dreaded/promised help request thread

Hey everyone.

This is going to get long. And much of it is just for context because when abusive relationships stack it's tough to determine what's really relevant.

The short version is: I was dating person C for several years, it became open, I met person D. Broke up with person C because it was an unhealthy relationship involving a lot of gaslighting and emotional manipulation, but I'm scared of calling D by C's name, probably because of a different abusive relationship. D is amazing, and I love her and we've been together for over 2 years, (officially together for almost a year) and I don't want to mess anything up with her but I'm terrified it's an inevitability. It's only as I try to move on from a deeply abusive relationship that it became an issue. This is my first poly breakup and I don't know what I'm doing. I've tried to just handle it. I want to be with D, I don't want C back. I don't want the damage suffered though my relationship with C to impact my relationship with D.

The long version is: So ten years ago now, I was in a relationship with person A. Lost my virginity to her. We broke up as young couples do.

Started dating person B, who hated person A with a passion. She was jealous of me having been with person A, plus was Catholic, so used her faith to justify a lot of sex-shamey emotional and physical violence. She convinced me I'd never find someone who loved me if I left her, but got all vulnerable when I confronted her, about how she was scared I'd call her by person A's name, etc.

Eventually broke up with person B and there was a bit of a spiral with drinking and self-harm and other post-abuse stuff but a year or two later I met person C, and we had a long distance international relationship which seemed great, at least for the first five years. Person C helped me rebuild my life. But also, it seems, fucked my head up pretty badly.

I visited, they visited, I visited three more times with no real reciprocation; it was suggested the relationship turn open just for distance's sake. I met person D and, because I was told not to start a romantic relationship, resisted doing so despite an emotional stirring. I started taking steps to be with person C, packed up my life, quit three bands and moved across the province to a city where I was all by myself so I could get a BSW and move to a different country, and then, Person C stopped responding to my emails for weeks at a time; I was abandoned in a depressingly lonely city. My confrontations turned to me being called "clingy," or guilty admissions about how it's their fault "I can't see things clearly," all sort of hallmarks of narcissistic abuse.

I broke up with person C later that year, after giving them nearly a year's worth of chances. That summer I told person D I love her as we had kept close. I had to go back to school for another year, and her and I did the long distance thing, but now we're together again.

And I don't know why but now that I'm back in a relationship with someone I can occupy a physical space with, I'm super anxious. Like, there's a massive massive history of abuse. I'm sure of my feelings for person D. I want to be with her, and we have great times when we're together. But I feel like it's only a matter of time before something gets messed up.

So... that is the dealy. If there's anyone out there who can untangle all that it would be... you know, just super.

Post-script: I can't afford therapy during the summers. I'm returning to school in the fall and will be talking to someone there, but in the meantime it's stressful.

If she doesn't know already, I would share your history with D, and explain to her your anxieties and fears. I know personally, I sometimes worry about calling my guys by the wrong name, but when I do, they usually just laugh at me. No anger or anything. Sometimes fear of a thing makes it much more of an issue than it will turn out to be, KWIM?

You should also think about giving your people nicknames - initials are hard to follow sometimes!

Hi Hambient,

I'm thinking you may be borrowing trouble; you seem like a good person and D sounds like a good person as well. All relationships have their bad spells, you just cross each bridge as you come to it. In the meantime, try not to get yourself worked up with worry. You don't know what will go wrong, or even if anything will go wrong. If one of your major worries is calling D by the wrong name, that seems to me like a minor glitch and I'm assuming your other worries are in line behind that.

Bluebird's right, you should talk to D about your past and worries. Find out what her perspective is, and give her a fair heads-up at the same time.

Sorry to hear about your abusive relationships with B and C. I hope Polyamory.com can be some small part of helping you recover from that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

You may not have had enough time to heal from previous abusive relationships. It can do a number on a person -- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

You could give D the heads up, so she knows where it is coming from if you get triggered over the summer. If you are triggered or emotionally flooded, explain how you want her to treat you. (Remove stimulus? Take you home?)

You could inform her that you intend to go back to counseling in the fall when back in school. But you cannot afford it in summer when not in school.

You could call a local shelter.

I do not know where you live or what local resources are available to you. I have had friends leave abusive relationships. I encourage them to call the closest domestic violence shelter. Not because they all wanted or needed to move in, but because they could then access free programs to help them tell their story, heal, learn red flags, what healthy dating is, etc. They might not need ALL the services provided, but some can be very helpful. I used to drive one of them to class at the shopping mall's community room and hang around the food court waiting for class to let out.

See if there's something like that you could avail yourself to over the summer for extra support.

GL!
Galagirl

Hey Hambient.

I also was in a relationship with a narcissist for 2 1/2 years. It wasn't long distance, but he hid his true nature well, as they do.

One year into the relationship, when I'd moved to be closer to him, (just 20 miles of a move) he started neglecting me, triangulating me with his new lovers, gaslighting, lying, belittling me, witholding sex, etc.

Once I saw how it was going, I dumped him. It wasn't until a couple months post breakup, that I realized the problem was his Don Juan Narcissism masquerading as polyamory...

I needed 6 months to heal before I was ready to start dating again. Wouldn't you know, the next guy was also a psychopath! This time he only strung me along for a couple months, and 5 dates. This time, I was more savvy, dumped him and went no contact, despite him trying to hoover me back in 6 weeks post his final shit behaviors.

However, I have just become more clear, and more careful, in whom I date. I have found yet another guy, and he is very clear and simple about the kind of relationship he wants. And so am I. So far, so good.

Long distance relationships are hard. People can hide who they truly are so well. I wish you healing, and luck with person D!

Hi Hambient,

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you have been involved in multiple abusive relationships. It is not surprising that you have a lot of confusion, anxiety and emotion to deal with.

I would recommend talking to D about all of this. Does she know that you were in an abusive relationship? Does she know of your anxieties?

I understand that therapy is expensive. In the meantime, there are other avenues you can pursue. It's extremely important to look after your mental health and wellbeing. Books are always a good place to start, as are online resources. Have you visited http://outofthefog.net?

Also, if you have a smartphone and can download the Kindle app, Amazon have an unlimited e-book membership plan for £7/$9.99 per month. There are thousands of self-development books - including those dealing with the aftereffects of Narcissistic abuse. These have helped me greatly in the past.

Depending on how spiritually-inclined you are, meditation and Yoga can be a fantastic way to find a sense of healing, inner confidence and strength. Reading about the Law of Attraction can also be helpful in getting you to think about the kind of partner you attract and what you can do to 'realign' the energy you put out. If this isn't your thing, don't underestimate the power of hitting the gym, learning a new skill, doing something you can be proud of, etc. Narcissists have a way of leaving their victims feeling far smaller than they really are - building up your own sense of self-worth is important right now. Remember that you're a formidable, awesome, strong person - you left C! Many people remain stuck in the same cycle - you were strong enough to break it.

Seeing a therapist eventually is definitely a good idea, but therapists essentially exist as a guiding light. Everything you need to survive is within you - you just need to explore yourself and find your healthy path. This is something you can start this summer.

In the meantime, again, I would definitely recommend that you speak to D and explain your fears to her. If she is the compassionate and loving partner you seek and deserve, this should be very apparent in the way she responds to your fears. As for worrying about calling D by C's name, explaining the situation to her should help this. In any case, I'm sure most of us have called a partner by someone else's name before! I know I have!