Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 05-13-2010, 12:40 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 540
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
This is my first poly relationship to be honest. And I agree. I hate all this drama and conflict and I hate fighting. I don't get it either. I just don't know how to proceed just leave it alone, or end it because I don't agreee and feel that is highly dishonest. I guess I just have alot of thinking to do.
Ellie,
How long have you been seeing him? I just re-read all of your posts and couldn't find any mention in any of them about how long the two of you have been seeing each other. I think it might help all of us to support you based on knowing this.

I also want to validate you for talking (typing) it out so well and being willing to really think things out!! That's so important !!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 05-13-2010, 12:52 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Ellie,
How long have you been seeing him? I just re-read all of your posts and couldn't find any mention in any of them about how long the two of you have been seeing each other. I think it might help all of us to support you based on knowing this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
We've been seeing each other about 4 days a week (one weekday and the weekend). Dating for a little over a year. I am the primary partner.
.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 05-13-2010, 02:12 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 540
Default

Thanks YGirl, I missed that.
Well.....in my experience a year is just about the time when you start getting to know a person for who they truly are. The 6 month infatuation phase is over......and the shadow starts to show itself. Pay attention to what you are seeing in him now. This is more the true person.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 05-13-2010, 02:41 PM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Have you met the "other woman"? Do you know how to get in touch with her? How about "inviting her for coffee"? You could tell your partner that if he doesn't tell her the whole story, you will. Call her up or message her and say "Hi, this is Ellie. Do you know who I am?" See how she responds and take it from there.
I do, I know everything about her. I have actually said that to my partner and was angry as he sees it meddling in his affairs. Trust me I've thought long and hard about contacting her. I do feel bad about it as I don't want her to get hurt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Thanks YGirl, I missed that.
Well.....in my experience a year is just about the time when you start getting to know a person for who they truly are. The 6 month infatuation phase is over......and the shadow starts to show itself. Pay attention to what you are seeing in him now. This is more the true person.

I really hope that this isn't "him" per se. As he can be completely open and honest with me but not everyone else. We talked a little bit last night and he said he's still getting used to this as well as this is his first time as well being in an open relationship.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-13-2010 at 03:47 PM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 05-15-2010, 02:07 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 540
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
I really hope that this isn't "him" per se. As he can be completely open and honest with me but not everyone else.
Well, I hope everything works out, for sure. It's just that his inability to be honest with "everyone else" is an issue. One day, you may become one of the "everyone else" people that he can't be honest with.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 05-15-2010, 02:14 AM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Well, I hope everything works out, for sure. It's just that his inability to be honest with "everyone else" is an issue. One day, you may become one of the "everyone else" people that he can't be honest with.
I have an update...today he told her She actually asked him who else he was seeing, actually asked for specifics, and he came clean with everything. You have no idea how happy I am, it feels like this huge weight has been lifted. She was very shocked but seems to be okay and accepting so far. She's not ready to meet me yet, but I hope one day she will be, especially if they continue to see each other.

I do want to thank everyone for all the support and advice. I'm so glad I found this site
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 05-15-2010, 02:27 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

And you know this because he told you, and he's always been completely honest with you?
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 05-15-2010, 03:11 PM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
And you know this because he told you, and he's always been completely honest with you?
Yes he told me. So far yes, he hasn't lied to me yet, and to date he has been honest with me and yes I used to be one of those "crazy" types, who would check his email and ask him to show me his text messages etc as I used to be highly insecure.

I know they had the conversation over instant messenger, so if I really wanted to I would just ask to see the conversation. I just may. But for now I have to give him the benefit of the doubt
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 05-15-2010, 03:16 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

OK... I am just concerned that he's telling you what he thinks you need to hear in order to get you off his case.... Since he's not here to be giving his side of the story I'm automatically siding with you by default.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 05-25-2010, 08:08 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
But he says he chooses to conduct his affairs as he see fit, and he has told her she is casual and she doesn't ask anything else about the matter. (he basically told me under no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me to micro manage his relationships...)
Wanting to meet your boyfriend's other girlfriends, or at least make sure they know you exist, is NOT micro managing. After a year of being with someone, you've earned the right to have some involvement in his life. This does not mean telling him what to do, but it does include having your opinions and suggestions being treated with respect and consideration.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
I really hope that this isn't "him" per se. As he can be completely open and honest with me but not everyone else. We talked a little bit last night and he said he's still getting used to this as well as this is his first time as well being in an open relationship.
Besides checking his email and texts (all of which can be deleted to hide things he doesn't want snoopy girlfriends finding), how do you know he's been honest with you when you have proof he's been lying to others? People don't usually lie selectively. They're either honest people, or compulsive liars, or else they lie to all people equally but only about certain types of things.

I don't see how you can honestly believe he's been completely open and honest with you when he's been lying to others?
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:36 PM.