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  #71  
Old 05-14-2010, 06:54 PM
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You get to hang out with the cool and edgy people of society. This is way better than following that well beaten path everyone else is taking.
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  #72  
Old 05-14-2010, 07:17 PM
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I get to share in Redpepper's intimate love. That is huge and the only benefit that I see as a direct result of her being poly specifically. The rest would come with her no matter how she loved in my opinion. The diversity, honesty and compassion she has would be no less I believe.

There is a very big factor in this question in my opinion;

If a mono partner cannot truly embrace the people they are sharing thier sole love with, then there is no benefit that will counter the unhealthy pain they will possibly feel.
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  #73  
Old 05-14-2010, 07:36 PM
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It should be metioned that I have been bleesed by being included in Redpepper's family and sharing in that extended love...but I also think this would be possible even if we were not intimate. She opens her heart and family to any that are loving and genuine
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  #74  
Old 05-21-2010, 10:41 AM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.
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  #75  
Old 05-21-2010, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.
Hmmmmmmm

Interesting observation........
Maybe a lot of truth to it for many ? Interesting.

Makes me wonder. Is this a hint of selfishness ? Is it harder to be happy for/with someone when WE aren't happy ? Why ?

Happiness is another of those funny things - like love. We can borrow some of it from others and yet never reduce what they have. In fact, it seems to replicate and reciprocate. They in turn get to borrow from OUR happiness. It can be what the scientific minded often refer to as a 'positive feedback loop'.

And on the other hand, the opposite is possible. I've seen this a lot. I suspect we all have.

When we feel (and express) UNhappiness at someone else's happiness - what happens ? We suck up some of their positive energy and destroy it. Negative loop.

Hmmmmmmmmm
Choices.........

GS
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  #76  
Old 05-21-2010, 04:42 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Hmmmmmmm

Interesting observation........
Maybe a lot of truth to it for many ? Interesting.

Makes me wonder. Is this a hint of selfishness ? Is it harder to be happy for/with someone when WE aren't happy ? Why ?

Happiness is another of those funny things - like love. We can borrow some of it from others and yet never reduce what they have. In fact, it seems to replicate and reciprocate. They in turn get to borrow from OUR happiness. It can be what the scientific minded often refer to as a 'positive feedback loop'.

And on the other hand, the opposite is possible. I've seen this a lot. I suspect we all have.

When we feel (and express) UNhappiness at someone else's happiness - what happens ? We suck up some of their positive energy and destroy it. Negative loop.


GS
I think that you are correct when it comes to more abstract areas(like the mental act of loving people).

However, when it comes down to physical things(like time spent with an SO, sex, death rays, whatever) that is where I think Twain's expression comes into play.

I do not have scientific research, but I think that the reason this is is hard wired into us. If I do not have as much food as I want then it will be very hard for me to be happy that my SO or anyone else has enough food. And remember that even though a lot of the things we think of as tangible "needs" in a relationship aren't life or death, they are important enough to be called "needs".


Now, of course, if the person trying to learn compersion is smart, they will try to get their needs met, either via their SO or other means and that will make the learning a lot easier.

But during the time when their needs are not met, unless the person has a martyr complex or is an honest-to-goodness saint, compersion will be much more difficult. Of course, this is my observation and YMMV.
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  #77  
Old 05-21-2010, 05:39 PM
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Intellectually I have no problem with polyamory but the feelings it brings up for me are so intense that I just don't know if i can work through them in the way you describe.

I'm new to this site so I don't know your back ground but your post has made me wonder whether it's just going to be all too hard and maybe I should just cut my losses and find myself a nice mono man. I do love my poly partner very much. I guess my question to you is "what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?
Maturing is hard work. Unfortunately the large majority of people never bother to do it. The prime benefit to you working through the emotions that arise within you when facing polyamory is that you will grow and mature into something closer to "the best version of yourself". This does NOT mean you will become personally polyamorous. You may, you may not. It does mean you will get to know yourself better and that you will be a better partner to ANYONE who you are with-whether they be poly or mono.
Loving doesn't always mean "placating". Loving means to push whatever/whoever you are loving-to be the best version of themself that they can be. For example-a LOVING parent-doesn't give their child everything the child wants-because that isn't going to help the child become the best person that they can be. The Loving parent sometimes lets the child hurt, depending on how obstinate the child-it could be for a LONG time, whatever it takes to help the child learn the necessary lessons for them to become the best version of themself that they can be, to become fully self-responsible, to become fully mature so that they can also be TRULY joyful and happy with themself and their life.
You might consider how you can best "parent" yourself. That would be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.
One of my greatest joys as a parent-is watching my children learn to parent themselves. Seeing them learn to hold themselves accountable to do self-introspection, find their own weaknesses and mistakes and improve upon themselves without being told to.

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Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
Ari - this is my experience as well! There are still times, a year into this, when I start to kick and scream and refuse to allow compersion to emerge - but the "ref" in me is getting better at reigning that in before it gets out of control.

LR - I'm taking your "just do it" attitude and running with it. It's working so far! I have also said a few times "fake it till you make."

Compersion cannot exist when there is jealousy, insecurity, resentment, competition or anger. It's taken me a long time - but I'm getting closer and closer. As with everything, there are good days and bad days. I know the bad days will lessen as time goes on.

The compersion I have felt this week for 2rings and MG is in turn making me happy and is helping to squelch any negative emotions that start to pop up.
Kat-another WONDEFUL post by you! Learning to control yourself from acting on emotions that don't propel your towards the future you want, taking control and responsibility to propel yourself that direction, recognizing what things need to be removed from your heart in order for you to foster compersion and minimize your own pain, and seeing that in practicing this you ARE making yourself happier! WONDERFUL!!

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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It should be metioned that I have been bleesed by being included in Redpepper's family and sharing in that extended love...but I also think this would be possible even if we were not intimate. She opens her heart and family to any that are loving and genuine
I'm so thankful! Because I really need a family that understands and accepts my ups and downs and is willing to love my genuine self-even when my genuine self is so hurt and emotional that it's not making sense. XOXOXOX to you all!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.
More difficult for CERTAIN.Not impossible for short-term. But certainly not easy and not sustainable in the long term.
I think the hardest thing for me is finding the "middle ground".
If my lover can't fulfil my needs (I don't believe any one person can fulfil all of any other person's needs), then I need to get them fulfilled elsewhere.
BUT if that person is jealous, possessive, insecure... how long do you wait before you step away and get your needs met IN SPITE of it hurting them for you to do so?
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  #78  
Old 05-21-2010, 06:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain

I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.

If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.

If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.
For me this is very true and a really good salient reminder. Getting my needs met in a relationship has never been easy for me because I believed that my needs were my responsibility and not my partners. While this is true I have learnt through experience that getting my partner to meet certain needs is actually part and parcel of being in a relationship and necessary for me to stay in a really loving space. The fact that he is poly and I am not (at least not at the moment) probably forces me to demand more of him because for me to cope with his other relationship, our relationship has to be in tip top condition.

Last edited by sage; 05-21-2010 at 06:33 PM.
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  #79  
Old 05-21-2010, 08:20 PM
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Hey you all,

I think getting one´s needs met is an important part of any relationship. The difference to selfish behavior is the result: Is everyone happier or less happy after talking about those needs?

For example, if I tell my partner: "I´m feeling weak at the moment and I would like to spent more time with you together at home, to reload my battery", and he and I find an agreement we both feel fine with, at the end we are both happier: Me because I have my needs met, and my partner because he feels that I trust in him and we can talk things through together. Furthermore, he has a happier partner.

But if I´m jealous it´s a thought like: "You´re happy, and you´re not happy with me. This makes me unhappy. Change it" This "Change it" means: Stop being happy with the other person, leading to less happiness for all.

For me, compersion also is a process, something I´m learning. I still have feelings like in my second example, and I need a lot of thinking and reflecting to deal with it. But if I really do feel compersion, I notice how it enlightens my heart, so I think it´s really worth the effort!

Best wishes
Anne
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  #80  
Old 05-22-2010, 07:06 AM
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Default I was thinking about compersion while I was gardening

.....and it suddenly struck me that so much is made of compersion but maybe there needs to be a word to describe the sense of satisfaction and joy a poly can feel by helping their partners to cope better with the situation? If my partner is anything to go by you guys do stuff up at times by either taking the situation for granted or in subtle ways trying to push out agreed to parameters. Is this really any different to jealousy?

Sage

Last edited by sage; 05-22-2010 at 07:09 AM.
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