05-17-2010, 06:46 AM
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Just for the record, someone who is mono wired is not going to like the ethical slut. At least that is what I have experienced. In fact I have known it to simply anger and scare mono people. Love without limits is a far better option as it explains possible "why" someone is poly not "how" to be someone who is.

I like this a lot. thanks breathgirl!
"My lightbulb moment came when I realized that he CHOSE to come home to me each and every time he was with someone else. He didn't come home because he had to, I don't own him. He came home because he wanted to. He wanted to spend time with me. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to help me make my life more than it already is, he wants me to help him make his life more."

I also agree with Rarechild, I suspect your comparison issues started before this relationship. Nothing like poly to bring up stuff that we sometimes wish would not be brought up. But really, it makes us more alive to get through issues... so maybe try and see it this way. You can recover from this *illness*, and I do rather prefer *illness* to *disease* and on can recover from an *illness* I feel whereas recovering from a *disease* somehow seems less probable.
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Just for the record, someone who is mono wired is not going to like the ethical slut. At least that is what I have experienced. In fact I have known it to simply anger and scare mono people. Love without limits is a far better option as it explains possible "why" someone is poly not "how" to be someone who is.

I like this a lot. thanks breathgirl!
"My lightbulb moment came when I realized that he CHOSE to come home to me each and every time he was with someone else. He didn't come home because he had to, I don't own him. He came home because he wanted to. He wanted to spend time with me. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to help me make my life more than it already is, he wants me to help him make his life more."

I also agree with Rarechild, I suspect your comparison issues started before this relationship. Nothing like poly to bring up stuff that we sometimes wish would not be brought up. But really, it makes us more alive to get through issues... so maybe try and see it this way. You can recover from this *illness*, and I do rather prefer *illness* to *disease* and on can recover from an *illness* I feel whereas recovering from a *disease* somehow seems less probable.
I've been away forever, but reading this has reminded me of all the wisdom that RedPepper has. Very well said.
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  #16  
Old 05-17-2010, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
I've been away forever, but reading this has reminded me of all the wisdom that RedPepper has. Very well said.
Why thank you.

Actually I think its not so much a *disease* or *illness* as such but a *virus*. Because it was picked up from somewhere rather than having been manifested from within. Somewhere along the line one decides they are in some way not good enough. That is taught, it doesn't just happen. We aren't born to think that, it becomes ones take on themselves. Yes, *comparison virus* I think is the best description yet.
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  #17  
Old 05-17-2010, 05:52 PM
Zenchild Zenchild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Actually I think its not so much a *disease* or *illness* as such but a *virus*. Because it was picked up from somewhere rather than having been manifested from within.

Yea....I'd agree with this wholeheartedly.


Angels....it's okay...take a deep breath. You ARE going to feel this way sometimes (probably even a lot in the beginning), it won't go away over night. It does hurt. Have you sat down with your SO for a heart to heart? Have the two of you discussed boundaries for your relationship? Are there actions he can take that will help you feel fully supported? You both need to work on this, as individuals and also as a couple.

This is just my opinion but I think that in any relationship you have to strive to be self aware....meaning that you should be able to share with your partner specific things they can do to help/love/support you, depending on the situation. No one is a mind reader, no matter how long they've known you and some times events occur that bring to light new things. As others have said communication is key. Keep talking and don't be afraid to ask for things...you might need to be open minded and find a middle ground (your partner is going to need things too), but this is all about growing together. Have you asked him how much time/energy/love he's able to put forth towards what you and he have together?
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  #18  
Old 05-18-2010, 05:19 PM
SunLover SunLover is offline
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Interesting, I am in the opposite position - that of secondary, struggling to figure out where I stand with his primary. There are times when I can tell him being with me makes her feel awful and that, in turn, makes me feel awful/guilty and both of us feeling awful/guilty makes him feel awful, which adds to the awful. It's an awful cycle of awful! There is no magic way to feel better about the situation - as others have mentioned, it takes a lot of work, but if there is love and respect on all sides it is doable.

I think it is important to acknowledge that everyoneneeds to feel loved, desired and "safe" in their relationship. You are obviously very, very important to him and how you feel matters! If I have learned anything (being a new poly) it is that communication is key. Don't pretend it is okay if it isn't - express how you feel! I really hope you can work through your emotions and find joy in your relationship. Send me a message if you ever want to chat!
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  #19  
Old 05-18-2010, 06:31 PM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Why thank you.

Actually I think its not so much a *disease* or *illness* as such but a *virus*. Because it was picked up from somewhere rather than having been manifested from within. Somewhere along the line one decides they are in some way not good enough. That is taught, it doesn't just happen. We aren't born to think that, it becomes ones take on themselves. Yes, *comparison virus* I think is the best description yet.
I would have to agree that your description is the best one yet... because comparing yourself to another is definitely something that is picked up along the way during ones life. For me- like many females- I have Dad issues... the desperate need of love and affection from a male because as a child and young adult I never got it from my father. Truth be told... I have no idea how to UN TEACH myself of the nasty negative behavior....any thoughts...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunLover View Post
Interesting, I am in the opposite position - that of secondary, struggling to figure out where I stand with his primary. There are times when I can tell him being with me makes her feel awful and that, in turn, makes me feel awful/guilty and both of us feeling awful/guilty makes him feel awful, which adds to the awful. It's an awful cycle of awful! There is no magic way to feel better about the situation - as others have mentioned, it takes a lot of work, but if there is love and respect on all sides it is doable.

I think it is important to acknowledge that everyoneneeds to feel loved, desired and "safe" in their relationship. You are obviously very, very important to him and how you feel matters! If I have learned anything (being a new poly) it is that communication is key. Don't pretend it is okay if it isn't - express how you feel! I really hope you can work through your emotions and find joy in your relationship. Send me a message if you ever want to chat!
Thank you for your interest in my post. It is always nice to get to see the other sides point of view. And you are absolutely right... it is an awful cycle of awful.... how to break the cycle... who knows...

That being said... I have another thought in my mid...
I have been going through many many different portals of the forum and reading so many different posts and responses. And a part of me cannot help but get a little angered. 1. I feel like by me trying to come to terms with all of these feelings for the sake of my partners happiness is a wonderful and beautiful loving thing.... but I am doing it for someone else's happiness. I do in-fact want to be able to come to terms with the Poly lifestyle and not be hurt by it. I get upset because I feel like I'm the one doing all the emotional hard work for the sake of the relationship...make sense? Like I am changing myself and how I look at things for him...because "its how he is" shouldnt it be the same the other way around... why cant he he do what I am doing for him.. but for me... make sense??? It is frustrating... I feel like i am catering to his needs and no so much of my own....hummm....
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  #20  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:47 PM
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Have you talked to him about this? What sort of reaction did you get?

He can't help you or do more for you if he doesn't know you need anything. Yes, you are making an effort to understand and accept his needs. And that's fantastic! At some point, he told you 'I need the freedom to love another in addition to you,' or something similar. He expressed a need, and you are helping him fulfill it. You seem very frustrated that he is not helping to fulfill your needs. I can't help but wonder if you have told him what those needs are.

Because if you're having calm, non-accusatory, open conversation about what you need from your relationship, and he is simply ignoring it, that's probably a larger issue than just dealing with polyamory.

You haven't said whether you've met the second woman or not. Have you? I find people are a lot more intimidating as the mysterious 'other.' Meeting in person and realizing they have quirks and flaws just like the rest of us usually goes a long way toward calming my nerves.

(For reference, I am a polyamorous woman. I helped my husband come to terms with this, and he has realized that he is also polyamorous. We are new enough that there is still a lot of learning about ourselves and our issues before this is 'smooth.' I have started seeing a man who is very likely wired monogamous, as you seem to be. It's tough for him to understand that he is not replaceable. We talk a lot about how this is going to work in the long run. All three of us.)
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