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  #11  
Old 05-06-2010, 04:00 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Default Update on mother wanting to chat

Sorry, for the delay (not like I thought you all were on the edge of your seats), but there's been tons going on this week.

We did talk with my parents, and all in all it went fairly well. Dh and I had a printed list of points to discuss (it works well this way for them/us). Early on, my mother made a nasty comment about how the conversation seemed all one-sided and by the end she stormed off b/c she had made a comment that I was manipulative like her and I simply stated that I didn't consider myself a manipulative person (although I think we all manipulate in some ways as human beings).

There is so much more that I'd like feedback on including dealing with my friends and my bf's recent statement that he doesn't see this being a long-term relationship, but I'm simply too drained (he and I were up late last night discussing it and DS2 was not able to be convinced to go back to sleep with mama).
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  #12  
Old 05-07-2010, 01:21 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Default Some obstacles we are experiencing

When I posted that last thread about my mother, one of the members (I forgot the screen-name, sorry) suggested that if my husband isn't *totally* ok with our poly-relationship, then I'm cheating. I must say I felt more than a little defensive since I have gone out of my way to be respectful of his wishes.

He came to *me* and said that bf and I could resume our sexual relationship. Regrettably, bf and I did initially commit infidelity which began the exploration into polyamory, but since then dh and I have been having open dialogue.

He first consented to us remaining friends b/c he understood that bf filled a role for me that he could not (bf and I both suffer from PTSD and major depression), and then as time went on, and in talking with his best friend who is in an open relationship, dh realized that he was torturing himself--that no matter whether he consented to us being friends or lovers, he would wonder if I was seeing him AND that my love for bf was not a threat to my love for him. I spent several days talking with him about it, and it was clear that it was freeing for him to not obsess. Another data point is that a therapist suggested to him that maybe he would enjoy having a relationship with a woman w/o quite so much baggage (sex can be very difficult for me).

He is currently trying to pursue a relationship with a woman, but it is slower going than he hoped and I notice that when he is feeling disappointed there, he expresses hesitance about my sexual relationship with my bf. I replied to him that if he wants us to put that on hold, we will, even though obvee bf and I would not want to. He has requested this and bf and I will respect it.

Last week, he went out with a poly vee group local to us, and they gave him several helpful suggestions--one of them being to think of things that he and my bf could do together. He has been working on that and really trying hard. Of course bf feels much too anxious to even consider it at this point.

Bottom line is that it seems to me that it is "normal" (I really have a dislike for this word in general) for him/us to do a bit of a dance with it. I feel that as long as we have open and honest communication and are respectful of the other and their wishes, I am NOT cheating on him.

Now enter major obstacle #2 mentioned above: My bf's anxiety. Dh is willing to explore activities with him, but bf is too anxious. He's only reluctantly willing to meet and spend time with my kids. And I shared already that he's "met" my mother (and is still having anxiety aftershocks from that).

He just told me recently that he sees our relationship as not being long-term. This was more than a bit of a blow to me, and initially I thought "why the heck am I taking all of this heat if he's just going to end it shortly?".

Turns out that it comes from two places: his fears of becoming more deeply involved in our family *and* his ex-girlfriend. She's really doing a number on him emotionally, albeit unintentionally. She wants first dibs on his time. He's *really* struggling with it and despite my urgings to be honest with her, he is too afraid of losing her. He truly believes that she saved his life and just can't bear to have the convo that we both know he needs to have with her.

I knew this would be challenging, but had no idea how much so.

Not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just for you all to understand the situation a bit better so that it might inform replies to future questions I may have.

Still riding the waves...

Christie
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  #13  
Old 05-07-2010, 01:30 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Personally, I don't see this as cheating.

It also sounds like your husband is slowing down your relationship with your bf out of envy. It sounds like if his relationship were going faster, he would be ok with yours going further with your bf. If you and your husband were mor established, then I would say he should look at his envy and think about it. However, since he is still coming to terms with stuff, then I think some leeway is appropriate.

Sounds like there is a lot going on with your bf. He needs to figure out what he wants. If he sees his ex-girlfriend as a friend, then he should trust her with the truth. If she doesn't like him because of that, then was never really a true friend.

Good luck to ya.
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  #14  
Old 05-11-2010, 01:06 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Question Sorry to be a pain, but I need support

Here's the situation--I'm married to an awesome guy, who after some initial hesitance has become open to both of us dating/loving others (I fell in love with someone first). The thread on reassuring primaries was actually very timely, he came home from visiting friends out of state, suddenly getting what I've been telling him for months--that there is NO ONE who could ever replace him. It also helped that I ended up in the ER with kidney stones on Friday (gotta find a silver lining for that one) and he realized all of the little ways that he knows me that no one else does.

Anyway, so my oso, as I've already mentioned, has a platonic primary (they used to be a couple). He refuses to be honest with her about his feelings for me and the extent of our relationship in a misguided effort to protect her and him from losing her. I know that what you all said is correct, it would be more kind in the long run to be honest with her, but I truly don't think he can handle that emotionally. He owes her thousands of dollars from the last year when he's been out of work with severe depression and feels like he truly owes her for saving his life (he explained to me that he's been homeless before and could not survive that again).

I realize that this is more than likely a rather unique situation, but it is nonetheless my reality. Last night, I received a return letter from his ex-gf, and as my dh said, she told me to f*** off about as politely as one possibly could. She made it very clear that she is not and will not ever be open to meeting me, and played on me telling her that I was a caring person by asking that I not ever attempt to contact her in any way again. My oso stayed completely out of it, never reading the letter I sent her even though I offered him the opportunity. I don't feel like I can keep this to myself--it's not how I work, and yet I don't want to add stress to him.

For the first time, I have actually been considering throwing in the towel on this relationship (with bf). I love him soo much, but I have been pummeled from all sides it seems--my friends, my family, his friend, and to a lesser extent from dh. To me, dh is the only one who has any right to provide input, and he has done so very kindly, yet it has not been emotionally easy.

This should maybe be a separate thread but I have such limited time with 3 kids to get on here that I'm going to add it here. I joined okcupid out of curiosity and to support dh. Incidentally, he and I "matched" at like 98%, a huge morale booster for both of us ;-). Anyway, men started im'ing me, and I was just enjoying the attention quite frankly. See, I've NEVER considered myself attractive, and as I've shared, have never had a fully positive experience as a sexual person. So, yeah, I was enjoying it. I had no intention on ever meeting any of these men, and would immediately let them know that I was in an open marriage, etc.

Anyway, this one guy intrigued me, so I read his profile. I'm quite intuitive and sensed that he too understood depression. I was right. So he and I have formed an online friendship; both dh and bf know, but don't understand that I have actually come to like the guy (initially he came on really strong, and feeling bold, I told him so, at which point he totally turned it down).

I would like to meet him and yes, even possibly date him. I have been totally up front with him--so he knows the situation and he's not run away yet. But all of the sudden, things feel overwhelmingly complicated and all of this and some other difficult life events of late (the kidney stones actually being somewhat low on the list believe it or not) make me just want to hide.

I definitely need support, but I'd also like whatever practical ideas you all may have for helping my bf to become open to meeting my dh, who has so kindly extended that offer (remember that bf has severe depression and anxiety, including social anxiety) and to understanding that not talking to his ex is only going to blow up in his face in the long run.

Aye, I can never be brief.

Struggling,

Christie
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  #15  
Old 05-11-2010, 09:35 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2 View Post
I'm married to an awesome guy, who after some initial hesitance has become open to both of us dating/loving others.
Well...that's good!!!

Quote:
I truly don't think he (bf) can handle (being honest) emotionally.
I wouldn't want to date and get more serious with a person who can't emotionally handle being honest. I don't care how much I am in love with them.

Quote:
He owes her thousands of dollars from the last year when he's been out of work with severe depression and feels like he truly owes her for saving his life (he explained to me that he's been homeless before and could not survive that again).
I'm not saying that a person who stuggles with depression and financial security does not deserve to be in a relatioship, but if I were to enter into a relationship with a person in this situation, I would expect ongoing chaos.....because that is what you are going to have. His co-dependent relationship with his ex along with his inability to be honest is a recipe for disaster.....in my opinion.

Quote:
For the first time, I have actually been considering throwing in the towel on this relationship (with bf).
I would start backing away a bit if I were you.


Quote:
But all of the sudden, things feel overwhelmingly complicated and all of this and some other difficult life events of late (the kidney stones actually being somewhat low on the list believe it or not) make me just want to hide
When I feel like this, it usually means that I need to just focus on myself. I would suggest that you pull back for a while and take a few deep breaths.


Quote:
(remember that bf has severe depression and anxiety, including social anxiety) and to understanding that not talking to his ex is only going to blow up in his face in the long run.
And when it blows up in his face, it will blow up in the faces and lives of anyone who is near to him.

I do occasionally get involved with people who are struggling or codependent, or addicts etc.....but it is with full awareness that the ship is eventually going down and since I don't want to do down with the ship, I look for signs of it sinking.....when I see that..... I get in my life raft and paddle away quicky.
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The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.

Last edited by idealist; 05-11-2010 at 10:05 PM.
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  #16  
Old 05-12-2010, 12:57 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Yeah, that's a situation where I'd work my way out of it. Too many warning signs of impending disaster.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #17  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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So here's a question for you to ponder...


With each of your questions/issues ask yourself this;

WHICH solution is helping to promote YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PERSON being the best version of themself as possible?
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  #18  
Old 05-13-2010, 10:02 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Well...that's good!!!



I wouldn't want to date and get more serious with a person who can't emotionally handle being honest. I don't care how much I am in love with them.



I'm not saying that a person who stuggles with depression and financial security does not deserve to be in a relatioship, but if I were to enter into a relationship with a person in this situation, I would expect ongoing chaos.....because that is what you are going to have. His co-dependent relationship with his ex along with his inability to be honest is a recipe for disaster.....in my opinion.



I would start backing away a bit if I were you.
I agree that the situation is less than ideal. But it's so much easier for me to see the full picture, no? I know so many more dimensions of this man than I could ever capture here.

I met the guy at a psych hospital, and knew his history data points, so believe me, I went into this with my eyes open, knowing for example, that rescuing him was not on the agenda and reminding myself that he has managed to survive for 40 some odd years w/o me (a true testament to his strength and character btw). I feel grounded in the aspects of the relationship related to he and I.

It is more than unfortunate that he isn't able to be direct with her. He can and has been with me. Wait, I'm justifying and I simply don't need to. I love him and I'm not ready to end the relationship, not by a long shot.

That being said, I am keeping my eyes and ears open, and will back away if I feel it is necessary.

Let me also say this about this board--I've been a member of a slew of online groups over the years, and as I was telling my husband, this is the first one where thus far, people seem to actually say things out of caring and concern and not just a need to express an opinion. For that, I am greatly appreciative.





Quote:
When I feel like this, it usually means that I need to just focus on myself. I would suggest that you pull back for a while and take a few deep breaths.
Funny, this was my therapist's suggestion as well. I think there is definitely some merit to it. And this is going to happen out of necessity, b/c dh is starting to date now too (first one tonight!), so with 3 kids and only one car, life will provide opportunities for this (evenings alone if my kids can actually manage to stop partying before 10 pm and go to sleep).


Quote:
And when it blows up in his face, it will blow up in the faces and lives of anyone who is near to him.
Yes, agreed. Honestly, I view this similarly to how I view situations with my oldest son (and my other kids as well, though relevant situations have not yet arisen w/ them). He's going to make mistakes and fall on his face; we all do. I can only be there to support, and it's important that I not go "on the ride" with him so that I can be that support and not incur damage or at least minimize the damage I incur.



Quote:
do occasionally get involved with people who are struggling or codependent, or addicts etc.....but it is with full awareness that the ship is eventually going down and since I don't want to do down with the ship, I look for signs of it sinking.....when I see that..... I get in my life raft and paddle away quicky.
Yep, as I view it, I didn't expect nor choose to fall in love with him, though as I type that, I have a sense that I might need to ponder that more, but in love with him I am. He's an amazing man with so much to offer. I honestly don't see this man's ship sinking, but it does take on water frequently, and that's what I see as my challenge, to not panic or lose control at those times. Quite frankly, it's been excellent training for me to keep a bit of emotional distance for my own self-preservation. It's not been my style in the past. So, I have no plans at this time to paddle away, but I will be keeping those eyes open.

Thanks for the thought provoking reply....

Christie
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  #19  
Old 05-13-2010, 10:08 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Yeah, that's a situation where I'd work my way out of it. Too many warning signs of impending disaster.
Thanks for your input. See my earlier response to LR, I think? You may both be right, but I'm not anywhere near convinced. And lest anyone feel frustrated along the lines of "why'd she ask if she didn't want our feedback?", understand that I value receiving feedback so that I can use my intuition to guide what feels right to me. My anxiety can make my thoughts incoherent to me, so slowing it down and getting outside thoughts helps me (as long as they are kind, which thus far, all replies have been).

Thanks,

Christie

Last edited by inlovewith2; 05-13-2010 at 10:14 AM.
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  #20  
Old 05-13-2010, 10:15 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
So here's a question for you to ponder...


With each of your questions/issues ask yourself this;

WHICH solution is helping to promote YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PERSON being the best version of themself as possible?
OH, I absolutely love this. Gonna print it out and reference it throughout the day in fact. Thank you!!!
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