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  #11  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:20 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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It took me awhile because I first had to get over the culture idea of cuckold. Then I had to work to focus on the positive parts. A lot of that was trying to imagine myself in my wife's position. After thinking on it for several months, I finally realized I emotionally accepted the idea as well as intellectuality.
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  #12  
Old 05-11-2010, 06:27 AM
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I talked with Mono tonight about this a bit.

I said to him that I learned compersion by deciding, after much wallowing and really feeling them, that I was not interested in the feelings I was holding of jealousy, envy, hurt, sadness, abandonment and decided to walk right through them and see them from the other side. I decided to stand outside of them and look at situations without allowing myself to fall into all those feelings that were holding me back. Once I did that and could see clearly I saw only joy and happiness for my partner or other personal situations I was struggling with.

I believe that I create my reality and that I can shape it to suit my needs. Feeling all the negative feelings above was not serving me well and making me unable to be the best person I could be, have the best life for myself and kept me from loving myself.

Compersion comes to me rather than is a given. I have to conjure it up in extreme situations, but it does come and I know how to access it now. I think it eventually will be a free flow into it, but I spent too many years developing the part of my brain that hates me, blames others, plays the victim etc, to let that go entirely just yet. My brain is developing into compersion and more positive ways of being... not a thin veil of positive, but really positive.... this infleunce changes the world I think.
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  #13  
Old 05-11-2010, 06:31 AM
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I don't really understand the concept of learning to feel compersion. I just have it for the relationships that Redpepper has. Nerdist was immediate and 100%. Derby was pretty quick and Redpepper's tertiary was pretty immediate but to a lesser degree than Nerdist and derives strength from their friendship and the fact that I also consider him a friend of mine.
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  #14  
Old 05-11-2010, 06:41 AM
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If I were to try to explain how to achieve compersion it would be to learn to care about your partner's partners. That is where my compersion comes from.

I care about Polynerdist enough to step aside without hesitation if they wanted me to. I care about Derby and I care about RP's tertiary.

That is one of the reasons I believe in order to have a sustainable integrated muti-partner relationship you need to not only know each partner, but also need to possess genuine caring for them. The extension of your love for your partner through them and into their other partners. That is my key to compersion. But my compersion isn't your compersion...compersion is as fluid as poly itself
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  #15  
Old 05-14-2010, 06:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I talked with Mono tonight about this a bit.

I said to him that I learned compersion by deciding, after much wallowing and really feeling them, that I was not interested in the feelings I was holding of jealousy, envy, hurt, sadness, abandonment and decided to walk right through them and see them from the other side. I decided to stand outside of them and look at situations without allowing myself to fall into all those feelings that were holding me back. Once I did that and could see clearly I saw only joy and happiness for my partner or other personal situations I was struggling with.

I believe that I create my reality and that I can shape it to suit my needs. Feeling all the negative feelings above was not serving me well and making me unable to be the best person I could be, have the best life for myself and kept me from loving myself.

Compersion comes to me rather than is a given. I have to conjure it up in extreme situations, but it does come and I know how to access it now. I think it eventually will be a free flow into it, but I spent too many years developing the part of my brain that hates me, blames others, plays the victim etc, to let that go entirely just yet. My brain is developing into compersion and more positive ways of being... not a thin veil of positive, but really positive.... this infleunce changes the world I think.
after two years with my poly partner I think I am finally coming around to the fact that he is not going to be able to change and if I want a relationship with him I am going to have to be the one who changes. Intellectually I have no problem with polyamory but the feelings it brings up for me are so intense that I just don't know if i can work through them in the way you describe.

I'm new to this site so I don't know your back ground but your post has made me wonder whether it's just going to be all too hard and maybe I should just cut my losses and find myself a nice mono man. I do love my poly partner very much. I guess my question to you is "what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?
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  #16  
Old 05-14-2010, 06:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
"what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?
Well, he is sitting right beside me saying he gets to be in a relationship with me.... you would have to ask him for more details on that one really.... yes it has been a huge bout of work and we have worked very hard.... but it's been worth it. I have managed to have a very deep and meaningful relationship with him... more than I thought I could ever have with anyone. I guess I did it cause I thought he was worthnthe effort. He set a bar that was higher than anyone else for me.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-14-2010 at 07:11 AM.
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  #17  
Old 05-14-2010, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
hmmmm...I learned compersion by being dragged kicking and screaming into accepting it. I had to do a lot of self reflection, introspection and communication to get there. I still fail at it sometimes, but I know the "why" or my stumbles. For me, so far, it was like a boxing match between jealousy and compersion with me as the ref...
Ari - this is my experience as well! There are still times, a year into this, when I start to kick and scream and refuse to allow compersion to emerge - but the "ref" in me is getting better at reigning that in before it gets out of control.

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Originally Posted by poiyt View Post
I agree with ariakas...I was totally kicking and screaming at first...and it took a lot of self exploration. I still sometimes, more frequently than I would like, have those pangs of jealousy that I have to focus on and deal with...or just completely ignore and do something else. There are still times where I cannot feel compersion even when I really want to.
poiyt - I know exactly what you mean. It's a daily battle!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
For me it's a Nike kind of thing, "just do it"...
LR - I'm taking your "just do it" attitude and running with it. It's working so far! I have also said a few times "fake it till you make."

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
For me, compersion results from a underlying concept of Abundance rather than the perception that things are limited. I have come to believe that things like love, lovers, chemistry and charisma (to name a few) are abundantly available as long as we are open to experiencing them.
There is enough love available for everyone. There is enough pleasure available for everyone. It's just a matter of expecting it and being able to experience these things when the opportunities arise!
idealist - this is where I have struggled a lot! It's a way of thinking about things in a different way. Not always easy to do when things are painful. But I do try to keep this in mind. The only thing that is limited is time and I think that is where a lot of my concerns with morningglory and my husband come in. But it is something we are working on and compersion helps us do that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I said to [mono] that I learned compersion by deciding, after much wallowing and really feeling them, that I was not interested in the feelings I was holding of jealousy, envy, hurt, sadness, abandonment and decided to walk right through them and see them from the other side. I decided to stand outside of them and look at situations without allowing myself to fall into all those feelings that were holding me back. Once I did that and could see clearly I saw only joy and happiness for my partner or other personal situations I was struggling with.

I believe that I create my reality and that I can shape it to suit my needs. Feeling all the negative feelings above was not serving me well and making me unable to be the best person I could be, have the best life for myself and kept me from loving myself.

Compersion comes to me rather than is a given. I have to conjure it up in extreme situations, but it does come and I know how to access it now. I think it eventually will be a free flow into it, but I spent too many years developing the part of my brain that hates me, blames others, plays the victim etc, to let that go entirely just yet. My brain is developing into compersion and more positive ways of being... not a thin veil of positive, but really positive.... this infleunce changes the world I think.


redpepper - I hope you don't mind me saying this - but I love you! I love how your mind and heart work. I love how you look at things. I love how open you are. The bold part above is exactly how I feel about this. Thank you for putting my feelings into those words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
If I were to try to explain how to achieve compersion it would be to learn to care about your partner's partners. That is where my compersion comes from. That is one of the reasons I believe in order to have a sustainable integrated muti-partner relationship you need to not only know each partner, but also need to possess genuine caring for them. The extension of your love for your partner through them and into their other partners. That is my key to compersion. But my compersion isn't your compersion...compersion is as fluid as poly itself
MG - I think we are getting there!

Compersion cannot exist when there is jealousy, insecurity, resentment, competition or anger. It's taken me a long time - but I'm getting closer and closer. As with everything, there are good days and bad days. I know the bad days will lessen as time goes on.

The compersion I have felt this week for 2rings and MG is in turn making me happy and is helping to squelch any negative emotions that start to pop up.
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  #18  
Old 05-14-2010, 04:34 PM
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KT, its so great to see you have some hope! I'm all smiles about it. It warms my heart. You seem to be doing so much better and seem more positive. Yay!
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  #19  
Old 05-14-2010, 04:51 PM
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Compersion....How to attain it....Hmmm...These are difficult things to ask. I (the husband) had it a LOOOONG time ago. Back when my wife and I thought we were swingers because we had my best friend in bed with us....every weekend. LOL The fact that my best friend and I hung out and did OTHER things together, was a bonus to me. The fact that my wife and him got along....WAS STELLAR....And the fact that they both liked to get together in bed...Well, all the better. So for me, it came naturally.

For my wife, though, it has not come as naturally. She still battles with jealousy from time to time. She has days where she feels that I will leave her if I find someone else who is "better" than her. I ask her what she means by that, and she says "thinner, smarter, better in bed, or something like that". I reassure her that it's not all about all of those things, but about the love I have. I tell her that I am not going anywhere as long as she'll have ME, not the other way around. She still gets nervous about it from time to time, but....after 20 years of marriage.....and after about 10 years of seeing other people, she is beginning to realize that I'm not going anywhere.....Unless she wants me to.

My wife and I spend almost every waking minute together....We own a business together, and therefore we work together....So we are litterally together almost 24 hrs a day. When we HAVE to spend time apart, it's difficult. We have become dependant on each other. LOL Weird I know. So the idea of "dating" someone else, is forign to us kinda. Yes, we've done it in the past.....But it's still forign....And Compersion...like I said, for me, it's easy. I'm SO pleased that she is having a good time, that I just smile, and my day goes by so easy....But for her, she worries about me leaving, from time to time. She eventually gets over it, and we are back on our happy high called life.
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  #20  
Old 05-14-2010, 05:41 PM
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Quote:
She still gets nervous about it from time to time, but....after 20 years of marriage.....and after about 10 years of seeing other people, she is beginning to realize that I'm not going anywhere.....Unless she wants me to.
...

...I give up. *bow*
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