Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 05-09-2010, 01:24 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 540
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
Their relationship had codependency and folie deux written all over it.
Welcome Thunkybunny!!
Yeah....it's very frustrating to be involved with people who do not have an emotional maturity. I've written some things about a codependent couple that I've been involved with. Unfortunately, our culture promotes codependency. Such ideas as "you are my everything" "I can't live without you" "I don't know where you end and I begin" are considered to be normal thoughts when in a relationship.

I did notice the dysfunction with this couple right away and chose to be involved with them anyway for the experience. As a result, I have not been surprized or hurt by their dysfunction. Maybe, I have experienced moments of disappointment, but then I remind myself that I made this decision to be involved with them, knowing full well how crazy it will be- so at that point when I take responsibility for my decision to be involved, I move from being a victim to being a person trying to have an experience and willing to suffer a bit and then move forward. It's amazing how taking responsibility for my choices (which are made will full awareness) prevents me from ever feeling victimized.

The problem would be (as I see it) to become involved with a dysfuntional person or couple thinking that somehow they are going to change just because you want them to..... because "that 'ain't gonna happen" as we say down here in the South!!

Anyway.....it's crazy to imagine that you might move into a poly lifestyle without using discernment because all poly people are supposed to be well adjusted, emotionally mature and highly evolved.

It's like going to church and expecting all of the people you encounter there will be kind, loving and accepting.....NOT !!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-09-2010, 02:12 AM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 44
Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Welcome Thunkybunny!!
I did notice the dysfunction with this couple right away and chose to be involved with them anyway for the experience. As a result, I have not been surprized or hurt by their dysfunction. Maybe, I have experienced moments of disappointment, but then I remind myself that I made this decision to be involved with them, knowing full well how crazy it will be- so at that point when I take responsibility for my decision to be involved, I move from being a victim to being a person trying to have an experience and willing to suffer a bit and then move forward. It's amazing how taking responsibility for my choices (which are made will full awareness) prevents me from ever feeling victimized.
Well said. Learning and moving on.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-09-2010, 02:15 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 540
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
Well said. Learning and moving on.
That's great!!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-14-2010, 02:53 PM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 44
Default

From what I've experienced and read elsewhere, it seems that a lot of people don the 'poly' label and ideologies to avoid doing the most basic work of relating like communication. "You own your feelings", etc. Pretty insane considering the unsafe behaviors that accompany such attitudes. I find that very troubling. Hard to get much traction for a social movement when such people leave trails of potential death and destruction behind them. I fear that as open relationships catch on, more and more irresponsible people will abuse the 'poly' label. I'll use better judgment next time.
My friend and I agree that this article captures my experience perfectly: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/polypeople.shtml

Last edited by thunkybunny; 05-14-2010 at 03:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-14-2010, 04:54 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
From what I've experienced and read elsewhere, it seems that a lot of people don the 'poly' label and ideologies to avoid doing the most basic work of relating like communication. "You own your feelings", etc.
I totally agree with you - I have seen some very destructive people (either to themselves or others) don the poly mantle because they failed at a monogamous relationship.

This is why, when I meet a poly person, I don't automatically think that they have to have more integrity, compassion, or even general humaneness than the average person. I observe and learn.

I even know one so-called poly person who is a control freak - it seems like his reason for being poly is just the feeling of power at being able to manipulate more than one woman at a time. His poly is most definitely not mine.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-14-2010, 05:42 PM
sumsumsum sumsumsum is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southwest
Posts: 34
Default insight

I am enjoying this thread!

Being part of a "couple" with a third and wanting ever so much for each of us to feel respected and appreciated, it gives me a lot to think about.

Our relationship, specifically, is very new and poly itself-is brand new to all of us.

We want our new partner to feel respected and loved and for her to feel that she is an equal within the triad. The lines of communication are completely open.

One of the things that I have spoken to her about is the need for my husband and I to continue to do the things that we do that help us to maintain what we consider to be a very healthy and fulfilling relationship- at least until or if the triad becomes more the "thing" than the exception. We cant have our issues interfering with her health and enjoyment. She completely understands this. But- does this fall in the category of co-dependence?

Do any of you know of common "triggers" that contribute to out-of-house partner having negative experience?

Sorry to have what I am sure are BASIC questions- I am coming from a place of love and interest.

Thanks!
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-14-2010, 06:16 PM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 44
Default

How about this? No unilateral decision making when there are consequences for another person.

Suppose you drive the family car to work everyday, and are in the habit of returning home by 6pm. One day, you have a crappy time at work and decide to go for a few drinks before taking a taxi home. You stumble through the door to your house at 11pm. Your family is upset because they thought you might have had an accident and have spent the last hours calling hospitals to find you. Furthermore, your family have no access to the car until the next evening. Now, your family is mad at you. Your response: "Wha...hiccup...whashha probrrremmm? zzzzzzzz"
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-14-2010, 06:33 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
Suppose you drive the family car to work everyday, and are in the habit of returning home by 6pm. One day, you have a crappy time at work and decide to go for a few drinks before taking a taxi home. You stumble through the door to your house at 11pm. Your family is upset because they thought you might have had an accident and have spent the last hours calling hospitals to find you. Furthermore, your family have no access to the car until the next evening. Now, your family is mad at you. Your response: "Wha...hiccup...whashha probrrremmm? zzzzzzzz"
Yeah, that's got "fail" written all over it, doesn't it? Thing is, from my perspective, that's not even poly-specific - that's lousy behaviour in ANY relationship.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb

Last edited by CielDuMatin; 05-14-2010 at 06:50 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-14-2010, 09:44 PM
sumsumsum sumsumsum is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southwest
Posts: 34
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
How about this? No unilateral decision making when there are consequences for another person.

Suppose you drive the family car to work everyday, and are in the habit of returning home by 6pm. One day, you have a crappy time at work and decide to go for a few drinks before taking a taxi home. You stumble through the door to your house at 11pm. Your family is upset because they thought you might have had an accident and have spent the last hours calling hospitals to find you. Furthermore, your family have no access to the car until the next evening. Now, your family is mad at you. Your response: "Wha...hiccup...whashha probrrremmm? zzzzzzzz"

Well, that is just crap no matter how you look at it.
Sorry you had a bad experience thunkbunny. I would like to avoid that in my new relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 05-15-2010, 04:47 AM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 44
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Yeah, that's got "fail" written all over it, doesn't it? Thing is, from my perspective, that's not even poly-specific - that's lousy behaviour in ANY relationship.
Sort of my point. I'm not sure if there are many poly-specific tips that wouldn't also apply to any relationship. For example, dating is important whether your relationship is monogamous or not. A lot of couples become so comfortable that they forget to date each other once in a while, and then wonder why they don't feel all that special together anymore. If you want a third but are afraid of losing something special with your existing partner, I'd suggest existing partners remember to date each other too. The point is to focus on experiencing good stuff instead of worrying about losing stuff.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:46 AM.